blood test experience

long post … don’t bitch

I was forced to go for a blood test on Saturday morning. Emily made me do it. I tried my very best to get myself out of it but it didn’t work. I was dragged half awake up from my hibernation and was mentally tortured when I whined. I have no choice but to submit to her ill begotten wills — coz I wouldn’t want to take the risk of her doing mean things to me when I’m asleep. Like getting sexually assaulted.

Now, what makes me so anti against having a blood test ?

1) It was a Saturday morning. I usually sleep late on Saturday mornings. I wouldn’t leave my bed even if there’s a fire.
2) I hate getting poked at. Especially with sharp objects.
3) I’m fucking lazy (usually 7 days a week)

It wasn’t a clinic that we’re visiting for the blood test that morning. It was a lab that was located in one of the busiest district in Penang. Looking for a place to park was as hard as looking for Osama in Afghan caves. I almost decided to head back home until a parking spot suddenly appeared out of nowhere - and I’ll have to park my car there at gunpoint. Damn … it was like the whole world were conspiring against me.

As I stepped into the air conditioned lab, I was surprised by the sight of the visitors there. Approximately 90% of the people inside were senior citizens. That wasn’t a very comfortable thought for me. Everyone was looking at both of us as if we’re there rob the blood bank or something. Old people spooks me up.

Fast forward 5 odd minutes later - after all those registration processes - a douche bag at the counter gave me a small plastic beake-like container, to which, I wasn’t exactly sure what it was for (as this was my first time taking a blood test). So I slapped her a curious question :

“Err, what’s this container for ?”
“That’s for your urine.”
“I thought I’m getting a blood test ?”
“Oh, yeah, we’ll need both your blood and urine. Just fill half that container up and drop into the blue basket inside”

Emily flashed me an “oh-you’re-so-dumb” smile and I went off into the direction of the washroom. I was so worried if I’ve even got some piss left inside my bladder - coz I was fucking sure that I had drained everything off before I left home that morning. I whipped out my prick nevertheless, and tried my best to fill the container up.

I put the nozzle of my biological weapon into the container - just to make sure that I didn’t miss the container pissing all over the place (my marksmanship wasn’t that good). I waited for 10 seconds, nothing came out. And I waited even longer, then all of a sudden, the beast down there spouted out a gush of urine into the container. It came as a surprise and created a back draft so strong that it sprayed some of the piss out from the gap between my prick and the container - spilling onto the toilet floor and the side of the container.

Luckily, my reflex was good enough to avert those little droplets of radioactive golden shower from contaminating my pants. But it was shortlived, for I was hogged by another problem. By the time I realized that the hag only need half the container, I was already holding a 3/4 full container - with my lizard still showing no signs of stopping. The fill rate was going too fast and I have only a couple of seconds to react before the piss started to trickle down my trembling hand. With a hand holding the almost full container, and another gripping the neck of the menacing serpent, I had to quickly (but skillfully) shift the shooting jet of biochemical discharge into the toilet bowl. It was a difficult maneuver (as one wrong move could wet my pants, topple the container, maybe even causes me to slip and fall head-first into the toilet bowl) …but I did it without any issue.

I got a container full of piss for the old hag, though she may need only half, I’d let her keep the remaining half as souvenir.

I then went out to the waiting room. Fast forward another 5 minutes of waiting later, a sweet young nurse with a nice rack called out my name and I went over to a partitioned area - where she will be responsible to suck my blood out (though I’d prefer she suck out something else). Needless to say, it was a nervous situation for me as she asked me questions like “have you given that old hag your piss ?”, “did you eat anything this morning ?”, shits like that. Then she tied a tourniquet around my right arm and started to scour for my vein (to poke a syringe into it to drain out some blood sample).

She looked for a whole minute, but couldn’t find it. I jokingly told her I left it at home - which she retardedly giggled with a snort. Then she asked for my left arm and spent another whole minute looking for it. I told her I don’t have a vein. She said my vein was probably slanted and harder to find. I told her to keep looking and fucking concentrate bitch. Ok, I made that up. I told her I don’t have a vein and she was wrong. She kept looking … and switched again to my right arm.

She spent another minute searching on my right arm, and I was kinda inadvertently admiring her rack. It was nice. But before I get to compliment it to her, she told me she had found my vein. I asked her if she was sure ? She nodded with a giggle. I was about to tell her that the syringe would end up on her forehead if she misses …but before I could even utter another word, she briskly inserted the syringe under the skin of my forearm - directly into my hidden vein. Blood started to fill up the lower part of the syringe and she started to draw more of it from my arm.

The sight of blood aggravated me and caused my arm to go out of control. I started to flail my left arm onto nurse’s face and knocked her out cold. Then, I jumped up onto the registration counter and started terrorizing every single old people inside the room - which some of them scared black out and some dived out through the glass door. It was madness that ruled over me and I later ate back the syringe that contained my blood. Arrghh

Alright, alright, that previous paragraph was just some comical release from my office pressures. It didn’t actually happened (if it wasn’t that obvious to some of you). The nurse drew a syringe-ful of blood from me and asked me to come back again in 4 days. After waited for Emily’s turn, we left the place for a good meal of dim sum and had a great Saturday morning.

My family had a history of oddly placed vein under our forearms. My father and his brothers usually had to riddle their cubital fossa full of holes before manage to find their veins to draw blood. And that’s fucking why, I was reluctant to donate/draw blood for whatever purposes.