November 11, 2004

the barf cycle

We humans created the metrics system to measure something. Its purpose is to eliminate the uncertainties that our ancestors had to endure in ancient times. Our lives prospered and our sciences advanced, all because of the metrics system (except the goddamn Americans)

“A 3 foot long dick, excluding the holim” and your audience will instantly go “WOW !” without having the need to thoroughly imagine the length.

“a girl with a 34D rack” and the crowds go wild without having the need to actually witness the real thing.

Something like that.

But there are a lot of things that are still left without any metrical measurements. Or just simply, they are immeasurable.

One of the most common but critical immeasurable thing is UGLINESS. It’s really hard to measure how ugly a person is. It seems that we human can’t really agree to a set of defined standard that could determine how hideous a ratfink ranks.

Well, that is about to change, for I… have discovered a way to make people measure the depth of ugliness. We don’t have to use adjectives to describe an ugly person no more. Just use michaelooi’s… THE BARF CYCLE METRIC.

Here’s how it works:

I’m sure there are a lot of us out there have experienced throwing up before. Be it alcohol induced or other reasons, they are the same. The moment you plop your head directly into the toilet bowl, you’ll feel some pressure from within that forces out your half digested bolus of food or stomach lining goo. The feeling’s terrible… and it will last for a couple or more seconds and stop. Then if the queasy feeling persists, you’ll barf more.

Now that period of barfing and then stop, is regarded as 1 BARF CYCLE.

How does this relate to the UGLINESS factor? Easy. We use Cher as the standard (the old version, for that matter). She’s equivalent to 1 barf cycle. That means, she’s so ugly that she could make a guy barf for 1 barf cycle. The highest one can get is 5 barf cycles. Anything beyond that would be surreal and probably exaggerated.

The Barf Cycle Table.
1 Barf cycle = a person who is so hideous that his/her look is going to give you some uncomfortable feelings and puke for 1 barf cycle. May potentially cause loss of appetite.

2 Barf cycles = a very ugly person that makes you puke 2 barf cycles and a permanent nauseous feel. Side effects include loss of appetite and nightmares.

3 Barf cycles = puke 3 barf cycles, permanent nauseous feel, loss of appetite, nightmares, hairloss and nosebleed. A person of this rating would probably lose the right to vote, to legally drive or participate in any public events. Required to wear a mask to avoid public injury.

4 Barf cycles = puke 4 barf cycles, permanent nauseous feel and headache, loss of appetite, nightmares, hairloss, nosebleed, gout, gastric, high blood pressure, minor stroke, inability to control some of your limb functions. A person of this rating would be arrested by police on sight and possibly executed without trials. A mask usually won’t help.

5 Barf cycles = puke 5 barf cycles, induces palsy, possibly even permanent brain damage. The ugliness of this magnitude is legendary. Animals would attack the subject on sight, and is considered a hazard to human population. Would be executed on sight without trials, exhumed, sealed in a container, packed into a concrete drum and ploppled into the ocean.

So, next time, if you want to describe how ugly a person is, you can use this BARF CYCLE METRIC for a more standardized expression.

Remember, you heard it from me first.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 

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