November 27, 2004

“Alexander” (2004)

Watched “Alexander” last night. How would I describe it? 2 words – VERY GAY. That’s right, the goddamn hero of the movie – Alexander – is gay.

If you do not know what I meant, well, allow me to be a little bit blunt here – Alexander the Great sucks dick, fucks a guy’s anus and licks man-titties. Yes, be very disappointed.

Make no mistake, this is not a gay porn. It’s a movie about Alexander’s life – from the day he was a baby till the day he dies – all cramped into 3 hours of ass numbing epic. An epic about his arrogance, his thirst for greatness and most of all, his confusion about his own destiny.

The movie would be a lot more better, if
1) it focuses more on his “Greatness”
2) it has more battle scenes than those gay moments
3) the cast of Alexander were to be played by someone taller and more aggressive – like The Rock or Triple H.
Colin Farrell looks more like a very sick kid in a hospital ward than any warrior. But for the gay scenes, he’s definitely doing a very good job. It disturbed me to my very bone.

Yes, I felt very disturbed about the gay scenes. The movie’s like propagating some kind of message that promotes homosexuality, that it’s ok to get confused about your own sexuality and that we can fuck whatever we want as long as it’s fuckable … and get to be a cool warrior at the same time.

Well, they could have possibly added Alexander doing drugs as well, if it’s not for the time factor (as there’s no heroin back a few hundred years BC).

Kids watching this movie will get an impression that Alexander is a very successful gay bastard (who has a hot mom and an asshole father) – which I think, is not very right. Alexander’s suppose to be a great conqueror, even if he’s gay, they should have cut the part off, you know, this is a movie – not a history lesson. Movies are suppose to be entertaining.

The script’s corny as well, I remember one particular scene where Alexander’s barbarian bride actually saw him mouthing one of his lifelong gay partner, named Hepatitis or something, got shocked beyond recognition and later said this lame line to Alexander

“You… loved him ?”
“No.. he’s … Hepatitis” (or something like that)

Oh fuck, come one, what would be the first thing a woman shout if she discovers her husband’s mouthing another guy who looks better than herself ? Definitely not “You … loved him ?”

And I’ve also noticed, that none of the actresses in the movie look good (save for the group of harems inside the Babylon palace and Alexander’s collagen lipped mom – played by Angelina Jolie). I don’t know why.

A hero should have at least one good looking bitch beside him and also a compulsory intimate scene where the hero get to squeeze some tits and hump that good looking bitch. It’s written in the stars.

But instead, we get to see Alexander flirting with skinny men and his man-bitch – Hepatitis (or something, can’t remember his name). So very gay.

If you’re expecting a good epic with awesome battles, you’ll be disappointed, big time. If you’re a homosexual tard, then this movie should be your cup of tea.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 

25 Comments to ““Alexander” (2004)”

  1. narrowband says:

    By the way,

    “Kids watching this movie will get an impression that Alexander is a very successful gay bastard (who has a hot mom and an asshole father) – which I think, is not very right. ”

    The show’s rated 18PL ;p

  2. Gina says:

    LOL. Yeah. I watched the movie last night.. and almost peed in my pants. It is a lousy 3-hour long movie.

    The battle scenes are crap – I think LOTR still has the best battle scenes.. and Braveheart.

    I still can accept the gay part though. It is very brave of Oliver Stone to come up with the weakness of Alexander – men.

    And.. I just got my Hepatitis B jab yesterday morning before the movie.

  3. narrowband says:

    i’m all for homosexuality. but i didn’t expect to watch about homosexuality. i know about history saying he’s gay and bi and all, but i’d prefer to watch more actions and scenes from the battles and how he fought for his empire.

    i have the same topic:
    http://narrowband.blogspot.com/2004/11/alexander-g-great.html

    The trailer looked fine. Damn it was misleading.

  4. Jase says:

    Well, I’m not sure about you guys but I read about his history and it really confirms of him being gay.

    DAMN!

    One less hero to workship.

  5. Liz Tai says:

    Looks like you have some gay issues here?

  6. JxT2J says:

    ew.

    so not gonna watch it. hey mike did you watch the incredibles and shutter ?

  7. Din says:

    Gays? Assholes… Urgh…..Bloody Alexander…

  8. michaelooi says:

    gina – that Hepatitis guy would make a good looking transvestite … no shit.

    jase – a lot of great men are gays. One of them being Hitler, which back then, was an open secret of him interested in men.

    liz – define ‘issues’. I’m straight. Watching guys touching and frolicking each other makes me uncomfortable.

    narrowband – even if they rated it 50SG or PL, kids will still watch it.

    jxt2j – watched “The Incredibles” last week. I think it’s the best animation movie ever made. Loved every second of it. I’ll see how Fantastic Four gonna catch up with these “superheroes” zeal.
    Shutter = nay. I’m already getting bored with horror movies.

    din – it’s gore and actions are brief, but kinda realistic though

  9. ShaolinTiger says:

    I think she means issues in that you imply it’s NOT ok to be gay…

    Anyway yeah it’s not something most guys want to see, but there’s nothing wrong with being gay, I wouldn’t label them as ‘confused’ just because they aren’t ‘normal’ in your eyes.

  10. michaelooi says:

    shaolintiger – my implication of the word “confused” in that entry is not on his sexuality … but to his ambition of conquering the east.

    He was too into conquering other worlds and war mongering ways, that he has forgotten his men …. and their families.

    i liked that part.

  11. kimberlycun says:

    i dont wanna watch it but it proves to be an pretty interesting movie afterall hehehe thanks michael

  12. k3ng says:

    i totally agree with you on the third point mike… the Rock as alexander… that would be cool..

  13. Fieran says:

    Hey, I never knew Alexander was gay. Okay, that’s a bit…shocking. Wow, I was considering watching the movie but now that you’ve mentioned it, I’m going to rethink the whole idea. It’s not that I’m not open to gay – lesbian stuff…I’d just rather not watch such scenes. It’s a bit…weird. Looks like you really didn’t enjoy the movie…

  14. METALRAGE says:

    lol! cool review! we have been forewarned

  15. oliviasy says:

    i watched the documentary on alexander recently, showed on discovery channel. abt his life, his lover and how he actually died all. pretty interesting. proves dat gayism existed a long long LONG time ago… he was a warrior in some sense, but confused in some sense, and brutal in some sense.

  16. jazzman says:

    luckily i didnt waste my time watching alexander… i watched incredibles kick syndrome’s ass.. very entertaining cartoon… better than the will smith lookalike kicking sharks… hahaha

  17. HolyCow says:

    Alexander GAY hah? hehe no wonder he died at the young age, maybe he died of aids, someone might had re-write the history…

  18. Din says:

    Congrats on your new address man.

  19. hanyi says:

    wow .. congrats mike. cheers :)

  20. michaelooi says:

    i’m still working on getting the archives up and the codes straight, kinda like a running change.

    So, if you guys see anything kooky or not right at all, let me know.

  21. ShaolinTiger says:

    Ok dude, I follow you

  22. lepra says:

    3 hr long movie to tell us that Alexander was gay? What a waste of time. thanks for the spoilers. hehe

  23. ahmog says:

    I saw in the discovery channel that Alexander used the “shield of Achilles” on Achille’s tomb for luck.

    Does that mean Achilles is real.. so is Troy?

    Anyway.. Alexander’s empire was crushed because his gay-lover died in battle. He was devastated.. without his “Hepatitis-jab” ;)

  24. michaelooi says:

    “Shield of Archilles” could be just a name .. doesn’t mean it’s real.

  25. Lainie says:

    I thought so many of the actresses looked good! But yeah my god, such an emo gay film….

    uhh…not that I have anything against gay people…But it was so bloody emo I felt like slapping him most of the time

    Hephaistion, played by Jared Leto….Beautiful man, sappy character. sigh

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