I was doing about 120kph on a freeway this morning, when suddenly, a Waja appeared out of nowhere behind me. Actually, I was on the express lane, but was hindered by a Pajero in front of me (else I would have gone Mach 3 speed).

The Waja did not honk me but instead, tailed real close. I was like - wow, our national car can really go fast. That was so out of my expectation. I’ve heard rumors that a Proton car could explode, disintegrate or something when it was throttled beyond the 100 kph mark. But today, I witnessed it with my own eyes, that was all untrue.

Alright, I went a bit further, by maneuvering my car into the middle lane and smoke some rubber. I did 150 kph this time - the Proton Waja, which to my surprise, followed suit. Oh goddamn, that was so unbelievable ! I overtook the whole string of vehicles on the express lane and sway back in front of them. My meter reads 160 kph. I took another look at my rear view mirror, that Waja was still tailing me (albeit it had kept some distance) ! Unbelievable ! I was very startled by the engineering marvel of our own national car. Simply out of this world.

Come think of it, Waja is actually an amazing car. It offers so many features at a price that is so reasonable, no doubt this is the car of choice for many young Malaysians.

One of the most notable pros of Waja is this safety feature called “the crumple zone” - where the car would fold itself and crumple whenever it hits anything head on, sideways or backwards. This is to absorb the impact of any directional momentum - minimizing the risk of injury and maximizing the cost of repair. Take for example, Ah Seng reverses his Waja into a parking lot and it hit another car with it’s rear. Thanks to the “crumple zone” safety feature, Ah Seng’s car practically had it’s rear bumper crumpled beyond recognition. Ah Seng would have seriously lost his life right inside the parking lot if the bumper did not crumple to absorb the impact. Kudos to Proton !

Then there’s this unique feature called “Automatic glove compartment warning system”, which was an internationally well known feature. Whenever a Waja overspeeds on a road or going through some really rough terrain, the glove compartment drawer will automatically open - attracting the driver’s attention, prompting him to slow down. Slowing down more often will indirectly help to prolong the life of the absorbers and springs, not to mention reducing the risk of overspeeding. This is a genius invention by Proton, which uses a low tech / simple mechanism, to trigger a preventive measure on preserving the reliability of the vehicle.

Has anyone heard about the super high tech “poka-yoke headlights triggering system (PYHTS)” ? If you have not heard of it, then shame on you. You see, Malaysian youths are known to be immaculate sleazebags. They don’t normally send their cars for checkup unless something is wrong with it. That’s where Proton’s PYHTS comes into play. From time to time, one of it’s headlights will automatically burn it’s own filament out without reason, triggering the car owner to send his car for immediate repair. And in the process of replacing the bulb, the car would be thoroughly checked for problems — which is kinda like a health check. There would be no chance at all for the vehicle to fail (even if it fails, there’s still a crumple zone to save your life.)

And the windows. One may ask, how could an innocent car window enhance a driving experience ? For Proton Waja, in many ways. It’s windows are not like any ordinary windows. Those are smart windows invented by Proton. It has this build in artificial intelligence (AI) that will automatically jam itself halfway each time a person tries to wind the windows up. Why ? 2 reasons

1) Since Waja has a powerful engine, speeding at neck breaking speed can be very dangerous. To counter that, the AI would calculate the appropriate wind compensation to drag the vehicle at a safe speed - by advertently jamming the windows ! (jamming the window will interrupt the car’s aerodynamic flow when the wind pours in from the jammed opening, thus reducing the speed).

2) The cooling effect. Air conditioning are often blamed for causing high fuel consumption. By jamming up the windows and allowing an adequate opening, part of the cooling function would be compensated by the external wind - hence, the driver can choose to turn off the air conditioning as he prefers.

A window, that can enhance the safety, and improve fuel consumption. A stone that kills 2 birds. Who would have thought that ? Not the Germans, not the French, but our very own Proton engineers.

Alright, the list could go on forever if I continue like this. I’ll save the talking and do the walking.

*follow up from the previous post - Prince of Wales Island

Didn’t I say more ? Here’s more commonly used Hokkien slang acronyms from Penang…

“gen thau”
direct translation - ‘addicted to a head’.
actual meaning - referring to someone who’s desperate for sex.
eg: “Ah Piang kau giak gen thau, lau ee pun sien !”
[translation: "Ah Piang is so desperate for sex, that he even picks up old hags"]

“phoo bor”
direct translation - ‘fuck wife’ (might even be something from other dialect)
actual meaning - unknown. The eastern equivalent of the western ‘motherfucker’
eg: “Phoo bor kia, aneh uwa liao, koh boey kau”
[translation: "It's getting late, and that motherfucker is still missing"]

“lam phar phar lan” (also known as LPPL)
direct translation - ‘testicles, and another inverted pronunciation of it’.
actual meaning - to indicate something that doesn’t make a slight difference.
eg: “Ee oo lai ahsi boh lai, pun si lam phar phar lan nia lah..”
[translation: "Whether or not he comes, it wouldn't make any difference."]

“lim peh” (this is not an original Penang slang)
direct translation - ‘my father’ (this is the same as Singaporeans’ “lim beh”)
actual meaning - a description oneself, with pride, grandeur and arrogance.
eg: “Lim peh lap kah ee chow heng.”
[translation: "I beat him up until he's lopsided"]

“siao”
direct translation - ’sperm’
actual meaning - stupid
eg: “Siao eh ! gostan ah boey jeep ma eh liao lor !”
[translation: "Stupid ! Just reverse to park the car !"]

“keh bo”
direct translation - ‘a mother hen’
actual meaning - a description of someone who’s timid ; American slang - chicken.
eg: “Keh bo ka boey si er…”
[translation: "Damn timid !"]

“mak beh jin kia”
direct translation - ‘a mom could not recognize her own son’
actual meaning - beyond recognition; sometimes used to exaggerate an ominous situation.
eg: “Cah meh lim peh eh bor beh sah… kio lim peh choot lui. Tiok ka mak beh jin kia..”
[translation: "Last night my wife went shopping. I had to pay till I was beyond recognition"]

“kam mo lan”
direct translation - ‘to fellate a hairy dick’
actual meaning - a phrase to describe a very rigorous trouble that has caused an undescribable vexation.
eg: “Ho lang pak ka kam mo lan”
[translation: "Was pummelled rigorously"]

Have a nice day.

Once upon a time, I was walking back to my grandma’s place my cousins one fine afternoon, when suddenly, a slightly anorexic white male dog came up to us (I know it’s a male because I can see it’s dark testicles hanging out). It seemed friendly, you know, tail wagging and shits like that. We kinda ignored the dog and walked on. That was when, the beast decided to go a mile further - this time, it reared up and put it’s paw on my chest (it was a big ass dog, and I was only an 8 years old kid). The dog tried to lick my face with it’s very same tongue that has licked thousands of canine crotches before.

Needless to say, I got freaked out and pushed the dog away. It fell to the side and started to get real excited - thinking that I am playing with him. Then it jumped up again and did the same thing. By that time, both my cousins already fled to a nearby 4 wheeler to seek refuge on top of the vehicle. The dog relentlessly tried to lick my face, and I was struggling hard to avert it’s goddamn long tongue.

I have no choice but to resort to my last stance of defense — I gave the fucker dog a hard kick at it’s abdomen which causes it to whine a sharp cry. Once it came down on it’s front paws again, I gave the dog a second kick at it’s jowl, which sent the 4 legged son of a bitch into a wall fence nearby, and went straight into the drain. I then distanced myself off from the drain and locked my caution on that dog.

I kinda expected the dog to chicken out and learn that I’m a real violent guy when it comes to whooping animals. But to my surprise, that dog shot out from the drain and headed straight at me, tail still wagging. This time, I can see it’s reddish dick dangling out like a full-fledged lipstick. Omfg. That was when I realized that the dog wasn’t just any dog. It’s a sadomasochistic dog (that’s a full description of what is known as S&M). Apparently, violence seems to turn it’s heat on even faster … and I realized I was in deep shit.

I immediately rocketed off from the spot, running for my life. But I knew it isn’t going to cut the mustard, as the psychotic dog can run really fast and I can’t be running forever. I was no match against that sex maniac doggy. I have to look for something to climb, but there wasn’t any tree. So, I decided to run until my grandma’s gate, which was approximately 20 - 30 meters away - but I will have to run very, very, fast.

So I ran with all my might. Nobody has seen an 8 years old ran like that before. Luckily, the plan worked and I managed to reach the gate before the pervert dog caught up on me. But I have another problem. To open my grandma’s gate, I’ll have to unhook the padlock, and then to slide open the rusty bolt. Sounded very simple, but I don’t have much time to do all that as the dog was closing in. Fast.

Hence, I did what seems to be the most logical thing for me to do right at that critical moment — climb the fucking gate. My grandma’s gate was a high one, about 5 feet. Coupled with the welded steel spikes, it stood 8 feet the least. Climbing the gate was a dangerous task. One slip, one will get impaled right through the asshole.

But I decided to climb it anyway. It was done in such a frantic manner that one of the half-curve spikes actually caught on the side of my shorts - exposing my balls out to the public (I wasn’t wearing any underwear. Don’t ask, I was just a kid). With both hands holding onto the spikes, I was practically stuck on top of the gate. I can’t jump neither direction, because that would definitely rip off my shorts and I would be half naked for the rest of the day. And that fucking dog was pounding on the gate, which kinda make my situation even more tippy.

I was trying hard to unhook my stuck shorts … while calling out for my cousins’ help, which both of them were still on top of the 4 wheeler. Laughing. They contemplated for a whole minute before coming up with a plan to shoo the insane animal away - by hurling stones at it. After getting struck by a few eyeball sized stones, that dog finally bailed off - leaving terrified me on the gate, still stuck.

Things got a lot more calmer after that, and I managed to steadily unhook my shorts to climb down - saving the disgrace of losing my shorts. And that experience, still vividly lives in my brain till today.

During my years inside the school bus, we played a lot of weird games. Among the weirdest (and most controversial), was the ala-bhai game. If you’re from Penang, you should already know what I’m talking about.

Like I said, it’s very controversial. Some deemed it as racist… some deemed it as immoral. But hell, we kids from all ethnicity have been playing this for DECADES …. and as a kid, I believe our souls are somewhat pure and innocent, and very certainly, there were no means of ill will or racism in it. It was just a game that was created out of sheer fun and mischief.

Alright, enough of that disclaimer bullshit. Just read it at your own discretion. You can choose to laugh with me, or you can choose to leave my blog to cower at a corner and succumb to your fucked up conservative brain.

You see, Malaysia is a multi racial country. We practically have a little bit of each race from all over the world, but the major ones are Malay, Chinese and Indian … and …. the Sikhs. In Penang (or is it the whole dang Malaysia ?), we don’t call our Sikh friends as the Sikhs. We call them Bhai. (it’s not a derogatory term, mind you. It’s actually a slang in our colloquial conversation). Right, this is a game about them.

Before I start to explain how the game was played, let me brief you some facts about the Sikhs here. As most of you have already known, the Sikhs are known for their turbans. If you don’t know what’s a turban, then you ought to be hung and shot. A turban is a piece of cloth that was adorned on a Sikh’s head. An article of faith. You can read more about them here –> the Sikh Coalition.

These turbans come in many colors and sizes. Adult Sikhs would have a full turban, and a kiddy Sikh will have a smaller version … which is called … a leer (correct me if I’m wrong). The kiddy version are somewhat a bit different, where the cloth is bunned up like a ball above their forehead.

These big and small sized turbans, are sometimes red, blue, black or white in color. I do not recall seeing any other colors but, again, I might be wrong. (smacks head for not understanding more about other race). The different sizes are merely due to individual’s way of constructing their own turban so, they’re kinda different from each other.

So, being kids, these colorful turbans would often fascinate our shallow minds. We don’t have any idea what they’re for and we do not care. That’s why, we love to play this game - the ala-bhai game.

How to play the ala-bhai game :
It’s simple. Basically, it’s a spot-a-Bhai game. The game can’t be started as you like … it has to be played spontaneously only when someone spots a Bhai with a turban.

1) Once the person spotted a Bhai with a turban, he would pick a buddy next to him — any buddy — and pinch that guy hard anywhere he prefers (without letting go) … and shout “ala-bhai jope !!!!”. The shout will have to be concurrent with a “jope” hand sign with the other hand. ["jope" hand sign - just make all your five fingers meet at one spot.. and you'll have the "jope" sign]
*It’s a universal rule that we kids have agreed, that one gains an authority to pinch anyone/anywhere he likes … if he spots a turban and gestured the “jope” hand sign.

2) Then, the pincher would ask the victim “what color is the bhai ?” [referring to the color of the turban. Continue to pinch harder if victim fails to answer or incorrectly describes the color].
*Please note, the “jope” hand sign must not be dismissed yet, as it will strip off your authority to pinch.

3) After asking the first question, the pincher would then ask the second question “rugby or hockey ?” [referring to the size of the spotted turban. If it's a full turban, the answer would be "rugby". If it's the kiddy leer turban, answer would be "hockey"]. Pincher would continue to pinch as hard as he can until the victim manage to get the answer correctly.

4) The game ends when the Bhai is out of vicinity, or when the victim manage to answer all the questions correctly — whichever comes last.

So, during our prepubescent days, we’re very alert of our surroundings - because a sight of any Sikh dude would grant us an authority to pinch anyone we like. And failure to spot a Sikh would mean suffering and torment. It’s a game that involves quick reflex, endurance and concentration.

Good old days.

While we’re having our breakfast this morning, my colleague Wilson related his experience inside a shopping mall …

wilson : “I was approached by a couple of girls asking for donation for WWF fund. Damn, I told them that I’m having a lot of trouble to even feed my own kid, and why would I want to bother about some wild animals ??”

Then another colleague TC, replied,

TC : “Your son feeds on cow’s milk, right ? without animals, your son would be starved. So, the fund kinda indirectly affects you too.”

wilson : “hello ? wildlife lah … cows are not wild.”

me : “That WWF was probably not for wildlife. They are those bunch of chowhound wrestlers that needed money to support their appetite…”

And we all cackled like dumbfucks inside our cafeteria, attracting a company wide attention.

Well, the conclusion from our candid conversation was - nobody really cares about wild animals. Only those who have nothing better to do.. does that.

I mean, why would anyone worry so much about wild animals getting extinct or shits like that ? What’s so important about watching them living their savage lives killing each other in some jungle ?

I really loathed those type of self-proclaimed environmentalists or animal lovers, that goes around picketing about killing animals. But when they go home at night, they would use detergents to wash their dishes, plastics to dildo their own pussy, sanitary pads to suppress their menstruation (big aunty) and shitloads of chemicals to enhance their skin. And pardon me, if you did not realize that, those were some inorganic stuffs that could kill a whale or two when it was to be flushed into the ocean. Animal lovers my ass.

The best way to protect those animals, is to fucking leave them alone. Let them have their fun and freedom at the savannah. And if you’re so compelled to protect or get them out of harms’ way, just strip off all your clothes and belongings to live with them in the wild. Thou shall never use a drop of shampoo or soap in your life ever again. Thou shall live like your ancestral cavemen and freeze during the winter inside the caves (one of our world’s most wanted terrorist is already doing that in the Afghan mountain caves … he’s really a true environmentalist).

But then, even if you really would do all that, it won’t save much animals. Because all your friends would not join your cause. They would instead, think that you’re a twat for giving up your own culture and civic mind to be with the animals. They have much more important things to worry about … like how to find a cure for cancer, how to feed the hungry stomachs, how to achieve world peace and how to live forever. Period.