Some of Emily’s weird friends.

*****

Name : Pear.
Profile : Is one of Emily’s best (and freakiest) friend. She’s an ok girl if it wasn’t for her stupidity. Looks ? Well, let’s just say, she attracts weirdo’s more than anything else. I’ve blogged about her stupidity before, you be the judge.

History of vexation:
When I started dating Emily, Pear was the one who persistently harassed us. We wouldn’t get to spend our time alone, because she would stalk us from behind and spy on us. I am not making this up. Hell, I can’t even think of doing stuffs lovers supposed to do. Oh damn it, that’s a trauma that will always haunt me for the rest of my life.
She also would scribble horrible things on a paper and put it inside Emily’s textbook to freak her out — things like “I’m watching you.” or sometimes “I have spiritually communicated with your late mother, she said Michael sux”. Something like that.
For what ? I wasn’t sure. I initially suspected she was homosexual, but later she got herself a boyfriend, which puts this theory to rest. Her freakish acts still remain a mystery.

She’s also one of Emily’s most annoying female friends. She speaks in a volume that’s hardly discernible from a mosquito hum/buzz/whatever.
That usually won’t be a problem for me, until I discovered the fact that she’s also ‘phone freak’. You know what’s a ‘phone freak’ ? A phone freak’s a freak that loves to call people up on the phone, and speak something of least importance. Like calling up someone to ask “if she has seen a particular show on TV”. FUCK.
Alright, what has that got to do with me ? I answer the phone all the time, you see, and I have hearing problems. And she speaks too softly. The result ? You got a distraught guy (which is me..) slamming her up for good thinking it’s a prank call … and sometimes, yell her on the phone to speak louder. That’s how I got labeled by their sorority of bitches as “a fierce and savage husband”. Pukimak betuih ni….

- a lot more which I could not recall.

*****

Name : Ah Fah
Profile : Is one of Emily’s best friend too. She’s a little bit more intelligent than Pear, but less intelligent than a piece of rock. Looks ? She looks like a normal girl next door with a rich harvest of zits.

History of vexation:
Actually, she isn’t much of a problem, until she moved here (Penang). The problem with her is, she’s a bit too dependent on others. In this case, us. How ? Well, slap that question back to her - How could you move to Penang without a goddamn transport ? Even school kids have their own transport. A transport in Penang is compulsory. Why ? Coz Penang’s public transport sucks big time. As a result of that, Emily have to worry about her welfare and has been her driver for the following : job interviews (approximately 5 whole long day, with 2 days requiring off from work), looking for a place to rent (innumerable, coz Ah Fah’s finicky about everything), shopping (a couple times me as the driver, and countless of times by Emily), dinners, lunches, etc etc.

What’s my problem ? My wife, Emily, has to sacrifice her working time (and her leisure time) to be with her. It’s really hard for me to see my own wife being taken advantage of. Sometimes, Ah Fah’s so deluging that she even call up Emily to bring her to ATM !
There’s one type of slug that has a very similar way gaining advantage of others for survival - leeches. If you don’t know what’s a leech, go find a nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it, and flush.

*****

Name : UglyHag
Profile : Is not Emily’s best friend. She’s acting as if she’s my wife’s best friend. Make no mistake, both of us don’t like her. Looks ? She reminded me of a very plump piece of pancake.

History of vexation :
Talking with her is akin to talking to The Oracle in The Matrix. You know how frustrating is that - trying to act smart and condescend like that …but instead, full of bullshit. I do not know what’s her problem but I reckoned that she must be thinking that she’s somekind of a saint, just because she’s a member of some Buddhist society.
She’s the type who would see a flower and cry a poem, talk to plants, animals, rocks, etc. A classic snob. When she flunked her accountancy exam, she would go around and mutilate animals. Alright, I made that up, but she does show some nasty face to us when she learned that Emily got better result than her and earned her accountancy earlier. Saint ? My ass.

What’s my problem with her ? I can’t stand her fallacy of goodwill. She had criticized way too much things about me and my stuffs behind my back. I don’t like her, period. I prefer knowing somebody honest, not some inverterbrate like her.

*****

It’s not possible for me to list every single one of them. It will corrupt the entire Blogger.com’s storage. Besides, it’s not really worth my time doing all that. My time can better be used for something more meaningful, like surfing for porn or stomping roaches.

*What triggered the anguish post on 10/23 ?
Well, I’ve just finished washing my car when it suddenly rained on Saturday noon. Then Emily came back with Pear and Ah Fah from shopping. I was like - “what are they doing here ?”. Emily told me they wanted to check out some of our photos. Alright, I didn’t give a damn about them, nothing could possibly go wrong.
But I was soooooo wrong.
Some of you intelligent ones could have guessed this - they asked me to fetch them home. After checking out some photos. Just like that. What’s my problem ? I have just FUCKIGN WASHED MY BLACK COLORED CARRRRR !!!!!!! AND IT WAS RAINING OUT THERE !!!!!!!!! *tears rolling down my cheek* Is there still any justice out there ??? If yes, somebody please execute that 2 female amoebas ! ARRHHHHHHH !!!!
Aftermath : I have to re-wash my car. It was a very bad day for me.

You know, one of the worst thing that could ever happen to a married man is having to endure his wife’s abysmally abominable stupid female friends. I am in no exception. Emily has a lot of friends, and her closest friends are, unfortunately, among the most stupid and repugnant human beings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. They are very annoying and are the motherfuckest of all bitches that has ever spawned on Earth’s hell. I fucking hate them.

I have always wanted to spit and yell obscenities at them. But the sad thing is, I can’t do that. It will affect my relationship with Emily. Besides, I might end up in jail for manslaughter - because her romance-novel-retard friends would probably cry till dehydrated and commit suicide by swallowing overdosage of laxatives .. for they’re unable to accept the humiliation.

These bitchasses would commit suicide on virtually anything, flunk an exam, failed relationship, dead hamster, you name it. And I don’t want to be blamed for whatever stupid act they did after yelling at them. It’s just not fucking worth it.

I’ll have no choice but to endure those parasitical cunts. I’ll have to fucking keep my cool each time they annoyingly vexes me. I’ll have to pretend that I’m a real friendly guy, and act that I don’t mind them taking advantage of my life. I’ll have to fucking smile even when my blood’s boiling and dissipating into highly flammable gas.

UGHHHHHH ! WHAT THE FUCKKKKK HAD I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE THIS !?!?!?

I think I’ll have to resort to mutilating animals to balance out my predicaments.

Leave me alone.

Seen in an office cubicle near my desk –> “Never Say NO”.

That made me went - What the fuck ?? Never say No ?? What kind of asinine quote is that ??

That piece of color printed slide was actually hung on one of the manager’s cube. It was printed FULL PAGE on display up high to ensure everybody gets the message.

Maybe she (yes, it’s a she) was trying to act courteous or shits like that but, she could have used something more intelligent… like “I am not stupid” … or just simply “I am intelligent”, you know… Hammmara wokek !

Alright, what was so wrong with that quote ? Try answering these examples without saying NO…

- What’s the opposite of YES ?
- Are dogs a type of fish ?
- Would you suck my dick and give me all your money ?

The possibilities are innumerable. Managers are stupid people. In my workplace.

I was thinking, if fengshui is so goddamn powerful and efficient, then

- there would be no more poor people in this world. By just placing a 20 bucks lopsided 3 legged frog on top of the right corner of your television, you will be successful in your career and strike at any 4D number you happen to bet on.

- there will be no more sick people. By wearing a festoon of special cheap plastic beads cum charm, you’ll be enjoying longevity like a turtle’s, in the pink of health. If you’re already in pink of health, then you’ll be blessed with a pair of Sophia Loren’s tits. If a guy, Stallone’s rock hard ass.

- there will be no more fat people. Obese people will just need to ensure that their bed is facing East during day time and west during night time. You’ll be as fit as the shape of a Japanese slipper and maintain that way no matter how much lard you consume.

- there will be no more stupid people. By planting a piece of sapphire colored crystal near your second toilet bowl (your house HAS GOT TO HAVE AT LEAST 2 TOILET BOWLS OR IT WON’T WORK YOU IMBECILE!), you will be granted with wisdom that would make Confucius look like a kindergarten dropout.

- there will be no more lonely people. By tying a red ribbon on the handle of your bedroom door, you will be bestowed with an abundant of love from the people, animals and insects around you.

- there will be no more accidents on the road. By placing a big porcelain pig with no genitals at the top of your vehicle’s dashboard, you will be blessed with an aura that could repel basically anything (including stray dogs & mother in laws) within 4.5 ft radius around your vehicle.

- there will be no more deaths. By wearing a special yellow charm with some red colored scribblings, you will be able to operate heavy machinery wearing a pajama in your most intoxicated state without worry - because nothing can hurt you. You’re invincible and immortal.

- there will be no more stray opinions. By planting a pot of cactus inside your shoe rack, basically everyone will think Honda City is as good looking as a Cadillac,…. not like flowerhorn fish at all. Nope.

Pleaaasse… fengshui masters out there, what are you waiting for ?? Change the world already ! Make the war stop, eradicate terrorism, cure cancer, make Michael Jackson black again, anything.

There’s a guy in my office that looked very much like Homer Simpson. With a little bit of hair off his head and some yellow paint on his skin - WHAM ! You got a perfect replica of Homer.

Homer sits near a very busy walkway - which was how I noticed that uncanny resemblance. I get to see his funny face a few times a day, everyday. Each time I walk past his cube, I would sneak a snigger or two thinking if they are actually twins.

But then, this guy had a cleaner reputation than the real Homer. Instead of being a paranoid and dumb fart, he’s kinda suave and very much on the silent side. Not a hint of evil. But that squeaky clean image changed utterly when I inadvertently caught him doing ’something’ a couple days ago.

I was walking back to my desk as usual, when I saw Homer’s head inside his cube from approximately 30 ft away. His head was bobbing up and down, sort of doing something.

20 ft, his face was fully visible, apparently, he was busy doing something. Full concentration.

10 ft, I can see him sitting in an awkward pose on his chair. Still, in full concentration on whatever he was doing.

5 ft, I saw Homer took out one of his hands and took a long whiff, followed by an expression of euphoria cum satisfaction. I gasped in horror.

He immediately noticed my exasperation and quickly turned away in an embarassed manner.

Gawwwd ! What the fuck was he whiffing out from his hand ? This is so traumatically gross goddamn it ! From my understanding, people only whiff their hands when

1) They touched something that was unknown to them, and decided to take a whiff to find out.

2) They were digging/rubbing/excavating dirts from their private parts and whiff at them for some sickening sexual gratification.

From his expression after taking that whiff, I reckoned it could very likely be the latter one. Bleargghh !

Lesson learnt : Be very careful on who you shake your hands with… there are a lot of sick and sadistic people out there.