Archive for November, 2004

November 9, 2004

dear ricky

One of our BODs (Board of Directors), Ricky, will be tying a knot with his girl in December. Which means, he’ll lose the following

1) his bachelorship
2) his freedom to have sex secara rambang
3) his financial flexibility
4) his commitment to the board (party, guy stuffs)

In view of his upcoming big bummer, the board decided to hold a bachelor’s party for him tomorrow night (also in conjunction to celebrate Deepavali like not a very sane person)

There’ll be plenty of booze, sex and barfing tomorrow… so, it’s gonna be wicked.

Ricky, I hereby, as the chairman of the board, in honor of your liver, spleen, pancreas and esophagus, would like to wish you, happy Deepavali. And congratulations. May you live happily ever after and have a lot of children with your wife. (because if you don’t, my children will outnumber yours and they’re gonna beat yours up, haha)

And my prayers are also with those of you who are getting married / got married this year.

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November 8, 2004

“The Grudge” (2004)

I bet everyone knew what the hell Ju-On is. Everyone except me. I have always thought Ju-On was another annoying Korean horror movie that could not even scare a 90 year old grandma with hole-in-the-heart problem. But I was so wrong. It was actually an annoying Japanese horror movie, that could not even scare a 100 year old grandma with hole-in-the-heart/spleen/bladder problem !

Well, I didn’t know that initially. That’s why, I hauled my ass to watch The Grudge – a western adaptation of the original Ju-On starring Sarah Michelle Gangbang and Bill Gates (cmon, you guys should already know who the actors/actresses are).

According to some of my buddies who had already watched Ju-On, they said these 2 movies are exactly identical, save for the cast of a few actors/actresses. So, I guess for those who have already watched the original Ju-On, they will find themselves in some kind of Twilight Zone situation — those goddamn ghosts doing some deja-vu haunting shit for different type of races. First the Japanese, then the Americans. I foresee this will be followed by Afghans, Africans, Thais, Malaysians, Singaporeans, those lizards on Kodomo Lion Island. Goddamn, Ju-On’s gonna have a fucking world tour!!

Alright alright, jokes aside. This movie, is a complete deviation from the classic American horror movie. It’s all about Asian ghosts, freaking out (and killing) American people – in this case, it’s Buffy – a well known vampire slayer. The storyline’s kinda ok, but again, like I’ve previously ranted on other horror movies, there seems to be a lot of inexplicable human stupidity involved. Here is some of the highlights :

1) When the old lady that you’re suppose to look after (an assignment from a charity body) is a freak, and you hear strange noises from the attic in her not-so-brightly lit haunted house, what would you do?
A : Scream and get the fuck out of the house
B : Get the fuck out of the house and scream.
C : Scream, get the fuck out of the house, and scream louder.
D : Go up the attic with nothing but a lighter to check the noise out.

Unfortunately, the cute Japanese girl character chose option D and got herself killed. She’s the first victim of Ju-On in that movie. Served her right. Somebody tell me she isn’t stupid.

2) When you see a black shadow (with big fiery eyes and horrifying cry) creeping out from a freaky old lady’s bed, what would be your best idea that darn thing is?
A : A black colored ghost
B : A negro ghost
C : A ghost covered with black pubic hair.
D : You think it’s ‘something not right’.

Sarah Michelle Gangbang thinks it’s option D. It’s everything but a ghost. And she’s scared. I wonder, why can’t she just say “THE HOUSE’S FUCKING HAUNTED AND THERE ARE SHITLOADS OF GHOST IN THERE !”. Somebody tell me she isn’t stupid.

3) When you see a blood drenched Japanese girl schlepping in your workplace lobby like a zombie, in the middle of the night, and she’s not naked, what would you do?
A : Scream and get the fuck out of the building
B : Get the fuck out of the building and scream.
C : Scream, get the fuck out of the building, and scream louder.
D : Walk towards the zombie, confirm if it’s blood drenching from her body, and ask if she’s alright.

The charity center supervisor, which was a guy, chose option D, and got himself smoked in a pretty nasty manner. Somebody tell me, this guy isn’t a retard.

So basically, the haunting would get more and more awesome just because of these stupid people kept hitting a boner. It’s that simple.

How was the special effects? The same old Asian way of doing it — a few inches thick of white foundation on the face, assload of mascara, long hair and a compulsory white robe. Got a few scenes lit with green or blueish lighting that put up the effect of eery ambience. Chintzy.

Then there’s this Toshio ghost kid. He just put on some really thick layer of white powder on his face and open his mouth wide agape. I was kinda freaked the first time I saw the ghost kid, because I’ve never seen a kid that could open his mouth so big. Could even swallow a helmet, no shit. Now, imagine the kid doing this while looking at your crotch. Sheeesh … *goosebumps.

So, how would I rate this movie ? Well, it would score a distinction only if
1) you haven’t watched Ju-On or have no idea what Ju-On is…
2) you’re a female or someone who’s effeminate in nature.
3) you’re a fan of Sarah Michelle Gangbang.
4) you have holes in your heart.

Otherwise, it’ll just be as entertaining as watching people killing themselves by doing stupid things.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
November 2, 2004

this morning

Ong is one of my colleagues. He was telling us about the dangers of a dog bite this morning.

Ong : “You know, a dog’s saliva contain some sort of bacteria that could cause severe infection.”

Me : “Oh… ok.”

Ong : “Yeah, could even kill a person if it wasn’t treated properly”

Well, I don’t know if a dog bite could actually kill a person but, it’s kind of interesting to talk about the analogy of a bite.

Me : “Dude, you don’t happen to be talking about some Komodo Dragon… do you?”

Ong : “No man… serious…”

Me : “Well, I guess that’s why dog bite victims go for tetanus shots… ”

Ong : “Hell yeah. Dogs eat filthy stuffs and their mouth is a paradise of bacteria…”

Me : “I wonder if we should get a tetanus shot if we happen to be bitten by a housewife..”

Ong : “I’m not too sure about housewives but…”

Me : “You know… they are known to put lots of ridiculously filthy stuffs in their mouth… dehydrated prunes, plums, dilapidated old men’s dicks…”

Ong : [tears rolling down his cheeks from laughing too hard] “Couldn’t agree more man .. ” [/tears]

Me : “Their mouth could be as filthy as any canine’s mouth. Just figure it out with their bad breath, ugh..”

Ong : [still not capable to make any speech]

Me : “Who knows? A housewife’s bite could be so lethal that tetanus won’t do you any good. You’ll die in say… a couple of minutes… bloody fuck.”

Ong : [he looked as if he was bitten by a housewife]

Me : “Don’t be too comfortable. Things that don’t happen to you, does not mean it doesn’t exist. ”

And I continued to bluff out the most ridiculous tale about the dangers of housewives, and then laughed like a sick fuck with the rest of my colleagues… later to only discover that my director was sitting right a few feet away laughing with us.

We bailed the table immediately in silence – leaving the director alone.

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November 1, 2004

the mushroom ‘do

When I was a very young teenager, I used to frequent to my friend Johnny’s residential at some densely populated suburb, once a month. Almost like a routine. No we weren’t gay or something. I frequented there because there was a middle aged blimp housewife who offered a 3 bucks haircut right across Johnny’s neighborhood.

What was the big deal about this self proclaimed hairdresser? Well, she’s able to trim an Aaron Kwok’s hairstyle on virtually any head. And that, literally translates to – BIG FUCKING DEAL!! (Aaron Kwok’s hairstyle in the 90’s – a thick mushroom shaped do with an almost center parting. I think Aaron Kwok must have copied this hairstyle from those Iban aborigines in Borneo. Looked like a prick I must admit.)

Everyone had to have that kind of hairstyle back then (early 90’s), else you won’t get to date any girls. I don’t know why it had to be Aaron Kwok’s hairstyle… not that we liked that faggot… but it seemed to be a very hype thing to do back then (although in retrospect, that particular hairstyle is damn hideous, in my present opinion). We did it all for the girls.

Hell, we’ll even fucking do a mohawk if the girls would go ga ga over those. But fortunately, they did not. It was Aaron fucking Kwok. We were just following the trend and did our job as a bunch of desperate blokes longing for a hook up.

So basically, each and every teenage dude in our school would adopt that generic hairstyle, the thicker it is, the better it looks. Well, at least in the eye of the beholder(s) – girls.

I remember that my mom loathed that type of hairstyle. She said The Beatles’ coconut molded hairstyle looked any time better than that sissy boy’s thick mushroom do. Couldn’t agree more. Those girls made us look like fag clowns back then, and we played along. Goddamn.

Alright, back to that haircut service… basically for that kind of price, it was not surprising at all to have shitloads of teenagers flocking into her tiny outlet for a complete Aaron Kwok makeover.

“Aunty, ai kawwww eh…” (Aunty, thick one please…) *referring to the hairstyle.. and she’ll do an Aaron Kwok for us.

And after getting a haircut there, we would cycle around in a flamboyant manner like that… flicking our hair as if we’re in some of Hindustan movie – hoping to garner some attention from a passing female.

So did I attract any chicks with that hairstyle? Sort of. (I wouldn’t have adopted that hairstyle if it was for no effect). That Aaron Kwok hairstyle craze lasted approximately 12 – 18 moons, before a new wave of hype came to replace the style – Beyond’s center parting rocker style.

Such were the servitude of being a teenager. Full of lies and deception. We follow what our friends do, and do what the girls want. Oh, if only I could turn back the clock…

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