Archive for August, 2004

August 5, 2004

I really don’t want….

Emily told me today that she wanted me to accompany her back to her hometown this weekend.

Aww man, I really don’t want to go back to Emily’s hometown. The place sucks. Each time I’m there, I will be basically turned into some dipshit mannequin that just sits around doing nothing other than watch the stupid TV. The place’s boring, hot and full of kids. It’s worst than having to be sent to a prison full of gay lepers.

The last time I was there, I was awaken by a stray roach in the middle of the night. Was sleeping soundly on the wooden floor when suddenly, I felt some itch behind at my back. My T-shirt’s kinda rolled up revealing my tits from extreme bad sleeping habit – so, I thought that the itch might have been caused by mosquitoes. With a fast reflex, I smacked at the itch spot, fully expecting a bloody mosquito eviscerated under my palm.

But no… it was something bigger. Something with a moisty exoskeleton. Something that has hairy legs. And something the thing fucking ranked like motherfucking roach. Right, it was a cockroach, right in my hand. I immediately jumped up from my sleep and squealed like a pig that has just been scalded at it’s balls. My squealing was loud enough to wake Emily. Almost immediately, I fled out from the room dragging Emily along and scurried downstairs into the bathroom.

Emily kept asking me what was wrong but I was too disoriented (still very blur from the sudden wake) to even respond. I quickly went under the shower (still dragging Emily along) and proceeded flush lots of water onto my head. I then yelled “Get the fucking shampoo ! Pour ! Pour !” while pointing on my head. I squatted down and Emily proceeded to emergency wash my hair frenziedly without stopping.

I then calmed down, and let her wash my hair, repeated again and again, until I finally satisfied. While I was toweling my hair dry, Emily asked me again

“What happened ?”
“There was a cockroach. It was crawling on me when I was sleeping” [trembled with goosebumps]
“Then why do you need to wash your hair ?”
“I think it crawled up my hair… but I wasn’t sure. It smelled so bad… I didn’t know where the smell came from…” [proceeded to smell hand]

I almost barfed. Again, I ran to a nearby sink and washed my hand repeatedly with a dish washer detergent. I swear I emptied almost half the content just to rid of the cockroach smell. The bitter and shocking experience still haunts me today. That night, I slept with the lights on… and woke every 20 minutes or so to look around for cockroaches. Goddamn.

So, I can’t blame myself for not wanting to go back to Emily’s hometown. The roach incident was just another addition to the list of reasons why I shouldn’t and wouldn’t want to go there. I do not meant any disrespect to my family in-laws but… let’s just say… I’m a very sick individual and I should be staying at home instead. Whatever.

P/S: I have a phobia against cockroach. If you smell like one… you better stay the fuck away from me and my blog.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
August 4, 2004

composition

I remembered I scored quite well for my composition in BM when I was schooling, but am not really sure about now after so many years stopped communicating in that language. I decided to translate my previous superficial entry into BM … and let me know how I would have scored.
Note: I use no dictionary (coz i don’t have one) and some of the words/vocab might be inaccurate. Feel free to correct me.
Note: Foreigners who doesn’t read BM, this is a direct translation of my blog entry on 2nd August.

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Pada suatu hari, setelah terasa sendiri sudah lama tidak pergi bersenam, saya bercadang untuk pergi berjoging di sekitar kawasan perumahan. Dengan pakaian Mizuno and kasut lari Nike ku, maka berlepaslah saya … berlari bagaikan johan. Kegembiraan tu … tiada bandingannya dan oh .. terasa unggul sungguh dapat menghirup udara segar sambil menghindirkan kerimat kotor. Saya memecut lalu sekumpulan gadis sekolah, dan melambaikan kepada mereka. Berlari lepas sekumpulan lembu sambil senyum … dan kemudian sekumpulan serigala orang tua … dan menunjukkan punggung. Ia merupakan hari yang indah. Tidak pernah saya terasa begitu rapat dengan planet Bumi. Pokok-pokok …. burung-burung…. dan jiran-jiran yang serba baik …. ahhhhh.

Apabila saya sedang berjongket di suatu selekoh, tiba-tiba, saya terasa diekori orang. Rupanya, sebuah motosikal sedang mengekori saya. Oleh kerana saya berasa tidak selesa dengannya, saya terus bersembunyi di belakang sebuah tong sampah besar … di lorong berdekatan sehingga saya pasti yang motosikal itu telah lenyap. Selepas itu, saya terus berlari secepat kongket mungkin ke arah yang bertentangan untuk balik ke rumah……

Ketika saya sedang meninggalkan lorong tersebut ke jalan besar, tiba-tiba, seorang lelaki melonjak entah dari mana. Lelaki itu berbadan besar seperti H-TigaKaliGanda … dan sedang bersengih bagaikan seekor kucing-bob. Amat jelas sekali, yang lelaki ini orang jahat, kerana ternampak tangannya memegang sebilah pisau durian. Dengan tidak membuang masa, saya terus berlari ke arah yang sebelah lagi … tapi, dihalang oleh satu lagi orang jahat yang berbadan besar ! Orang jahat yang kedua ini, bagaikan saiz Kingkong Bundy dan tangannya sedang memegang sebatang kayu yang besar. (jikalau anda tidak tahu siapa itu H-TigaKaliGanda atau KingKong Bundy, tolonglah .. pergi cari sebuah jamban yang berdekatan… taruk kepala anda ke dalamnya … dan pancur.)

Saya terperangkap ! Menampakkan muka 2 lelaki itu yang begitu bengis, saya rasa mereka bukan ke sini untuk berjabat tangan dan bersosial. Yang dapat saya buat ialah berharap .. supaya mereka bukan sepasang manusia homoseks yang laparkan lubang punggung dan sedang mencari mangsa …. ataupun orang jahat yang bertujuan untuk menyembelih orang secara syok.

Oleh kerana terperangkap dan tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa, saya terus teringatkan prosedur kecemasan yang saya terlajar dari TV — menjerit dengan sekuat hatinya. Apabila kedua penjahat tersebut bersedia untuk menerkam saya, tiba-tiba, saya terdengar bunyi denguran yang kuat. Tidak hairan, yang kedua penjahat juga tersempuk apabila terdengar bunyi tersebut dan keadaan ketika itu bagaikan terhenti.

Pada ketika itulah, saya ternampak sesuatu yang menyebabkan pengalaman ini susah dilupakan. Seorang lelaki .. bukan .. seekor anjing … bukan .. saya tidak pasti. Ia nampak macam separuh manusia dan separuh anjing dalam pakaian getah … yang sedang berdiri dengan gaya model bertelanjang Leonardo DaVinci. Tidak payah cakap, ketiga-tiga kami terus bengang – kerana tiada yang diantara kami tahu apakah gerangannya benda itu. Makhluk itu kemudiannya berjoget dengan perlahannya ke arah kami … sehingga bayangan besarnya mengerhanakan segala cahaya dari arahnya.

Saya amat takut, kerana sudahlah dipaksa dirompak oleh kedua penjahat itu .. dan sekarang kenalah pula berdepan dengan raksasa anjing ini. Saya terus memejamkan mata dan berdoa supaya pengongket-emak itu akan mengakhirkan segala-galanya secepat mungkin …. dan tiba-tiba, saya terdengar suara orang bertitah :

“Lepaskan lelaki serba kacak itu”

Suara itu kepunyaan makhluk anjing itu. Dia tu tahu bercakap. Sejuk.

Salah satu daripada pengganas itu terus menghayunkan kayu besarnya ke arah muka manusia-anjing itu, tanpa melengahkan masa untuk memahamkan keadaan. Manusia-anjing itu membuka mulutnya and membahamkan kayu itu kepada 2 bahagian …. kemudian mengigit tangan KingKong. Aduh, gigitan manusia-anjing itu amatlah kuat, sehingga tangan KingKong berubah menjadi warna unggu.

Mujurlah, KingKong dapat melepaskan diri and terus lari lintang-pukang ….. tetapi lain pula dengan H-TigaKaliGanda. Dengan menggunakan pisau duriannya, dia cuba untuk menikam perut manusia-anjing itu tapi tidak berjaya, kerana kulit perutnya amatlah keras sekali. Manusia-anjing itu terus mengetawakan H-TigaKaliGanda macamlah butuhnya pendek bagai puting babi. “Ha ha ha. Mengeletarlah kamu semua di depan aku… anak kepada anjing betina engkorang !” teriak manusia-anjing itu … lalu terus melonjak ke atas H-TigaKaliGanda dan mengongketnya … sambil menjerit “Marilahh sayanggg… yaaaaaa”

Saya nyaris mati dihentak ketakutan … setelah ternampak kedua-dua penjahat tersebut dicabuli dan dirogol dek manusia-anjing itu, tanpa was-was. Selepas melakukan kesemua itu, manusia-anjing itu memberi pandangan malas kepada saya ..dan terus melenyapkan diri dari lorong itu. Apakah makhluk itu ? Adakah ia sejenis malaikat ? Saya tidaklah kongket tahu, apa yang saya tahu ialah makhluk itu telah menyelamatkan saya daripada dirompak penjahat. Pengalaman yang memang sukar dipercayai dan pelik.

Maka, baliklah saya untuk berjoging, balik ke rumah … menunjukkan punggung kepada orang-orang tua …. bersenyum kepada lembu-lembu …. dan melambaikan tangan kepada gadis-gadis sekolah ….. tiada hari yang lebih baik. Saya tidak akan berjoging lagi selama-lamanya.
*******************

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
August 3, 2004

dirty food court

I was really hungry one night and barged into a nearby open air food court. That place used to be one of my favorite place – as it has this really big projector where my friends and I get to watch soccer matches on Saturdays while downing beers at the same time.

But it was all different when I went into the same place that night. The big projector screen in front had been replaced with a big stage. The ambience was way darker than before… and there were cheap tarts with repugnant make-ups loitering around that area. The place has turned into an open air karaoke whorehouse!

It seems to be a trend now in Penang – this karaoke whorehouse thing. It is a combination of karaoke, cheap hawker food and sex trade. Ingenuity of the local Chinese entrepreneurs – they’ve just invented a brand new breed of sex trade without really having to pimp for business.

How? You see, the food court management will actually renovate the food court place to look like a pub, while still maintaining the hawker stalls around. Then, they install a big stage in front of the area, hire a few housewives from some ghetto fish markets (because they’re dirt cheap) and make them sing in front of the patrons.

These housewives, are often overweight and fugly, with a poor taste of comma inducing voice. They can’t really sing but they do that for the sake of earning a few extra bucks (which earns better than cutting fish in wet markets). The trick is their skimpy dresses – fishnets, corsets, low cut blouses, miniskirts full of holes… you name it, they’ll wear it. Their target consumer? Middle aged or old codgers that are either :

1) too ugly/stupid to get laid
2) too much of a loser to have anything to do at home

Those old bunch of blokes would hang out places like that for hours, slamming overpriced beer into their oversized pot belly and cheering for those lopsided cunts. They practically get excited over anything on stage with skimpy dress so, there’s no issue of losing appetite here. Heck, if you were to put a rabid dog on that stage, no shit some of them would even volunteer to pork it.

In order to get those spastic sluts to come down from stage to sit on their table (an interface to strike some sex deal), these old guys will have to buy a small cup of ‘wine’ to ‘treat’ the ladies. It costs approximately 8 bucks (that’s USD 2) per small cup and is good enough to buy them some time to flirt with the singer. If they fail, buy again. It is a rip off needless to say, as those cups of ‘wine’ aren’t really wine. They are just cups of chrysanthemum tea mixed with water.

It is always an ugly sight at places like that – having to see the worst type of wrinkled Ah Bengs flirting around with the worst looking coarse voiced Ah Lians in the same place. And mind you, these people aren’t the educated type. They spit everywhere they go… and shout like ruffians when they get excited. They are the animal equivalent of diseased sewer rats and would not mind to have sex in dumpsters.

I almost barfed my brains out when I saw what had became of that place, but I had no choice but to dine there as I was damn hungry. I ate a bowl of Tom Yam noodles… but it tasted like a bowl of pig shit… I’ve never felt so fucking dirty for just eating a bowl of noodles. So ‘trespassed’. So decadent. So fucked-up-like-drliew’syoyo… I couldn’t forgive myself for dining at an abysmal place like that. Damn… I failed my Pendidikan Moral.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
August 2, 2004

trauma

Realizing that I haven’t been exercising for sometime, I decided to have a jog around the neighborhood one fine day. I slipped into my Mizuno outfit and my Nike running shoes – and off I went – running like a champ. Nothing could describe my jovial mood at that time and oh it felt so great to filter the fresh air with my pair of lungs while sweating the filth away. I ran past a group of schoolgirls and waved. Ran past a herd of cows and smiled. Ran past a pack of wolves old people and flashed. It was a fine day that day. Never had I felt so close with the planet before. The trees… the birds… the wonderful neighbors… ahhhh.

As I capered around a corner happily, I suddenly realized that I was being followed. A motorcycle had been following me from behind. Sensing that something was not right, I ran to an alley attempting to shake off the motorcycle. I crouched down behind a big dumpster until I was sure that the motorcycle was gone. Then, I took a detour off the other end of the alley to get the fuck out of the place (before the motorcycle comes back).

As I was about to exit the alley onto the main street, suddenly, a guy jumped out of nowhere. He was about the size of Triple H… and was grinning like a bobcat (I copied this expression from a song). Obviously, he was up to no good as I could see he was holding a durian blade. Without delay, I tried to flee though the other end of the alley… only to be cornered by another big guy! This second guy, he was about the size of Kingkong Bundy and was holding a big club! (if you do not know who are Triple H and Kingkong Bundy, please… go find a nearest toilet bowl… put your head into it… and flush.)

I was trapped ! Now, from the way the 2 unknown brutes look, I didn’t think they’re there to shake my hands and socialize. They obviously had some sinister plan in mind. I was hoping for the worst not to happen – that they were not some anus hungry homosexuals that were randomly looking for their victim… nor were they thugs who wanted their victims mutilated, just for the fun of it.

Cornered and outwitted, I was left with no choice, but to resort to the last survival option that I learned from TV… I gave out a loud blood curdling scream. Just as the 2 scoundrels got themselves ready to pound on me, suddenly, I heard something growling, very loud. The loud noise staggered the 2 brutes as well and everything seemed like frozen for a moment there.

That was when I saw something that I wouldn’t forget for the rest of my life. A man… no… a dog… no no… I wasn’t sure. It was a half man half dog creature in a rubber suit… who posed like a Leonardo DaVinci naked model. Needless to say, all the 3 of us were dumbfucked – as neither of us had any idea what the hell that thing wa. It ambled steadily towards our direction… until the shadow from it’s XXXL silhouette towered over us.

I was definitely scared shitless, for I was already being mugged by 2 thugs and then realizing that I had to deal with that monster dog shit. I shut my eyes tight – in hope that those motherfuckers would grant me a quick and painless death… when I heard a cool voice bellowing

“let go of the good looking gentleman… ”

It was that man-dog. He could talk. Cool – I thought.

One of the brutes didn’t spend another second to digest what the dog said and swung his club towards the man-dog’s face. Man-dog opened it’s mouth (muzzle actually) and snapped the club into 2 pieces… and started to bite on KingKong Bundee’s hand. Boy, he bit KingKong so hard that his hand turned purple.

KingKong managed to wriggle free and flee… but Triple H decided to try his luck. Using his super sharp durian blade, he tried to stab man-dog’s stomach but fuck his stomach skin was so tough, that the man-dog was just standing there ridiculing the thug as if his dick was as short as a pig’s nipple. “Ha ha ha… tremble before me you son of a bitch. ” And the man-dog proceeded to hump the shit out of Triple H… while yelling frantically “Cmon bebeh .. yesssss”

It scared me to death … for I witnessed the 2 brutes being desecrated and ravaged by that beast, indiscriminately. After he had done all that, it kinda gave me a lazy gaze and left the alley with style. What was that thing? A guardian of some sort? I don’t fucking know but, for sure, it actually rescued me from getting mugged. What an unbelievable and bizarre experience.

I continued to run back to my home after that… flashing to the pack of old people… smiled to a herd of grazing cows… and waved to a bunch of schoolgirls… day couldn’t have been any better. I would never jog in my life ever again.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
August 1, 2004

an intimate affair with a brake pedal

I was weaving through some obtusely sluggish bunch of cars as usual this morning on the bridge … until I came tailing behind this red Peugeot 406. As the bridge was narrow and this car was on the fastest lane, I was left with no choice but to tail behind this car. (to non-malaysians, Penang Bridge is a 13km narrow bridge-highway linking Penang island to the mainland)

Now, the distance between this car and the car infront, was about 20 meters .. but she (a lady driver, if it’s not obvious enough) kept braking her car for no apparent reason.

As some of you might not have known yet, braking inappropriately on the Penang Bridge could be very dangerous. A simple mistake could cause major accidents and cause hundreds of bridge commuters late for work.

It seemed that this lady driver has an inexplicable bond with her brake pedal. Every 2 seconds or so .. she would step on her brake and release. Step .. release. Step … release. As if her mind was fused together with her left leg – anything that goes through her impaired brain .. her left leg would react by stepping the brake.

Some examples :
When there’s a car overtakes her lane 100 over meters in front .. she brakes. When she sees someone brakes on her next lane, she brakes. She notices me approaching behind through her rearview mirror … she brakes. She sees birds flying by … she brakes. She thinks of her mother-in-law .. she brakes. She recalls how she faked her orgasm … she brakes. As if her car would get herpes or something if she doesn’t step on the brake pedal.

Damn irritating.

So, I resorted to give her a highlight and a short honk – sort of like giving her a message – “wtf brake brake brake !? drive your goddamn car properly bitch !”. Guess what’s her reaction ? Brake. Her incongruous braking made my blood boil. I was cussing her in languages that myself couldn’t even understand and finally, when there was enough space to overtake her, I sped past this shit hole spelunker.

She’s a perfect example of dangerous parasites that jeopardize the public safety on the road. She was so stupid that she did not know that if she refrain from stepping the accelerator… it would actually prevent her car from going faster… that’s why she’s having an affair with her brake pedal. People like this ought to be made to copulate with the civet cats from China.

I managed to arrive at work on time without killing anyone today.

michaelooi  | traffic shit  | Comments Off