Archive for August, 2004

August 11, 2004

what’s happening ?

I don’t know what had happened – I kept seeing weird stuffs for the past 24 hours.

Last night, after getting disconnected again from the internet for 3 million and 27th times, I decided to stop surfing and watch the TV instead. Sex and the City. Albeit I didn’t really like SarahJessicaFucker (because I think she looks like a she-male), but it was quite an entertaining show. I was enjoying the show for about 10 – 15 minutes through, until suddenly, something flew into my apartment (through the balcony).

It was about the size of a crow, and was dark in color. It flew through my living room into my dining room, and flew back, then repeated the whole route. Basically, it was flying in an ellipse manner… round and round. After it flew past me for the second time, I managed to catch a glimpse of what it really was. It was a bat. Bats are cool animals. I like them.

Emily, who was talking on her cellphone at that time, went aghast and gave out a shriek of horror. I, in turn, was astonished by the beauty of the animal and was kinda admiring the nocturnal creature taking it’s tour flight around my apartment.

“Oh my goddd… eeeekk eeeeekkk eeeeekk hweeeeek !!!”
“Be silent dear. You might scare the cute fella”

After it flew for about 3 rounds, it bailed out through the balcony… and disappeared into the night. That was the first time a bat ever flew into my apartment… and I don’t think it’s normal. Maybe it was here to promote the new upcoming Batman movie… or maybe, it’s trying to foretell me of something.

Fine, then this morning, while I was out having my breakfast with Emily (I’m not working today, by the way), I saw this really weird kid. A girl about 7 years old, and she was with her father. The father, was actually busy talking to another friend, while this kid was busy playing by herself. Well, I was not sure if what she was doing is rightfully deemed as ‘playing’ because it wasn’t any normal stuff that kids ‘play’.

At first, she was just walking around and shouting. Then, it was a Bruce Lee cat-purr (I don’t know why, I kept encounter kids that has a deep fetish for Bruce Lee’s yell) and after that, she started to talk to herself. I do understand that some kids actually have that kind of ‘imaginary friend’ shit, but trust me, this was no imaginary friend shit. I think she could see dead people (or maybe some kind of invisible alien). She was like chatting with the air, and even danced by herself. Frankly speaking, she was damn freakish and not to mention damn annoying. Even Emily felt that too… she even quoted “Damn, that kid is annoying. Let’s beat her up.” Alright, I made that up, Emily’s not really that violent. And the weird kid’s father, was like playing deaf and blind about her daughter’s odd behavior.

Bloody hell. I don’t understand how some people can ignore their own kid’s eccentricity. I am very sure that the kid’s weird. And I seriously think that the father should do something about it… like giving her a hard spank before interrogating her who’s the invisible friend… or get her to a nearby psychiatric ward for treatment.

Ok, I then headed my way to the bank, because I needed to withdraw a couple of millions to feed the poor. While I was looking for a place to park Lorraine, I suddenly saw 4 blokes running in a very ardent manner – across the street in front of my car, jumped over the divider and a couple of them then sprinted on the right side of the pedestrian walkway. I quipped to Emily :

“That’s an Olympic spirit.”
“I think they’re chasing some snatch thief.”

Emily’s got a point – as chasing snatch thief is one of Malaysian’s favorite past time recently. It provides a comprehensive workout, plus, you get to be hero at the same time. It’s fast becoming a general hobby.

ICQ dork #1 : “So, what do you do during your free time ?”
ICQ dork #2 : “I collect stamps and occasionally, chase snatch thieves..”
ICQ dork #1 : “Cool ! I chase snatch thieves too. What a coincidence !”

But then, as I drove past the bunch of very fast guys, I realized that it wasn’t anything near what we thought it was. Those bunch of guys were actually chasing a chicken! Imagine that, the entire street almost interrupted to a halt watching those 4 guys chasing 1… freaking … chicken. In the middle of an urban commercial district in Penang (it’s Beach Street… actually). What the fuck ! I didn’t know chickens could snatch handbags… Somebody tell me the world is still right !

Once inside the bank, I was waiting for my queue number with Emily. An old lady suddenly walked up to the teller and inquired for something. They exchanged a few words and just as I decided to look somewhere else, the old lady began to nod her head in a groovy way. You know, her head / body bobbing up and down rhythmically… like a soul dancer – as if she’s body signaling to the teller “Yeah bebeh .. yeah”. She did it successively 3 times. I thought I had mistaken that move until Emily gave me a nudge and asked “Did you see that?? The old lady danced…”. I couldn’t explain why she did that. A bank’s definitely not an appropriate place to do that… if it’s not obvious enough – what more to see an OLD LADY doing that…

Alright, one must have thought that I must had seen the day… but no. After banking, I went across the Penang Bridge to fix Lorraine’s rattling door up. I was overtaking a Toyota Vios when suddenly (noticed that this word has been used repeatedly for quite a number of times in this post…), the driver wound his window down. I can see from my side that it was a middle aged guy with a lush mustache (who resembled the Mexican knife throwing villain in Desperado). He then stuck out his right hand, and put it up high above the air. Then, he started to rub his fingers together with his thumb, as if he’s ridding off some sticky substances from his fingers.

I was clueless on what he was actually doing at that moment, until I managed to drive my car ahead of his and saw it all. OMFG. I actually saw him shove his finger(s) inside one of his nostrils, and rigorously raped his own nose… then, he would rid his sticky and slimy boogers off by lifting his hands out high from the car window. (the science behind = strong winds would speed up the evaporation of moisture from his semi solid boogers, and reduces it’s adhesive property which in turn, makes it easier for him to dispose his boogers from his fingers). I felt so goddamn lucky not to drive behind his car, else, it would be a punishment just to clean up Lorraine for good.

So, what’s with all the weird things I encountered? Were they some kind of signs that the world is coming to an end? Or were they supposed to be sort of supernatural messages conveyed by some supreme being from outer space? If those were indeed messages, what were they trying to tell me? “We are weird”?

Oh please, if somebody knew what is happening, please tell me. Stop the madness already. [entering dementia state]

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
August 10, 2004

message from a lowlife

Received an ICQ message from an unidentified source at 10.09pm last night….

Whatever : bonjour

me : ?

Whatever : hello

me : ok .. hello

Whatever : adios

me : who are you ? some mexican fuck trying to pimp for online porno ?

Whatever : me is no mexican. n watch ur langue

me : watch my language ? like what ? fuck you ? get a life … pimp somewhere else

Whatever : i can’t believe it… malaysians…uncivilised!

me : at least we don’t randomly message out to someone they don’t know and PIMP IN SPANISH … or whatever shitty language you may have learned. Moron.

Whatever : i used only one word of spanish, in case you haven’t noticed… the others were french

me : yeah, that’s very smart indeed. Very civilized. Your mom is so proud of you. Tiu. (that’s “FUCK” in cantonese).

Whatever : so… u have blocked me. never mind…

me : Rest in peace.

Whatever : u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick! u r sick!

And this moron attempted to bomb my ICQ account with perpetual “u r sick!” message. What a loser. I ignored the bastard and hoped that he would get 1 fresh growth of genital wart for each sentence of “u r sick!” he sent me…

Oh, in case you feel like venting out your anger or frustration… and in need of some practice target to spew your profanities… feel free to message this guy at ICQ UIN 296882157.

Cyberspace morons, heed these messages :

– when you want to befriend someone, always get straight to the point. Communicate in English, be articulate. Cut the a/s/l shits.

– if the person refuses to talk to you, don’t bitch. If the person doesn’t understand your message, you suck. If the person doesn’t like you, fuck off.

– if you send a hate message or hate email out to the particular person, then he/she has all the rights to publish your email address, contact info and boner content in cyberspace… and has all the prerogative to cuss your entire family without respite.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | Comments Off
August 9, 2004


Sometime last week …

I was looking for my colleague Elbee, needed to get something done. There was no answer from his desk phone, so I called him at his cellphone. It went on unanswered. But just before the call went into the voice message, Elbee answered.

Elbee : “Errr…hello…”

Me : “Elbee! Michael chi peng.”
(translation : “Elbee! It’s Michael here”)

Elbee : “Errr … hamisu ?”
(translation : “Errr… what’s the matter ?”)

I noticed that his voice sounded a bit different. It was as if he was talking inside a metal box. It had this kind of weird echo / surround effect. I was curious about just where he was… and so, I took the initiative to find out

Me : “Elbee… lu tua toh lok ui?”
(translation : “Elbee… where are you now?”)

Elbee : “Errr… wa tua ti… errr… ha mi su boh ?”
(translation : “Errr… I’m now at… errr… what’s the matter actually?”)

From the way he responded, I managed to hard-guess that he was probably taking a dump inside a toilet booth.

Me : “Elbee… lu tua toilet si boh? heheh …”
(translation : “Elbee… are you inside the toilet? heheh…”)

Elbee : “Eh heh heh… ha mi su ?”
(translation : “Eh heh heh… what’s up ?”)

Me : “Hahah… an chua? pang sai song boh?”
(translation : “Hahah… how was everything? Are you having a great time taking your dump?”)

Elbee : “Heheh… hmmph..”

He was clearly paying attention on something else at that moment. Probably was working on a particular long piece of shit, trying to snip it off by contracting his anus hard.

Me : “Ok ler Elbee… ban ban pang. Pang liao, ka call wa… ok ?”
(translation : “Ok Elbee… take your time. Just call me once you finish dumping… ok ?”)

Elbee : “Hmmmpphh … erhh… ok… ”

Kinda wondered, why is it so hard for some people to multitask while taking a dump? I would usually bring along a book or my PDA for some games while taking my dump. Sometimes, I would even call up my friends to chat too… because dumping shit is a boring business.

My friend – Charles, he even brought along his portable disc player into the toilet, reading a copy of Gila-Gila at the same time (our local humor magazine, equivalent to Mad in US). It’s a good thing. Maybe Elbee’s capacity isn’t doing him justice…

So kids, heed this message by brother Michael — When you take a dump, always bring along your revision book… or a porn mag… or a Gameboy… or a foot massager. Just anything. According to some experts, it helps to train your brain how to multitask even in the most difficult situation – such as getting high defecating. (don’t ask me which expert).

Another community message brought to you by michaelooi.

michaelooi  | phonecalls  | Comments Off
August 8, 2004

the puke machine

My friend Animal now has a new name. PukeMachine. Why is that? Allow me to explain.

Last night, the BODs (Board of Directors… my camaraderie of best buddies) decided to come out to have a drink. Our friend Ronnie, was visiting from KL (another town) and we were kind of taking the opportunity to come out to romp. Initially, we were thinking of going to some hip club… but finally decided to settle at one of those slower pubs to just concentrate on chatting and drinking (dancing’s not our style anymore).

It was only all beer last night. Buckets after buckets of them. By the time we reached the 4th bucket, my friend Ronnie started his usual twaddling shit. He would talk about girls, about things that he himself didn’t understand and be a nuisance as usual, by challenging anyone in proximity to drink with him.

Most of us are already used to Ronnie’s style. We knew, that he’s only tough on cosmetic, but he is always the first to get unconscious from intoxication as he’s not much of a drinker. So, we always take his challenges with a pinch of salt. Well, except my friend Animal. He may be an accomplished accountant, but we think he’s a little bit slow on the intellectual side. The guy’s full of emotion and likes to ‘over-do’ things at times. Take for example, if we were to discuss something about changing a car’s engine oil, my friend Animal would go nuts and talk about some kind of V8 engine that runs on some kind of exotic belt that requires certain type of special oil. You know, to the stage where everyone would basically grow bored and have to change topic. You get the idea.

So, it was the same situation last night. We were just teasing each other with drinks for fun. It looked as if we wanted to get wild and destroy our liver – but we weren’t. It was just our usual way of romping and fucking around. But that sent the wrong message to my friend Animal. He REALLY thought we were determined to bust our livers last night. He went extreme when Ronnie playfully ridiculed him for being too emotional for his girlfriend.

That was obviously a blatant mistake – for we know Animal is a hypersensitive guy. Once he’s into something, he would never stop. As a result, he began to down beer after beer reciprocating Ronnie’s challenge. Ronnie, being as his usual self, would procrastinate and tried to fend him off with tonnes of bullshit excuses. It went on like this for almost the whole night, without anyone realizing that Animal was getting real inebriated from the excessive beer.

Then, came the defining moment of the night. Animal suddenly opened his mouth and some beige colored slop of viscous semi-digested food came jetting out onto the floor. It went like this – BWWWUUUEEEEKKKK!!!! I could tell it was a mixture of home cooked dinner (rice and some hint of meat… healthy diet) through my experience in handling alcohol victims. Alvin and Ricky, who were sitting the closest to him, immediately bounced out from the nuclear meltdown in a speed that was hardly believable. Everyone sort of like flabbergasted seeing Animal performing the barfing stunt.

His mouth was kept open for the whole few minutes and the broth of alcoholic mayhem continued to shoot out from his mouth. There were so much of it that it could even drown a couple of crocodile having sex. (alright, that was just an exaggeration… but you get the idea). He kept on barfing, until there was no more stuff to barf, and continued to barf out his stomach linings – of .. you know, those slimy stuff from your internal organs. It was a sight to behold.

The barfing finally stopped after a period of what seemed to be like an eternity, and he’d stay motionless with his mouth still open… which I reckoned he was waiting for something to come out (Ricky actually took a picture of that moment … I’ll see if I can get it posted up here). By that time, Alvin was clearly irked and began to remark something about him. One of the remarks that would register in our minds for many years to come :

“Damn it… Animal’s like a puke machine.”

That was how he got that new name. PukeMachine.
*he had to be dragged home after that, and barfed in the car through the journey…

Update: Here it is … the priceless moment … it will be a picture to be remembered for generations….

sebastian phua cheng boon

michaelooi  | rompings  | Comments Off
August 6, 2004

“Kill Bill: Vol. 2″ (2004)

I just watched Kill Bill volume 2, and I’m about to reveal how the movie fared compared to the first one. And there will be a lot of spoilers ahead. So, please… stop right here if you feel like discovering the movie yourself….

Alright, the first spoiler that I’m gonna reveal is — Bill dies at the end. Surprise!

Ok, seriously, Kill Bill volume 1 was one of the best American action movie I’ve ever seen. Kill Bill volume 2? Sucked big time. Not only it didn’t have much of its signatory fake blood but, the second installment has somewhat turned into some kind of a soap opera. Watching “Frazier” would’ve been much more entertaining than this movie. Goddamn… I felt so cheated !

Sacrificing my Friday night, got my snacks ready and was in my comfortable attire – and all I fucking got was a drama queen settling her score by TALKING. Yeah, you heard me right, there were a lot of TALKING in this movie. No more action packed mass slicing… no more slopping of fake blood. Just a lot of talking. The Black Mumba plotted her revenge by having lots of discussion and cheesy style talk — sounds like a corporate manager to me.

Here’s the list of disappointments I manage to observe :

– there were 2 Hattori Hanzo swords featured in this movie (compared to only 1 in Kill Bill vol 1). And none of them killed anyone. A major turn off.

– Beatrix (Uma Thurman) survived a point blank shotgun blast. I’m pretty sure our Malaysian bank robbers wanted to know how the fuck did she manage to pull that stunt. Logic went wrong.

– Bill (the villain boss that is…) uncannily resembled my car salesman. You know, the one who sold me Lorraine. He looked like someone who can’t kill a cat for no shit. Let alone being the leader of a killer squad. Bad casting.

– Beatrix’s child survived. Apparently, Bill kept her daughter all these while. That means, Bill knew she wasn’t dead. If she wasn’t dead, Bill would’ve made sure she was… but apparently, that did not happen. Instead, Bill raised the child (whom he revealed at the end of the film – that he thought it belonged to the stupid guy she was about to marry)… and waited for her to plot her revenge. That’s very wise for a “murdering bastard”. Bad story planning.

– Gordon Liu appeared twice in Kill Bill. First appearance as the squad 88 leader (or something like that) … and second appearance as the old fart Pai Mei (who defied gravity). What the fuck? Were they out of cast or something? Or was it that Gordon Liu wanted to do some Eddie Murphy shits? Why don’t he act Bill as well? Again, bad casting.

– When the Budd guy poured some ice blended drink to Elle, he only poured like 1/4 full for each glass. But when the Elle bitch held up the glass to drink it, the content inside the glass magically became more than half full. It was a blatant mistake that could be spotted easily.

I can go on forever like this. The movie was a flop. Not even 10% as good as the first one. If you plan to watch this in the theater, don’t. Think about it, why they didn’t ban Kill Bill 2 like they banned the first one. That’s because it’s a fucking soap opera … that’s why. Ugh.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off