wind & water

I was thinking, if fengshui is so goddamn powerful and efficient, then

- there would be no more poor people in this world. By just placing a 20 bucks lopsided 3 legged frog on top of the right corner of your television, you will be successful in your career and strike at any 4D number you happen to bet on.

- there will be no more sick people. By wearing a festoon of special cheap plastic beads cum charm, you’ll be enjoying longevity like a turtle’s, in the pink of health. If you’re already in pink of health, then you’ll be blessed with a pair of Sophia Loren’s tits. If a guy, Stallone’s rock hard ass.

- there will be no more fat people. Obese people will just need to ensure that their bed is facing East during day time and west during night time. You’ll be as fit as the shape of a Japanese slipper and maintain that way no matter how much lard you consume.

- there will be no more stupid people. By planting a piece of sapphire colored crystal near your second toilet bowl (your house HAS GOT TO HAVE AT LEAST 2 TOILET BOWLS OR IT WON’T WORK YOU IMBECILE!), you will be granted with wisdom that would make Confucius look like a kindergarten dropout.

- there will be no more lonely people. By tying a red ribbon on the handle of your bedroom door, you will be bestowed with an abundant of love from the people, animals and insects around you.

- there will be no more accidents on the road. By placing a big porcelain pig with no genitals at the top of your vehicle’s dashboard, you will be blessed with an aura that could repel basically anything (including stray dogs & mother in laws) within 4.5 ft radius around your vehicle.

- there will be no more deaths. By wearing a special yellow charm with some red colored scribblings, you will be able to operate heavy machinery wearing a pajama in your most intoxicated state without worry - because nothing can hurt you. You’re invincible and immortal.

- there will be no more stray opinions. By planting a pot of cactus inside your shoe rack, basically everyone will think Honda City is as good looking as a Cadillac,…. not like flowerhorn fish at all. Nope.

Pleaaasse… fengshui masters out there, what are you waiting for ?? Change the world already ! Make the war stop, eradicate terrorism, cure cancer, make Michael Jackson black again, anything.