This is about Emily, not me. This story was relived by Emily yesterday on our way back home from work. It almost made me drove into a tree.

Mrs Tan : “Hello ?”

Emily : “Hello, is this Mrs Tan ?”

Mrs Tan is Peekaboo’s mom. Peekaboo is Emily’s student, if you can remember her.

Mrs Tan : “Hi Emily, what’s up ?”

Emily : “Just wanted to check with you, if you’re able to let Peekaboo start her tuition earlier tonight ?”

Mrs Tan : “Shouldn’t be a problem. What time do you intend to start ?”

Emily : “Say, about 6.30 pm ?”

Mrs Tan : “Ok then, I’ll drive her there by 6.30 pm.”

Emily : “Thank you ! Sorry for the last minute notice”

Mrs Tan : “Don’t mention it.”

As you can see, it was a very formal and polite kind of conversation. Why ? Coz Mrs Tan is Emily’s customer. We don’t normally speak nastily or casually to our customers.

Ok, back to the story. After Emily hung up, she went on with her office day work. About a couple of hours later, she suddenly felt like calling up her best friend whom she had called earlier (right before that Mrs Tan phone conversation).

Without thinking much, she whipped out her phone and pressed the redial button. As you may have noticed, the last person she dialled was not actually her best friend, it’s Mrs Tan. Peekaboo’s mom. Emily kinda messed up her memory thinking it’s her best friend she last called. Hilarity ensues.

Toot toot. Someone picks up the phone and answered “Hello ?”

Emily, thinking it’s her best friend, straight away jabbered something that she usually did with her gang of demented friends :

Emily : “Hoi woman ! Have you taken your lunch ? heheh”

Mrs Tan : “Errrr.. yeah, I just took my lunch.”

Emily : “So, what time you wanna come out tonight girl ?”

Emily’s referring to a meetup with her best friend which was suppose to take place after Peekaboo’s tuition that night.

Mrs Tan : “I thought you said 6.30 pm, right ?”

Emily : “No I did not, you fool. I have a tuition class at 6.30 pm lah. How would I be able to meet you up ?”

Mrs Tan : “Errr… hello ? This is Peekaboo’s mom .. ”

Emily : “….”

Emily went dumbfucked.

Mrs Tan : “Peekaboo’s tuition at 6.30 pm is still on, right ?”

Emily : “Oh !! I’m so sorry Mrs Tan ! I thought I was calling my friend there… didn’t realize I dialled the wrong number”

Mrs Tan : “Heheh.. it’s ok. See you at 6.30pm”

Unspeakable embarrassment indeed - says Emily. Now, Mrs Tan will never look at Emily the same way ever again.

I have this really cool idea … you know, how doctors can be replaced with automated machines that could do exact the same job. Well, of course, there are a lot of factors that are debatable, that doctors can do much more things than a machine can …. bla bla bla, but hey …horses was once thought to be the ultimate land traveller until someone invented the automobiles…

Alright, how does it work ? Much the same way like an ATM does. Instead of 1 doctor in a clinic, we’ll have like half dozen of machines in a premise that would be called - the cyber clinic. It’s a clinic with no nurse nor any doctors. Maybe just a couple of security guards armed with a shotgun or something … to ward off thugs and vandals. (the idea is to have a secure public premise, so, you may even have a bouncer there).

The machine, we shall call it, Automated Medical Assistance Machine (AMAM). AMAM sounded kinda absurd so, we can probably call it “The Box”.

“Oh damn, I think I’m having a fever”
“Just look for The Box dude.”

The Box, will be equipped with the most sophisticated hickeys to diagnose it’s patients. The main interface would be a touch-sensitive screen. The first step was data collection. The patient will first select from the major categories (on screen), to tell The Box what’s wrong with him/her.

Then, The Box will attempt to collect data from the patient. There would be a slot or something to let the patient insert his/her hand, and from that slot, the machine will determine the patient’s history or identity through the fingerprint ID and at the same time, determine the heartbeat rate. It probably just gonna take less than a few seconds. If it’s gonna take any longer, there will be a porn themed screen-saver popping up from the screen, to ensure that no customers would ever get bored.

To take the temperature, there will be a sterilized probe ejecting from one of it’s hidden slots, and the on screen instruction will prompt the patient to put the probe into his/her mouth (or anywhere at all) for temperature probing.

And if there’s any need to obtain the semen sample, one will just need to insert his prick into a fitting hole with contraption - where the machine will proceed to ‘milk’ out the semen using somekind of sterilized rollers … coupled with some soft porn on the screen for that brief moment. Once the semen sample is obtained, it will do some analysis on the samples and cache up the information.

Same goes for the female patient. If there’s a need to obtain any epithelial samples (or anything at all) from a female patient, the machine will be able to eject a disposable dildo to be inserted into the patient’s vagina. Of course, there will be slideshows of half naked muscular hunks to aid the process of sample collection. Once done, the disposable dildo will gently retracts back into the machine. And toot toot teet toot (no this is not R2D2), data will be transformed into useful information. No more pap smears.

Once done, all the information and data will be tabulated in some logic programming to decide, what type of medicine to dispense … and it will automatically print the instruction label on each type of medicine it dispenses.

And the machine would gladly accept credit cards. No problem.

Do you want a copy of receipt of your transactions ?
Yes.
Do you need a medical certificate ?
Yes.

And instantly, the copy of MC would be emailed to your boss and CC your HR officer.

It’s that simple.

Cool eh ?

Nobody’s gonna have to be afraid of no pervert and sex maniac doctors anymore.

*long entry
You see, I have a known problem since childhood.

Ok, maybe some of you think I have A LOT OF PROBLEMS and this is no surprise but, what I’m trying to say is, I have a known MEDICAL problem. Since childhood.

It’s about my brain - it tends to get overheat at times. And each time that happens, I would be deluged with an immense agony of migraine. It’s a long story on how / why I have this condition, let’s just say, I have a near death experience before and this is the price I’ll have to pay for being alive today.

Over the years, I have grown to get inured to the suffering and this isn’t a big deal for me. Each time that migraine comes, I will just hoover a couple tabs of paracetamol, and rub a few drops of medicated oil on my temple. That usually oughtta do the trick of easing the ache off. And this is why, I always have a couple bottles of medicated oil kept handy in my lab - just in case, you know, that motherfucking headache comes.

Alright, I’m gonna have to pause right here to explain about this “medicated oil”. This thing, I’m not sure if it exist in anywhere in the west but, it’s kinda popular among the Chinese community here. It’s sort of like a multi purpose convenient oil - known for it’s relieving properties for headache, stomachache, nausea, running nose, sex… I was kidding about the last one. No you can’t use it to lube your sexual activities - coz this thing is HOT. Super HOT. It’s gonna burn your partner’s labium or even scorches your dick. No shit.

A typical medicated oil contains like about 15 - 20% of menthol (differs from brand to brand)… with the rest of ingredients like paraffin and camphor. Which means, this thing can only be used externally, on non-sensitive parts only. Contacts with sensitive parts on our body (eyes, genitals, anus, nipples) could result in uncontrollable spasmodic outburst of reflexes like jumping around skankily and on some really extreme cases, regular convulsions. You get the idea. (I’ve blogged about medicated oil before - some absurd story by my late father - here)

Back to the storyline - One day (that was last week or the week before, I suppose), I was confronted with a situation. The much dreaded headache came after returning from a hot afternoon lunch. Colleague’s car had a faulty air conditioner and sort of microwaved my brain half done. Almost immediately, I raced into my lab to grab that bottle of medicated oil, and rubbed vigorously on my head to soothe it down. I was literally pouring an abundant amount from that bottle and gave myself a massage on the head.

In matter of seconds, my entire head was overwhelmed with cool menthol effect, and it felt kinda good …. until it spread into my eyes. I didn’t know how the oil got into it but, my reaction was to rush to the nearby toilet (with my eyes half shut) to gush out the oil directly from the tap water before I go blind or something. Well, it certainly helps. Though a bit swollen and teary, the burning effect on my eyes gradually subsided and my vision was restored.

Well, since I’m already inside the toilet, I decided to take a piss. Realized what happened ?

My hands. They’re still full of those medicated oil. No I didn’t wash my hands when I took care of my eyes. Without feeling precautious about anything, I sashayed towards the urinal, whipped out my weeny and began to drain my bladder. Have to hold that beast with my hands coz the gushing urine will create a strong backdraft that would flutter that big reptile all over the place. That means, I have inadvertently transferred the medicated oil onto my prick, without realizing it.

Halfway through the experience, I suddenly felt a peachy cool sensation down below there. It felt kinda nice at first, as if it was being caressed by a soft winter breeze… (try to take a piss in a winter cold weather, you’ll get what I mean). But post a couple of seconds, suddenly, it felt like it’s on fire or something. Shit. And I haven’t done pissing yet.

I was literally stuck. I can’t just cut off my business and run dangling halfway through the lavatory into the booth to wash my lizard. It would be hell too embarassing to do so. Besides, the toilet booth kinda stinks and full of congealed shits. So, I have no choice but to bite my lips submitting to the fiery wrath of the almighty medicated oil - at least until the burning sensation wears off.

How long until the burning sensation wears off ? A little over a minute and a half - that’s way long after I’ve finished watering the urinal hole. If you ask me, I would say that it felt more like a fucking hour and a half of torment there… goddamn it.

So, to you people out there who fancies sadomasochism, if you’re looking for something more exciting than whips, metal pinchers or hot wax, I would highly recommend using medicated oil on your private parts. Besides being, err kinky, it’s medicinal properties could actually prevent genital wards, yeast infection or even the most common venereal diseases.

Don’t thank me.

Lesson learnt : Always wash my hands before and after urinating.

We humans created the metrics system to measure something. It sort of eliminated the uncertainties that our ancestors had to endure in ancient times. Our lives prospered and our sciences advanced, all because of the metrics system.

“A 3 foot long dick, excluding the holim” and your audience will instantly go “WOW !” without having the need to thoroughly decipher the length.

“a girl with a 34D rack” and the crowds go wild without having the need to actually witness the real thing.

Something like that.

But there are a lot of things that are still left without any metrical measurements. Or just simply, they are immeasureable.

One of the most common but critical immeasureable factor is UGLINESS. It’s really hard to measure how ugly a person is. It seems that we human can’t really agree to a set of defined standard that could determine how hideous a ratfink ranks.

Well, that is about to change, for I … have discovered a way to make people connotate the depth of ugliness. We don’t have to use adjectives to describe an ugly person no more. Just use michaelooi’s… THE BARF CYCLE METRICS.

Here’s how it works:

I’m sure there’s a lot of us out there have experienced throwing up before. Be it alcohol induced or other reasons, they are the same. The moment you plops your head directly into the toilet bowl, you’ll feel some pressure from within that forcefully spouts out your half digested bolus of food or stomach lining goos.

The feeling’s terrible .. and it will last for a couple or more seconds and stop. Then if the queasy feeling persists, you’ll barf more.

That period which you continuously barf and then stop, is regarded as 1 BARF CYCLE.

How does this relate to the UGLINESS factor ? Easy. We use Cher as the standard. She’s equivalent to 1 barf cycle. That means, she’s so ugly that she could make one barf for 1 barf cycle. The maximum is 5 barf cycles. Anything beyond that would be surreal and probably a fiction.

The Barf Cycle Table.
1 Barf cycle = a person who’s so hideous that it’ll give you some uncomfortable feelings and puke for 1 barf cycle. May potentially cause loss of appetite.

2 Barf cycles = a very ugly person that makes you puke 2 barf cycles and a permanent nauseous feel. Side effects includes loss of appetite and nightmares.

3 Barf cycles = puke 3 barf cycles, permanent nauseous feel, loss of appetite, nightmares, hairloss and nosebleed. A person of this rating would probably lose the rights to vote, to legally drive or participate in any public events. Required to wear a mask to avoid public injury.

4 Barf cycles = puke 4 barf cycles, permanent nauseous feel and headache, loss of appetite, nightmares, hairloss, nosebleed, gout, gastric, high blood pressure, minor stroke, inability to control some of your limb functions. A person of this rating would be arrested by police on sight and possibly executed without trials. A mask usually won’t help.

5 Barf cycles = puke 5 barf cycles, induces palsy, possibly even permanent brain damage. The ugliness of this magnitude is legendary. Animals would attack the subject on sight, and is considered a hazard to human population. Would be executed on sight without trials, exhumed, sealed in a container, packed into a concrete drum and ploppled into the ocean.

One can never exceed 5 barf cycles … coz if you do, you’ll be completely black out and never get to barf ever again.

So, next time, if you want to describe how ugly a person is, you may use this BARF CYCLE METRICS for a more standardized expression.

An example :
ToiletWhore ? = 2 barf cycles.
ToiletWhore without her makeup ? = 3 barf cycles
ToiletWhore without her makeup and flashes her armpit hairs ? = 5 full barf cycles

You got the idea.

Alright, I’m a passionate writer. I do stuffs seriously, and am a risk taker.

This is exactly what I did. I took the grave risk of replicating the picture of the serpent ToiletWhore. I’ve tried to take a few dozen spy shots of her horrendous face, but her aura of pestilence and death kept locking up the darn camera.

I have no choice but to obtain a hard copy of her face from our corporate newsletter, scan it (which wrecked the scanner in the process) and decided to trace her face out using Paint Shop Pro.

I can’t post out the actual picture as I’m afraid it would crash my blog. So, I did the next best thing - draw it out.

This is what I did - paste the scanned original into PSP, create a transparent raster layer, and trace her face out. The picture below is exactly how she looked like in real person. (I crashed a my harddrive and OS a couple times each while doing this… goddamn)

I did a confirmation check by showing it to a colleague of mine and asked him if he could guess who is it …

“Can you guess who’s this ?”
“It’s ToiletWhore.”
“No you’re wrong. This is a sasquatch.”
“Fuck you, I’m sure it’s ToiletWhore”

I insisted a few times, but he threatened to hurt me if I kept insulting his favorite cryptological primate …

So there you have it. The face of the clinical waste bitch that was having an affair with our mongoloid VP. If you developed any difficulties or health problems after looking at the picture below, I would recommend seeking professional help.

**image was accidentally deleted, sorry.**