I do not know what is wrong with the commuters today. Everyone seems to be too stoned to either drive or ride. During my course to work this morning, I have met with a few close shave from getting an accident. Cars mysteriously swaying into my lane without warning, trucks storming out of a junction, kapcais swarming the entire lane, bicycles spontaneously crossing the road, etc.

They all seemed to be plagued with some kind of spell that retards the brain - you know, which affects their eye-hand coordination and poor judgement of handling their vehicles. For the first time in my life, I felt that the entire state was conspiring against me. Universe evolving around me, that kind of shit.

What had gone wrong ? What is the problem with the people today ? What have I done differently that I’m not affected as well ? Are the aliens behind this ? Damn this is so disturbing.

If I really got cornered till I went nuts one day, I would make sure myself is sane enough to operate a big truck. Then I will go on a road rage and mow down every single living organism that commutes on the road. Somebody ought to show them some lesson to drive/ride considerately.

My blood test result is out. I was diagnosed with a terminal stage of “Credit Card Deficiency Syndrome” (CCDS) and “Extreme Low Level of Monthly Allowances” (ELLMA).

Both which are pointing that I need to buy less stuffs and learn how to be frugal.

Damn, told ya blood tests suck. Fuck blood tests.

This morning, when I was doing some investigation work, I suddenly had the urge to pee. I quickly dropped whatever I was doing and rushed in haste to the nearby restroom - which was located approximately 10 meters away from my lab.

Upon reaching the restroom’s entrance, I stumbled into a sign, which indicated that there’s an overweight middle age Indian lady inside the toilet… waiting to molest any guy who goes in next. Alright, it’s the janitor’s sign - the toilet’s closed for maintenance. She needed all the privacy to clean up everyone’s shit.

That puts me in a really difficult situation. From my understanding, the next nearest toilet was also closed for renovation - which only left me with one option, that was to use the office toilet which was located far away from the spot I’m standing. The journey would be so ridiculously long, that it’s akin to making a pilgrimage to China from Europe through the Silk Route. On foot.

Without wasting anymore precious time, I skated to that faraway toilet, with each of my steps getting faster as seconds tick by. Meters became miles, and the journey seems to last forever. Goddamn. As I progressed halfway, I suddenly happened to notice that the second toilet (which was suppose to be closed for renovation) was actually back in operation with it’s door wide open.

It was such a relieving sight for me and I quickly stormed into that restroom’s direction. Hell, my bladder had a pressure built up in such a terminal stage, that I wasted no time and already unzipped my fly right before entering the restroom. It was a life threatening situation.

Alright, picture this in slow motion - me running inch by inch closer to the restroom entrance, with my hands slowly zipping down my barn door. First thing I saw was a dummy wall, which triggered me to make a tragic turn to avoid hitting the wall. By that time, I was about to whip out my monster and was ready to gush down anything I can find. After that sharp turn, suddenly …. a Malay girl with a headscarf came into sight …. standing in front of a mirror - adjusting her loose T-shirt, bra or something. It was a split second observation and I didn’t register much detail. I quickly pulled an emergency brake to avoid hitting at the girl head on. I skidded for about half a feet, almost sled down and fell back flat on my back.

Luckily, I managed to maintain my balance and didn’t struck the girl, else it would have been catastrophic. I took a quick U-turn abandoning the cursed restroom before the girl started to scream or something. (imagine yourself as the girl, seeing a guy storming into the toilet with his zipper down). While on my way out, I took notice of the door sign …. indeed, it has been changed to a Ladies sign. Apparently, that’s what the renovation was all about.

As I was running out from that toilet, I cussed out loudly while zipping my pants. Could you imagine what would have happened if there happens to be more than 1 girl inside the restroom ? I would have been mauled and ripped apart by those cannibals !

Damn. That used to be my favorite restroom and now it’s gone. What next ? Taking over our meeting rooms and turn it to more Ladies room ? I wondered why the hell would those girls need so many restrooms for. Not that they know how to keep clean. In fact, they’re much more filthier and gross than us guys. Ask the janitors for details.

So, what happened after that ? I had to race to the pilgrimage toilet inside the office. I swear if the place were to be located any further, I would have wet my pants. No shit.

It was a hectic morning today. I have to investigate stuffs, prepare reports, attend meetings, ogle at girls and think of what to blog. Goddamn. I was so busy, that I don’t even have time to spare for internet surfing !

Well, one of my itinerary for the morning was to arrange for a shipment to USA. And for that, I’ll have to liaise with Kotex … if you can still remember her - she’s the pigeon girl that I have blogged about many months ago. Was suppose to get a form from her, for some paperwork shits.

I tried in vain to call her up at her desk, but nobody answered. Saw her MSN Messenger status was set to “Away”, so, I kinda decided to continue with my other chores until she comes back. I was at it until about 10am, when I saw her came back online. Tired of calling, I decided to send a test message to her :

me : kotex

No respond. Is she dead or what ? 5 minutes later, I messaged again to confirm (if she’s really dead).

me : are you at your desk ??

Waited for a whole 1 minute and she finally replied.

kotex : hi,

Damn. What the fuck, I’m asking her if she’s at her desk and she replied “hi”. That’s not very appropriate, isn’t it ? You don’t say “hi” when people ask you questions. They won’t sound right no matter what. Anyway, I dived straight to the point in my next message :

me : hi ?? cheebye you filthy slut with syphilis. I’d rather fuck a truck than having sex with you. Begone ! Scum

Kidding. I normally sounded more diplomatic when it comes to work. Here’s what I actually sent :

me : i am heading your way ,.

kotex : ok

And I went on ahead to state my intentions - to avoid any misunderstanding that I’m heading there to bone her at her desk

me : need 1 fedex form

kotex : k

Her reply sounded very obtuse and spastic. Being a curious guy I am, I sent another message to verify if her intellectual really was limited to just only 1 word….

me : prepare for a grand arrival

kotex : sure, welcome

Alright, it’s 2 words. Max.

When I arrived at her place, she was standing beside her office cube with a Federal Express form, waiting for me - with her awkward posture even more awkwarder (if there’s such word). And that, my friend, was suppose to be her “grand arrival”. I almost lost my appetite for lunch.

Lesson learnt : None. Get back to work.

I was at this really big DVD outlet with Emily on Saturday evening - selecting a few favorite titles to kill off our boring Sunday - when suddenly, all the lights went out. It was pitch dark at the corner we’re standing and I could hear some paranoid middle aged housewives screaming and squealing…. as if they’ve seen something really freaky…. like Freddy Krueger head banging with a wig on GreenDay’s Basket Case trash guitars. Emily took a grasp of my hand and squeezed really hard - which indirectly hinted me that she’s very freaked out.

I initially thought it was just a blackout… but apparently, it wasn’t. There were still lights from outside the outlet. It couldn’t have been a blackout - I thought. There were approximately over 50 patrons inside that outlet, and everyone was confused on what’s happening (except a few of the afore mentioned housewives, who’s still screaming like some 5 year old sissy kids).

Like the rest, I was also clueless until I saw a few of the DVD shop operators skedaddled towards the entrance and started to pull down the sliding vertical door frantically. There were approximately 8 to 10 doors (it’s a big ass outlet, almost like a warehouse) and they were shutting their outlet down real quick.

At that moment, I began to realize what’s going on. Without further procrastination, I quickly dumped the DVD’s I’m holding and dragged Emily out from the shop - along with the rest of the fleeing patrons. When we reached outside the outlet onto the mall walkway, a thunderous noise of doors being slide down simultaneously can be heard … and all of them were DVD outlets. And if you’ve already guessed what it was, yes, that’s right - it’s a DVD raid.

Needless to say, that was an exhilarating sight. From my candid observation, I reckoned that there must have at least been 4 world records straight that night …

1) The most pirated DVD outlet closing down for business simultaneously at the same time.
2) The most people throng out from pirated DVD outlets onto a mall walkway, all simultaneously, at the same time.
3) The fastest evacuation from pirated DVD outlets inside a mall, all simultaneously, at the same time.
4) The most housewives screaming in terror inside pirated DVD outlets like real pirates inside a mall, all simultaneously, at the same time.

Apart from witnessing the multiple world records, I also happened to saw a white guy holding a big stack of pirated DVDs, insisting to buy them up before leaving. From what I observed, the white guy must have selected those DVDs for hours, and couldn’t dig the fact that he’ll have to bail the place with an empty hand. The DVD guy shoo-ed him away and the white dude kept pleading the DVD guy to let him have the movies. Goddamn, I thought only Singaporeans does that.

So, what’s with these pirated DVDs ? Well, in Penang, it’s still a very common thing. Not much raid around, and pirated DVDs can be basically found almost everywhere. With the exceptionally cheap price, it’s no surprise that they have become a daily necessity. And with the wonder of cellular phones, these pirates are almost impossible to eradicate - just like what happened in that mall on Saturday.

And also, I’m not ashamed to admit - that I support pirated DVDs. Why ? Like I’ve previously blogged before, actually pirated DVDs in Malaysia are more ‘original’ from the authentic ones.

“How come ?” one may ask. Well, in Malaysia, we have this censorship board that are paranoid to almost everything. They have this conservative perception that Malaysian youths are very docile, and are easily influenced by foreign ideologies. For eg. they believed that watching a kiss scene in movie could cause a person turn into sadistic sex motivated serial killer…

Hence, films in our cinemas and authentic DVDs are all censored. We don’t get to see tits, fucks and kisses. Ass creaming scenes will be censored off and if there’s anything pertaining religious topics, the movie will be banned from entering Malaysia. That left us Malaysians with no choice but to resort to pirated movies. Simple reasons that some people fail to understand.

Long live pirated DVDs.

P/S: I only support pirated DVD movies and games, but I always buy original music. This is due to my respect for the work of wonderful music that has sculptured the world culture. I would have supported original movie DVDs if it’s not for the censors.