Malaysian driving school FAQs for Ah Beng / pigdog / redneck drivers..

Q : What should I do when I want to turn into a junction ?
A: Well, it depends which direction you want to turn. If you want to turn left, yank your steering wheel to the left. If right, yank your steering wheel to the right. You don’t have to worry about other commuters. They have sixth sense .. they’ll know when you want to turn.

Q : What should I do when my car suddenly stall in middle of a traffic ?
A: NOOOOO.. don’t ever push your car to the side. Leave it as it is. Get the fuck out from your vehicle. Open up the car engine hood and just pretend to look for something inside (even though you don’t know what to look for..). Someone will eventually approach to help you (or mug you).

Q : What should I do when if I happen to get involved in a minor accident ?
A: Leave your car in the middle of the road. Don’t move it to the side. Jam up the whole road, it’s fine. The reason is, you’ll need people to witness that accidents are terrible - so that they can learn from your mistake. It’s a good thing.

Q : What are those little sticks at the side of my steering wheel that are marked with arrows ?
A: The driving school has yet to learn this function of a car. Ask some other time.

Q : What’s that button with red triangle mark inside my car ?
A: That is the emergency button. Use it when you are following an ambulance to weave through a traffic congested area. Or when you are stopping in the middle of the road to pick up your son from school. This will prevent cars from honking you.

Q: What are the main safety accessories/equipments that I should install to make my car safer ?
A: Big exhaust pipes - noisy enough to make people notice your presence. Blue luminescent lights on your windscreen sprinkler - to zap insects. Loudspeakers and woofers - crank the volume to max to ensure that your car is noisy enough to prevent drowsiness.

This is a community message brought to you by Durex - the anti rust/fungal condom.

Contemptible drivers, they’re everywhere. But today, I met the worst of them all. It was a driver in his 30’s. Fat, ugly and livid as a fish’s belly. He was the type that you wanted to punch straight in his face for looking so despicably grotesque.

He was on a maroon Land Rover and we’re on the bridge. The traffic was crawling as usual, and his big ass Rover was on my left.

I saw him from my side windows, this pig and his Rover was making an angle towards my lane - without any signaling lights or whatsoever. I gave him a short honk to alert the mongoloid pig, and he steered back straight.

Then, he did it. He shoved his wheeler into my lane all of a sudden, which made me almost reared him. If I happen to drive a Proton, I would have died tragically behind the Land Rover’s bumper in that traffic jam.

Alright, as if it’s not bad enough, this guy, he was driving at 30 kph after overtaking me at my lane (which is an express lane) - and piled a long queue of vehicles from behind.

That actually made my blood boil, no one in his right mind would drive 30kph on an express lane… So, I continuously gave him highlights and honks. But he was as stagnant as a cow.

I couldn’t bear the speed, so I weaved my way to his front. That was when I learnt the shocking truth from my rear view mirror, this abominable ratfink was half sleeping inside his vehicle ! Can you imagine that ???

1) shoving his vehicle into a lane without signals.
2) hogging an express lane
3) driving a vehicle drowsily
4) looking like a pig

Damn, what next ? Driving without a license ? Stickup a spastic center ? Beat up old people ? This motherfucker ought to be hung, whipped, sodomized by a pineapple, hung again and shot in the face.

Some summary I managed to obtain after interviewing a groom who had lost thousands investing on a legal wife. Apparently, it seems that he had a better idea of organizing a perfect wedding, but he was cast aside on all decision makings. His wife is evil … and he declared a total loss.

—-

Subject = Wedding
Budget = RM 40,000

Organizer = Bride
1) Wedding photographs at a renowned bridal house - RM 4,000
2) Banquet at a 4 star hotel - RM 30,000
3) Shoes and clothes for the banquet - RM 1,000
4) Honeymoon at Korea’s most romantic location, 6 days 4 nights - RM 5,000

Balance : Zero

Pros :
- Nice wedding photos from bridal house
- Nice banquet for your friends and relatives
- A honeymoon to be remembered for the rest of your life.

Cons :
- Banquet requires uncomfortable formal clothes.
- You’re far from home during honeymoon (homesick).
- It’s freaking expensive for everything.
- You will be broke after wedding.

****

Organizer = Groom
1) Buy a prosumer digital camera and ask some buddies to snap the wedding photo - less than RM 4,000
2) Party at a steamboat restaurant with buddies - less than RM 2,000
3) No need new shoes or clothes. We can wear anything to a steamboat restaurant.
4) Honeymoon at Genting Highlands. - RM 1,000 for transport and lodging. RM 3,000 as gambling stake.

Balance : RM 30,000

Pros :
- Nice & casual party at steamboat restaurant
- Nice informal wedding photos that you’ve taken with your buddies
- You get to keep the awesome camera
- You’re never far from home during your honeymoon
- Extreme low budget (plus you still have chances to even win back your spent money at Genting)

Cons :
- None.

Warning: immoral entry below. Read at discretion.

I wasn’t feeling very well for the past few days - thanks to the fucking red wine that I had during Leonard’s wedding. Red wine sucks. Alright, this post ain’t about red wine. It’s about some better beverage.

You see, I’ve been having this motherfucking sore throat on and off for the past 1 week. Yes, on and off. Just like a pig having orgasm.

But yesterday was the crest of my snafu-ed throat. My throat was swollen like a thousand bee stung and has shrunken basically 3/4 of it’s size. And now, my voice sounded like Bert (you know Bert, the faggot single-browed puppet from Sesame Street).

Then, came my mom. She recommended me some Chinese herbal tea called “Ah Phor Hum Char” - which means, “Granny’s Salty Tea” in Cantonese. She said it could relieve my sore throat and even resurrect the dead.

But I ain’t feeling right about the tea. That’s when I asked my mom

“Mom, I don’t feel right about this Granny tea …”
“Why son ? It’s good for you..”
“Don’t you think it’s name sounded a bit weird ?”
“Hahah .. hell yeah, it’s weird.”
“It sounded so …. absurd”
“Hahah .. yeah I know what you meant. In fact, we do have a nickname for this tea…”
“And what’s that ?”
“Ah Phor Hum Chat”

Hell, I laughed so hard, that I almost barfed my dinner.

Ah Phor Hum Char = Granny’s Salty Tea
Ah Phor Hum Chat = Granny Sucks Dick.

And that’s when I uttered out loudly
“Hahhhhahhh! Let’s drink Granny Sucks Dick !!!”

Here’s a snapshot of Granny Sucks Dick. I just took it 10 mins ago.
It seems like the granny’s not enjoying sucking dicks. Hahahhhhhhh !

I was preaching the BOE’s (Board of Engineers) this morning - about some Mexican chick that I’ve met in a restaurant in USA. Was kinda describing about their good latino looks and their friendliness - you know, the key word was MEXICAN.

Mexican restaurant. Mexican food. Mexican chicks. Mexican ass. Mexican this and Mexican that.

Suddenly, one of the engineer, Rod, asked me “So this McChicken … ”

It was an uncontrollable laughter that follows. Skankily then followed by some violent twitching. Then seizure. Stroke. We were dead for a few seconds.

****

I dreamt of something weird last night.

I dreamt of my engineering lecturer David, whom I had a grudge against, that he was selling popiah by the roadside (popiah - the chinese/asian version of enchiladas).

I was arguing with him for refusing to follow my instruction of putting in more spicy sauce or something like that. I can’t remember most of it but, it sort of ended up with me pummeling him on the ground for being such a painful miser.

It was felt good dream.

****

This morning, I discovered 5 - 6 spots of bird poo all over Lorraine. From windscreen to the front, and some random small spots of it at the rear. It seemed that particular bird appears to have a bad case of diarrhea and took a big dump on my car.

I checked my neighbor’s car (which was parked directly next to mine), and none of them have a single hint of bird droppings. And that, makes me suspect, that some of the birds might have actually read my hate entry about them - and they took it all out to shit on my car.

Told ya birds are immoral.

****

We were chatting about Malaysian Idol in the cafeteria this morning. This is like becoming a trend - Malaysian Idol, Singapore Idol, everyone’s having their own “idol” show. I was sort of wondering if India’s gonna have their own Idol show as well.

It would be special, coz the contestants would be judged based on their dancing and how creative they can roll on grassy knolls. Why ? Because they all sounded the same when singing.