Archive for September, 2004

September 23, 2004

Prince of Wales Island II

Didn’t I say more ? Here’s more commonly used Hokkien slang acronyms from Penang…

“gen thau”
direct translation – ‘addicted to a head’.
actual meaning – referring to someone who’s desperate for sex.
eg: “Ah Piang kau giak gen thau, lau ee pun sien !”
[translation: “Ah Piang is so desperate for sex, that he even picks up old hags”]

“phoo bor”
direct translation – ‘fuck wife’ (might even be something from other dialect)
actual meaning – unknown. The eastern equivalent of the western ‘motherfucker’
eg: “Phoo bor kia, aneh uwa liao, koh boey kau”
[translation: “It’s getting late, and that motherfucker is still missing”]

“lam phar phar lan” (also known as LPPL)
direct translation – ‘testicles, and another inverted pronunciation of it’.
actual meaning – to indicate something that doesn’t make a slight difference.
eg: “Ee oo lai ahsi boh lai, pun si lam phar phar lan nia lah..”
[translation: “Whether or not he comes, it wouldn’t make any difference.”]

“lim peh” (this is not an original Penang slang)
direct translation – ‘my father’ (this is the same as Singaporeans’ “lim beh”)
actual meaning – a description oneself, with pride, grandeur and arrogance.
eg: “Lim peh lap kah ee chow heng.”
[translation: “I beat him up until he’s lopsided”]

“siao”
direct translation – ‘sperm’
actual meaning – stupid
eg: “Siao eh ! gostan ah boey jeep ma eh liao lor !”
[translation: “Stupid ! Just reverse to park the car !”]

“keh bo”
direct translation – ‘a mother hen’
actual meaning – a description of someone who’s timid ; American slang – chicken.
eg: “Keh bo ka boey si er…”
[translation: “Damn timid !”]

“mak beh jin kia”
direct translation – ‘a mom could not recognize her own son’
actual meaning – beyond recognition; sometimes used to exaggerate an ominous situation.
eg: “Cah meh lim peh eh bor beh sah… kio lim peh choot lui. Tiok ka mak beh jin kia..”
[translation: “Last night my wife went shopping. I had to pay till I was beyond recognition”]

“kam mo lan”
direct translation – ‘to fellate a hairy dick’
actual meaning – a phrase to describe a very rigorous trouble that has caused an undescribable vexation.
eg: “Ho lang pak ka kam mo lan”
[translation: “Was pummelled rigorously”]

Have a nice day.

Related links:
Prince of Wales Island
Prince of Wales Island III
Prince of Wales Island IV

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
September 22, 2004

when an animal goes wacky

Once upon a time, when I was walking back to my grandma’s place with my cousins one fine afternoon, a white male dog suddenly sprung out of nowhere to block out paths. It seemed friendly, you know, was wagging its tail and shit. We thought it just wanted to be cute or something, so we ignored the dog and continued to walk. The dog, probably not very happy for not getting enough attention, decided to rear up and put its paws on my chest (it was a big ass dog, and I was only an 8 year old kid). The dog tried to lick my face with it’s filthy tongue and I got freaked out.

My reflex was to push the animal away. It fell to the side and started to get really excited – probably thought that I was playing with it. Then it jumped up again and did the same thing. By that time, both my cousins had already fled to a nearby 4 wheeler to seek refuge on top of the vehicle. The dog relentlessly tried to lick my face, and I was struggling hard to avert it’s goddamn long tongue.

I had no choice but to resort to my last stance of defense — I gave the fucker dog a hard kick at it’s abdomen which had it whimpering with pain. Then I gave the dog a second kick at it’s muzzle, which sent it flying straight into a drain nearby. I then distanced myself off from the drain and was checking out on the status of the dog. I was expecting the dog to chicken out and go away. But to my surprise, that dog shot out from the drain again and headed straight at me. This time, I could see its reddish dick dangling out like a really long lipstick. That was when I realized that the dog wasn’t just any dog. It’s a sadomasochistic dog (that’s a full description of what is known as S&M). Apparently, violence seems to make it exponentially hornier and now it wanted to hump me to get off the steam I started.

I immediately bolted off from the spot, running for my life. But I knew it wasn’t going to cut the mustard, as the psychotic dog could outrun me with ease and I can’t be running forever. I knew I had to look for something to climb on, but there wasn’t any tree. So, I decided to make a dash towards my grandma’s gate, which was approximately 20 – 30 meters away.

So I ran with all my might. Nobody has seen an 8 years old run like that before. I was lucky to reach the gate before the maniac dog did, but I was hit with another problem. To open my grandma’s gate, I would need to unhook the padlock, and then to slide open the rusty bolt. Sounded very simple, but I didn’t have the luxury of time to do all that as the dog was closing in. Fast.

Hence, I did what seemed to be the most logical thing for me to do right at that critical moment — climb the fucking gate. My grandma’s gate was a high one, about 5 feet. Coupled with the welded steel spikes, it stood 8 feet at least. Climbing the gate was a dangerous task. One slip, one will get impaled right through the asshole.

But I decided to climb it anyway (if I don’t, I’d get raped by a dog…). It was done in such a frantic manner that one of the half-curve spikes actually caught on the side of my shorts – exposing my balls (I wasn’t wearing an underwear. Don’t ask, I was just a kid). With both hands holding onto the spikes, I was basically stuck on top of the gate. I couldn’t jump over either direction, because that would definitely rip off my shorts and I would be naked from the waist down for the rest of the day. And that fucking dog was pounding on the gate, which kinda make my situation even more tippy.

I was trying hard to unhook my stuck shorts… while calling out for my cousins’ to help. Both of them were still on top of the 4 wheeler. Laughing at my ass. They contemplated for a whole minute before managed to come up with a plan to shoo the insane animal away – by hurling pebbles at it. After getting struck by a few eyeball sized stones, that dog finally bailed off – leaving the terrified me on the gate, still stuck.

Things got a lot more calmer after that, and I managed to steadily unhook my shorts to climb down – saving the disgrace of losing my shorts. And that experience, still vividly lives in my brain until today.

michaelooi  | escapades  | Comments Off
September 21, 2004

school bus – the ala-bhai game

During my years inside the school bus, we played a lot of weird games. Among the weirdest (and most controversial), was the ala-bhai game. If you’re from Penang, you should already know what I’m talking about.

Like I said, it’s very controversial. Some deemed it as racist… some deemed it as immoral. But hell, we kids from all ethnicity have been playing this for DECADES …. and as a kid, I believe our souls are somewhat pure and innocent, and very certainly, there were no means of ill will or racism in it. It was just a game that was created out of sheer fun and mischief.

Alright, enough of that disclaimer bullshit. Just read it at your own discretion. You can choose to laugh with me, or you can choose to leave my blog to cower at a corner and succumb to your fucked up conservative brain.

You see, Malaysia is a multi racial country. We practically have a little bit of each race from all over the world, but the major ones are Malay, Chinese and Indian … and …. the Sikhs. In Penang (or is it the whole Malaysia ?), we don’t call our Sikh friends as the Sikhs. We call them Bhai. (it’s not a derogatory term, mind you. It’s actually a slang in our colloquial conversation). Right, this is a game about them.

Before I start to explain how the game was played, let me brief you some facts about the Sikhs here. As most of you have already known, the Sikhs are known for their turbans. If you don’t know what’s a turban, then you ought to be hung and shot. A turban is a piece of cloth that was adorned on a Sikh’s head. An article of faith. You can read more about them here — the Sikh Coalition.

These turbans come in many colors and sizes. Adult Sikhs would have a full turban, and a kiddy Sikh will have a smaller version … which is called … a leer (correct me if I’m wrong). The kiddy version are somewhat a bit different, where the cloth is bunned up like a ball above their forehead.

These big and small sized turbans, are sometimes red, blue, black or white in color. I do not recall seeing any other colors but, again, I might be wrong. (smacks head for not understanding more about other race). The different sizes are merely due to individual’s way of constructing their own turban so, they’re kinda different from each other.

So, being kids, these colorful turbans would often fascinate our shallow minds. We didn’t have any idea what they’re for and we didn’t care. That’s why, we loved this game – the ala-bhai game.

How to play the ala-bhai game :
It’s simple. Basically, it’s a spot-a-Bhai game. The game can’t be started as you like… it has to be played spontaneously only when someone spots a Bhai with a turban.

1) Once the person spotted a Bhai with a turban, he would pick a buddy next to him — any buddy — and pinch that guy hard anywhere he prefers (without letting go)… and shout “ala-bhai jope !!!!”. The shout will have to be concurrent with a “jope” hand sign with the other hand. [“jope” hand sign – just make all your five fingers meet at one spot.. and you’ll have the “jope” sign]
*It’s a universal rule that we kids have agreed, that one gains an authority to pinch anyone/anywhere he likes … if he spots a turban and gestured the “jope” hand sign.

2) Then, the pincher would ask the victim “what color is the bhai ?” [referring to the color of the turban. Continue to pinch harder if victim fails to answer or incorrectly describes the color].
*Please note, the “jope” hand sign must not be dismissed yet, as it will strip off your authority to pinch.

3) After asking the first question, the pincher would then ask the second question “rugby or hockey ?” [referring to the size of the spotted turban. If it’s a full turban, the answer would be “rugby”. If it’s the kiddy leer turban, answer would be “hockey”]. Pincher would continue to pinch as hard as he can until the victim manages to get the answer correctly.

4) The game ends when the Bhai is out of vicinity, or when the victim answers all the questions correctly — whichever comes last.

So, during our prepubescent days, we’re very alert of our surroundings – because a sight of any Sikh dude would grant us an authority to pinch anyone we like. And failure to spot a Sikh would mean suffering and torment. It’s a game that involves quick reflex, endurance and concentration.

Good old days.

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September 20, 2004

wild-life

One of my colleagues Wilson related his experience inside a shopping mall to me while we’re having our breakfast…

Wilson : “I was approached by a couple of girls asking for donation for WWF fund. Damn, I told them that I had a lot of trouble to even feed my own kid, and why would I want to bother about some wild animals??”

Then another colleague TC, replied,

TC : “Your son feeds on cow’s milk, right? So you see, without animals, your son would be starving. So, the fund kind of indirectly affects your life too.”

Wilson : “hello ? wildlife lah… cows are not wild.”

Me : “That WWF was probably not for wildlife as they claimed. They are for those beefcake wrestlers, who needed money to support their appetite…”

And we all cackled like dumbfucks inside our cafeteria, attracting a company wide attention.

Well, the conclusion from our candid conversation was – nobody really cares about wild animals. Only those who has nothing better to do… does that.

I mean, why would anyone worry so much about wild animals getting extinct or shits like that? What’s so important about watching them living their savage lives killing each other in some jungle?

I really loathed those type of self-proclaimed environmentalists or animal lovers, that go around picketing about killing animals. But when they go home at night, they would use detergents to wash their dishes, plastics to dildo their own pussy, sanitary pads to suppress their menstruation (big aunty) and shitloads of chemicals to enhance their skin. And pardon me, if you do not realize that, those are the same shit that could kill a whale or two when it goes into the ocean. Animal lovers my ass.

The best way to protect those animals, is to fucking leave them alone. Let them have their fun and freedom at the savannah. And if you’re so compelled to protect or get them out of harm’s way, just strip off all your clothes and belongings to live with them in the wild. Thou should never use a drop of shampoo or soap in your life ever again. Thou shall live like your ancestral cavemen and freeze during the winter inside the caves (one of our world’s most wanted terrorists is already doing that in the Afghan mountain caves … he’s a true environmentalist).

But then, even if you are willing to do all that, it won’t save much animals. Because all your friends would not join your cause. They would instead, think that you’re a twat for giving up your own culture and civic mind to be with the animals. They have much more important things to worry about … like how to find a cure for cancer, how to feed the hungry stomachs, how to achieve world peace and how to live forever. Period.

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let out session

I do not know what is wrong with the commuters today. Everyone seems to be too stoned to either drive or ride. During my journey to work this morning, I have met a few close shaves from getting an accident. Cars mysteriously swaying into my lane without warning, truck storming out of a junction, kapcais swarming the all over the place, bicycles spontaneously crossing the road, etc.

They all seem to be plagued with some kind of spell that retarded their brain – you know, which affected their eye-hand coordination. For the first time in my life, I felt that the entire state was conspiring against me. I was alone on the planet, that kind of shit.

What could have gone wrong? What was the problem with the people today? What had I done differently that exempted me from joining the zombie gang? Are the aliens behind this? Damn this is so disturbing.

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