Archive for October, 2004

October 13, 2004

the wedding budget

Some summary I managed to obtain after interviewing a groom who had lost thousands from investing in a legal wife. It seemed that he had a better idea of organizing a perfect wedding, but he was cast aside on all decision makings. His wife was evil… and he declared a total loss.

—-

Subject = Wedding
Budget = RM 40,000

Organizer = Bride
1) Wedding photographs at a renowned bridal house – RM 4,000
2) Banquet at a 4 star hotel – RM 30,000
3) Shoes and clothes for the banquet – RM 1,000
4) Honeymoon at Korea’s most romantic location, 6 days 4 nights – RM 5,000

Balance : Zero

Pros :
– Nice wedding photos from bridal house
– Nice banquet for friends and relatives
– A honeymoon to be remembered for the rest of their life.

Cons :
– Banquet requires uncomfortable and formal clothes.
– Far from home during honeymoon (homesick).
– Everything’s freaking expensive.
– Lost a chunk of savings after wedding.

****

Organizer = Groom
1) Buy a prosumer digital camera and ask buddies to snap wedding photos – less than RM 4,000
2) Party at a steamboat restaurant with buddies – less than RM 2,000
3) No need new shoes or clothes. We can wear anything to a steamboat restaurant.
4) Honeymoon at Genting Highlands. – RM 1,000 for transport and lodging. RM 3,000 as gambling stake.

Balance : RM 30,000

Pros :
– Nice and casual party at steamboat restaurant
– Nice (albeit informal) wedding photos taken by buddies
– Get to keep the awesome camera
– Nearer to home during honeymoon
– Extreme low budget (plus the odds of winning back some money at the Genting casino)

Cons :
– None.

****

It is obvious, isn’t it?

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off
October 12, 2004

Ah Phor Hum Char

Warning: immoral entry below. Read at your own discretion.

I wasn’t feeling very well for the past few days – thanks to the fucking red wine that I had during a colleague’s wedding. Red wine sucks. Alright, this post ain’t about red wine. It’s about something better.

You see, I’ve been having this motherfucking sore throat on and off for the past 1 week. Yes, on and off. Just like a pig having orgasm.

But yesterday was the crest of my snafu-ed throat. My throat was swollen like it had been stung by a thousand bees and had constricted basically 3/4 of it’s size. And now, my voice sounded like Bert (you know Bert, the faggot single-browed puppet from Sesame Street).

Then, came my mom. She recommended me some Chinese herbal tea called “Ah Phor Hum Char” – which literally translates to, “Granny’s Salty Tea” in Cantonese. She said it could relieve my sore throat and even resurrect the dead.

But I didn’t feel right about the tea, so I asked my mom

“Mom, I don’t feel right about this Granny tea…”
“Why? It’s good for you…”
“Don’t you think its name sounded a bit weird?”
“Hahah… yeah, I agree it’s weird.”
“It sounded so… absurd”
“Yeah I know what you mean. In fact, we do have a nickname for this tea…”
“And what’s that?”
“Ah Phor Hum Chat”

Hell, I laughed so hard, that I almost barfed my dinner.

Ah Phor Hum Char = Granny’s Salty Tea
Ah Phor Hum Chat = Granny Sucks Dick.

And that’s when I uttered out loudly
“Hahhhhahhh! Let’s drink Granny Sucks Dick !!!”

Here’s a snapshot of Granny Sucks Dick. I just took it 10 mins ago. In the picture – The granny doesn’t seem to enjoy sucking dicks after all…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
October 11, 2004

random shits

I was chatting with my colleagues this morning – about some Mexican chick I met in a restaurant in USA. Was kinda describing about their good Latino looks and their friendliness – you know, the key word was MEXICAN.

Mexican restaurant. Mexican food. Mexican chicks. Mexican ass. Mexican this and Mexican that.

Suddenly, one of the engineers, Rod, asked me “So this McChicken… ”

It was an uncontrollable laughter that followed after that. Skankily then followed by some violent twitching. Then seizure. Stroke. We were dead for a few seconds.

****

I dreamed of something weird last night.

I dreamed of my engineering lecturer David, whom I had a grudge against, was selling popiah by the roadside (popiah – the Chinese/Asian version of enchiladas).

I was arguing with him for refusing to follow my instruction of putting in more spicy sauce or something like that. I can’t remember most of it but, it sort of ended up with me pummeling him on the ground for being such a painful prick.

It was felt good dream.

****

This morning, I discovered 5 – 6 spots of bird poo all over Lorraine. From windscreen to the front, and some random small spots at the rear. It seems that particular bird appears to have a bad case of diarrhea and took a big dump on my car.

I checked my neighbors’ cars (which were parked close to mine), and none of them had a single drop of bird droppings. And that, made me suspect, that some of the birds might have grudge against me and my car… for some strange reasons…

****

We were chatting about Malaysian Idol in the cafeteria this morning. This is like becoming a trend – Malaysian Idol, Singapore Idol, everyone’s having their own “idol” show. I was sort of wondering if India’s gonna have their own Idol show as well.

It would be special, because the contestants are going to be judged based on their dancing and how creative they can roll on grassy knolls. Why? Because they all sound the fucking same when singing.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | Comments Off
October 9, 2004

chi seen

Johnny organized an impromptu housewarming party on Thursday night, where the BODs were pompously showered with tonnes of nutritious food like greasy chickens, carbonized sausages, fried [insert food], beers and many more.

I brought along my camera for that event, you know, just in case anything happens and I will have more stories to impress more girls remember.

Then there came one particular moment, where PukeMachine and Henry were working their asses off to heat up the charcoal stove, while the rest of us were just having beers. Some of the BODs suggested me to take a photo of them so that their grandchildren would remember these barbecue pit heroes.

I took the picture of them, forgotten about it and continued drinking. But when I got home later in the evening, I discovered that I had captured something more than just my friends PukeMachine and Henry – there were some few hundreds of ghostly orbs flying around PukeMachine’s smirking face and around the dark sky. I was like – Wooooo !

And because it wasn’t something that people get to see everyday, I went to show the picture around my office the next morning to impress my colleagues. All of them were needless to say – thrilled.

One of my colleague – Elliot – even commented that the orbs were probably some ‘Chi‘ energies emanated by the nature to signify that the dragons are getting horny kind of shit (I actually forgot what he said). It usually appears when one’s practicing the ‘Chi Qung’… an ancient Chinese art of controlling the energy flow. (you know, smoke billowing from their heads and laser display) – and Elliot said he used to practice ‘Chi Qung’ a lot.

My respond?
“No shit… you better be right about this, because I’m going tell everyone about this Chi thing”.

Right, I began to distribute the picture to my fellow BODs. I was so into explaining my first paranormal picture, writing it like an X-Files script writer… ending the mail with a phrase about Elliot’s ‘Chi’ description.

But not long after sending it out, my friend Ricky replied with a rather disappointing news – that those orbs are just some very minute detail of lights reflected from the ashes flying off the barbecue pit. That bugger even accompanied his mail with a similar picture he took – and the so called ‘orbs’ looked exactly the same !

It was so embarrassing.

Later that afternoon, I met Elliot again. I decided to tease him about his ‘Chi Qung’.

“Elliot, you said you’re a ‘Chi Qung’ apprentice, right ?”
“Yeah, many years ago”
“Have you cooked a cow before?”
“Huh?”
“You know, those Chi energies that beam out like microwaves – cooking a cow…”
“Oh man, you must have been watching too much movies”
“And your mom probably doesn’t have to use gas or oven. You just ‘Chi’ everything up”
“Hey! The ‘Chi Qung’ is a good stuff… ok?”
“Yeah, and it emits orbs.”

And I began to mimic some of the sounds from the X-Wing vs Tie-Fighter scene in Star Wars. I picked on him for almost the whole day – each time I see him, I’ll say something like this to him

“Hey Elliot, have you ever flew up a 20 storey building with your ‘Chi’ before ?”

Chi my ass.
Chi Seen.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
October 7, 2004

food taboo – a note to someone

Someone posted this in my “food taboo” entry.

“It is a gross ignorance that one have yet to know the difference between poultry and dogs. Dogs have a long history for a lot of purposes , from hunting to guide dogs for the disabled. Discrimination? More like stupidity for one to think of eating dogs. – Jo”

Obviously, this person is a dog owner. And let’s assume, Jo is a she. I find her comment quite interesting, and here’s my reply to her:

Alright, Jo. I respect your opinion that eating dogs are wrong – that’s because you probably have a pet dog, and high chances that you are having an affair with it as well. And people don’t eat their pet or sex partner so, I kinda understand.

But then, I’ll have to mock you for using the words “gross”, “ignorance” and “stupidity”. Like I’ve said, each culture has their own food taboo. They were brought up to eat things that their ancestors have been doing for centuries. They are doing the right thing in their own senses.

When one’s eating something different from you, that doesn’t mean that they are stupid. If it does sound stupid to you, then the formula works the other way round too. They could be thinking that you’re stupid as well. So, my point is, you are in no position to insult others, just because you’re doing it differently.

And Jo, I know “dogs have long history for a lot of purposes”. So does other animals – which some you claimed as the little word “poultry” (you should use this word as your nick)

Eg.
chickens : we use it’s eggs for cakes and many other uses. We use their droppings as natural fertilizers and many more. Why do you still eat them ??
cows : they were used to pull carts as a mean of transport in ancient times. We use it’s milk to nourish our youngs (and many more). Why do you still fucking eat them ??

So, who’s stupid and ignorant here ? You are, bitch Jo.

If you don’t eat dogs, that’s fine with everyone. But if you’re castigating others that eat something that you don’t, then you’re nothing more than a perforated idiosyncrasy-snob.

Learn how to respect other cultures – and you’ll discover the joy of living.

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