I just watched Kill Bill volume 2, and I’m about to reveal how the movie fared compared to the first one. And there will be a lot of spoilers ahead. So, please… stop right here if you feel like discovering the movie yourself….

Alright, the first spoiler that I’m gonna reveal is — Bill dies at the end. Surprise !

Ok, seriously, Kill Bill volume 1 was one of the best American action movie I’ve ever seen. Kill Bill volume 2 ? Sucks big time. Not only it didn’t have much of its signatory fake blood but, the second installment has somewhat turned into somekind of a soap opera. Watching “Frazier” would’ve been much more entertaining than this movie. Goddamn … I feel so cheated !

Sacrificing my Friday night, got my snacks ready and was in my comfortable attire (that is .. T-shirt .. and boxer short without underwear..) - and all I fucking got was a drama queen settling her score by TALKING. Yeah, you heard me right, there were a lot of TALKING in this movie. No more action packed mass slicing … no more slopping of fake blood. Just a lot of talking. The Black Mumba plotted her revenge by having lots of discussion and cheesy style talk — sounds like a corporate manager to me.

Here’s the list of disappointments I manage to observe :

- there were 2 Hattori Hanzo swords debuted in this movie (compared to only 1 in Kill Bill vol 1). And none of them killed anyone. A major turn off.

- Beatrix (Uma Thurman) survived a point blank shotgun blast. I’m pretty sure our Malaysian bank robbers wanted to know how the fuck did she manage to pull that stunt. Logic went wrong.

- Bill (the villain boss that is ..) uncannily resembled my car salesman. You know, the one who sold me Lorraine. He looked like someone who can’t kill a cat for no shit. Let alone being the leader of a killer squad. Bad casting.

- Beatrix’s child survived. Apparently, Bill kept her daughter all these while. That means, Bill knew she wasn’t dead. If she wasn’t dead, Bill would’ve made sure she was …. but apparently, that did not happen. Instead, Bill raised the child (whom he revealed at the end of the film - that he thought it belonged to the stupid guy she was about to marry) … and waited for her to plot her revenge. That’s very wise for a “murdering bastard”. Bad story planning.

- Gordon Liu appeared twice in Kill Bill. First appearance as the squad 88 leader (or something like that) … and second appearance as the old fart Pai Mei (who defied gravity). What the fuck? Were they out of cast or something? Or was it that Gordon Liu wanted to do some Eddie Murphy shits? Why don’t he act Bill as well? Again, bad casting.

- When the Budd guy poured some ice blended drink to Elle, he only poured like 1/4 full for each glass. But when the Elle bitch held up the glass to drink it, the content inside the glass magically becomes more than half full. It was a blatant mistake that could be spotted easily.

I can go on forever like this. The movie was a flop. Not even 10% as good as the first one. If you plan to watch this in the theater, don’t. Think about it, why they didn’t ban Kill Bill 2 like they banned the first one. Coz it’s a fucking soap opera … that’s why. Ugh.

Emily told me today that she wanted me to accompany her back to her hometown this weekend.

Aww man, I really don’t want to go back to Emily’s hometown. The place sucks. Each time I’m there, I will be basically turned into some dipshit mannequin that just sits around watching TV. The place’s boring, hot and full of kids. It’s worst than having to be sent to a prison full of gay lepers.

The last time I’m there, I was awaken by a stray roach in the middle of the night. Was sleeping soundly on the wooden floor when suddenly, I felt some itch behind at my back. My T-shirt’s kinda rolled up revealing my tits from extreme bad sleeping habit - so, I thought that the itch might have been caused by mosquitoes. With a fast reflex, I smacked at the itch spot, fully expecting a bloody mosquito eviscerated under my palm.

But no .. it was something bigger. Something with a moisty exoskeleton. Something that has hairy legs. And something the fucking stinks. Right, it was a cockroach, right in my hand. I immediately jumped up from my sleep and squealed like a pig that has just been scalded at it’s balls. My squealing was loud enough to aware Emily. Almost immediately, I fled out from the room dragging Emily along and scurried downstairs into the bathroom.

Emily kept asking me what’s wrong but I was too disoriented (still very blur from the sudden wake) to even respond. I quickly went under the shower (still dragging Emily along) and proceeded flush lots of water onto my head. I then yelled “Get the fucking shampoo ! Pour ! Pour !” while pointing on my head. I squatted down and Emily proceeded to emergency wash my hair frenzily without stopping.

I proceeded to let her wash my hair, repeated again and again, until I finally satisfied. While I was toweling dry my hair, Emily asked me again

“What happened ?”
“There’s a cockroach. It’s crawling on me when I was sleeping” [trembled with goosebumps]
“Then why do you need to wash your hair ?”
“I think it crawled up my hair … but I wasn’t sure. It sure stinks… I don’t know where the smell comes from…” [proceeded to smell hand]

I almost barfed. Again, I ran to a nearby sink and washed my hand repeatedly with a dishwash detergent. I swear I emptied almost half the content just to rid of the ammonium cockroach smell. Arrrghh .. the experience still haunts me today. That night, I slept with the lights on … and woke every 20 minutes or so to look around for cockroaches. Goddamn.

So, I can’t blame myself for not wanting to go back to Emily’s hometown. The roach incident was another addition to the list of reasons why I shouldn’t and wouldn’t want to go there. I do not meant any disrespect to my family in-laws but … let’s just say … I’m a very sick individual and I should be staying at home instead. Whatever.

P/S: I have a phobia against cockroach. If you smell like one .. you better get the fuck away from me and my blog.

I remembered I scored quite well for my composition in BM when I was schooling, but aren’t really sure about now after so many years stopped communicating with that language. I decided to translate my previous superficial entry into BM … and let me know how I would have scored.
Note: I use no dictionary (coz i don’t have one) and some of the words/vocab might be inaccurate. Feel free to correct me.
Note: Foreigners who doesn’t read BM, this is a direct translation of my blog entry on 2nd August.

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Pada suatu hari, setelah terasa sendiri sudah lama tidak pergi bersenam, saya bercadang untuk pergi berjoging di sekitar kawasan perumahan. Dengan pakaian Mizuno and kasut lari Nike ku, maka berlepaslah saya … berlari bagaikan johan. Kegembiraan tu … tiada bandingannya dan oh .. terasa unggul sungguh dapat menghirup udara segar sambil menghindirkan kerimat kotor. Saya memecut lalu sekumpulan gadis sekolah, dan melambaikan kepada mereka. Berlari lepas sekumpulan lembu sambil senyum … dan kemudian sekumpulan serigala orang tua … dan menunjukkan punggung. Ia merupakan hari yang indah. Tidak pernah saya terasa begitu rapat dengan planet Bumi. Pokok-pokok …. burung-burung…. dan jiran-jiran yang serba baik …. ahhhhh.

Apabila saya sedang berjongket di suatu selekoh, tiba-tiba, saya terasa diekori orang. Rupanya, sebuah motosikal sedang mengekori saya. Oleh kerana saya berasa tidak selesa dengannya, saya terus bersembunyi di belakang sebuah tong sampah besar … di lorong berdekatan sehingga saya pasti yang motosikal itu telah lenyap. Selepas itu, saya terus berlari secepat kongket mungkin ke arah yang bertentangan untuk balik ke rumah……

Ketika saya sedang meninggalkan lorong tersebut ke jalan besar, tiba-tiba, seorang lelaki melonjak entah dari mana. Lelaki itu berbadan besar seperti H-TigaKaliGanda … dan sedang bersengih bagaikan seekor kucing-bob. Amat jelas sekali, yang lelaki ini orang jahat, kerana ternampak tangannya memegang sebilah pisau durian. Dengan tidak membuang masa, saya terus berlari ke arah yang sebelah lagi … tapi, dihalang oleh satu lagi orang jahat yang berbadan besar ! Orang jahat yang kedua ini, bagaikan saiz Kingkong Bundy dan tangannya sedang memegang sebatang kayu yang besar. (jikalau anda tidak tahu siapa itu H-TigaKaliGanda atau KingKong Bundy, tolonglah .. pergi cari sebuah jamban yang berdekatan… taruk kepala anda ke dalamnya … dan pancur.)

Saya terperangkap ! Menampakkan muka 2 lelaki itu yang begitu bengis, saya rasa mereka bukan ke sini untuk berjabat tangan dan bersosial. Yang dapat saya buat ialah berharap .. supaya mereka bukan sepasang manusia homoseks yang laparkan lubang punggung dan sedang mencari mangsa …. ataupun orang jahat yang bertujuan untuk menyembelih orang baik dan kacak seperti saya.

Oleh kerana terperangkap dan tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa, saya terus teringatkan prosedur kecemasan yang saya terlajar dari TV — menjerit dengan sekuat hatinya. Apabila kedua penjahat tersebut bersedia untuk menerkam saya, tiba-tiba, saya terdengar bunyi denguran yang kuat. Tidak hairan, yang kedua penjahat juga tersempuk apabila terdengar bunyi tersebut dan keadaan ketika itu bagaikan terhenti.

Pada ketika itulah, saya ternampak sesuatu yang menyebabkan pengalaman ini susah dilupakan. Seorang lelaki .. bukan .. seekor anjing … bukan .. saya tidak pasti. Ia nampak macam separuh manusia dan separuh anjing dalam pakaian getah … yang sedang berdiri dengan gaya model bertelanjang Leonardo DaVinci. Tidak payah cakap, ketiga-tiga kami terus bengang - kerana tiada yang diantara kami tahu apakah gerangannya benda itu. Makhluk itu kemudiannya berjoget dengan perlahannya ke arah kami … sehingga bayangan besarnya mengerhanakan segala cahaya dari arahnya.

Saya amat takut, kerana sudahlah dipaksa dirompak oleh kedua penjahat itu .. dan sekarang kenalah pula berdepan dengan raksasa anjing ini. Saya terus memejamkan mata dan berdoa supaya pengongket-emak itu akan mengakhirkan segala-galanya secepat mungkin …. dan tiba-tiba, saya terdengar suara orang bertitah :

“Lepaskan lelaki serba kacak itu”

Suara itu kepunyaan makhluk anjing itu. Dia tu tahu bercakap. Sejuk.

Salah satu daripada pengganas itu terus menghayunkan kayu besarnya ke arah muka manusia-anjing itu, tanpa melengahkan masa untuk memahamkan keadaan. Manusia-anjing itu membuka mulutnya and membahamkan kayu itu kepada 2 bahagian …. kemudian mengigit tangan KingKong. Aduh, gigitan manusia-anjing itu amatlah kuat, sehingga tangan KingKong berubah menjadi warna unggu.

Mujurlah, KingKong dapat melepaskan diri and terus lari lintang-pukang ….. tetapi lain pula dengan H-TigaKaliGanda. Dengan menggunakan pisau duriannya, dia cuba untuk menikam perut manusia-anjing itu tapi tidak berjaya, kerana kulit perutnya amatlah keras sekali. Manusia-anjing itu terus mengetawakan H-TigaKaliGanda macamlah butuhnya pendek bagai puting babi. “Ha ha ha. Mengeletarlah kamu semua di depan aku… anak kepada anjing betina engkorang !” teriak manusia-anjing itu … lalu terus melonjak ke atas H-TigaKaliGanda dan mengongketnya … sambil menjerit “Marilahh sayanggg… yaaaaaa”

Saya nyaris mati dihentak ketakutan … setelah ternampak kedua-dua penjahat tersebut dicabuli dan dirogol dek manusia-anjing itu, tanpa was-was. Selepas melakukan kesemua itu, manusia-anjing itu memberi pandangan malas kepada saya ..dan terus melenyapkan diri dari lorong itu. Apakah makhluk itu ? Adakah ia sejenis malaikat ? Saya tidaklah kongket tahu, apa yang saya tahu ialah makhluk itu telah menyelamatkan saya daripada dirompak penjahat. Pengalaman yang memang sukar dipercayai dan pelik.

Maka, baliklah saya untuk berjoging, balik ke rumah … menunjukkan punggung kepada orang-orang tua …. bersenyum kepada lembu-lembu …. dan melambaikan tangan kepada gadis-gadis sekolah ….. tiada hari yang lebih baik. Saya tidak akan berjoging lagi selama-lamanya.
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I was really hungry one night and barged into a nearby open air food court. That place used to be one of my favorite place - as it has a really big projector where me and my friends get to watch soccer matches on Saturdays while downing beers at the same time.

But it was all different when I went into the same place that night. Instead of a big projector screen, the space in front now houses a big stage. The environment was way darker than before … and there were cheap tarts with repugnant make-ups loitering around that area. The place had become an open air karaoke whorehouse !

It’s a trend in Penang now - this karaoke whorehouse thing. It was a combination of karaoke, cheap hawker food and sex trade. Ingenuity of the local chinese entrepreneurs - they’ve just invented a brand new breed of sex trade without really having to pimp for business.

How ? You see, the food court management will actually renovate the foodcourt place to look like a pub, while still maintaining the hawker stalls around. Then, they install a big stage in front of the area, hire a few housewives from a ghetto fishmarket (coz they’re dirt cheap) and make them sing in front of the patrons.

These housewives, are often overweight and fugly, with a poor taste of comma inducing voice. They can’t really sing but they do that for the sake of earning (it of course earns better than cutting fish in wet markets). The main trick was their skimpy dress - fishnets, corsets, low cut blouses, miniskirts full of holes … you name it, they’ll wear it. Their target consumer ? Middle aged or old codgers that was either :

1) too ugly/stupid to get a fuck partner
2) too low life to have anything to do at home

Those old bunch of blokes would hang out in that place for hours, slamming overpriced beer into their oversized pot belly and cheering for those lopsided cunts. They practically get excited over anything on stage with skimpy dress so, there’s no issue of losing appetite here. Heck, if you were to put a rabid dog on that stage, no shit some of them would even volunteer to pork it.

In order to get those spastic sluts to come down from stage to sit on their table (an interface to strike some sex deal), these old guys will have to buy a small cup of “wine” to “treat” the ladies. It costs approximately 8 bucks (that’s USD 2) per small cup and was good enough to buy them some time to flirt with the singer. If they fail, buy again. It was a rip off needless to say, as those cups of “wine” aren’t really wine. They are just cups of chrysanthemum tea mixed with water.

It was an ugly sight there - having to see the worst type of wrinkled ah bengs flirting around with the worst looking coarse voiced ah lians in the same place. These people aren’t the educated type. They spit everywhere they go … and shout like ruffians when they get excited. They are the animal equivalent of diseased sewer rats and they have sex in dumpsters.

I almost barfed my brains out at that moment, but I have no choice but to dine there as I was damn hungry. I ate a bowl of tomyam … but it felt as if I’ve taken a bowl of pig shits … I felt so dirty. So ‘trespassed’. So decadent. So fucked-up-like-drliew’syoyo…… I can’t forgive myself for dining at an abysmal place like that. Damn … I failed my Pendidikan Moral.

Realizing that I haven’t been exercising for sometime, I decided to have a jog around the neighborhood one fine day. I slipped in my Mizuno outfit and my Nike running shoes - and off I go - running like a champ. Nothing could describe my jovial mood at that time and oh it felt so great to filter the fresh air while sweating the filth away. I ran past a group of schoolgirls and waved. Ran past a herd of cows and smiled. Ran past a pack of wolves old people and flashed. It was a fine day that day. Never had I felt so close with the planet Earth before. The trees … the birds … the wonderful neighbors…. ahhhh.

Well, as I capered around a corner happily, I suddenly realized I was being followed. A motorcycle was following me from behind. Sensing something not right, I ran to an alley attempting to shake off the motorcycle. I crouched down behind a big dumpster until I am sure that the motorcycle was gone. Then, I took a detour off the other end of the alley to get the fuck out of the place (before the motorcycle comes back).

As I was about to exit the alley into the main street, suddenly, a guy jumped out of nowhere. He was about the size of Triple H … and was grinning like a bobcat (I copied this from a lyric). Obviously, he was up to no good as I can see he was holding a durian knife. Without delay, I tried to flee back at the other end of the alley … only to be cornered by another big guy ! This second guy, he was about the size of Kingkong Bundy and was holding a big club ! (if you do not know who’s Triple H or Kingkong Bundy, please … go find a nearest toilet bowl .. put your head into it … and flush.)

I was trapped ! Now, from the way the 2 unknown brutes look, I don’t think they’re here to shake my hand and socialize. I was hoping for the worst not to happen - that they’re not actually anus hungry homosexuals that was randomly looking for their next victim ….. nor thugs that intended to mutilate some innocent but good looking guy like me for fun.

Cornered and outwitted, I was left with no choice, but to resort to the last survival option that I have learnt from TV …. I gave out a blood curdling scream. Just as the 2 scoundrels got themselves ready to pound on me, suddenly, I heard something growling, very loud. Of course, the loud sound staggered the 2 brutes as well and everything seems like frozen for a moment there.

That was when I saw something that would make me remember for the rest of my life. A man … no … a dog … no no … I’m not sure. It’s a half man half dog creature in a rubber suit … stood nearby posing like a Leonardo Davinci naked model. Needless to say, all the 3 of us were dumbfucked - as neither of us have an idea what the hell was that thing. It ambled steadily towards our direction.. until the shadow from it’s XXXL silhouette towers over us.

I was definitely scared shitless, for I was already being mugged by 2 thugs and now I have to deal with this dog monster shit. I had to shut my eyes tight - praying that those motherfuckers would end it all real quick ….until I heard a cool voice bellowed

“let go of the good looking gentleman … ”

It was that man-dog. He talks. Cool.

One of the brutes didn’t spend another second to comprehend and started to swing his club towards the man-dog’s face. Man-dog opened it’s mouth (muzzle actually) and snapped the club into 2 piece … and started to bite on KingKong Bundee’s hand. Boy, he bit KingKong so hard that his hand turned purple.

KingKong managed to wriggle free and flee … but Triple H decided to try his luck. Using his durian knife, he tried to stab man-dog’s stomach but fuck his stomach skin was so tough, man-dog practically stood there ridiculing the thug as if his dick was as short as a pig’s nipple. “Ha ha ha .. tremble before me you son of a bitch. ” And the man-dog proceeded to hump the shit out of Triple H… while yelling frantically “Cmon bebeh .. yesssss”

It scared me to death … for I witnessed the 2 brutes being desecrated and ravaged by that beast, indiscriminately. After he had done all that, it kinda gave me a lazy gaze and fled the alley. What is that thing ? A guardian of some sort ? I don’t fucking know but, for sure, it actually rescued me from getting mugged. What an unbelievable and bizarre experience.

I continued to run back to my home after that …. flashing to the pack of old people … smiled to a herd of grazing cows … and waved to a bunch of schoolgirls …. day couldn’t have been better. I would never jog in my life ever again.

*this entry is superficial … if it isn’t that obvious to some of you guys. I’ve got nothing to blog so … I made up one.