Archive for August, 2004

August 16, 2004

breaking the silence

The other day, I saw something very disturbing on Animal Planet. Oh, that’s a channel by the way… it isn’t a real planet governed by animals. It revealed that some scientists have figured out how a bunch of whales communicate with each other. And then, I also came across something on the newspaper that said, an orang utan (or was it a monkey? I forgot) actually bitched about his aching tooth… and called for a dentist.

Damn scary isn’t it? We always thought that the emotionless animals we see everyday, are inert about basically everything. We thought that they only know how to sleep, eat and respond to emergencies (like shitting). But little do we know that those animals can actually ‘talk’ in their own language.

From the documentary show, I also learned that there is actually a group of dedicated scientists that work their asses off deciphering whales’ fart noises underwater, to study how do they communicate with each other. I could tell that it isn’t an easy job because I remember my mom used to make that kind of noises when I was a kid… and I could hardly understand her. But then, it might be a good thing for mankind, because if we’re able to communicate with animals, it would be more fun to cuss at them – since they are able to understand us. “Hey cow! How does it feel to have only one a big tit with so many nipples? hahahah!!”. (it would sound so stupid to say that to a cow that do not understand what you’re talking about).

Just kidding.

Being able to communicate with animals is actually a blessing. It makes us understand more about the living things on this planet. We won’t have to guess what the hyenas are laughing about… or study why the chickens cross the road. All we need to do is ask.

Of course, there are also cons of being able to communicate with animals as well. By bestowing those critters an ability to communicate with humans, we practically risk the danger of giving up our dominance of this planet. By having the ability to communicate/read, animals will become more intelligent… they’ll learn about science, and our history… and soon, be able to use a computer. Once they have the access to computers, practically, they’re not much different from our bosses and politicians… that’s when we humans should be worried about our existence on this planet.

If you’re still unable to imagine the boner we would be in, imagine this — the girl behind the nick in your ICQ list might be a camel or a skunk. How’s that? Be very scared.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
August 15, 2004

rating

I really think that it is important for sites to have a rating, you know, to actually part between the good and evil… so that those who surf into a particular site have an idea what to expect based on the site rating.

I always wanted to give my site a rating, but I don’t really know how to do it myself – since I have been the one writing it myself.

So, hereby, I would like to ask for your help – please, rate my site. Just rate by percentage – whether it’s good or evil – accompanied with a short description why. Here’s an example :

“i would rate your site 98% Good, because you teach me stuffs that was not taught by mom”

or

“your site is 80% evil – because i think you are worse than freddy krueger.”

30% Evil is equivalent to 70% Good. Rate however way you feel like it, you get the idea. Be realistic and honest about it.

Just do it under the comments link below this post – since I am too lazy busy to run a poll.

I will average out the results, and put up a rating (based on the results) on my site at the end of the week. Cheers.

***
Update: the average result from the rating is – 62% evil. Cool.

michaelooi  | site stuff  | Comments Off

“The Village” (2004)

*spoiler alert for the The Village. Read at your own discretion.

I watched “The Village” last night. What do I think of it? It was quite ok… although it didn’t turn out quite to be what I expected. The movie’s got a horror taste, but it wasn’t really a horror movie. Just like yourself kneading a pair of fake tits. It felt soft and tender like real ones… which was good, but in fact, you’re actually kneading a bag of silicone. Something like that.

The plot’s pretty simple. It was about a group of people who got pissed with the society so much, that they decided to move into a privately owned forest reserve (which belonged to one of the rich members whose rich dad got murdered by some villains). They built a village deep inside the forest isolating themselves from civilization… and made up some fictional shit about monsters that lurk in the woods — all that to ensure their children wouldn’t leave the village.

How? Well, they have this borderline that separates the village from the woods. The imaginary monster (which was uncreatively called referred by the villagers as “Those we do not fuck or mess up with”) sort of made a mutual truce with the villagers not to cross the border to the opposite side, else, they would kill and rape all their livestocks… and then would turn the villagers into meatballs.

Cool eh? That’s where the suspense was. The audience were made to believe that the movie was all about monsters that lurk around in the woods to make the villagers’ lives miserable. But then, as I have mentioned above, all these monsters shit were made up by the elders in the village – so, there weren’t actually any real monsters in the flick. But there were a few scenes where the alleged fake monster made some appearances – which was actually acted out by one of the elders themselves. (and the latter one by one of the insane dude).

How did the fake monster look like ? It wasn’t elaborated in the movie. There was only one particular scene where the face of the fake monster was actually shown – and it was a wild boar mask with long fingernails. But I think it looked more like Splinter – you know, the giant mutant rat that taught the Ninja Turtles how to fight.

But then, interesting as it may be, I still have some comments about the movie’s storyline :

– the village was started out by a group of like… a dozen people. But inside the village, the population was like 50 – 100 (estimated). Does that mean, the elders have been fucking each other and reproduce like a bunch of horny rabbits?

– wouldn’t it be much easier to install a high voltage electric fence around the village to make sure that their children don’t loiter beyond the woods (instead of making up the monster stories)?

– ok, since the owner of the park was so rich, he could actually hire a few Banglas to act as those monsters full time… instead of depending on themselves, right? The Banglas need no mask nor long fingernails. Their face are scary enough… and their odor alone could cause hazard.

A lot of open ends … Definitely a disappointment to those who expected it to be a scary movie. But I kind of enjoyed it.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
August 14, 2004

attitude showdown

I was in the cinema ticketing counter today for an advanced booking for a show…

Me : “The Village 9.50 pm… for 6 person please.”

Bitch : [babbling something I couldn’t understand]

Bitch was the girl behind the ticketing counter. I couldn’t decipher a word she said because she spoke too fast in some broken English.

But that concerned me not as I could see from her body language that she was actually asking for confirmation on our seating.

Me : “Errr… I’d take that row… but for SIX person. You only have 5 seats selected there.” [pointing at the monitor screen]

Bitch : [shows acerbic expression as if I’ve killed her gay lover] “Is that all??”

Me : “Yes.”

Bitch : [speaking in an unfriendly tone] “Fifty four ringgit.”

I paid and left the counter. After I walked about 10 meters away, my wife Emily checked the tickets and figured something was not right. The tickets issued by the bitch was for a 5.20pm show, which wasn’t what we asked for. So, I took the 6 tickets back to the counter for an exchange.

Me : “Miss, you issued us the 5.20 pm show tickets, we asked for a 9.20 pm show”

Bitch : [grabs tickets] “You didn’t say 9.20 pm!”

Me : “I did, miss. Maybe you didn’t hear that… could you just change our tickets to the 9.20pm show?”

Bitch : “I confirmed your order on the screen just now, you should have bla bla bla… next time, don’t… bla bla bla …” [bitch bitch bitch]

Yes, she was turning the whole deal the other way round. She was trying to make it sound as if it was my fault and all that. That actually made my blood boil… that was when I realized Emily’s blood was already boiling way ahead of me…

Emily : “Hey! Are you for real?? I don’t recall you making any confirmation!”

Bitch : “Yes I did !! You guys should have … bla bla bla … bla bla bla !!!” [bitch bitch bitch]

My turn,

Me : “You absolutely DIDN’T. Just change the goddamn ticket already, and mind that attitude of yours.”

Bitch : “I DID !! I was bla bla bla … and bla bla bla …” [bitch bitch bitch]

Me : “Look bitch, it does not matter now. Now, are you going to change the fucking ticket or are you going to continue bitching about it??”

Bitch : “I’m not the one that is arguing here, you’re the one who wanted to…”

I did not let her finish her sentence. I pointed at her with my index finger, and showed her a really nasty face,

Me : “I am asking you again – are you going to change the fucking tickets??”

Bitch : “Yes I am.”

Me : “Good, just shut the fuck up and do it already.”

And she reluctantly followed my instructions. Too bad she looked like a wild hog crossed with an albino ape, else I would have asked her to suck my dick.

Bitch : “Here are your tickets SIRRRRRR and thanks for arguing” [bitch look on her face]

That was supposed to be sarcastic or something, but it was a lame effort.

Me : “Thank you bitch”

If I’m still in my wild years, I would have escalated that attitude showdown to her manager on the spot. Or probably forced my way behind the counter and kicked her groin. Young girls nowadays have no manners and deserve to be flat chested for the rest of their miserable life.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
August 12, 2004

patriot or not?

You and I have seen it. They’re everywhere. Those flags that adorn our local automobiles on the month of August. Some would stick one on top of their windscreen, some would stick several of them around their cars. Heck, some would even drape a big one across their hood.

So, what’s with all these sudden flaunt of patriotism? Of course, we Malaysians know that it’s because we’re celebrating the National Day. Those flags are suppose to show everyone that we’re patriotic. That we’re proud to be Malaysians. That we love our country and are proud to live here. Yeah right.

These patriots, apart from decorating their car with flags, would also throng onto the streets on the National Day eve… shouting and screaming… jamming the traffic… racing and shits. They’re celebrating real hard because they feel like being patriotic. And they would stand for hours on Dataran Merdeka to watch the colorful parade with their family, and then leave heaps of burger wrappers on the street everywhere – to show everyone that they buy Malaysian goods – that’s so patriotic.

As if it’s still not patriotic enough, these patriots would also paint some graffiti behind our public lavatory doors, complimenting their friends and writing love poems … to show that they’re not illiterate, and that they’re thankful of being able to study freely in this country. Their mothers would be so proud of them.

Having said all that, I guess I don’t have to explain how do I really feel about these attention seeking shenanigans. As you can see, being a patriot isn’t just about whoring for attention using a flag. It’s far more than that …

I do not know how to be a patriot because I’m never one myself – but at least, I know how to appreciate the environment and be considerate. I have never littered anything out of my car window nor vandalized any public property before … and I always aim my dick straight whenever I take a leak at public toilets. It’s a simple thing to show how you care. (alright, I’ve vandalized my discipline teacher’s motorcycle before… but that was not a public property so, my claim still stands…)

We can see that there are a lot of ‘patriots’ out there hanging flags, but unfortunately, none of them are for real. I still see people littering about… toilets getting vandalized … handbags getting snatched… people barfing in public places (PukeMachine)… people stealing manhole covers, cars, electric cables, railway tracks, undergarments … etc. And yet, they have the audacity to claim that they’re patriots.

Patriot my ass.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off