the poo story

I used to have a grand-aunt who lived next door. If you do not know what a “grand-aunt” is, well, it’s a contraption that yaks non stop and walks on two feet. No… it’s my grandma’s sister, silly.

My grand-aunt, was a typical gripe machine. Anything that goes into her brain, will come out a hundred times more vulgar from her mouth. She was cruel and would not hesitate to spill anyone’s secrets. It was needless to say, a bit dangerous to live near someone as sinister as her. Never ever let her found out that you’re trying to hook some girls up at home - coz it will end up as national news the next day.

Needless to say, I was too smart to be affected by her wickedness and had very little issues with her at all. Instead, I manage to make myself one of her favorite grand-nephew. Hell, if you can’t beat the devil, why not join it’s league and have some fun ? And because of that, I always get to hear lots of gossips from my grand-aunt (let’s address her as GA for convenience’s sake).

One of the best ones I can remember was about an indignity of a lady tenant that rented one of GA’s vacant room. The tenant’s name is Hing. Was a vile looking creature in her 30’s …as skinny as a malnourished caribou and worked as a clerk or something. If there’s a female version of Freddy Krueger, no fucking doubt, she is the candidate - can even act on without any special effects make up.

Her wretched looks aside, she was quite a demure person. Doesn’t talk much and doesn’t have a boyfriend (no surprise .. dude). My mom always commented that if it wasn’t her look, she would be an ok person. But I doubted that, as I always felt that there’s something wrong about this lady - and I don’t know what it is.

Alright, one day, GA’s toilet suddenly clogged itself up. Flushing the bowl would cause the waste water to overflow and spread the brown chunkies all over the toilet floor. It was a situation that required professional fixing. So, GA pre-alerted Hing that the toilet will be out for a few days (or until it was fixed), and during the period, she’ll have to purge her bodily waste at work or somewhere else.

Fine, it was a message heeded well. In fact, too well. She actually chose “somewhere else”. Somehow, Hing had a sudden urge to defecate when she was taking her bath that day … and made a very absurd decision. Instead of holding her shit, she actually spouted her elongated fat piece of long poo into the narrow drain hole. Then she tried to jam it down the drain pipe by spraying a jet blast of pipe water into the hole. Thinking that her poo will delve it’s way through the pipe into the septic tank (a tank in older homes that deposits sewage water for purification. Usually located outside the compound), Hing settled off her bath as if nothing happened.

But she was wrong. Her pieces of solid shit got stuck somewhere in the middle of the pipe and sort of partially flooded the bathroom floor (which she did not realize). Then, the matter got worst - it suddenly rained very hard and the rain water began to seep into the septic tank. This causes a backward pressure into the bathroom and pushes all the motherfucks of Hing’s poo out from the narrow drain hole.

Coincidentally, that was also the moment GA came into the bathroom to fetch some stuffs, when she saw some unidentified floating objects inside the flooded bathroom floor (surprisingly, Hing had a floatable shit that day). Needless to say, GA freaked out as she thought those were some sort of mutated critters crawling out from the drain hole. The old lady almost squealed in terror when she decided to take a closer look with her short sighted eyes.

When they appeared to look harmless enough, she gained some confidence to investigate by poking those little pieces of brown floating turds with a toilet brush. It was tough at first (as GA described), but eventually, it broke up into pieces after she applied more force. That was when those turds began to emanate the locked stench of death from inside the hardened outer structure … which almost choked the poor old lady into comatose.

GA then screamed at Hing to explain about those floating shits. Ironically, Hing confessed everything and relived the entire episode of sadistic poo plopping event. That’s how GA found out what exactly Hing did … and retold her tenant’s misadventures to the entire neighborhood.

And who would have thought, that this poo story would someday end up on the net… on my blog.