Introducing the Fornicator 2005. This may look like an ordinary helmet, but it’s not just any ‘ordinary’ helmet. This is a *smart* helmet. With a built in most sophisticated microprocessor, this is one helmet that could be an answer towards safer road trips.

This intelligent helmet is basically a super computer itself. With 3000 over flip chips (0.0001 micron technology) that constitutes the intelligence of 1,294,384 fully grown male human, this piece of super computer helmet is the first ever constructed in mankind history.

How does it work ? Well, It has these microscopic probes which are strategically placed under the protective layer of the helmet, directly corresponding with the nerves around the wearer’s head. (this is how the processor interacts with the wearer’s brain).

What does that actually do? Well, let’s think of it as an enhancer. Amplifier. Intensifier. Of the intelligence and the judgment of the wearer. It has this pre-programmed decision making microcodes, which are processed at 5 billion cycles per second, to assist in whatever traffic situation the wearer has to face.

Take for example, a rider wearing an ordinary helmet is doing 160kph on an open road, when suddenly, a rabid dog decides to cross the road, 30 meters in front of the speeding machine. In a typical situation, it would be a lose-lose-lose situation. The bike crashes into the dog. Dog dies, rider dies or crippled, bike wrecked. There simply isn’t enough time to react. Either way, the rider is fucked.

With the Fornicator 2005, this can be entirely be averted without breaking a sweat. At the split second the rider sees the dog, an emergency signal will be sent to the microprocessor for solution. And before the rider could even realize that it’s a frigging dog, the Fornicator 2005 would have already executed the Dog Alert interrupt command, which instigates the following to happen –

- “Dog Alert” interrupt command triggers an ultra sensitive crystal oscillator to emit a high frequency sonic signal into the canine’s brain.
- The sonic signal will override whatever decision/intention that has been caching in the dog’s brain
- Instruct the fucking dog’s brain to dive away from the speeding vehicle.
- Dog’s brain sends impulses to hind leg muscles to contract and release.
- Dog dives away. This will be followed by some whining noise.

All these will only happen in less than 0.01 seconds. That’s less than a blink of an eye. The rider will only notice that there’s a dog about to cross the road and the next thing he knew, the dog lands by the side of the pavement in warp speed, whimpering like somebody has beaten the crap out of it. Imagine this, see dog, dog catapults to the side.

So there you have it. 2 innocent lives saved, thanks to the marvelous safety device every created – The Fornicator 2005.

Look out for it in the stores near you.

*tips from inventor : this can be fun if you deliberately ride your bike towards any stray animals. Watch them dive!