Archive for September, 2004

September 6, 2004

honda city comments

I posted a review about Honda City 20 years ago in my blog. Could not remember well what I had commented then, but if I’m not mistaken, I think I complained about its weird looks – that it looked like a flower horn fish… and its trunk too big to fit a few mother in laws.

Despite being posted quite a while ago, I still receive occasional comments from some stray visitors. But today, I received an interesting one. Probably from a Honda salesman or something. Here’s his post :

“It seems people are’nt simply ready to accept crisp , futuristc looks of the new honda city .If u call it ugly listen this -if u look at this car then any other car in this world would seem outdated and traditional. Now for me anything outdated is straightaway ugly.

new city represents just one thing-ie looks taking precedence over space utility and safety and function over form and if you dont agree this is the way of future!Long bonnets are useless -just make interiors cramped and difficult to manage-crisp sleek indeed very modern is the bonnet of new honda city .The new city’s tall profile indeed an suv type seating hieght matchless gives an aura of control on the road rather than the older city version which was hardly visible due to it’s extremely low hieght and belive me low slung absolutely suck-it is the interior comfort which is definitely more important than looks bcoz my dear friends you stay inside the car and not outside!Well almost all about looks -The city is definitely-crisp ,tall ,modern,sporty , flowing shape rather than bieng boxy (boxy means ugly and outdated) -those who like the city’s looks just love it my dear friend appreciate the modernism and forget about short front and long back”

I decided to reply him here because I think this is interesting enough. Here’s my reply to that Honda salesman.

Dear Honda salesman. Thanks for commenting. I have a few comments about your post.

1) You know why I think the new Honda City is ugly ? Because it’s really ugly. It’s too tall for a car of that size. It’s trunk is too damn big. It’s front is too short. It’s ugly, period. Never had I seen a car so ugly before. Heck, it’s so out of proportion, that you would mistakenly open the rear door thinking it’s the front. It’s the matter of opinion I guess.

2) Look at this car, and any other car would seem outdated and traditional ? Dude, please. We’re all grown ups. We don’t dig that kind of baseless shit, k ?

3) Appreciate modernism ? Forget about short front and long back ? Does that mean, people who drives a brand new Prelude .. or Mustang in the US … or the hot rod enthusiast that spent grands … are all conservative and anti modernism ? Low slung absolutely suck ? So ? Factory bus is the best vehicle out there I suppose ? Dude, do you have any idea what is “center of gravity” ? Control .. my friend, is directly proportional to how low your car is. The higher the car, the wider the wheel base it must have – and Honda City my friend, is a compact sedan. It’s main selling point is – cheap and economic. Control ? Low speed yes ler …

4) It’s interior comfort is mediocre. I’ve been inside the new Honda City. Impressive for a compact sedan, I must say. But I’ve seen better. And I have to disagree with you on the interior comfort is more important than anything else. The idea of an automobile in 21st century has changed. People want to look good in them. They want to be noticed. Look at those poor ah bengs and mat racings…. they desperately whore for attention by installing multicolored bulbs on their cars. All the glittering wheels, all the paint jobs. Translates to attention. If your car looks like a flowerhorn fish, no matter how comfy your cabin is – you’ll still feel out of place. And that’s a fact. If you’re really a car salesman, you should bear that in mind.

And dude, try to use punctuation marks next time. It really makes your sentence easier to read.

P/S: I bought a car that looked much better than Honda City a month after that review. It was designed by Pininfarina, came with everything City has to offer (‘cept the CVT gearbox of course)… and is much bigger and LONGER than City. Can do up to 180 kph without floating and no wind noise (City are known to have wind noise problem post 110 kph.) I paid for the same price. Her name is Lorraine.

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September 3, 2004

i don’t dig animal themed movies

There were at least 3 people asked me the same question today – “Have you seen Anaconda ?”. Holy fuck.

I don’t know what is wrong with these people. What makes them think I would be interested in watching that big rampaging snake ruining up people’s shit? We all know the anacondas dwell deep inside the dense Amazonian jungle. What makes me fail to understand is… why those Americans still love to travel from the civilization and expose themselves to all those dangers.

Anaconda’s are just pure lazy farts. They’re big and heavy… and that’s why they can’t really move very fast. The law of gravity. You can outrun an anaconda anytime without problem… well, unless you’re a fucking midget or a cripple. But then if you’re either one of them (midget or cripple), you shouldn’t be going to the Amazon jungle in the first place, right?

And another thing is, those big snakes can hoover a whole big-ass deer and last for a year, they normally do not hunt for excess food, what more to terrorize humans? They’re just plain harmless… I’ve seen a lot of them at my company’s smoking area – no shit – they would all run helter skelter when the boss shouts at them for hanging out too long.

Well, even if a giant snake happens to be wacky and dangerous, one could always hire a few Banglas clad with a stainless steel armor armed with a chainsaw. I bet no anaconda’s skin could match the sharp jagged teeth of a chainsaw. Or if you could not find any Bangla, just call up some Chinese restaurant chef, they’ll be glad to hunt and cut up the snake with a cleaver – to be cooked with herbal soup.

I’m just getting tired of these psychotic animal movies shit. Octopus, crocodiles, piranhas, snakes … damn, what next ? Are we gonna cover the entire animal kingdom ? Filmmakers nowadays really need some spanking to be creative. I seriously think they need to come up with something new, something other than animals…

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September 2, 2004

“Predator” (1987)

You know, when I first watched “Predator” many years ago, I thought it was another one-man-army action movie with Arnold Sch#$%^&* whooping everyone’s ass. It was the trend in the movies realm back then – to have a half naked muscular dude running around killing everyone for his country.

Actors with huge biceps and muscular tits suddenly became stars… and they all seemed to have weird names – Slyvester Stallone, Dolf Lundgren, Arnold Sch… ok … I give up. Let’s call him Arnie (yeah, I know, that sounds like a sissy. Blame it on his hard-to-spell real name).

And I have to admit this – I was pretty fascinated with this kind of movie as a kid. Fire and explosion used to be as arousing as lecherous women does to me now. So, when the movie “Predator” started screening in the cinema, I was kinda expected it to be that kind of genre — you know, Arnie mowing asses into carcasses and becomes a celebrated hero.

Halfway through the movie, the story took a strange turn. Something out of my expectation. Out of nowhere, an invisible dude appeared and started snatching Arnie’s tough ass buddies into the jungle. The unexpected villain stupefied me, as I had never before seen a villain who could go invisible and make Arnie look like a goddamn loser.

That was how, in my humble opinion, the movie captivated it’s viewer’s heart. It was full of surprises and never-before-seen special effects. And the biggest break of the movie was – to find out that the villain was a freaking alien that could camouflage itself to an almost invisible stage… and it was fucking ugly like my Form 3 Maths teacher. That was soooooo out of my expectation.

Albeit there weren’t any computer graphics during that era, the movie was magnificently produced… and the outcome was very breathtakingly awesome. Everything… from the makeup to the special effects, was a detailed masterpiece and the storyline’s a classic. (The kick of the movie actually lies in the surprises, and that’s what made it so special.)

So, what’s my point? Alien versus Predator. If you already knew what is going happen in the movie, would you still have that kind of thrill as the original? I don’t think so. The idea’s so lame. You know what would be interesting? Alien having sex with Predator – now that would be something OUT OF OUR EXPECTATIONS. The porn world will never be the same ever again.

That’s why, I chose not to watch the new AVP movie. You guys let me know if it’s good after watching it.

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September 1, 2004

jude the horrible

Today, while I was preparing to go home, I suddenly felt something very wrong. I felt as if someone was peeking at me. Then, at that very corner of my eyes, I noticed a big object …

I then took the extra effort to look up to see what exactly was that. Lo and behold… it was Jude’s big face. She was peering over my cube with an expressionless stare, which scared the daylights out of me.

I asked her “What ?”. She sniggered and went back to her own cube. Nia seng. She was peering at me like she was visiting some kind of animal inside a zoo. And I swear, I had the feeling that she was enjoying herself seeing me freaked out like that. What a despicable act …

I was thinking of finding some way to counter her in future. Maybe I could collect some boogers from my nose and lay them along the borderline of my cube… so that whenever she tries to peer over… I can react by blowing the dried boogers towards her direction and hopefully lands inside her blouse or into her bra… or something like that.

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the poo story

I used to have a grand-aunt who lived next door. If you do not know what a “grand-aunt” is, well, it’s a contraption that yaks non stop and walks on two legs. No… it’s my grandma’s sister, silly.

My grand-aunt, was a typical gripe machine. Anything that went into her brain, would come out a hundred times more vulgar from her mouth. She was cruel and would not hesitate to spill anyone’s secrets. It was needless to say, a bit dangerous to live near someone as sinister as her. Never ever let her found out that you’re trying to hook some girls up at home – it would definitely end up as national news the next day.

Needless to say, I was too smart to be affected by her wickedness and had very little issues with her at all. Instead, I managed to make myself one of her favorite grand-nephew. Hell, if you couldn’t beat the devil, why not join it’s league and have some fun ? And because of that, I always got to hear lots of gossips from my grand-aunt (let’s address her as GA for convenience’s sake).

One of the best ones I can remember was about an indignity of a lady tenant that rented one of GA’s vacant room. The tenant’s name was Hing. Was a vile looking creature in her 30’s …as skinny as a malnourished caribou and worked as a clerk or something. If there were to be a female version of Freddy Krueger, no fucking doubt, she would be the perfect candidate.

Her wretched looks aside, she was quite a demure person. Doesn’t talk much and doesn’t have a boyfriend (no surprise .. dude). My mom always commented that if it wasn’t her look, she would be an ok person. But I doubted that, as I always felt that there was something wrong about this lady.

Alright, one day, GA’s toilet suddenly clogged itself up. Flushing the bowl would cause the waste water to overflow and spread the brown chunkies all over the toilet floor. It was a situation that required professional fixing. So, GA pre-alerted Hing that the toilet will be out for a few days (or until it was fixed), and was asked to purge her bodily waste at work or somewhere else.

Fine, it was a message heeded well. In fact, too well. She actually took the ‘somewhere else’ advice too literally. Somehow, Hing had a sudden urge to defecate when she was taking her bath that day… and made a very absurd decision. Instead of holding her shit, she actually spouted her elongated fat piece of long poo into the narrow drain hole. Then she tried to jam it down the drain pipe by spraying a jet blast of pipe water into the hole. Thinking that her poo will delve it’s way through the pipe into the septic tank (a tank in older homes that deposits sewage water for purification. Usually located outside the compound), Hing settled off her bath as if nothing happened.

But she was wrong. Her pieces of solid shit got stuck somewhere in the middle of the pipe and sort of partially flooded the bathroom floor (which she did not realize). Then, the matter got worst – it suddenly rained very hard and the rain water began to seep into the septic tank. It caused a backward pressure into the bathroom and pushed all the motherfucks of Hing’s poo out from the narrow drain hole.

Coincidentally, that was also the moment GA came into the bathroom to fetch some stuffs, when she saw some unidentified floating objects inside the flooded bathroom floor (surprisingly, Hing had a floatable shit that day). Needless to say, GA freaked out as she thought those were some sort of mutated critters crawling out from the drain hole. The old lady almost squealed in terror when she decided to take a closer look with her short sighted eyes.

When they appeared to look harmless enough, she gained some confidence to investigate by poking those little pieces of brown floating turds with a toilet brush. It was tough at first (as GA described), but eventually, it broke up into pieces after she applied more force. That was when those turds began to emanate the locked stench of death from inside the hardened outer structure … which almost choked the poor old lady into comatose.

GA then screamed at Hing to explain about those floating shits. Ironically, Hing confessed everything and relived the entire episode of sadistic poo plopping event. That was how GA found out what exactly Hing did… and retold her tenant’s misadventures to the entire neighborhood.

And who would have thought, that this poo story would someday end up on the net… on my blog.

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