November 16, 2004

the box

I have this really cool idea … you know, how doctors can be replaced with automated machines that could do the exact same job. Well, of course, there are a lot of factors that are debatable, that doctors can do much more things than a machine can …. bla bla bla, but hey… horses was once thought to be the ultimate land traveler until someone invented the automobiles…

Alright, how does it work? Much the same way like an ATM does. Instead of 1 doctor in a clinic, we’ll have like half a dozen of machines in a premise that would be called – the cyber clinic. It’s a clinic with no nurse nor any doctor. Maybe just a couple of security guards armed with a shotgun or something… to ward off thugs and vandals. (the idea is to have a secure public premise, so, you may even have a bouncer there).

The machine, we shall call it, Automated Medical Assistance Machine (AMAM). AMAM sounded kinda absurd so, we can probably call it “The Box”.

“Oh damn, I think I’m having a fever”
“Just look for The Box dude.”

The Box, will be equipped with the most sophisticated hickeys to diagnose sickness for its patients. The main interface would be a touch-sensitive screen. The first step shall be data collection. The patient will first select from the major categories (on screen), to tell The Box what’s wrong with him/her.

Then, The Box will attempt to collect data from the patient. There shall be a slot or something to let the patient insert his/her hand, and from that slot, the machine will determine the patient’s history or identity through the fingerprint ID and at the same time, determine the heartbeat rate. It probably just gonna take less than a few seconds. If it’s gonna take any longer, there will be a porn themed screen-saver popping up from the screen, to ensure that no customers would ever get bored.

To take the temperature, there will be a sterilized probe ejecting from one of its hidden slots, and the on screen instruction will prompt the patient to put the probe into his/her mouth (or anywhere at all) for temperature probing.

And if there’s any need to obtain the semen sample, one will just need to insert his prick into a fitting hole with a built in contraption – where the machine will proceed to ‘milk’ out the semen using somekind of sterilized rollers… coupled with some soft porn on the screen for that brief moment. Once the semen sample is obtained, it will do some analysis on the samples and cache up the information.

Same goes for the female patient. If there’s a need to obtain any epithelial samples (or anything at all) from a female patient, the machine will be able to eject a disposable dildo to be inserted into the patient’s vagina. Of course, there will be slideshows of half naked muscular hunks to aid the process of sample collection. Once done, the disposable dildo will gently retracts back into the machine. And toot toot teet toot (no this is not R2D2), data will be transformed into useful information. No more pap smears.

Once done, all the information and data will be tabulated in some logic programming to decide, what type of medicine to dispense … and it will automatically print the prescription on a piece of thermal paper. Then you can bring the prescription to your neighborhood pharmacy to get your drugs/medicine.

And the machine would gladly accept credit cards. No problem.

Do you want a copy of receipt of your transactions?
Do you need a medical certificate?

And instantly, the copy of MC would be emailed to your boss and CC your HR officer.

It’s that simple.

Cool eh?

Nobody’s gonna have to be afraid of no pervert and sex maniac doctors anymore.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

15 Comments to “the box”

  1. Din says:

    Time to pay the Patent Office a visit Mike…

  2. shanks says:

    I would like to suggest that “The Box” comes surrounded with drapes like those ah-lien-sticker-camera-booth thingy to prevent other hamsap patients from peeping. But who the heck is going to stop hamsap security guards?

  3. eleine says:

    good good.. can suggest a box like that to replace any wife or husband liao.. no more nagging in the

  4. 100 says:

    sad sad, no more cute young nurses to ‘menggatal’ anymore. But I dont think you need the box to get faked MC. I can photocopied MCs and sign it anytime…

  5. Anand says:

    cool idea…. if this is ever invented, I’d like to be the beta tester… :D

  6. michaelooi says:

    din – yeah man .. i am seriously considering that.

    shanks – and i can take that ahlian photo stickers too … talk about multi purpose.

    eleine – your husband nags you in the ear ?? impossible. that’s probably an old hag in disguise of your husband.

    100 – for that, you can always pay a visit to the local brothels …

    anand – ahahh .. will do. you’re the first in the list …

  7. k3ng says:

    The Box might get hogged up by those sex maniacs who just want the porn and the free dick massage =P.

  8. michaelooi says:

    k3ng – in that case, we’ll work out a counter maniac protection system. Those who visited the machine more than once in a designated period of time, will have his dick locked .. and the machine will automatically contact nearby policestation, wife, mother in laws, reporters , etc.

  9. kimberlycun says:

    i object. object object object. that’s 50% of my trophy husbands possibility gone. i object.

  10. buaya69 says:

    say, let patients select wat type of porn they wanna watch – we’ll make it a premium pay service

  11. michaelooi says:

    kimberlycun – well, for that, you’ll have to pay more. Specialist center.

    buaya69 – yeah, side income. In no time, we’re gonna be richer than P.Diddy.

  12. Dana says:

    I think Dr. Liew will be more than happy, since most of the time he complaint there are always too many patients, not to mention the weirdos!

  13. auyongtc says:

    Yeah.. first to go is Dr Liew and his clinic… :p

  14. michaelooi says:

    dana / auyong – heheh … he’ll be the IT admin there then ,…

  15. 100 says:

    Michael: ‘gatalling’ nurses -> FOC ; visiting brothel -> pay by price / load.

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