Been to a lot of weddings lately. Last week was Leonard’s, yesterday was KKW’s and tonight ATW’s.

KKW’s wedding (last night) was a typical Malaysian Chinese wedding. They usually have all these :

- more than half of the guests are relatives that you haven’t even heard before. 6th aunty’s son’s cousin brother. Grandpa’s cousin’s grand nephew. Your father’s goddaughter’s ex-boyfriend’s mother. Your neighbor’s dog. The baboons behind your family house. Etc.

- invitation states 7.30pm sharp. But the dinner always start an hour later. Guests would have to feast on peanuts and soft drinks till they’re half full before the bride & groom walks in triggering a standing ovation.

- dinner always served in 9 dishes. Out of the 9, one of them must be a shark’s fin soup. Now you know why the sharks are getting pretty fucked up. They are being slaughtered and served in Chinese wedding.

- karaoke. A torturing device that was used to remind the guests of the pains and sufferings that the groom’s gonna get from that day onwards.

- the toasting session. Guests would have to stand up to toast the newlyweds, by cheering at the top of their lungs as long as possible for 3 times - “YAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM SENNNNNNNGGGG !”. (which means, ‘good luck with your mother in law’).

I’m sure there are minor differences from places to places but, the ones that I’ve listed above are pretty much the agreed standard.

KKW’s wedding was more or less the common stuff. But there’s one particular point of the dinner that made everyone almost barfed their dinner.

There’s an old guy (about 70 yrs old) who suddenly went up the stage to volunteer a song for the marrying couple. He selected his favorite song and got ready to sing. But instead of singing, he started to tell some stories about his life - which bewildered everyone.

He told everyone about his love life and his agony of marrying his terrible wife, something like that (coz it’s really hard to understand his complex hokkien dialect). He went on and on for about a couple of minutes, until the karaoke organizer gave him a discreet hoot.

Realizing he had to stop telling stories, he nonchalantly gesticulated everyone to give him an applause before he start to sing.

The music then start, but instead of following the lyrics, timing and rhythm from the karaoke screen, the old guy just blurted his lungs away singing the song his own way. He was singing it in a faster rhythm, and some incomprehendable lyrics. Heck, he even performed some kooky and lewd dance on the stage - Kurt Cobain style.

Me and my bunch of colleagues were laughing so hard, that we have beers pouring out of our nostrils. Goddamn.

Still got one more to go. And I pray to the Jedi force, be with me.. so that I won’t get wasted tonight.

Johnny organized an impromptu housewarming party on Thursday night, where the BODs were pompously showered with tonnes of nutritious food like greasy chickens, carbonized sausages, fried [insert food], beers and many more.

I brought along my camera for that event, you know, just in case anything happens and I will have more stories to impress more girls remember.

Then there comes one particular moment, where PukeMachine and Henry were working their asses off to heat up the charcoal stove, while the rest of us were just having beers. Some of the BODs suggested me to take a photo of them so that their grandkids would remember these barbecue pit heroes.

I took the pic, forgotten about it and continued drinking. But when I got home later in the evening, I discovered that I had captured something more than just my friends PukeMachine and Henry - there were some few hundred ghostly orbs flying around PukeMachine’s smirking face and around the dark sky. I was like - Wooooo !

And because it wasn’t something that people get to see everyday, I went to show the picture around office the next morning to impress my colleagues. All of them were needless to say - thrilled.

One of my colleague - Elliot - even commented that the orbs were probably some ‘Chi‘ energies emanated by the nature to signify that the dragon is getting horny kind of shit (I actually forgot what he said). It usually appears when one’s practicing the ‘Chi Qung’… an ancient Chinese art of controlling the energy flow. (you know, smoke billowing from their heads and laser display) - and Elliot said he used to practice ‘Chi Qung’ a lot.

My respond?
“No shit… you better be right about this, because I’m going tell everyone about this Chi thing”.

Right, I began to distribute the picture to my fellow BODs. I was so into explaining my first paranormal picture, writing it like an X-Files script writer… ending the mail with a phrase about Elliot’s ‘Chi’ description.

But not long after sending it out, my friend Ricky replied with a rather disappointing news - that those orbs are just some very minute detail of lights reflected from the ashes flying off the barbecue pit. That bugger even accompanied his mail with a similar picture he took - and the so called ‘orbs’ looked exactly the same !

It was so embarrassing.

Later that afternoon, I met Elliot again. I decided to tease him about his ‘Chi Qung’.

“Elliot, you said you’re a ‘Chi Qung’ apprentice, right ?”
“Yeah, many years ago”
“Have you cooked a cow before?”
“Huh?”
“You know, those Chi energies that beams out like microwaves - cooking a cow…”
“Oh man, you must have been watching too much movies”
“And your mom probably don’t have to use gas or oven. You just ‘Chi’ everything up”
“Hey! The ‘Chi Qung’ is a good stuff… ok?”
“Yeah, and it emits orbs.”

And I began to mimic some of the sounds from the X-Wing vs Tie-Fighter scene in Star Wars. I picked on him for almost the whole day - each time I see him, I’ll say something like this to him

“Hey Elliot, have you ever flew up a 20 storey building with your ‘Chi’ before ?”

Chi my ass.
Chi Seen.

I think birds have attitude problems. Why do they like to poo only when there’s a car below them ? I really can’t understand. What’s so wrong with jettisoning their turds on a bare road ? Or even on the tree branches ? Why has it got to be our cars ? Do our cars looked like a toilet to them ?

They’ve been shitting on our cars for years goddamn it. And each time they did that, we’ll have to clean it up for them. What, they think I’m a part time bird-waste-janitor or something ? This is a serious conduct issue. Someone ought to do something about them. Like making them our national food. Damn, I hate birds.

If any of you birds are reading this, fuck you.

Someone posted this in my “food taboo” entry.

“It is a gross ignorance that one have yet to know the difference between poultry and dogs. Dogs have a long history for a lot of purposes , from hunting to guide dogs for the disabled. Discrimination? More like stupidity for one to think of eating dogs. - Jo”

Obviously, this person is a dog owner. And let’s assume, Jo is a she. I find her comment quite interesting, and here’s my reply to her:

Alright, Jo. I respect your opinion that eating dogs are wrong - that’s because you probably have a pet dog, and high chances that you are having an affair with it as well. And people don’t eat their pet or sex partner so, I kinda understand.

But then, I’ll have to mock you for using the words “gross”, “ignorance” and “stupidity”. Like I’ve said, each culture has their own food taboo. They were brought up to eat things that their ancestors has been doing for centuries. They are doing the right thing in their own senses.

When one’s eating something different from you, that doesn’t mean that they are stupid. If it does sound stupid to you, then the formula works the other way round too. They could be thinking that you’re stupid as well. So, my point is, you are in no position to insult others, just because you’re doing it differently.

And Jo, I know “dogs have long history for a lot of purposes”. So does other animals - which some you claimed as the little word “poultry” (you should use this word as your nick)

Eg.
chickens : we use it’s eggs for cakes and many other uses. We use their droppings as natural fertilizers and many more. Why do you still eat them ??
cows : they were used to pull carts as a mean of transport in ancient times. We use it’s milk to nourish our youngs (and many more). Why do you still fucking eat them ??

So, who’s stupid and ignorant here ? You are, bitch Jo.

If you don’t eat dogs, that’s fine with everyone. But if you’re castigating others that eat something that you don’t, then you’re nothing more than a perforated idiosyncrasy-snob.

Learn how to respect other’s culture - and you’ll discover the joy of living.

You know, when a group of male species sits together, they would usually talk about obscene stuffs. Stuffs that involve the opposite sex, that they don’t talk about when the females are around.

That’s exactly what I’m doing with my bunch of engineer buddies this morning at our shitty cafeteria (about 6 of us there). Let’s call them the BOE’s from now on - Board of Engineers.

I could not exactly remember who was saying what but, it went like this..

Engineer#1 : “Hey, you guys know how long Leonard would be off ?”

Engineer#2 : “Until this Friday, coming back on Monday…”

Me : “That’s fast. He’s going to honeymoon or something ?”

Engineer#2 : “Nope. He said next year”

Me : “So, he’s just going to stay at home for the whole week ?”

Engineer#2 : “I guess so… ”

Me : “Porking day and night ? For the whole week ? Hehehheh..”

A commotion of cackles and snorts reverberated across the entire cafeteria.. our group’s getting a lot of attention. And I continued to advocate my sermon,

Me : “Pork, eat, sleep, then wake up, and pork again. Pork till his prick got lacerated and his pubic hair falls off…”

Another commotion of boisterous guffaws swept across the cafeteria like a wall of tsunami.

After we wiped all our tears and phlegm from our face, we decided to call it a morning, and started head back to work.

When we stood up from our chairs to leave, guess who we saw behind our table ? Our director. He was sniggering when we saw him. I bet he was kinda indirectly getting his own dosage of my sermon as well … and I wonder if it’s going to affect my career… Damn.