November 24, 2004

the red hag

My colleague Elliot chauffeured us to lunch yesterday and was strolling along a deserted street when I noticed a blip. A bright red colored blip, at the end of the stretch. I wasn’t sure what it was initially, but it sure looked like someone wearing a clown suit.

As we moved closer towards the blip, it became more and more apparent, that it was a… housewife. Wearing a bright fluorescent red flowery pajama dress on a red bicycle. She was stunt cycling with one hand maneuvering the bicycle handle, and the other hand holding a fully fledged red umbrella (shielding the harmful UV rays from the sun, yeah right). I’ve never seen someone who’s so fond of reds before. (a Liverpool fan perhaps ?).

She’s probably in her late 50’s and was with a shoulder length neatly cut straight hair – a cross between He-Man’s hairstyle versus Mia Wallace’s of Pulp Fiction (you get the idea). Her face resembled a typical old hag and she was wearing a pair of very thick glasses.

Barf cycle? She’s worth about 1.5… with 0.5 attributed to her ludicrous garbs. I was about to laugh myself stupid when I started to have this conscience, you know, that I shouldn’t ridicule at people too much. It’s bad karma. So I stopped and told myself that there was nothing wrong with that lady… and I should just get a life.

Fine. Elliot car strolled closer towards that housewife, with me still gazing at her in a stifled manner. I kept having this subconscious voice that tells me that she didn’t actually look silly cycling with an open umbrella and looked so bloody red at the same time. I was suppressing myself real hard already.

It went on well, until suddenly, a mutt leapt out of nowhere and started to give chase to that red hag. As red hag was cycling at a very slow pace, it took no trouble at all for that dog to catch up on her. The dog started to sink it’s snappers onto the red bike’s puny tyres. Zweeeekkk ! I instantly felt the friction as the dog’s head got dragged down by the moving rubber and smacked flat onto the paved road. It then rolled a couple of times before getting up to give chase again.

“HAHAHAHAHHHHHH !!! FUCK !!!!” I yelled in tears, pointing at red hag’s direction.

Red hag panicked and I could see her bicycle started to wobble as if a whole generation of rabbits were humping on simultaneously. She hastened her cycling pace and for the second time, that dog caught up on her. This time, it attempted to bite her fluttering red dress… to which, she tried to maneuver her bike in a winding manner, in hope to confuse the wacky dog. And she fucking did it with ONE HAND!

But her efforts were futile, whatever she was trying to do, as the dog caught up on her again. That was when she used her umbrella to shield the dog off. The dog was of a ‘die hard’ breed and was relentlessly trying to get around the umbrella. As the mutt was faster than the bike, it actually forces red hag to paddle faster when its head pushed against her umbrella. So, the red hag was kinda like going faster by the seconds while she had to deal with that menacing canine from behind.

I was laughing so fucking hard by then, almost at the verge of blacking out.

The whole crazy shit then came to an end, when the dog decided that he had had his fun of the day. (so did I). I bet that could be the last time she would ever wear that flagrant dress in public. (If only she’d known earlier… that not only bulls are attracted to red color…)

Now, I finally learnt the ultimate truth – that dogs are indeed men’s best friend. They help us to chase off weirdos and finks alike, making our world a better place to live. Long live the dogs!

michaelooi  | what I saw  | 

32 Comments to “the red hag”

  1. hanyi says:

    LOL mike, i find the ‘die hard’ breed definition of the dog hilarious … hehe

  2. naeboo~ says:

    bulls are colourblind actually. as long as u wave a cloth in front of it in any colour, it will give u a good asspounding chase.

    fun fact of the day. cheerios!! :)

  3. michaelooi says:

    hanyi – credit to the dog..

    naeboo~ – yeah, read that before.

  4. oliviasy says:

    it’s weird isn’t it? dogs hv a tendency to chase car tyres as well. something about them rolling wheels that makes them go nuts!

    dog: oh.. oh…! i see a wheel coming! ohh! ohh…! i’m gonna chase it!!! *bark bark bark bark*

  5. zbjernak says:

    hate dogs….. stray dogs….

    once, a bunch of them chase a boy on bicycle….couldnt catch up….so they stop and start looking at me… about 5 of them…

    i was wlaking….damn…. resorted to throw handful of stones to them….

  6. jazzman says:

    imagine jefferi being chased by a couple of dogs on heat… hahaha. each of them wanting to hump his sick little @$$

  7. michaelooi says:

    olivia – they go nuts over anything. Dogs are easy to please.

    zb – you know, they could be of use sometimes. You can use them as your martial arts practice target … they won’t mind.

    jazzman – heheh. stray dogs have rabies

  8. hanyi says:

    yeah hor … very true, can someone explain why the knn dog wanna kencing cannot kencing anywhere but the fire hydrant and on car tyres .. especially the back tyres. why? hehe :)

  9. michaelooi says:

    hanyi – An object to stream his urine preventing it from splashing back on him ….. that’s why. Dog’s are smart.

  10. cmos says:

    Hmm… why can’t stray dogs go pee at TNB’s high voltage transformer boxes instead?

    Always have to pee at my car tyres… shite… the next mutt which does it will have it’s nuts snipped off… with kiddy plastic scissors…

  11. jefferi says:

    who is jazzman? is he a fucking nerd or what? wiping his asshole with sperm from some other guys after doing some sexual intercourse…. loser. if you cannot trace me just said that you’re a fucking loser. do not bitching around there saying that you can do. jerk!

    i think that your head got some stupid joke virus that need to be clean off or you will be some fucking retarded or retarted. so what with my english grammar or grandpa. fuck your own business. shut your fucking stinking ass mouth and shove your fucking stinking ass to your fucking stinking hole! unka faka!

  12. michaelooi says:

    cmos – that proves doggies are smart. no pissing on transformer boxes. (Besides, they’re located kinda high above the height of most doggies. can’t reach. )

    jefferi – you can’t “shove” an ass to it’s own hole. Do you actually know what is the meaning of “shove” ? *shakes head*

  13. jefferi says:

    mikaoi kiddo – only one can do it. ITS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. michaelooi says:

    jefferi – please, don’t you understand what i’ve said ? you misused the word “shove”, very badly.

    Eg: Try to stuff your head into your own mouth… yes, it’s that bad.

    This proves 3 things :
    1) you’re fucking stupid.
    2) you don’t think before you type.
    3) you’re fucking stupid.

    Period.

  15. shanks says:

    michael – are these two posts from the real jefferi-tard (kinda hard to determine from IP alone, i know)? i mean, come on, his english is really improving, didn’t u notice? he even made a pun, “so what with my english grammar or grandpa”. i was like, “wow” for a second.

    i seriously doubt it is him. to think that there is someone out there who wanna be jefferi certainly makes jefferinyabapakdanmak feel proud.

  16. michaelooi says:

    whoever that is, the stupidity factor in him is overwhelmingly apparent.

  17. bigman says:

    Guys,
    Just ignore him … he is distracting and diverting the discussions and topics into the foul mouth unrelated realm of his own and not to the blog – come on he is ranting all about himself and his ability to swear.

  18. jefferi says:

    get it…!!!!!!!!! OR YOU ARE ONE STUPID JERK!!!
    SHOVE UR DICK TO YOUR FUCKING ASS!!!!!!!
    fucking people trying to talk fucking sense with me….?? go and talk to your fucking self and shove your fucking ass to your fucking mouth.
    or you still fucking ass hole stupid jack ass.

  19. jefferi says:

    shankasspig – go and fuck ur full filling stinking sperm ass from some fucking stinking gorilla that like to sodomise you for just your fucking ass look like a fucking retarded homosex transexual whore… fucking ass…YOU!!!!!!

    and same to YOU KIDDO!!!!!!

  20. michaelooi says:

    damn, he misused the word “fuck” as well. what a pathetic social misfit.

    jefferi, may your soul rest in peace.

  21. Holycow says:

    Jefferi… u r fucking retard..

  22. Din says:

    jefferi? ….What’s that?….New disease ah? … I dunno lar….? It exists?…. Really? Huh? ….I can’t hear you? ….What? …As? ….oooo…you mean Ass. As in Asshole lar? Oooh. I see , I see. I think I’ve seen this species before. …Hmm? Where? In the zoo.

    But not one that can type lar… Huh? You say this one can type? But can’t spell properly? Not even its own name ar? Wah lau, how can an Ass not spell its own name properly? Retarded or what?

  23. naeboo~ says:

    my dogs learnt on their own to pee outside the house compound. we are all bewildered by their smarts coz we never told them to do so. i guess,some dogs are dealt better genes.

    like some humans.

    the rest juz wont quit when they are told they are not welcomed or juz too imbecile to comprehend the meaning of “fuck off already, u syphillis-ridden pile of purple ogre gunk”

  24. ahmog says:

    Hi Micheal,

    Is there to remove the posting with obscenity?

    Except posts done by yourself. ;)

    Rule: Anyone who types any word resembling any obscenity will have the post rejected and their IP broadcasted to all the hackers in the world.

    :p

  25. michaelooi says:

    ahmog – I’m moving to Movable Type soon (with my own domain and shits like that). There will be major revamp to all the functions in this site.

    gonna consider TypeKey assisted commenting system as well.

  26. jazzman says:

    hahaha… seems like jefferi is real pissed off with me… its so easy to get him mad… hahaha… making a jackass of himself again… he can go on & on & on… like that duracell bunny… hahaha

  27. jefferi says:

    jazzman, you really a fucking jackass you know…

    go a fuck a bitch if you don’t know what i mean.

    UNDERSTAND !!!! psycho maniac brain.

  28. jazzman says:

    hahaha… got you again. u sure ur the real jefferi? did u get a new brain planted in ur ass lately… ur vocab seems to hv improved. y the hell r u so fucked up when people criticise u? u seem to enjoy criticising others… beh hor lang kong is it?

  29. Aiyoh that si nong kia still around.

  30. Jayelle says:

    *rolls around with laughter at the comment sections*.. Hohohoho. I get TWO forms of entertainment on ONE page. thanks Michael and the rest of Michael’s readers.

  31. michaelooi says:

    wah, late comer. That retarded guy was banned ler…

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