Archive for December, 2004

December 31, 2004

2004 roll up

Today, is the final day of 2004. I am writing this not in my usual jovial mood, but in a mixed emotion of both being sombre and worried, about how this year could have been one of the best, turning for the bad ending.

One thing being is the recent catastrophe that had besieged the land of mankind, which a hundred thousand souls have perished.

And another is Emily’s health. She was hospitalized 3 days ago due to high fever and has been in a lethargic state ever since (yes, this is the same illness she got since Christmas). Her body temperature would fluctuate without warning… and has been having difficulty to sleep.

It aches my heart to see her having to go through all these. And what’s sad, is that she’ll have to spend her New Year inside the ward trying to get better. (I’ll be spending my New Year inside the ward with her)

On the brighter side before all these, 2004 had been great. I managed to accomplish most of my resolutions …

Here they are (from last year’s roll up) :

– clear off my credit card — done.
– get myself another car. — changed my car instead.
– vacation to Australia / New Zealand — lack of budget. Forgone.
– get an SLR digital camera — bought a digital camera. Not SLR though.
– a new mobile phone if the old one gets uppity — changed phone. Twice.

Despite the fact that I’ve also lost my paternal grandmother this year, but I don’t feel bad about it at all – for she, had been in a suffering state ever since my father and grandfather passed away in 2003. I fully understood that she left us for her own good.

Anyway, I still feel thankful (not to god or anything, just thankful) that I managed to overcome all the obstacles that has been spattered on me.

And I feel thankful, that my family and I, are not in anyway involved in the tsunami disaster which happened like, less than 20 km away.

Could have been a perfectly great year.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | 21 Comments
December 30, 2004

teenage counselor

Overheard from a radio ad that some organization is in need of counselors, to provide smartass advices to troubled teens…

I can do that ! Here’s an FAQ guide I’ve prepared for “troubled” teens…

1) “I’ve just been dumped by my juvenile boyfriend… should I kill myself? I can’t live without him bla bla bla”
Yes you should kill yourself to make that bastard take notice of you again. I’m very sure when you die, he’ll regret of what he had done, and probably would shed a tear or two during your funeral. Never mind if you’re going to be together again, you’re doing this for your own principle.

2) “I’ve a lot of troubles with my mom. I think she’s a bitch. She nags like a malfunctioned radio. Should I run away from home?”
No parents should nag their children. I mean, who cares about getting good results and have bright future? Teenagers should do drugs and have a lot of sex! Flunking exams and being hippies are so cool!
What are you waiting for? Just get the fuck out of the house and be a vagabond! Have sex with beggars! Sleep with stray animals! This is an adventure of a life time! Long live Lennon!

3) “I think I’m in love with A. But I’m also in love with B. And C, my current boyfriend, is A’s brother. Which is B’s gay lover. And D is my fuck buddy. E keeps calling me up asking me to be his girl. I think I have a pentagon love problem. Help.”
Well, just hook up with each and every one of them. All they (guys) ever want is sex so, why not just save everyone’s time by jumping into the conclusion? They get sex, and you don’t get to worry about anymore geometry love problem. Period.

4) “I have so many zits that people are laughing at me. What should I do?”
You’ve found the right place… for I am the best person who could help you out with your problem. Even if I do not have any medical qualification nor license to prescribe drugs, I believe I can still help you.
To solve your acne problems, just go to a nearby hardware shop, and ask for a size 2 sandpaper. Once you got it, use it to rub your face twice a day after meal. And drink plenty of water.
Don’t go to the doctor, they are not cool enough to handle your skin.

5) “An internet friend of mine squeezed my tits the first time we met. Is he a pervert ?”
That’s a very smart question indeed. Frankly speaking, all guys are perverts – whether they squeeze your tits or not. If they aren’t perverts, there will be no people having sex anymore, and mankind wouldn’t have bred and dominated so much space on this frigging planet.

6) “People ridicule my weight and call me names. I think I have a weight problem [munching a pack of cheeseballs]. Should I be worrying about my weight?”
Since you’re already being ridiculed at, then why bother? Eat as much as you can… enjoy life. Weight shouldn’t be a problem anymore if you enjoy it. Never mind about those diseases… everyone gets them. It’s just that you’re getting it faster when you’re fat.

Long live teenagers.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | 17 Comments
December 29, 2004

psst psst

Wilson and I were walking along Jalan Sultan Ismail (in front of Beach Club)… when suddenly, a fat middle aged guy (with a counterfeit Crocodile t-shirt and flip flops) came forward and lolled himself against a lamp post nearby. Let’s call him ‘feilou’.

Feilou : “Psst psst.”

Wilson and I precariously looked at the fat guy

Feilou : “Psst psst.”

Wilson : [ignores the guy and trying to walk away]

Me : [no idea who is that fat guy and also trying to walk away]

Feilou : “Psst psst.” [tags along beside me]

Me : [Feeling real uncomfortable] “Errr… yes?”

Feilou : “You want something tonight?”

Me : “Want what?” [confused]

Wilson gave me a nudge as a gesture to ignore him.

Feilou : “You know… that kind of ‘stuff’?”

Me : “What stuff?” [even more confused]

Feilou : “Aiyaah… you know…”

Me : “I don’t get it…”

Feilou “[cough]… girls… [cough]”

Me : “OOoooooooh… prostitutes! No thanks!” [smiles]

And both of us hopped to the opposite side of street before laughing out loud.

In case you don’t get it, that fat guy was actually a pimp. But he looked more like a sugarcane juice seller to me…

Aren’t pimps suppose to be glamorous and “yeah” type of people? Then why am I seeing a sugarcane seller pimping by the roadside?

Goddamn, anyone can basically be a pimp now. Blame it on the ever ‘deteriorating’ economy.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 14 Comments
December 28, 2004

animal detectives

I was scanning some TV channels as usual, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of a really absurd program. It’s called Animal Detectives… or something like that.

Initially, I thought the show’s about some beast playing cop or some forensic investigator shit, but apparently, I was wrong. The show’s actually about a bunch of dedicated detectives/cops/whatever that go around arresting people for condoning animal cruelty activities.
Animal cruelty activities like
– failing to provide a proper shelter for a cat
– punching a dog for mangling up a sandal
You get the idea.

It sort of gives us viewer a general opinion that there are still people (Americans) who cares… for every single living organism on this planet. Ooh yeah. When those guys are being interviewed, they would talk like some serious asshole and attempt to propagate his/her concern about animal rights on the national TV.

They’ll do anything to bring the perpetrators to justice, should they find them being mean to animals. Right. And after the interview, these so called ‘Animal Detectives’ would go to his/her favorite fast food restaurant and order a meal of say… a quarter pounder burger… or some kungpao chicken.

That’s kinda ironic, isn’t it? Arresting people for being mean to animals… and they still eat animals in their everyday meal. To have a meal of meat based food, one would have to kill an animal to obtain the meat. That’s CRUELTY to animals. You’ll have to fucking kill it in order to EAT it.

I wonder why they didn’t go around busting slaughterhouses or meat factories instead… and jail every butcher and farmer they could find… and file a petition to the government urging people to live on vegetation.

That’s just so plain stupid. Why would one worry about animals when they couldn’t even find all the missing children in their country? Or shouldn’t they be allocating those headcounts to prevent the ever escalating homicides and vice problems instead?

Nobody would ever know what they are thinking.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 17 Comments
December 27, 2004

an unprecedented surprise

We all know most females have a bed companion. You know, teddy bears, soft toys, that kind of shit. (what were you thinking ? ?? )

Emily is no exception. She has this really big brown bear about the size of a fully grown baboon. It’s a gift from my mom for her birthday.

Well, this bear isn’t really her primary companion, as she already has her favorite cow pillow (which I bought from Watson’s… and was her Valentine’s Day gift.. heheh). And that’s on top of a menagerie of soft animals she already owns, another white bear, some little rodent puppets, a couple of Hello Kitties, etc.

But this brown bear, it has a specially reserved space on our king sized bed. This is so, as a courteous act in order not to disappoint my mom. So, this bear is kinda like sitting around through time… as Emily wouldn’t touch it (she’s hugging me and that darn cow).

Well, it’s not much of a problem for me either, although I hated that bear. Sometimes, I would punch it when no one’s looking. (that’s what we do when there’s no more schoolchildren to pick a fight at… and bar brawl’s too dangerous for any adult).

Alright, then came one day, Emily went back to her hometown. That means, I get to sleep on the whole king sized bed by myself. It was needless to say, heavenly. I would sleep in positions that no one thought could, and experiment on human hibernation where no scientists thought possible.

But that night was different. It was my first night sleeping with that bear. Right in the middle of the night, I suddenly jolted up awake in a pool of cold sweat. I just had a nightmare of some really scary shit -some fungal skinned blimp chick with whiskers trying to force herself on me…
Kidding, I’ve totally forgotten about what I dreamt that night.

Realizing that it was just a dream, I decided to take a piss before continue to sleep… and that was when I saw something sitting beside me. Imagine this, you’re in your own room, supposedly by yourself, in the middle of the night, and you realized that there’s something sitting beside you on your own bed.

Then I did the next most logical thing – freaking out. Almost screamed, but was already down from the bed ready to bail. But luckily, my senses came right back to me when I saw it was that frigging brown bear sitting right there. Cheebye.

I went ahead to piss and continued to sleep, but not before kicking that fucking bear onto the floor for the rest of the night.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 14 Comments