Archive for October, 2004

October 23, 2004

I AM DAMN PEK CHEK !!!!!!!

You know, one of the worst things that could ever happen to a married man is having to endure his wife’s abysmally abominable stupid female friends. I am in no exception. Emily has a lot of friends, and her closest friends are, unfortunately, among the most stupid and repugnant human beings I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. They are very annoying and are the motherfuckest of all bitches that have ever spawned on Earth’s hell. I fucking hate them.

I have always wanted to spit and yell obscenities at them. But the sad thing is, I can’t do that. It will affect my relationship with Emily. Besides, I might end up in jail for manslaughter – because her romance-novel-retard friends would probably cry till dehydrated and commit suicide by swallowing overdosage of laxatives… for they’re unable to accept the humiliation.

These bitchasses would commit suicide on virtually anything, flunked exam, failed relationship, dead hamster, you name it. And I don’t want to be blamed for whatever stupid act they are going to do after yelling at them. It’s just not fucking worth it.

I guess I’ll have no choice but to endure these hardships like a man. I’ll have to fucking keep my cool each time they annoyingly vex me. I’ll have to pretend that I’m a real friendly guy, and act like I don’t mind them taking advantage of my life. I’ll have to fucking smile even when my blood’s boiling and dissipating into highly flammable gas.

UGHHHHHH ! WHAT THE FUCKKKKK HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE THIS !?!?!?

I think I’ll have to resort to mutilating animals to balance out my predicaments.

Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
October 21, 2004

wind & water

I was thinking, if fengshui is so goddamn powerful and efficient, then

- there will be no more poor people in this world. By just placing a 20 bucks lopsided 3 legged frog on top of the right corner of your television, you will be successful throughout in your career and strike any 4D number you bet on.

- there will be no more sick people as well. By wearing a festoon of special cheap plastic beads cum charm, you’ll be enjoying the longevity of a turtle’s, in the pink of health. If you’re already in the pink of health, then you’ll be in turn blessed with a pair of Sophia Loren’s tits. If a guy, Stallone’s rock hard ass.

- there will be no more fat people. Obese people will just need to ensure that their bed is facing East during day time and west during the night time, then you’ll effortlessly be as fit as the shape of a Japanese slipper and maintain that way no matter how much lard you consume.

- there will be no more stupid people. By planting a piece of sapphire colored crystal near your second toilet bowl (your house HAS TO HAVE AT LEAST 2 TOILET BOWLS OR IT WON’T WORK YOU IMBECILE!), you will be granted with wisdom that would make Confucius look like a kindergarten dropout.

- there will be no more lonely people. By tying a red ribbon on the handle of your bedroom door, you will be bestowed with an abundant of love from the people, animals and insects around you.

- there will be no more accidents on the road. By placing a big porcelain pig with no genitals on top of your vehicle’s dashboard, you will be blessed with an aura that could repel basically anything (including stray dogs & jaywalkers) within 10 ft radius around your vehicle.

- there will be no more deaths. By wearing a special yellow charm with some red colored scribblings, you will be able to operate heavy machinery wearing a pajama in your most intoxicated state without worry – because nothing can hurt you. You’ll be invincible.

- there will be no more stray opinions. By planting a pot of cactus inside your shoe rack, basically everyone will think Honda City is as good looking as a Cadillac… not like some flower horn fish. Nope.

Pleaaasse… fengshui masters out there, what are you waiting for?? Change the world already! Make the war stop, eradicate terrorism, cure cancer, make Michael Jackson black again, anything.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off
October 20, 2004

homer

There’s a guy in my office that looks like Homer Simpson. With a little bit of hair off his head and some yellow paint on his skin – WHAM ! You get a perfect replica of Homer.

Homer sits near a very busy walkway – which was how I noticed that the resemblance in the first place. I get to see his funny face a few times a day, everyday. Each time I walk past his cube, I would sneak a snigger or two whenever I got reminded of Homer Simpson.

But then, this guy has a cleaner reputation than the real Homer. Instead of being a complete paranoid and dumb fart, this guy is kinda suave and very much the introvert type. Looks friendly too. But that squeaky clean image changed utterly one day when I inadvertently caught him doing ‘something’.

I was walking back to my desk as usual that day, when I saw Homer’s head inside his cube from approximately 30ft away. His head was bobbing up and down, sort of doing something.

20ft, his face was fully visible, I could see that he was busy doing something. Full concentration.

10ft, I could see him sitting in an awkward pose on his chair. Still, in full concentration on whatever he was doing.

5ft, I saw him taking out one of his hands and took a long whiff, followed by an satisfactory expression on his face. I gasped in horror.

He immediately noticed my exasperation and quickly turned away in embarrassment.

Gawwwd ! What the fuck was he whiffing out from his hand? Had to be something gross! From my understanding, people only whiff their hands when

1) They touched something that was unknown to them, and decided to take a whiff to find out.

2) They dug/rubbed/excavated something off from their private parts, and whiffed at it for their own repulsive gratification.

From his expression after taking that whiff, I reckoned it was the latter. Bleargghh !

Lesson learnt : Be very careful of whom you shake your hands with…

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
October 19, 2004

honda city comments II

History : I posted a review about Honda City 20 years ago in my blog. In that post, I commented about its uncanny resemblance of the flowerhorn fish… and how I think its trunk is big enough to fit a few mother in laws.

A honda salesman dropped by and posted a comment to defend that flowerhorn fish car here.

Today, another Honda salesman came by and did the same thing – to refute my claim. What amazes me is, THE GUY MADE THE SAME RETARDED POINT ABOUT THE DARN CAR! You salesmen never learn, do you? Here’s his post, verbatim

harrypotterpride45t posted :
“I think u didnt like the City’s looks agreed but here everyone loves the City for it looks- sporty .

City is the hottest sellng car mind you

And for one-More you see the City -more you love it’s looks -It is not proportionate in a traditional sense but hey-its well merged curves look quite good and sporty + it’s lights are quite sophisticated

Forget it’s looks -May be controversial but its classy interiors are better than any other car of ts size and even bigger cars -So its more car per car

Plus Mileage -Very Low and great comfort for those who love their car’s interiors

Long looking cars are old fashioned dear friend its all about aerodynamics and merging lines and curves and city excels in this”

My reply to this Honda salesman.

Dear Honda salesman a.k.a Harry Potter (hahah… fuck… he should be concerned about magic brooms instead of cars). Thanks for commenting. I have a few comments about your post.

1) I have given up debating on Honda City’s looks. I’ve already said it clearly before – It’s a goddamn ugly car. Never mind the aerodynamics. Never mind the curves. This is the same as judging a girl – no matter how round the girl’s rack or how curvy her ass is, if she’s looking like a swine with leprosy – she WILL be labeled as UGLY.

2) Classy interiors? Very subjective my friend. I’ve seen better. Check out all Peugeots, Citroens or even Renaults’ interior. You’ll get what I mean. So, this point is invalid (baseless).

3) Comfort? If it was driven between 0 to 80kph – yes. But hell, all vehicles are suppose to be comfortable at that speed. Post 100, the stability decreases and wind noise apparent. Not very significantly impressive if you ask me. My car can do over 160 without feeling a slight vibration. Like I’ve stressed in my previous post, Honda City is a compact sedan. It has limited ability when it comes to speeeeeed.

4) Long looking car old fashion? Duuuuude. Please. Long front means there’s a monster engine inside the hood. Short back means a 2 seater/doors with no trunk room to store mother in laws (because the owners are mostly single). Sorry to disappoint you but, these kind of architectures still dominate the top end market… and they are the cars that still define one’s standard. (check out Mazda RX-8 for example)

5) The only thing good about Honda City is the fuel consumption – which I agree is damn impressive. But one could be paying more to maintain the CVT when it comes to wear and tear… so, LPPL.

6) Try to use punctuation marks next time. It really makes your sentence easier to read.

Damn, why do all Honda salesmen have problems with punctuation marks? Or could it be that ‘they’ are from the same person? Well, not that I care anyway.

michaelooi  | mails/posts  | Comments Off

animal science

My colleagues and I were chatting about some animal science this morning during our breakfast.

Elbee : “You know… there’s a type of poisonous giant lizard that dwells in some island near Australia…”

Me : “Oh I’ve heard of it… I don’t think it’s in Australia. If I’m not mistaken, it’s near some volcanic island in Indonesia.”

Pirate : “Yeah yeah. I heard that its drool contain some nasty bacteria that could kill any living organism they happen to bite”

Me : “That is one badass lizard. Damn, I can’t remember what it’s called… Ko something…”

Pirate : “Ko… Kodo… something… damn, I can’t remember either…”

Elbee : “Monitor lizard ?”

Me : “No… it starts with the letter K… Kodo… ”

Pirate : “Kodo…. Kodomo !”

Me : “Yeah… yeah… fuck… that’s it! Kodomo!”

I thought I got the word. But somehow, out of my addled mind, I could not control what I wanted to say. I wanted to say ‘Kodomo Dragon’, but my mouth uttered

Me : “KODOMO LION !”

Silence.

Pirate : “Hey, that didn’t sound right… Kodomo Lion’s a toothpaste, right?”

And we all laughed till black out. I just had a Freudian slip. I could only imagine how retarded I’d look jumping up and down in a jovial manner, while jabbering the corny kindergarten toothpaste brand name.

The lizard’s actually called ‘Komodo Dragon’ – a distant relative of my ex-boss Rob. They are super poisonous, extremely dangerous, love to play badminton and also a bunch of avid stamp collectors…

If you believed that, then seriously, you should use Kodomo Lion toothpaste. I’ll be a zoologist right now if I know shit about some exotic species of lizards. All I know about ‘Komodo Dragon’ is – it’s nastier than the nastiest mother in law, and it bites like a bitch. If you see any around, just get the hell out from the area as soon as possible. If you have a gun, shoot it before you run. (no, those insecticides, firecrackers, cream detergent, etc won’t work on this four legged behemoth cicak).

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off