November 8, 2004

“The Grudge” (2004)

I bet everyone knew what the hell Ju-On is. Everyone except me. I have always thought Ju-On was another annoying Korean horror movie that could not even scare a 90 year old grandma with hole-in-the-heart problem. But I was so wrong. It was actually an annoying Japanese horror movie, that could not even scare a 100 year old grandma with hole-in-the-heart/spleen/bladder problem !

Well, I didn’t know that initially. That’s why, I hauled my ass to watch The Grudge – a western adaptation of the original Ju-On starring Sarah Michelle Gangbang and Bill Gates (cmon, you guys should already know who the actors/actresses are).

According to some of my buddies who had already watched Ju-On, they said these 2 movies are exactly identical, save for the cast of a few actors/actresses. So, I guess for those who have already watched the original Ju-On, they will find themselves in some kind of Twilight Zone situation — those goddamn ghosts doing some deja-vu haunting shit for different type of races. First the Japanese, then the Americans. I foresee this will be followed by Afghans, Africans, Thais, Malaysians, Singaporeans, those lizards on Kodomo Lion Island. Goddamn, Ju-On’s gonna have a fucking world tour!!

Alright alright, jokes aside. This movie, is a complete deviation from the classic American horror movie. It’s all about Asian ghosts, freaking out (and killing) American people – in this case, it’s Buffy – a well known vampire slayer. The storyline’s kinda ok, but again, like I’ve previously ranted on other horror movies, there seems to be a lot of inexplicable human stupidity involved. Here is some of the highlights :

1) When the old lady that you’re suppose to look after (an assignment from a charity body) is a freak, and you hear strange noises from the attic in her not-so-brightly lit haunted house, what would you do?
A : Scream and get the fuck out of the house
B : Get the fuck out of the house and scream.
C : Scream, get the fuck out of the house, and scream louder.
D : Go up the attic with nothing but a lighter to check the noise out.

Unfortunately, the cute Japanese girl character chose option D and got herself killed. She’s the first victim of Ju-On in that movie. Served her right. Somebody tell me she isn’t stupid.

2) When you see a black shadow (with big fiery eyes and horrifying cry) creeping out from a freaky old lady’s bed, what would be your best idea that darn thing is?
A : A black colored ghost
B : A negro ghost
C : A ghost covered with black pubic hair.
D : You think it’s ‘something not right’.

Sarah Michelle Gangbang thinks it’s option D. It’s everything but a ghost. And she’s scared. I wonder, why can’t she just say “THE HOUSE’S FUCKING HAUNTED AND THERE ARE SHITLOADS OF GHOST IN THERE !”. Somebody tell me she isn’t stupid.

3) When you see a blood drenched Japanese girl schlepping in your workplace lobby like a zombie, in the middle of the night, and she’s not naked, what would you do?
A : Scream and get the fuck out of the building
B : Get the fuck out of the building and scream.
C : Scream, get the fuck out of the building, and scream louder.
D : Walk towards the zombie, confirm if it’s blood drenching from her body, and ask if she’s alright.

The charity center supervisor, which was a guy, chose option D, and got himself smoked in a pretty nasty manner. Somebody tell me, this guy isn’t a retard.

So basically, the haunting would get more and more awesome just because of these stupid people kept hitting a boner. It’s that simple.

How was the special effects? The same old Asian way of doing it — a few inches thick of white foundation on the face, assload of mascara, long hair and a compulsory white robe. Got a few scenes lit with green or blueish lighting that put up the effect of eery ambience. Chintzy.

Then there’s this Toshio ghost kid. He just put on some really thick layer of white powder on his face and open his mouth wide agape. I was kinda freaked the first time I saw the ghost kid, because I’ve never seen a kid that could open his mouth so big. Could even swallow a helmet, no shit. Now, imagine the kid doing this while looking at your crotch. Sheeesh … *goosebumps.

So, how would I rate this movie ? Well, it would score a distinction only if
1) you haven’t watched Ju-On or have no idea what Ju-On is…
2) you’re a female or someone who’s effeminate in nature.
3) you’re a fan of Sarah Michelle Gangbang.
4) you have holes in your heart.

Otherwise, it’ll just be as entertaining as watching people killing themselves by doing stupid things.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 

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