Archive for November, 2004

November 30, 2004

security checkpoint

I had a visitor from USA today. He’s a big white guy that weights 315 lbs, towering at about 6 ft 3, with some really badass beard. Yes, he’s Keith, if you can remember him (blogged about him a few months back during my trip to USA).

Alright, we were coming out from the workplace – where I had just finished showing him around the plant. As usual, we were required to go through a set of stringent procedure at the security checkpoint.

You know, like what they do in airports? Take out all your metal stuff, walk through the metal detector, if it beeps, those security guards are gonna manually scan you up with a handheld metal detector.

I got through and it was Keith’s turn. The metal detector went BEEEEP ! and he was asked to step up onto a slightly elevated wooden platform. A petite Malay security housewife went ahead to scan him up with a handheld metal detector.

BEEEP! His boots beeped.

“That’s a metal safety boot.” Keith explained.

Security housewife continued to scan. Again, the metal detector went BEEEP! and this time, it was right in front of his shirt pocket.

Keith tried to dig the pocket but there was nothing inside. He gestured to the housewife that there was nothing inside his pocket.

Security housewife scanned for another time. BEEEEP ! and looked at Keith with a very concerned face – that he should check his pocket properly or something like that.

“Dude, you sure you don’t have coins or something in there?” I asked Keith.

“No.. there’s nothing in my pocket!”

Security housewife put her scanner in front of Keith’s shirt pocket again and that annoying thing beeped indefinitely – and this time, she has this confident look on her that Keith must be hiding something.

Almost immediately, I started to realize what was about to transpire there.

“Oh god, I hope that isn’t what I think it is … ”

Keith gave me a wry grin and that “oh yeah?” look

“I think you may need to show her your tits…”

Keith chuckled and started to unbutton his shirt. The security housewife was dumbfucked when she saw Keith unbuttoning his shirt. Before she could even react to that, Keith had already undone 2 buttons and he whipped out his left tit.

It was his nipple ring. Keith then pinched his D cup man tit to bulge his nipple further for the security housewife to inspect. The rest of the people around the security checkpoint (including myself) were already laughing like jackasses high on drugs, in a crouching position to withstand the cramping stomach muscle.

The housewife security guard stumbled a few steps backwards hitting the corner of a wall and was wiping her tears – from laughing too hard herself as well. Keith then said it out loud to me “I got this done when I was pissed drunk one night… heh heh heh”.

When he got down from that platform, he quipped further

Keith : “Man, that thing was too sensitive for detecting a nipple ring.. don’t you think so ?”

Me : “Basically it would beep if there’s any metal object .. nipple ring or not.”

Keith : “Does that mean I get to show her my dick if her detector beeps on my dick ring?”

Me : “You pierced your dick too ??”

Keith : “I was just kidding about that… heheh”

And we laughed all the way out to lunch, leaving that bunch of security guards still dumbfounded on what they had witnessed.

michaelooi  | happenings  | 16 Comments
November 29, 2004

a pool of lucid treasures

There’s a friend of mine that loves to brag about his recent weight loss and attributes it to his swimming ‘habit’. He’s like telling everyone that he swims very frequently and how goddamn good he’s at it. It sounded like a big deal for him. What the fuck. I don’t know what makes him feel so proud about all that… and what he had achieved by writhing through a pool of filthy water.

No you didn’t read me wrong – it’s indeed filthy water. Swimming is not a very hygienic activity. Imagine everyone jumping into the same pool. The water may look clear and clean… but then, you’ll never know what is inside it. Here are some of the stuffs that you should expect inside a public swimming pool :

1) Feces. Kids love swimming. They love to defecate too. And when you combine both, WHAM – you got kids’ shits inside the pool. And you, who swims in it, get to drink mouthfuls of those shit saturated pool water when you started to flaunt your beautiful breast stroke style.

Fact : My cousin and I once saw pieces of what resembled wads of unidentified brown matters floating near the bottom of the pool. When we got up, my cousin asked “What the hell were those??”
I retorted “Those were pieces of shits, you dolt.” And we bailed the pool almost immediately.

2) Piss. Come on, who doesn’t piss inside the pool? Maybe the very rational you wouldn’t, but some other inconsiderate people would. Especially kids. Do you think anyone would take the trouble to walk all the way up to the restroom to ease him/herself? Get real. Don’t believe me? Kill yourself.

Fact : My cousin and I again. I once stood beside him inside a pool and suddenly, I felt a warm sensation caressing my thighs. Then, feet, abs, holy fuck !
“Dude! Did you just piss????”
“Ahaks … ”

3) TaiYeeMa. TaiYeeMa is the Cantonese slang for having a menstrual. A unisex pool will always be plagued with this problem, of you know, having those microscopic bits of rotten uterus walls floating inside the swimming pool. You probably won’t see it, but, bite this fact – it’s happening all the time. Gross but true.

Facts : I’ve never encountered a TaiYeeMa piece of super absorbent with wings or tampons floating inside a pool before. I’d be damned if I did. But I’m unsure how much bacteria I’ve ingested throughout my life. Ughh.

4) Infected wounds. Could be worse – a pus infected wounds. Might just be a small (but festering with pus) wound beside some hardcore swimmer’s crotch where you won’t see it. If such a person swims inside a pool, it is most guaranteed that the pus would dilute into the water and disperse all over. This is not much different than swimming in the same pool full of bloated corpses.

Fact : I once saw a guy with a patch of exposed wound on his leg (from a motorcycle accident I suppose). He’s peeling off some loose skin by the side of the pool. I never went back into that pool again.

Phlegm (krraaak ptui), saliva, head lice, proteins from stinking armpits, dirt from unwashed crotches, boogers, ear wax, pukes, orifice discharges …. this could go on forever. Hell, we’re talking about jumping into a pool of toxic human waste here…

So, if you feel proud that you’re leading a very healthy lifestyle by being active in swimming, think for the second time. There are many more hygienic sports out there – like bowling, the only sports where you can have beer at the same time…. So, why choose swimming?

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | 22 Comments
November 27, 2004

“Alexander” (2004)

Watched “Alexander” last night. How would I describe it? 2 words – VERY GAY. That’s right, the goddamn hero of the movie – Alexander – is gay.

If you do not know what I meant, well, allow me to be a little bit blunt here – Alexander the Great sucks dick, fucks a guy’s anus and licks man-titties. Yes, be very disappointed.

Make no mistake, this is not a gay porn. It’s a movie about Alexander’s life – from the day he was a baby till the day he dies – all cramped into 3 hours of ass numbing epic. An epic about his arrogance, his thirst for greatness and most of all, his confusion about his own destiny.

The movie would be a lot more better, if
1) it focuses more on his “Greatness”
2) it has more battle scenes than those gay moments
3) the cast of Alexander were to be played by someone taller and more aggressive – like The Rock or Triple H.
Colin Farrell looks more like a very sick kid in a hospital ward than any warrior. But for the gay scenes, he’s definitely doing a very good job. It disturbed me to my very bone.

Yes, I felt very disturbed about the gay scenes. The movie’s like propagating some kind of message that promotes homosexuality, that it’s ok to get confused about your own sexuality and that we can fuck whatever we want as long as it’s fuckable … and get to be a cool warrior at the same time.

Well, they could have possibly added Alexander doing drugs as well, if it’s not for the time factor (as there’s no heroin back a few hundred years BC).

Kids watching this movie will get an impression that Alexander is a very successful gay bastard (who has a hot mom and an asshole father) – which I think, is not very right. Alexander’s suppose to be a great conqueror, even if he’s gay, they should have cut the part off, you know, this is a movie – not a history lesson. Movies are suppose to be entertaining.

The script’s corny as well, I remember one particular scene where Alexander’s barbarian bride actually saw him mouthing one of his lifelong gay partner, named Hepatitis or something, got shocked beyond recognition and later said this lame line to Alexander

“You… loved him ?”
“No.. he’s … Hepatitis” (or something like that)

Oh fuck, come one, what would be the first thing a woman shout if she discovers her husband’s mouthing another guy who looks better than herself ? Definitely not “You … loved him ?”

And I’ve also noticed, that none of the actresses in the movie look good (save for the group of harems inside the Babylon palace and Alexander’s collagen lipped mom – played by Angelina Jolie). I don’t know why.

A hero should have at least one good looking bitch beside him and also a compulsory intimate scene where the hero get to squeeze some tits and hump that good looking bitch. It’s written in the stars.

But instead, we get to see Alexander flirting with skinny men and his man-bitch – Hepatitis (or something, can’t remember his name). So very gay.

If you’re expecting a good epic with awesome battles, you’ll be disappointed, big time. If you’re a homosexual tard, then this movie should be your cup of tea.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | 25 Comments
November 26, 2004

random thoughts

Sometimes, I wonder why do we need to have kids in our life. You know, they cost money … lots of it. And after that round of innocent stick up, you’ll get additional things to worry about.

About a little guy who will poo whenever or wherever he feels like doing it. And will not bother to ask properly when he’s hungry. He’ll wake you up in the middle of the night, and makes your wife out of shape.

A little deeper into hell, that little guy learns how to run, and start to break things up. He will scream like hell and your headache will never quell.

Just as you thought it couldn’t be any worse than that, the little guy grows up and begins schooling. From that day onwards, you will have to constantly worry about his academic well being and about him with that gang of purple colored teenagers that smoke weed and anything that has the color of a cow dung.

Damn, and fast forward a few mad years later, the little guy will tell you that he’s of legal age to have his own vehicle (that’s also when you realize that he’s not prepubescent anymore) and WHAM ! more money for his motorcycle. And you start to worry that he’ll become someone like MichaelOoi. (or if a ‘she’, you’ll worry that she’ll met some guy like MichaelOoi.)

Then his tertiary education… which is going to chomp out a big percentage from your savings and there goes your dream of changing your old chugging automobile into a new one. And you thought that’s the last straw of your spate of predicaments. But no. Until when the big cocky guy builds up his career and marries a bitch – who will not hesitate to throw your wrinkled ass into old folks home, so that they can make passionate sex all day long without having to worry about the old man.

Then you’ll eventually die of old age, giving him everything without gaining anything back.

The effects and aftermath of SEX is one hell of a deadly suffering. No doubt about it.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | 21 Comments
November 25, 2004

meeting with an undead

My team was having a very heated discussion inside a meeting room today. It was a small room that wouldn’t fit all of us, so, I kinda had to stand right in front of the closed door.

The discussion went on until way past the time it was suppose to end, without us realizing it. (In our workplace, meeting rooms are very limited resources, we’ll have to book it to call for a meeting).

After about 5 minutes past the due time, a petite lady appeared right outside the door and peeked into our meeting room (through a small glass opening at the door). As I was standing at the door, I immediately took notice of her and gave her a petulant glance through the window.

She was immediately taken aback. She then gestured skankily that she had already booked the meeting room for that subsequent hour and we better get the fuck out…

Kidding. She actually did it coyly and was wearing a sheepish smile that would make any bloke feel like putting a high five right into her face sorry for her.

So, I did her a favor. I interrupted the meeting.

“Psst psst… the skeletal lady outside has gone ballistic. She threatens to reveal her bare ribs if you guys don’t give her this room now. Let’s bail!”

Alright, kidding again. I didn’t actually say that. I just went “psst psst” and pointed at the lady outside the door. The guys said they needed 5 more minutes, and I gesticulated to her with my five fingers wide spread indicating “FIVE MORE MINUTES BITCH… FIVE MORE…” and turned back to concentrate on the wrap up of the discussion.

10 seconds later, she tapped on the glass again and gave me the puppy-with-sad-eyes look. If she’s a cute or pretty young girl, it would have worked. But the problem was, she looked like a freshly excavated Incan mummy that had just awakened from its thousand year slumber. 2 barf cycles neat. I don’t dig mummified chicks with dehydrated tits.

I gave her a slightly disgusted look. Again, she pointed here and there in random, which was something beyond my comprehension. I tried to jokingly gesture to her – “No I’m not giving up this room” – but she just could not get it.

That was when I opened up the door wide enough for me to speak to her… and the whole meeting room paused.

Skeletal lady : “Ehek ehek .. sorry yea,… i oledi booked the loom…”

Me : “Yep, we’re wrapping things up…. say.. in about … 3 hours”

Skeletal lady : “Huh !?”

Me : “I was just pulling your leg, lady. 5 minutes”

When I turned back into the meeting room, I could hear one of the managers’ said

“Kanneh .. lu kua ee eh bin … kia si lang …”
(translation : “Fuck .. just look at her face… so damn scary..”)

We then wrapped up quickly and left the meeting room without looking back. Seriously, if she were to strip to her bare ribs, we would have committed suicide by deliberately choking ourselves with our own cellphones or with our notebooks. Serious.

michaelooi  | work shit  | 10 Comments