Archive for October, 2004

October 18, 2004

proving my point

A month ago, some bigot emailed and hooted me that I exaggerated about stomping a roach squirting its entrails. He said he suspected that did not happen and I fucking lied.

Well, I managed to stomp another one yesterday. A big one. Took a picture of it. It’s gross. So gross that it turned my stomach and made me barf in my mouth a little. Uggghhh.

I am not going to publish it here because it might make some people sick. But if this is the kind of thing that makes you excited, you can check it out yourself by copying the following link into your browser and load it up yourself. Do it with discretion though, it’s gross. (WARNING: EXTREMELY GROSS PICTURE I’M TELLING YOU..)

Asshole, if you’re reading this, take the liberty to check the picture out. It’s for your next birthday.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off

why you so like that ?

As we are all aware, we’re now in the holy month of Ramadhan – where our Muslim friends will fast from dawn till dusk. During the day time, none of them are suppose to eat, drink, or ingest anything at all.

I have yet to ask any of my Muslim friends why do they have to do that – but then, let’s just say, I’m not very interested to find out. I’m not a religious guy or someone who cares about the welfare of others… so, I’ll just mind my own business.

But on Friday, after I had hauled my ass out from a perilous 40 minutes traffic jam RIGHT OUTSIDE MY QUIET NEIGHBORHOOD, I decided to ask everyone this — Why are there so many Muslim people violating traffic rules during the month of Ramadhan???

Don’t get why I asked that?

Look around you. At about 5 – 6pm, there will be stalls popping up by the roadside basically at every corner. Our Muslim friends will then throng the streets to buy food from these stalls for their daily fast break. Now, what’s my problem with that? No I don’t. I have problem with something else.

Problems with inconsiderate idiots who park their bicycles, motorcycles and cars.. ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. And these, my friends, cause massive traffic jam almost HALF OF PENANG each time we’re near the hours of breaking their fast.

They would park their vehicles on single line, double lines, emergency lanes, by the fire hydrant, anywhere. And these inconsiderate schmucks, would then march on the road like bold invincible gangsters, obstructing the flow of traffic and crossing roads without looking.

Hello ??? Is there anything inside your head?? Park your fucking vehicles at allocated car parks lah! Or anywhere that doesn’t block the traffic. Why can’t you people be considerate?? There are others (that may not be Muslims) who also want to be with their family for dinner, NOT JUST YOU.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
October 17, 2004

the feline exhibitionist

My wife Emily and I were having our dinner in a ghetto food center, when a white cat (with black spots) came along and lay down flat by its side just by our table.

You know how cats love to lie sideways on the floor, and act as if everyone’s admiring its stylish pose like that. That was exactly what this cat was doing, lying there and acted like it was getting a lot of attentions.

It was ostentatiously displaying its crotch region and was licking it. SLURP. SLURP. First the crotch, at its own tits. I took up a straw from my iced drink, and blew a few shards of crushed ice at it. The first shot went astray, and ended up somewhere near its paw – to which the cat looked at confusingly, without suspecting anything. Then I took another shot, and it hit the cat’s belly this time. I was expecting the cat to jump up or something… but surprisingly, it didn’t. That shot was like a flea itch to the darn cat, and it licked at the spot somemore.

The third shot, I made myself determined. I took a careful aim at its head and blew a shard of ice out from the straw with all my might. The ice shard flew straight into its ear and made it to jump up about half a feet high. Then just about the same split second, the cat shot through the food court into a nearby stall looking all pissed scared and was shaking its head vigorously.

Man, I was laughing so hard, that it attracted some attention from the patrons nearby – those people must have thought that I was out of my mind. It was fun shooting at cats, you guys should try it someday.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
October 15, 2004

driving school FAQs

Malaysian driving school FAQs for Ah Beng / pigdog / redneck drivers..

Q : What should I do when I want to turn into a junction?
A: Well, it depends which direction you want to turn. If you want to turn left, yank your steering wheel to the left. If right, yank your steering wheel to the right. You don’t have to worry about switching on any indicators or about other commuters. They have sixth sense… they’ll know when you want to turn.

Q : What should I do if my car suddenly stalls in middle of the traffic?
A: NO… you don’t have to push your car to the side. Leave it as it is. Then get the hell out from your vehicle. Open up the car engine hood and pretend to look at something inside. Doesn’t matter if you don’t know anything about fixing cars. Just pretend. Someone will eventually approach to help you (or mug you).

Q : What should I do if I ever get involved in an accident?
A: Leave your car in the middle of the road. Don’t move it to the side. Just jam up the whole road, it’s fine. The reason is, you’ll need people to see what has happened to you, and realize that accidents are terrible – and learn from your mistake. You’re doing a good thing for the community here.

Q : What are those little sticks at the side of my steering wheel that are marked with arrows?
A: The driving school has yet to learn this function of a car. Ask some other time.

Q : What’s that button with red triangle mark inside my car?
A: That is the emergency button. Use it when you are following an ambulance to weave through a traffic congested area. Or when you are stopping in the middle of the road to pick up your son from school. This will prevent cars from honking at you.

Q: What are the main safety accessories/equipments that I should install to make my car safer?
A: Big exhaust pipes – noisy enough to make people notice your presence. Blue luminescent lights on your windscreen sprinkler – to zap insects. Loudspeakers and woofers – crank the volume to the max to ensure that your car is noisy enough to prevent drowsiness.

This is a community message brought to you by Durex – the anti rust/fungal condom.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off
October 14, 2004

a rolling disaster

Contemptible drivers, they’re everywhere. But today, I met the worst of them all. It was a driver in his 30’s. Fat and ugly, the driver was the type that makes you want to punch him straight in his face.

The guy was in a maroon Land Rover and we were on the Penang Bridge. The traffic was crawling as usual, and his big ass Rover was on my left. I already noticed him earlier from my side windows, this pig and his Rover was making an angle towards my lane – without any indication or whatsoever. I gave him a short honk to alert the mongoloid pig, and he steered back straight.

Then, he did it again. He shoved his wheeler into my lane all of a sudden, which almost made me plow into him. If I were to drive a Proton, I would have died a tragic death getting pinned under that big ass Rover bumper.

Alright, as if it was not bad enough, this guy then drove at about 30 kph after overtaking me at my lane (which was an express lane) – and hogged the whole lane. That was when my blood boiled, and I continuously highlighted him from behind and honked. But he was impervious to anything like a corpse.

I couldn’t bear the speed, so I overtook him from the inner lane to the front. That was when I learnt the shocking truth after checking the fucker out from my rear view mirror – that motherfucking asshole was actually half sleeping inside his SUV! Can you fucking believe that??

1) shoving his vehicle into the express lane without indicating,
2) hogging an express lane,
3) sleeping behind the wheels,
4) looking like a pig

Man, this motherfucker ought to be hung, whipped, cornholed with a pineapple, hung again and shot in the face.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | Comments Off