i don’t dig animal themed movies

There were at least 3 people asking me the same question today - “Have you seen Anaconda ?”. Holy fuck.

I don’t know what’s wrong with those people. What makes them think I would be interested in watching that big rampaging snake ruining up people’s shit ? We all know the anacondas dwell deep inside the dense Amazonian jungle. What makes me fail to understand is …. why those Americans still love to travel from the civilization and expose themselves to all those dangers.

Anaconda’s are just pure lazy farts. They’re big and heavy … and that’s why they can’t really move very fast. The law of gravity. You can outrun an anaconda anytime without problem .. well, maybe unless you’re a fucking midget or a cripple. Midgets = Legs too short, can’t run fast. Cripple = can’t even walk. But then if you’re either one, you shouldn’t be going to Amazon in the first place.

And another thing is, those big snakes can hoover a whole big-ass deer and last for a year, they normally do not hunt for excess food, what more to terrorize the humans ? They’re just plain harmless … I’ve seen a lot of them at my company’s smoking area - no shit - they’ll all run helter skelter when the boss shouts at them for hanging out too long.

Well, even if the giant snake happens to be wacky and dangerous, just hire a few Banglas clad with a stainless steel armour armed with a chainsaw. I bet no anaconda’s skin could match the sharp jagged teeth of a chainsaw. Or if you could not find any Bangla, just call up some Chinese restaurant chef, they’ll be glad to hunt and cut up the snake with a cleaver - to be cooked with herbal soup.

I’m just getting tired of these psychotic animal movie shit. Octopus, crocodiles, piranhas, snakes … damn, what next ? Are we gonna cover the entire animal kingdom ? Damn, the filmmakers nowadays really need some spanking to be creative. I seriously think they need to come up with something new, like rampaging housewives (with lots of gore), mafia aliens that plot to take over the entire planet’s whorehouse, something like that.

Just, no more animal bullshits. Animals are only good as food.

So, like AVP, I’m not gonna watch this movie either. I know it’s going to be a sucker.