Archive for October, 2004

October 6, 2004

morning sermon

You know, when a group of male species sit together, they would usually talk about obscene stuffs. Stuffs that involve the opposite sex, that they don’t talk about when the females are around.

That’s exactly what I was doing with my bunch of engineer buddies this morning at our shitty cafeteria (about 6 of us there).

I could not exactly remember who was saying what but, it went like this..

Engineer#1 : “Hey, do you guys know how long Leo is going to be off?”

Leo was the colleague who just got hitched the week before. He was off for a honeymoon vacation.

Engineer#2 : “He will be coming back to work on Monday…”

Me : “That’s fast. He isn’t going to a honeymoon vacation or something?”

Engineer#2 : “Nope. He said next year”

Me : “So, he’s just going to stay at home for the whole week?”

Engineer#2 : “I guess… ”

Me : “Porking day and night? For the whole week? Hehehheh!”

And our group laughed loudly like crazy fucks… piquing a lot of attentions around. And then I continued,

Me : “Pork, eat, sleep, then wake up, and pork again. Pork till his prick sores and his pubic hairs fall off…”

More laughing.

After we wiped all our tears and phlegm from our face, we decided to call it a morning, and started head back to work.

But just when I was about to leave, I happened to catch a glimpse of someone behind our table – our departmental director. He was still sniggering when I saw him. He must have heart all the dirty stuff I told the guys… goddamn. I wonder if this is going to affect my career…

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October 5, 2004

aftermath of drinking

It happened again. The aftermath of drinking. As I’ve mentioned many times before, every time I am on a drinking binge, I will always get an upset stomach. This time, the red wine took it to a whole different level. The hangover on Sunday was nothing spectacular, but it gradually worsened a day after that.

I woke up on Monday to discover that I had a mild fever, and a throat so sore that it’s comparable to labor pain (not that I’ve experienced it but, trust me, it really hurts). I went to work nevertheless, in a half sober state and with a queer mind. When I reached the office, my stomach started to spin. Without procrastinating further, I stormed into a nearby toilet and started to purge.

It began with a couple of loud farts, that was so loud that it got me worried that people might heard it from the office. Then came the real stuff (those farts were just teasers). It was all high pressured shitstorm, pumping out of my ass like a dumb truck. The poo didn’t even look normal (which I managed to find out later), it was thick and mushy with masses of meaty substance I probably had taken 2 nights before, along with the assortment of semi-digested vegetables taken on Sunday.

It was like a ride to the moon – words can’t describe the feeling. I continued to purge for a whole 2 minutes and started to sweat profusely (it was getting unbelievably stuffy inside). When the purging ceased, more farts came out, my ass was like an upside down erupting volcano. There was a 20 – 30 seconds pause after that, and then something came out again.

This time, it was a pottage of shit soup with occasional poo balls (you know poo balls, round and cute little shits that’s as annoying as Pikachu and it’s cohorts), gushing out like a burst water pipe. FSSSSHHHHHHH. TOOMMPP. (the latter was the sound of poo balls shooting into the pool of water). It went on for another 20 seconds. I was so worried that I might pass out (from dehydration) inside the booth, for I, had never encountered a shitting experience so intense.

I was in there long enough to notice that air was turning stale and toxic, and forced myself to stop. It was all a mess, as I stood up to check on the damage, and saw the following :

1) the mixture of liquid and solid shits kind of settled at the bottom of the porcelain bowl (due to it’s dense mass), totally obscuring the draining hole.
2) above the first layer of oozy shit, were those little chunks of poo balls, floating precariously like stray asteroids in our solar system.

I gasped in horror and frantically pushed the flush button (yeah, high tech toilet). Then something went wrong. As the water flushed into the bowl, the whole thing started to flood up because MY HEAVY SHIT WAS BLOCKING THE GODDAMN HOLE. And it was coming up fast, looked like it was gonna overflow on the fucking floor if I don’t do something soon.

Then I did the next best thing – I unlocked the door, and abandoned the booth. I was looking at it with absolute disbelief, and just as I thought the thing’s gonna overflow, suddenly the whole pool of mess let out a huge ass bubble pop – PLOOOOOP – and my shit disappeared into the drainage hole. It was a sight to behold.

*Apparently, when the water started to flood up, my shit that was blocking the hole gave way to the weight of the water, and gave out the PLOOP sound when the air bubble in the air lock escapes.

I swear I’m not gonna drink that much red wine in my life ever again.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
October 4, 2004

pete’s dilemma

Today, I received a call from my boss Pete. Well, ex-boss now, to be exact. He sounded as if I’ve killed his pet dog, some grave matter, dropdead serious.

me : “What happened Pete? What’s the matter?”

pete : “I would like to clarify something with you.”

me : “Go ahead dude, what’s the matter ?”

pete : “Did you know what we ordered that night?”

I could not grasp what he was actually trying to ask me. (because I was half sick myself today. I see things in 256 colors and my resolution was blurry).

me : “Huh ?”

pete : “You know, that night.”

It was the night we went out romping after a colleague’s wedding dinner.

me : “The night after [colleague]’s wedding dinner?”

pete : “Yeah, I wanted to know what have we ordered in the club…”

me : “2 bottles of whiskies. And later through the night, you stirred some shit with the waitress and ordered another bottle of brandy.”

pete : “Oh.. did I??? That explains the bill!”

me : “Are you telling me that you don’t remember paying for all that?”

pete : “Errr… I can’t recall anything at all. I just happened to see 2 bills in my wallet and I got the shock of my life…”

Damn, can you imagine that? My boss calling me up to ask me about something he don’t remember doing in a club. Later when I showed some pictures of him intimating with some female species, he exclaimed :

pete : “GODDAMN! I don’t even remember taking those pictures!”

Yeah, he don’t even remember who brought him home that night (it wasn’t me).

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October 1, 2004

sex maniac

I was walking with Emily along a stretch of boutiques inside a mall, when we were snagged by a herd of schlepping behemoth sized housewives (with a couple of kids running around). Hell, they were walking so slow, that it would even piss a sloth with alzheimer disease. We followed from behind nevertheless, hoping to overtake them when there’s enough space on the walkway to squeeze by.

Walking behind them wasn’t a pleasant experience at all. Those talcum powder smelling lardasses don’t give a damn about other people’s existence. They talk loudly in public, litter everything on the floor, have strong body odors and sometimes, they even fart in front of you. Walking nightmares.

I was needless to say, vexed by the seconds walking behind them and was cussing in my thoughts. Then almost out of a sudden, those housewives made an abrupt stop – which almost made me collide into them. Goddamn dugongs. Apparently, they stopped to check out some really dinky clothes on display outside a boutique.

Due to their large sizes, their stop almost blocked the entire walkway out – and we were unable to pass. As I was about to make a diplomatic move to confront those obese tribals i.e. yelling obscenities at them, suddenly, one of their kids (about 6 – 7 years of age) came in front of me and stopped.

He was obviously up to something. I could see the wickedness behind that set of beady eyes. I then got myself ready to give that little bastard a traumatic kick he would remember for the rest of his childhood, in case he decided to get nasty with me. Well, luckily he didn’t. But instead, he did something that pretty much shocked almost every one around that area.

The kid walked over to one of the female mannequins and lifted up it’s skirt. He then called out loud to his dugong mother (who was already halfway inside the boutique), and asked her to check him out. The mom immediately panicked and yelled back at her kid – PUT THE SKIRT DOWN YOU BASTARD !!

The kid, instead of obeying his mom’s decree, went ahead to caress the mannequin’s crotch and then groped it’s ass. FUCK ! The darn kid was molesting a mannequin in the middle of the shopping mall ! He then took out something from his pocket that looked like a cartoon playing card or something, and shoved it into the crevice of the mannequin’s legs, and started to repeatedly boning it. OMFG !

Emily and I gasped in horror. How the hell could a 6 yrs old imbecile learn all those actions ? There’s nothing like this on TV that could have hinted him about these acts. Barney only teaches kids how to be an idiot and commit suicide… but obviously nothing like this. What the fuck has his mother been teaching him ??? No one knows.

Before the kid went too far to start humping the plastic doll, his chagrined mom quickly stormed out from the boutique shop, grabbed up her son and bailed off in haste.

And we’re wondering why are there so many rapists in our society … that’s because we have assholes rearing kids the wrong way. I was deeply disturbed by the whole event…. and lose my appetite for an extra scoop of ice cream for dinner that night.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off