October 25, 2004

parasites

Some of Emily’s weird friends.

*****

Name : Pear.
Profile : Is one of Emily’s best (and freakiest) friends. She’s an ok girl if it wasn’t for her stupidity. Looks? Well, let’s just say, she attracts weirdos more than anything else. I’ve blogged about her stupidity before, you be the judge.

History of vexation :
When I started dating Emily, Pear was the one who persistently harassed us. We couldn’t spend our time alone, because she would stalk us from behind and spy on us. I am not making this up. Sometimes, she would also scribble weird + horrible things on a piece of blank paper and slip it inside Emily’s textbook to freak her out — usually stuffs like “I’m watching you.” or sometimes “I have spiritually communicated with your dead mother, she said Michael sux”. Something like that.
For what? I wasn’t sure. I initially suspected she was homosexual and had a crush on Emily, but the theory was put to rest after she got into a relationship with a guy. (Her freakish acts is still a mystery till this day)

She is also one of Emily’s most annoying female friends. She speaks in a volume that’s hardly discernible from a mosquito hum/buzz/whatever. That usually isn’t a problem for me, until I discovered the fact that she’s also ‘phone freak’. You know what’s a ‘phone freak’? A phone freak’s a freak that loves to call people up on the phone, just to say something of least importance. Like calling up someone to ask “if she has seen a particular show on TV”. FUCK.

Alright, what has that got to do with me? I answer the phone all the time, you see, and I have hearing problems. And she speaks too softly. The result? You get a distraught guy (which is me…) slamming her up for good thinking it’s a prank call… and sometimes, yell her on the phone to speak louder. That’s how I got labeled by their sorority of bitches as “that fierce and savage husband”. Pukimak betuih ni….

– a lot more which I could not recall.

*****

Name : Ah Fah
Profile : Is one of Emily’s best friends too. She’s a little bit more intelligent than Pear, but less intelligent than a piece of rock. Looks? She looks like a normal girl next door with a rich harvest of zits.

History of vexation:
Actually, she isn’t much of a problem, until she moved here (Penang). The problem with her was, she’s a bit too dependent on others. In this case, us. How? Well, slap that question back to her – How could you move to Penang without a goddamn transport? Even school kids have their own transport. A transport in Penang is compulsory. Why? Because Penang has the worst public transport system and can’t be depended upon. As a result of that, Emily has to worry about her welfare and has to be her designated driver for following: job interviews (approximately 5 whole long days, with 2 days requiring off from work), looking for a place to rent (innumerable, because Ah Fah’s finicky about everything), shopping (a couple times with myself as the driver, and countless of times by Emily), dinners, lunches, etc etc.

What’s my problem? My wife, Emily, has to sacrifice her working time (and her leisure time) to be with her. It’s really hard for me to see my own wife being taken advantage of. Sometimes, Ah Fah’s so depending that she even calls up Emily to bring her to the fucking ATM! There’s one type of slug that has a very similar way gaining advantage of others for survival – leeches. If you don’t know what’s a leech, go find a nearest toilet bowl, put your head into it, and flush.

*****

Name : UglyHag
Profile : Is not Emily’s best friend. She’s acting as if she’s my wife’s best friend. Make no mistake, both of us don’t like her. Looks? She reminded me of a very plump piece of pancake.

History of vexation :
Talking with her is akin to talking to The Oracle in The Matrix. You know how frustrating is that – trying to act smart and condescending like that… but instead, full of bullshit. I do not know what’s her problem but I reckon that she must be thinking that she’s some kind of a saint, just because she’s a member of some Buddhist society.

She’s the type who would see a flower and cry a poem, talk to plants, animals, rocks, etc. A classic snob. When she flunked her accountancy exam, she would go around and mutilate animals. Alright, I made that up, but she did show some nasty face to us when she learned that Emily got better result than her and earned her professional certification earlier. Saint? My ass.

What’s my problem with her? I can’t stand her fallacy of goodwill. She had criticized way too much things about me and my stuffs behind my back. I don’t like her, period. I prefer knowing somebody honest, not some invertebrates like her.

*****

It’s not possible for me to list every single one of them here. It will probably corrupt the entire Blogger.com’s storage. Besides, it’s not really worth my time doing all that. My time can better be used for something more meaningful, like surfing for porns or stomping roaches.

*What triggered the angry post on 10/23 ?
Well, I had just finished washing my car when it suddenly rained on Saturday noon. Then Emily came back with Pear and Ah Fah from shopping. I was like – “what are they doing here?”. Emily told me they wanted to check out some of our photos. Alright, I didn’t give a damn about them, nothing could possibly go wrong.
But I was soooooo wrong.
Some of you intelligent ones would have guessed this – they asked me to fetch them home. After checking out some photos. Just like that. What’s my problem? I have just FUCKIGN WASHED MY BLACK COLORED CARRRRR !!!!!!! AND IT WAS RAINING OUT THERE !!!!!!!!! *tears rolling down my cheek* Is there still any justice out there ??? If yes, somebody please execute that 2 female amoebas!! ARRHHHHHHH !!!!
Aftermath : I had to re-wash my car. It was a very bad day for me.

michaelooi  | characters  | 

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