Archive for August, 2004


August 24, 2004

random conversation

My ICQ blinks again…

mode : “hi”

me : “hi”

mode : “what city”

me : “i’m from alabama, i screw black chicks and smoke marijuana….”

mode : “you speak arabic”

me : “i speak english, tamil and cantonese. english - how are u. tamil - ohne savadi ke porlek. cantonese - tiu nia seng. but i don’t speak arabic.”

mode : “are you visit egypt”

me : “i have never been to egypt. I heard they have mummies there. ”

The guy never replied. Maybe he’s afraid to even mention the word “mummies”. Coz they are cursed. And curses aren’t cool. They make your hair suffer from split ends and look less attractive.

*translation
ohne savadi ke porlek = You’ll know it when I kill you (in tamil)
tiu nia seng = Fuck you ..or something (it’s a profanity in cantonese, often used as an exclamation function)

#  | michaelooi | conversation | Comments Off

IT my ass

*I think I blogged about this before…. but then, it happened again today… so, I blogged for another time..

The IT team is at it again. Goddamn motherfuckers. Hell, they’re so stupid that calling them a pig would be an insult to the pigs.

Why ? Here’s why. Today, one of our lab computers was infected with a very dangerous virus, which could make our monitors explode and clog up the sewer system. The IT team, needless to say, realized that … and immediately reacted.

What did they do ? Instead of cleaning up the virus, they sent a lot of mails.

1) sent an email to their boss to inform him that one of our lab computers was infected with the deadly virus.
2) sent an email to US headquarters to alert them we have a virus here.
3) sent an email to my boss, that we have a virus in our lab, need to find out which.
4) sent an email to all the lab users, to look for the purported virus infected computer. They gave us an IP address and a network ID.

Fine. We complied and found the network point alleged to be connected to the infected computer. But by the time we did that, they’ve already escalated the issue to the vice president level… and they are asking us to provide a written statement - WHY ONE OF OUR COMPUTER WAS INFECTED WITH A VIRUS ? And before we manage to even clean up the infected system, we start to receive droves of emails asking for an explanation for the infection.

The situation suddenly went chaotic and everyone became paranoid about ONE FUCKING COMPUTER INFECTED BY A FETID VIRUS. As if they’ve never seen a virus before. Hello ???? It’s the same thing clings up inside your ass.

I mean, what the fuck is this all about ?? They’re putting the blame at us end users for the virus infection. As if it’s our fault. How the hell could that be ? What the fuck can we do if a virus decide to invade our PC ? We update our virus definitions daily and patches the stupid Operating System everytime the moon goes full. What else did we do wrong ? Ma kanneh. I really could not understand.

Then what does the spastic IT team do ? Scratching their balls sending emails ? Maybe, one may lambaste me for lack of understanding, ok fine. But shouldn’t the IT team be the one who’s responsible to secure our network system ? If yes, then why are they asking my team to answer this question - WHY DID THE VIRUS INFECT OUR PC ?

This is not right. Definitely not right.

#  | michaelooi | rage | Comments Off
August 22, 2004

“The Sisters”

Went to watch that Thai horror movie - The Sisters - last night. It was a nice one, albeit the story’s a bit lame.

Well, it was about a prostitute (whom in my humble opinion, looked like a transvestite) who was murdered by one of her customers when she was on her routine whoring activities one night. The guy who murdered her, tortured her a whole deal lot before beheading her. The psychotic dude then tied her head up inside the air con duct, while leaving her body under a bed in a hotel room. And a very angry ghost was born - the one that was even bolder than a poltergeist and with an incorrigible hatred for males.

The grisly murder scene was very realistically done. The blood color was unbelievably real, and that piece of head doesn’t look plastic at all. Nice.

The story then proceed to focus on a group of youths, probably a rock band or something, who rented the same hotel room many months (or years) later. I took no notice of the time, as there’s a motherfucker who sat so upright in front of me that his big stupid head blocked almost half the script (it’s a Thai movie, I had to read the scrip to understand).

As expected, the group was damn unlucky to discover that they have a transvestite looking ghost up inside the air con duct and sometimes, under their bed. Quite exciting. And soon, each of them start to die one by one .. each in their own freakish way, just like the movie Final Destination - only that their ambassador of death is a transvestite looking female ghost - who’s not very coy in nature .. and would not hesitate to show her awful face in the public.

The real credit in this movie was the death scenes, which was very realistic. Real blood is not actually red - but dark maroon with slight yellowish hue when it is being smeared. The design of the ghost ? Not bad. It uses the usual Asian elements in the art of ghost making. You know, plenty of green lights… long hair … white robes, rags, etc. The only thing that they’ve added was the eerie looking contact lenses …plus some red veins around the ghost’s face - to add more ferocity to it’s face. Then there’s a ghost kid that would do occasional stray haunting, but he’s just a static fuck and does no real harm. Then there’s the other ghost sister, who made only less than 5 minutes worth of appearance in the movie - she looked like Natalie Portman in her younger years.

It wasn’t a very scary movie, but still quite nice.

Highlight during the experience of watching this movie :

- there’s an idiot in front of me who sat damn upright that he blocked most of the script during the movie. I’m not too sure what’s his problem but, it was sure hell annoying. I almost wanted to throw pieces of ice on his head to hint him but, I ran out of ice.

- there’s a giant blimp next to me that stinks. He smelled like a wet dog and always adjust his position. Each time he does that (adjust his position), the entire row of seats will shake like an earthquake (because he’s too fucking heavy). I can’t give him an elbow coz he’s a very big person, the type that nobody should mess with. I left him alone.

- there were 3 girls behind my row, that always shrieks throughout ‘almost’ the entire movie. They would occasionally go “eeeeek !!!”, “eee-yeeerrr !!!”, “arrrrhhhh !!” and sometimes, some jerking due to the surprise elements in the movie. Oh goddamn, it was so fucking funny. But they didn’t make it till the end, about halfway through the movie, they decided to quit and abandon the cinema. The 3 girls quickly squirmed out from their seats and fled the cinema while one of them still ee-king. It triggered a massive laughter inside the cinema when they skedaddled across the cinema hall like a bunch of timid mice.

But one thing, the movie was shown in a home video format - coz it wasn’t in wide screen format. What the fuck.

Word of the day : Ee-Yerrr. (coz I heard this word for like, 2 million times ? throughout the movie..)
An expression that tells other people that you’re very freaked.

#  | michaelooi | movies | Comments Off
August 21, 2004

jason’s near death experience

*once upon a time…

Me, Jason and an Indian lady was inside a descending elevator. It was all quiet inside, when Jason suddenly broke the silence. He spoke to me in hokkien…

Jason : “dude … ”

Me : “yeah ?”

Jason : “did you smell that ?”

Me : “smell what ?”

Jason : “the lady… she stinks”

I took a glance at the lady, she looked back at me, then at Jason. (he’s facing the control panel, the lady’s standing behind him, i’m standing opposite them)
As I’m a (very) smart person, I managed to figure out that the indian lady actually understands hokkien… and probably can speak them well too. Instead of joining Jason to scoff the lady, I tried to steer my friend away from getting into the ominous conversation.

Me : “errr… i didn’t smell anything. Just shut up ok ?”

Jason : “no man .. I’m serious. She fucking stinks… kanneh.”

I took another look at the lady, her eyes were almost popping out from her socket. Her face was portending evil and i can tell she’s about to explode. Instead…

Jason : “heheheh… kanneh… please ler.. when i tell you that, don’t turn back to look. She might notice that we’re talking about her…”

Me : “look man, i think you should just shut up.. ok???”

I was trying to hint him up that he’s in great danger, but Jason wasn’t really a bright person, and it’s not surprising he’s not getting it. (he looked a bit like Jack Black)

Jason : “did you see her face ? man, she even has a beard … maybe she’s a transvestite ? a stinking transvestite heheheh .. ”

There were smokes coming out from the lady’s nostril .. I can tell she was fuming mad and felt very miserable at the same time.

I just kept quiet. I have no more intention of saving my friend anymore. I sort of gave up and instead, consented the lady to do whatever she wants to Jason. Rape him, kill him or whatever. I’ll just play dead. Jason the dork kept laughing and ridiculing the indian lady until our floor stops - to which ..I instantly jumped out from the elevator without looking to the back.

Fortunately, the lady did not do anything to Jason. Not even a verbal confrontation. Jason was very lucky. He could have gotten himself killed easily by labeling her as a “stinking transvestite”. When I told Jason later about the situation, his face immediately turned pale and livid looking.

Lesson learnt : thou should never insult anyone unless you’re abso-fucking-lutely sure that… he/she’s not around.

#  | michaelooi | escapades | Comments Off
August 19, 2004

i need to release

- I think my brain is malfunctioning. For the last 12 hours, it has been spewing anti-love sentiment propaganda to the rest of the cells in my body. I believed that my cells are defecting themselves into independent single celled microorganisms. Those rebel cells would then riot against my body and scatter themselves free, disintegrating my overall mass into particles. Then, I would cease of my existence and never get to enjoy sex in my life ever again…

- My ex-zombie boss made me hate everyone today. Including girls. Security guards. Dogs. Mynah birds that had a diarrhea on my car. I so goddam hate everyone today. My workplace suddenly looked like a behemoth Nazi concentration camp that was erected to torment both my physicals and psyche. And I am one of the miscreants that work in that unfortunate place. My work is to torture people and being tortured. It was all sickening and a disgrace.

- Those heelys. THey are damn annoying. It is so unnatural to have your feet tilted in an angle like that and glide to hit the wall. If evolution can happen overnight, I bet kids with those heelys will evolve to have a leg that shaped like a kangaroo’s. A kangaroo with a flat face and couldn’t jump. With a pair of ridiculous looking sneaker with wheels.

- If sports is all about getting physical, and Olympic is all about sports, then why the fuck do they have shits like “shooting” in the Olympics ? What does shooting has to do with sports ? Exercising your fingers ? Promoting the use of guns ? I bet that wanking can burn even more calories than shooting … they should have made wanking an Olympics event instead. At least it doesn’t promote violence.

- I don’t understand why some people love to litter paper towels into the wash basin. There’s a big waste container nearby and they would not use it. Instead, they would throw their used papers and stuffs into the wash basin - clogging everything up, downing the entire restroom till they have nowhere to poop. And the process would repeat for years … Some people just do not deserve to breath at all.

- If there’s indeed such thing as God, I wish that he would grant me a wish - that I would never ever meet another stupid boss again in my life. I have a new dotted line boss - and he is the successor of Rob. He’s a sleazebag and as ugly as a big blob of amoeba. You practically can’t differentiate between his ass and his face. He ought to be paper shredded and fed to the dogs.

- What’s wrong with Alannis Morisette ? Her mouth’s too big. So big that I think it can fit 20 rhinoceros’ dick in it. Then she got these saggy boobs, wrinkled face and looked like a transvestite with a face-polio. She can’t sing for shit, can’t dance and even William Hung would spat at her. And yet she’s a superstar - what’s wrong with you people ?

#  | michaelooi | rage | Comments Off