December 30, 2004

teenage counselor

Overheard from a radio ad that some organization is in need of counselors, to provide smartass advices to troubled teens…

I can do that ! Here’s an FAQ guide I’ve prepared for “troubled” teens…

1) “I’ve just been dumped by my juvenile boyfriend… should I kill myself? I can’t live without him bla bla bla”
Yes you should kill yourself to make that bastard take notice of you again. I’m very sure when you die, he’ll regret of what he had done, and probably would shed a tear or two during your funeral. Never mind if you’re going to be together again, you’re doing this for your own principle.

2) “I’ve a lot of troubles with my mom. I think she’s a bitch. She nags like a malfunctioned radio. Should I run away from home?”
No parents should nag their children. I mean, who cares about getting good results and have bright future? Teenagers should do drugs and have a lot of sex! Flunking exams and being hippies are so cool!
What are you waiting for? Just get the fuck out of the house and be a vagabond! Have sex with beggars! Sleep with stray animals! This is an adventure of a life time! Long live Lennon!

3) “I think I’m in love with A. But I’m also in love with B. And C, my current boyfriend, is A’s brother. Which is B’s gay lover. And D is my fuck buddy. E keeps calling me up asking me to be his girl. I think I have a pentagon love problem. Help.”
Well, just hook up with each and every one of them. All they (guys) ever want is sex so, why not just save everyone’s time by jumping into the conclusion? They get sex, and you don’t get to worry about anymore geometry love problem. Period.

4) “I have so many zits that people are laughing at me. What should I do?”
You’ve found the right place… for I am the best person who could help you out with your problem. Even if I do not have any medical qualification nor license to prescribe drugs, I believe I can still help you.
To solve your acne problems, just go to a nearby hardware shop, and ask for a size 2 sandpaper. Once you got it, use it to rub your face twice a day after meal. And drink plenty of water.
Don’t go to the doctor, they are not cool enough to handle your skin.

5) “An internet friend of mine squeezed my tits the first time we met. Is he a pervert ?”
That’s a very smart question indeed. Frankly speaking, all guys are perverts – whether they squeeze your tits or not. If they aren’t perverts, there will be no people having sex anymore, and mankind wouldn’t have bred and dominated so much space on this frigging planet.

6) “People ridicule my weight and call me names. I think I have a weight problem [munching a pack of cheeseballs]. Should I be worrying about my weight?”
Since you’re already being ridiculed at, then why bother? Eat as much as you can… enjoy life. Weight shouldn’t be a problem anymore if you enjoy it. Never mind about those diseases… everyone gets them. It’s just that you’re getting it faster when you’re fat.

Long live teenagers.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 

17 Comments to “teenage counselor”

  1. dude you should replace ask thelma man, bigtime. give em some doses of reality and theyd snap right out of it.

    on my prev comment – no he wasnt pimpin for fellatios, he was just a sonnamabitch perv.

    rock on the new year

  2. elphinstone says:

    LOL… replace BIG BRO ler… hahaha…

  3. k3ng says:

    cooool.. hehehe.. it’ll prolly knock more sense into their heads than big bro or whatever it is…

  4. coppersnare says:

    ahhahaha.. damn funny post! it’s sad that all these kids are asking dumb questions on newspapers when the answers are pretty obvious, but i guess this FAQ answers everything!

  5. michaelooi says:

    jasdev – pimpin…. that’s a word in BM for “lead” … Pimping – sell sex services for prostitutes. If you ask me, I’d say that’s a real thin margin between a leader and a real pimp. Spelling wise.

    elphine/k3ng – who’s big bro ? some triad society leader ?

    coppersnare/primroses – i’m an altruistic person. I just love helping people (esp teenagers).

  6. ashotiwoth says:

    Long live Micheal Ooi!! :D

  7. michaelooi says:

    ashotiwoth – dude, you spelled my name wrong.

  8. ashotiwoth says:

    Michael dude… sorry :)
    got used to spelling ur name as “Micheal”….

  9. Din says:

    You should replace those idiot newspaper counsellors for idiot teens…

  10. uculer says:

    this is really hilarious! dude, u SHOULD be answering the mail from those teens. i mean, how lame can they get? i haven’t gradated yet but puhleez..there’s so much to think of besides those tiny-wheenie ‘problems’

    yeah..give them a pang of reality.

  11. Jase Lee says:

    Some ideas…

    1. Some suggestion on suicide: don’t try pills or anything slow. Shit like that isn’t that traumatic. Wear a red dress or something and then run in front of a running lorry. Not only that will make messy, but at least you get to return as an angry ghost to haunt your juvenile god-forsaken boyfriend.

    2. Alternative suggestion might suggest you to bludgeon your mother to death. Well, perhaps you’re not the violent type & involve police investigation, you might actually consider cynide poisoning. Takes care of the job quickly and quietly. And if she died of poisoning, you can always tell the police that you’re not in the house when that happened…

    3. You might consider 5-some. Not only it’s fun but imagine you might actually set a world record over here by getting more guys. You can try inviting Guiness to put this into the world record.

    4. Alternatively, zits are quite hip these days and some of teenagers even tattoed their faces to get zits! While you’re at it, you might want to pierce your tongue, nose, ear, eye-lid, etc. Not only that, did you realize that the punk-hair style is back in fashion? YES, try putting it to the 5 pointy hair colored in green. Guranteed to get your parents jumped out of their skins!

    5. Apparently you might want to ask the guy whether he is lactose intollerant. Fortunately usually the guy squeezed your tits might signal that he want some milk that he missed during his childhood. Be a good girl and give that man some milk!

    6. Everyone has a weight problem! Remember, the people that do not have a weight problem is by living in space in zero gravity! Get it over your head already! If someone told that you’re not in shape, you can piss them off by telling: “ROUND IS A SHAPE!”

  12. michaelooi says:

    hmmm… i’m thinking of setting up a special section to answer teen questions.

  13. 100 says:

    hi michael how are you ?

    *edited by site owner

  14. michaelooi says:

    100 – come on, let’s not get hostile, ok ?

  15. 100 says:

    Michael:

    Alright. I stand on my opinion but I respect your authority.

  16. Steve says:

    Regarding pentagon love question I would suggest her not to spoil those guys and tell ‘em the reality.

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