Archive for September, 2004

September 18, 2004

blood test result

My blood test result was already out. I was diagnosed with a terminal stage of “Credit Card Deficiency Syndrome” (CCDS) and “Extreme Low Level of Monthly Allowances” (ELLMA).

Both which are pointing that I need to buy less stuffs and learn how to be frugal.

Damn, told ya blood tests suck. Fuck blood tests.

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September 17, 2004

restroom disaster

This morning, when I was doing some investigation work, I suddenly had the urge to pee. I quickly dropped whatever I was doing and rushed in haste to the nearby restroom – which was located approximately 10 meters away from my lab.

Upon reaching the restroom entrance, I stumbled into a sign, which indicated that there’s an overweight middle age Indian lady inside the toilet… waiting to molest any guy who goes in next. Alright, it was the janitor’s sign board – the toilet’s closed for maintenance. She needed all the privacy to clean up everyone’s shit.

That put me in a really difficult situation. From my understanding, the nearest toilet was also closed for renovation – which only left me with one option, that was to use the office toilet which was located far away from the spot I was standing. The journey would be so ridiculously long, that it’s akin to making a pilgrimage to China from Europe through the Silk Route. On foot.

Without wasting anymore precious time, I skated to that faraway toilet, with each of my steps getting faster as seconds ticked by. Meters became miles, and the journey seemed like eternity. Goddamn. Halfway through the journey, I noticed that the second toilet (which was suppose to be closed for renovation) was actually back in operation with it’s door was wide open.

It was such a relieving sight for me and I quickly stormed into that restroom instead. Hell, my bladder had a pressure built up in such a terminal stage, that I wasted no time and already unzipped my fly right before entering the restroom. It was a life threatening situation.

Alright, picture this in slow motion – me running inch by inch closer to the restroom entrance, with my hands slowly zipping down my barn door. By the time I was inside the restroom, I was about halfway of pulling down my underpants and was getting ready to whip out the big bird. Then suddenly… I came head on with a Malay girl, she was standing in front of the mirror – adjusting her loose T-shirt, bra or something. It was a split second observation and I didn’t register much detail. I quickly pulled an emergency brake to avoid hitting the girl head on. I skidded for about half a feet, almost slid down and fell back flat on my back.

Luckily, I managed to maintain my balance and didn’t struck the girl, else it would have been catastrophic. I took a quick U-turn abandoning the cursed restroom before the girl started to scream or something. (imagine yourself as the girl, seeing a guy storming into the toilet with his zipper down). While on my way out, I took notice of the door sign …. indeed, it had been changed into a ‘Ladies’ room. Apparently, that was what the renovation is about.

As I was running out from that toilet, I cussed out loudly while zipping my pants. Could you imagine what would have happened if there were to be more than 1 girl inside the restroom? I would have been mauled and ripped apart by those cannibals !

Damn. That used to be my favorite restroom and now it’s gone. What next? Taking over our meeting rooms and turn it to more ‘Ladies’ room? I wonder why the hell do girls need so many restrooms for. Not that they know how to keep clean. In fact, they’re filthier and gross than us guys. Ask the janitors for details.

So, what happened after that ? I had to race to the faraway toilet inside the office. I swear if the place were to be located any further, I would have wet my pants. No shit.

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September 16, 2004

looking for kotex

It was a hectic morning today. I had to investigate stuffs, prepare reports, attend meetings, ogle at girls and think of what to blog. Goddamn. I was so busy, that I didn’t even have the time to spare for internet surfing!

Well, one of my itinerary in the morning was to arrange for a shipment to USA. And for that, I’ll have to liaise with Kotex… if you can still remember her – she was the pigeon girl that I had blogged about many months ago. I was supposed to get a form from her, for some paperwork shits. But she wasn’t around.

I tried in vain to call her up at her desk, but nobody answered. Saw her instant messenger status set to “Away”, so, I kinda decided to continue with my other chores until she comes back. I was at it until about 10am, when I saw her status changed to ‘online’. Tired of calling, I decided to send a test message to her :

Me : kotex…

No respond. 5 minutes later, I messaged again.

Me : are you at your desk ??

Waited for a whole 1 minute and she finally replied.

Kotex : hi,

Damn. What the fuck, I asked her if she was at her desk and she replied a “hi”. You don’t say “hi” when people ask you questions. I dived straight to the point in my next message :

Me : hi ?? cheebye you filthy slut with syphilis. I’d rather fuck a truck than having sex with you! Scum

Kidding. I normally am more diplomatic when it comes to work. Here’s what I replied (for real):

Me : i am heading to your place ,.

Kotex : ok

And I went on ahead to state my intentions – to avoid any misunderstanding that I’m going to her place to have sex or something like that

Me : need 1 fedex form

Kotex : k

I sent another message to verify if she was only intellectually capable of giving a single word reply….

Me : prepare for a grand arrival

Kotex : sure, welcome

Alright, it’s 2 words. Max.

When I arrived at her place, she was standing beside her office cube with a Federal Express form, waiting for me – with her awkward posture even more awkwarder (if there’s such word). And that, my friend, was suppose to be her “grand arrival”. I almost lost my appetite for lunch.

Lesson learnt : None. Get back to work.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off
September 15, 2004

some happenings in the mall

I was at this really big DVD outlet with Emily on Saturday evening – selecting a few favorite titles to kill off our boring Sunday – when suddenly, all the lights went out. It was pitch dark at the corner we’re standing and I could hear some paranoid middle aged housewives screaming and squealing… as if they’ve seen something really freaky. Emily grabbed my hand and squeezed really hard – she was freaking out.

I initially thought it was just a blackout… but apparently, it wasn’t. There were still lights from outside the outlet. It couldn’t have been a blackout – I thought. There were approximately over 50 patrons inside that outlet, and everyone was confused on what was happening (except a few of the afore mentioned housewives, who were still screaming like some 5 year old sissy kids).

Like the rest, I was also clueless until I saw a few of the DVD shop operators skedaddled towards the entrance and started to pull down the sliding vertical door frantically. There were approximately 8 to 10 doors (it was a big ass outlet, almost like a warehouse) and they were shutting their outlet down in flash speed.

At that moment, I started to realize what was going on. Without further procrastination, I quickly dumped the DVD’s I was holding and dragged Emily out from the shop – along with the rest of the fleeing patrons. When we reached outside the outlet onto the mall corridor, a thunderous noise of doors simultaneously being slid down could be heard across the mall… and all of them were DVD outlets. And if you’ve already guessed what it was, yes, that’s right – it was a pirated DVD raid.

It was a sight to behold. From my candid observation, I reckoned that pirates must have at least broken 4 world records that night …

1) The most pirated DVD outlets closing down for business simultaneously at the same time.
2) The most people throng out from pirated DVD outlets onto a mall corridor, all simultaneously, at the same time.
3) The fastest evacuation from pirated DVD outlets inside a mall, all simultaneously, at the same time.
4) The most housewives screaming in terror inside pirated DVD outlets like real pirates inside a mall, all simultaneously, at the same time.

Apart from witnessing the multiple world records, I also witnessed a white guy holding a big stack of pirated DVDs, insisting to buy them up before leaving. From what I observed, the white guy must have selected those DVDs for hours, and couldn’t dig the fact that he had to leave the place empty handed. The DVD guy shoo-ed him away and the white dude kept pleading the DVD guy to let him have the movies.

So, what’s with these pirated DVDs? Well, in Penang, it’s still a very common thing. Not much raids around, and pirated DVDs can be basically found almost everywhere. With the exceptionally cheap price, it’s no surprise that they have become a daily necessity for Penang dwellers. And with the wonder of cellular phones, these pirates are almost impossible to eradicate – just like what happened in that mall on Saturday.

And also, I’m not ashamed to admit – that I support pirated DVDs. Why? Like I have blogged before, pirated DVDs in Malaysia are actually more ‘original’ from the authentic ones. “How come ?” one may ask. Well, in Malaysia, we have this censorship board that are paranoid of almost everything. They have this conservative perception that Malaysian youths are very docile, and are easily influenced by foreign ideologies. For eg. they believe that watching a kiss scene in movie could turn a person into some sadistic sex motivated serial killer…

That’s why the movies in our cinemas and authentic DVDs are all censored out of senses. We don’t get to see tits, fucks and kisses. Ass creaming scenes will be most likely censored off and if the plot has anything to do with anything religious, the movie will be completely banned altogether. That left us Malaysians with little choice but to resort to pirated movies. Simple reasons that some people fail to understand.

Long live pirated DVDs.

P/S: I only support pirated DVD movies and games, but I always buy original music. This is due to my respect for the wonderful work of artistes that have sculptured the world culture. I would have supported original movie DVDs if it’s not for the overdone censorships.

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September 14, 2004

chicken

Me and a platoon of my engineering colleagues stumbled into a chicken rice shop for lunch today. Although it was a chicken rice shop, the place offered a variety more of local fast food – eg. various choices of noodles, rice vermicelli’s, “wan than” (a type of shrimp/meat balls wrapped in dough), etc. A typical Penang’s multi menu eatery.

Planning to have a really quick lunch, the 7 of us quickly settled down onto a medium sized round table and flagged the old waitress to take our order. She seemed quite happy by the sight of our presence – as if it was a rendezvous with her long lost gay lover. And because we intended to be quick, each of us ordered just a plate of flat rice noodle and a bowl of “wan than”.

That was when the happy face of a friendly lady turned into a grumpy old hag. Her friendly voice suddenly turned into something that resembled a full grown male primate crossed with a really old buffalo – bellowing some comment of dismay :

old hag : “Is that all ?? Is that all you guys want to order??”

Trying to be nice, I politely replied her with a short explanation

Me : “Yes aunty. That’s all. We’re in a hurry. Thank you.”

Then she started to gripe something that was beyond our comprehension, followed by another question,

old hag : “I thought you guys are going to order some chicken?? Everyone here orders chicken… you guys are weird”

She sounded agitated. Again, I politely declined.

Me : “Thanks aunty, but we’re really in a hurry. We’ll just stick to our original orders please..”

old hag : “I thought you guys going to order a whole chicken with that crowd… bla bla bla”

She continued to bitch about her chickens while walking away into the kitchen to process our order. We took no offense about her rude demeanor as we’re a bunch of understanding youths. Old people are not very much different from psychopaths so… it’s ok to let them be.

We thought it was all settled but the old psychopath hag returned to our table again, standing beside me and was kinda staring at me. It freaked me out needless to say. She stood there staring for what must be like a whole 5 seconds, before she was able to gather her thought to ask me another weird question

old hag : “You really don’t want to order our chicken? They are very nice… Trust me.”

Alright, that was my limit. I snapped. She reminded me of those desperate credit card salesmen – which pisses me off. I decided to stop acting nice and tone up a bit

Me : “Aunty, you heard me very clear – no chickens. Please leave us alone”

old hag : “our chickens here are very famous… you should try it.”

Me : “Your chickens are famous eh ? Then are their names? If they’re famous, I should know their names… ”

The old hag was dumbfucked when I asked for her chickens’ names. I bet she had never encountered any of her patrons asking her chickens’ names. Then one of my colleague Wilson added more confusion to her jammed mind …

Wilson : “Aunty… don’t force us to order chickens lar … you want to be a pimp is it?”
(“to order chicken” is a slang in Hokkien for “whoring”)

She immediately disappeared into the kitchen and never bothered us again. Some people are just plain weird.

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