Archive for September, 2004

September 13, 2004

blood test experience

I was forced to go for a blood test on Saturday morning. Emily made me do it. I tried my very best to get myself out of it but any effort was futile.

Now, what makes me so reluctant with the idea of going for a blood test?

1) It was a Saturday morning. I usually sleep late on Saturday mornings. I would not leave my bed even if there’s a fire.
2) I hate getting poked at. Especially with sharp objects.
3) I was fucking lazy that day (and most of the time)

It wasn’t a clinic that we’re visiting for the blood test that morning. It was a lab that was located in one of the busiest district in Penang. Looking for a place to park there was as hard as looking for Osama in the Afghan mountains. I almost made a detour back home when a parking spot suddenly appeared out of nowhere – and was forced to abandon that intention and went ahead with the blood test plan.

The lab looked more like a shop than a real lab. There were already a big crowd waiting there, and I was surprised to see that 90% of them were senior citizens. Wasn’t a very comfortable thought for me. Everyone was looking at both of us as if we’re there rob the blood bank or something.

Fast forward 5 minutes later – after all those registration processes – a douche bag at the counter gave me a small plastic container, which initially, I wasn’t exactly sure what was it for. So I slapped her a curious question :

“Err, may I ask what’s this container for?”
“That’s for your urine.”
“I thought I’m getting a blood test?”
“Oh, yeah, we’ll need both your blood and urine. Just fill half of that container up and drop into the blue basket inside”

Emily flashed me an “oh-you’re-so-dumb” smile and off I went into the washroom. I was a bit worried if I had enough piss left inside my bladder – because I was sure that I had drained everything off before I left home that morning. I whipped out my dick nevertheless, and put the container right below it. I waited for 10 seconds, nothing came out. And then I waited longer, then all of a sudden, the beast down there jetted a torrent of urine into the container. It came quite suddenly, and it created a back draft so strong that it kind of spilled some of the piss out of the container – all over the toilet floor and the side of the container.

Luckily, my reflex was good enough to avert those little droplets of golden water from contaminating my pants. But it was short lived, for I was hogged by another problem. By the time I realized that the hag only needed half the container, I was already holding a 3/4 full container – with my lizard still showing no signs of stopping. The fill rate was going too fast and I have only a couple of seconds to react before the piss started to trickle down my trembling hand. With a hand holding the almost full container, and another gripping the neck of the menacing serpent, I had to quickly (but skillfully) shift the shooting jet of piss into the toilet bowl. It was a difficult maneuver (as one wrong move could wet my pants, topple the container, maybe even causes me to slip and fall head-first into the toilet bowl)… but it went through without any unwanted incident.

I got a container full of piss for the old hag, though she may need only half, I’d let her keep the remaining half as souvenir.

I then went out to the waiting room. Fast forward another 5 minutes of waiting later, a sweet young nurse with a nice rack called out my name and I went over to a partitioned area. Needless to say, it was a nervous situation for me as she asked me questions like “have you given that old hag your piss?”, “did you eat anything this morning?”, shits like that. Then she tied a tourniquet around my right arm and started to scour for my vein (to poke a syringe into it to drain out some blood sample).

She looked for a whole minute, but couldn’t find it. I jokingly told her I left it at home – which she retardedly giggled with a snort. Then she asked for my left arm and spent another whole minute looking for it. I told her I didn’t have a vein. She said my vein was probably slanted and harder to find. I told her to keep looking and fucking concentrate bitch. Ok, I made that up. I told her I didn’t have a vein and she was wrong. She kept looking… and switched again to my right arm.

It went on for a whole minute, and I was kinda passing time admiring her rack. It was nice. But before I get to compliment it to her, she told me she had found my vein. I asked her if she was sure that was a vein she found? She nodded with a giggle, and without uttering another word, she briskly jabbed the syringe under the skin of my forearm – directly into my hidden vein. Blood started to fill up the lower part of the syringe and she started to draw more of it from my arm.

The sight of blood aggravated me and caused my arm to go out of control. I started to flail my left arm onto nurse’s face and knocked her out cold. Then, I jumped up onto the registration counter and started terrorizing every single old people inside the room – which some of them scared black out and some dived out through the glass door. It was madness that ruled over me and I later ate back the syringe that was containing my blood. Arrghh

Alright, alright, that previous paragraph was just some comical release from my office pressures. It didn’t actually happen (if it wasn’t that obvious to some of you). The nurse drew a syringe-ful of blood from me and asked me to come back again in 4 days. After waited for Emily’s turn, we left the place for a good meal of dim sum and had a great Saturday morning.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
September 12, 2004

how to disable your car alarm

Damn it, Proton cars really suck. And when it is driven by some really stupid people, the combination can be disastrous. It happened again this morning. That was the 200 millionth time that I have been crudely awakened from my deep slumber by a wailing Proton car alarm. It seems that those inferior Proton alarms are built more for other reasons like waking the neighbors up, than for its original security purpose.

After the wailing went on for like 20 minutes without stop, I decided to check out which fucking car that was causing all the commotion. It was a Proton Wira – with a KL registration number. There was a middle aged dude standing like a stump in front of his opened car hood. Obviously, he was clueless on what he should do next to shut his goddamn car down. He was probably a fucking clerk or something that knew no shit about car alarms.

Moron! If you’re a clerk, and knows nothing about cars (neither do I..), let me tell you this – opening its hood would not solve any problem! And standing in front of your car doing nothing wouldn’t do any good either… you stupid fuck!

Here’s what you can do to stop a wailing car alarm (especially you Proton car owners out there)

1) Get an axe, sledgehammer, pickaxe, or any tool of equivalent hammering power. Open up your stupid wailing car’s hood. Wreck everything in sight – especially near the battery part. Don’t stop till it goes silent. Once became silent, call your mechanic over to repair the car.
If you don’t know where the battery is, just swallow the tool you’re holding and die. (the key idea is to cut off the power source to the fucking alarm. Wrecking the battery would do a perfect job)

2) Get yourself something flammable. Gasoline or kerosene, should be fine. Then find yourself a stack of used newspapers. Open up your stupid wailing car’s hood. Then douse those stack of old newspapers with the flammable liquid and stuff all of them into your engine compartment. As much as you can. Light up a match or lighter (careful not to burn your hands), and burn the stuffed newspapers. Your car should light up and probably explode. Bail the place to a safe distance immediate after lighting up the newspapers. Watch and wait till alarm goes silent. Call police and fire marshall. (idea is to destroy the electronic circuit board that screwed the alarm system).

3) Push your car to a nearby mechanic shop. If it’s Sunday and all workshops are closed, just find any reservoir, lakes, ponds or sea nearby. Find a ledge that could directly lead into the water. Position your car facing the ledge. Then push it off the ledge, into the water. Watch and observe. (idea is to suppress the noise from pissing off your neighbors and be more considerate).

Well if you’re a type that believes in prevention, the best idea is to disable your car alarm. Proton cars need no alarms, as alarms won’t fucking make any difference for your car security. They’ll get stolen anyway – with or without alarm. Why? Because all your neighbors are likely so pissed with your erratic alarms – and they’ll instead feel glad if your car get stolen.

The middle aged dude finally hushed his car down by disconnecting the cables to his car battery terminals. It took him 30 fucking minutes to figure out the solution. Idiot.

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off
September 11, 2004

the koala conspiracy

I am still deciding on how to clear my excessive annual leaves. There’s no fucking way that I’m gonna waste those days staying at home watching documentaries of animal living their everyday life. That’s just plain boring.

I plan to revisit Hong Kong, because I think I have not achieved enough photography satisfaction of that scenic place… but Emily disagreed. She said it would be stupid to vacation at the same place more than once. Instead, she suggested Thailand – which, I disagreed in turn. There are plenty of social unrest there as of recent. You’ll never know when you would get yourself raped by a bomb.

We debated with each other for weeks now – on where to go. We had another one today

Emily : “Dear, why don’t we consider Perth instead? It’s quite affordable…”

Me : “Perth? There is nothing there I heard. It’s just a small city. Like Taiping. Might as well go Taiping. There’s a stinking zoo there”

Emily : “We get to see kangaroos and koala bears there… it’s gonna be fun”

Me : “Koala bear? You want to see koala bear?”

Emily : “Koala bears rock !”

Me : “If you want to see a koala bear, just go down our apartment unit to the parking lot. There’s one there. And it’s green in color.”

Emily : “Huh ?”

Me : “That Kia Picanto – it looked exactly like a fucking koala bear..”

Emily : [opens mouth and … BLASSSSSSTTT !!]

Looks like it’ll be some time before we’ll eventually agree on where to spend our vacation…

P/S: If you’re short, rotund, cute and retarded, buy yourself a Kia Picanto. It will suit your character.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off
September 9, 2004

the plague

Speaking of boobies – I do not know why we guys are so crazy about boobies. I mean, aren’t they just a couple lumps of fat tissue growing out of a human chest? Well, if they were to grow anywhere else than the chest area, these big pieces of… tissue…. would have gone under the knife and categorized as ‘a ridiculously piece big tumor’. No shit.

What kind of sick magic that caused us males to fall under this deep and foul spell for so many thousands of years? Scientifically, we do not need to knead tits to fuck… right? Look at other mammals, they don’t stroke their partner’s mammary glands to help them to have sex. They just shove it in and reproduce. We humans don’t do that. We’re like a deviation from the laws of nature.

The sight of it alone could induce increased heartbeat, metabolism rate and body temperature. On some known cases, it could even induce an uncontrollable saliva overflow and spasmodic seizure of the male organ – depending on level of sight exposure. It’s damn spooky I tell you.

I wonder what could be the scientific explanation behind this. Could those bags of fat tissue contain some kind of biological transmitter that broadcasts some airborne electrical impulses that stimulates the male’s brainwave – instigating it to become excited or aroused? Or is this simply some kind of voodoo magic? Are the aliens behind this? We don’t fucking know.

But what I know is, this plague seems to be getting worst. Especially in the 21st century, where plastic surgeons started to become very adept in transforming flat chested women into Playboy centerfold equivalent goddesses. And with the technology getting more advanced each day, in no time, getting a boob enlargement process would no longer require a surgeon anymore. It would probably be available in every small medical facilities – government hospitals, clinics, or maybe some side deal in a dental clinic. Imagine this:

dentist : “Well, 50 bucks to remove that ailing tooth. But I’m gonna give you a good discount for enlarging your boobs – 100 bucks for everything.”

Or even more extreme, in some Chinese pharmacy as well.

sinseh : “Boobs enlargement? How big? That would be 10 bucks please. Remember not to take cold drinks for 10 days after that”

Or perhaps some coin operated boob enlargement machine inside a grocery store – just insert both boobs into 2 designated slots and customize size accordingly.

Goddamn.

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
September 8, 2004

accidental peep

My old family house was situated on a piece of small land. Hell it was so cramped that my neighbor’s backyard was only inches away from our front yard. Separated by only a small fence. A tip of the toe, and I could see FatMary flailing her corpulent tits under that 24-7 stinking nightgown which she seemed to wear day and night. Yep, if you can remember FatMary and her mongoloid dog Barney that gave me my teenhood trauma.

For some reason, my neighbor FatMary seemed to dislike wearing a bra when walking around outside at the compound, and boy did she love bending down to scrub her backyard floor, which was directly in front of my family house. Whenever I was out there washing my motorcycle, she would inadvertently flash her tits by bending the fuck down. I tried not to look at that tramp, but then, there were a few times which I accidentally saw her fat tits. They were saggy and disgusting – almost made me barf my spleen out. I guess that was why her dog had such a damaged brain.

One day, I was going out with my mom and noticed someone scrubbing the backyard floor over the fence. Oh shit – must be FatMary flashing her disgusting tits again, I thought. I quickened my pace to get out of there as soon as possible. Then suddenly, a chirpy voice greeted my mom from over the fence. It was not FatMary’s voice. It was another lady in her late 20’s with a slim figure and fair skin. She looked kind of alright and had a white loose spaghetti top – and like FatMary, she didn’t have her bra on. I was like, stunned of course, as she was still in her crouched scrubbing position when she made the friendly attempt to start a conversation with my mom. My eyes were locked on that hot spot of downblouse, looking at her large titties hanging loose.

Being a 16 year old, that downblouse view was like an unexpected stash of 10 ringgit bills lying on a public walkway for me. I scanned every detail of her tits on display – and managed to find out the following :

1) her tits were fucking big and awesome
2) her nipples were fair and pinkish
3) there were freckles on her tits
4) her tits were fucking big and awesome
5) *did I mentioned that her tits were fucking big and awesome ?*

Of course, I was doing it in such a stealthy way that she wasn’t even aware of me and my hormones. I had a good long look and was overheating.

Then, when the conversation was over, I continued my journey out with my mom into a relative’s car. My cousin was in it. As I was about to relate that unbelievable experience to him… my cousin suddenly exclaimed:

cousin : “Dude! Hold on there! There’s a strand of white colored hair growing out from your neck!”

me : “What the fuck? A strand of white hair you said? Growing out from my NECK??”

cousin : “Yeah man .. here, lemme pull it out for you …”

And my cousin indeed pulled out a strand of whitish hair out from my neck.

me : “Damn… this is so bizarre!”

My mom overheard the entire conversation of course, and interjected,

mom : “That’s a pervert hair that grew out from your neck”

me : [confused] “Huh ?”

mom : “Yeah… from ogling too much at titties. You think I didn’t notice?”

She was referring to the tits ogling incident,

me : “Errr… hehehh… that was a free display mom, and I wasn’t even trying to look…”

mom : “Please, if you could check out your own eyeballs at that moment… But then, I must admit that she has got a pair of great looking tits. I was kinda admiring them myself too…”

Me and my mom then cackled like hyenas – which stupefied my cousin and his mom.

Lesson learnt: Don’t even try to do something that you think could fool your own mom. It will never work.

*PS: That lady turned out to be FatMary’s younger sister who came back for holidays from Australia. Strangely, both of them seem to love scrubbing their backyard floor without wearing a bra. I wonder why.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off