Archive for August, 2004

August 24, 2004

IT my ass

*I think I blogged about this before…. but then, it happened again today… so, I blogged for another time..

The IT team is at it again. Goddamn motherfuckers. Hell, they’re so stupid that calling them a pig would be an insult to the pigs.

Why? Here’s why. Today, one of our lab computers was infected with a very dangerous virus, which could make our monitors explode and clog up the sewer system. The IT team, needless to say, realized that… and immediately reacted.

What did they do? Instead of cleaning up the virus, they sent out a lot of mails.

1) an email to their boss to inform him that one of our lab computers was infected with the deadly virus.
2) an email to US headquarters to alert them we have a virus here.
3) an email to my boss, that we have a virus in our lab, need to find out which.
4) an email to all the lab users, to look for the purported virus infected computer. They gave us an IP address and a network ID.

Fine. We complied and found the network point alleged to be connected to the infected computer. But by the time we did that, they have already escalated the issue to the Vice President level… and they were asking us to provide a written statement – WHY ONE OF OUR COMPUTERS WAS INFECTED WITH A VIRUS? And before we managed to even clean up the infected system, we started to receive shitloads of emails asking for an explanation for the infection.

The situation suddenly became chaotic and everyone became paranoid about ONE FUCKING COMPUTER INFECTED BY A FETID VIRUS. As if they’ve never seen a virus before. Hello???? It’s the same thing clings up inside your ass.

I mean, what the fuck was that all about?? They’re putting the blame on us end users for the virus infection. As if it was our fault. How the hell could that be?? What the fuck can we do if a virus decides to invade our PC?? We update our virus definitions daily and patches the stupid Operating System every time the moon goes full. What else did we do wrong? Ma kanneh. I really could not understand.

Then what does the spastic IT team do? Scratching their balls sending emails?? Maybe, one may lambaste me for the lack of understanding, ok fine. But shouldn’t the IT team be the one who is responsible to secure our network system?? If yes, then why are they asking my team to answer this question – WHY DID THE VIRUS INFECT OUR PC??

This is not right. Definitely not right.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
August 22, 2004

“The Sisters” (2004)

Went to watch a Thai horror flick last night titled “The Sisters”. It was a nice one, albeit the story’s a bit lame.

It was about a prostitute (whom in my humble opinion, looked like a transvestite) who was murdered by one of her customers when she was on her routine whoring activities one night. The guy who murdered her, tortured her a whole deal lot before beheading her. The psychotic dude then tied her head up inside the air conditioner duct, and left her body under a bed in a hotel room. And a very angry ghost was born – the one that was even bolder than a poltergeist and with an incorrigible hatred for males.

The grisly murder scene was very realistically done. The blood color was unbelievably real, and that piece of head didn’t look plastic at all. Nice.

The story then proceeded to focus on a group of youths, probably a rock band or something, who rented the same hotel room many months (or years) later. I took no notice of the time, as there was a motherfucker who sat so upright in front of me that his big stupid head blocked almost half the script (it was a Thai movie, I had to read the scrip to understand).

As expected, the group was damn unlucky to discover that they have a transvestite looking ghost up inside the air con duct and sometimes, under their bed. Quite exciting. And soon, each of them began to die one by one… each in their own freakish way, just like the movie Final Destination – only that their ambassador of death was a transvestite looking female ghost – who was not very coy in nature .. and would not hesitate to show her awful face in the public.

The real credit in my humble opinion, went to the death scenes, which were very realistic. Real blood is not actually red – but dark maroon with slight yellowish hue when it is being smeared. The flick complied that realistically. The design of the ghost? Not bad. It used the popular Asian elements in the art of ghost making. You know, plenty of green light… long hair… white robes, rags, etc. The only thing that they had done differently was the eerie looking contact lenses… plus some red veins around the ghost’s face – to add more ferocity to its face. Then there was also a ghost kid that would do occasional stray haunting, but he was just a static fuck and did no real harm. Then there was the other ghost sister, who made only less than 5 minutes worth of appearance in the whole length of the movie – who looked like Natalie Portman in her younger years.

It wasn’t a very scary movie, but still quite nice.

Some highlights when I was watching this movie :

– there was an idiot in front of me who sat damn upright that he blocked most of the script during the movie. I was not sure what was his problem but, it was sure hell annoying. I almost wanted to throw some ice cubes on his head to hint him but, I ran out of ice cubes.

– there was a rank blimp sitting next to me that smelled like a wet dog and always adjust his position. Each time he did that (adjust his position), the entire row of seats would shake like an earthquake (because he was too fucking heavy). I couldn’t give him an elbow because he’s about the twice of my size, exactly the type of person that nobody should mess with. I left him alone.

– there were 3 girls behind my row, that would shriek throughout ‘almost’ the entire movie. They would occasionally go “eeeeek !!!”, “eee-yeeerrr !!!”, “arrrrhhhh !!” and sometimes, some jerking due to the shock elements in the movie. Oh goddamn, it was so fucking funny. But they didn’t make it till the end, about halfway through the movie, they decided to quit and abandoned the cinema. The 3 girls quickly squirmed out from their seats and fled the cinema while one of them still ee-king. It triggered a massive laughter inside the cinema when they skedaddled across the cinema hall like a bunch of timid mice.

But one thing, the movie was shown in a home video format – because it wasn’t in wide screen format. What the fuck.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
August 21, 2004

jason’s near death experience

*once upon a time…

Me, Jason and an Indian lady was inside a descending elevator. It was all quiet inside, when Jason suddenly broke the silence. He spoke to me in Hokkien…

Jason : “dude… ”

Me : “yeah?”

Jason : “did you smell that?”

Me : “smell what ?”

Jason : “the lady… she stinks”

I took a glance at the lady, she looked back at me, then at Jason. (he was facing the control panel, the lady was right behind him, I was diagonally where they were…)
As I’m a (very) smart person, I managed to figure out that the Indian lady actually understood the Hokkien dialect (which is not uncommon in Penang). Instead of joining Jason to scoff the lady, I tried to steer my friend away from whatever he wanted to say about the Indian lady’s body odor.

Me : “errr… I couldn’t smell anything. Just shut up ok?”

Jason : “no man.. I’m serious. She fucking stinks… I’m about to keel over.”

I stole another glance at the lady, her eyes were almost popping out from her socket. Her face was portending evil and I could tell that she was about this close to strangling my friend right there. And Jason just wouldn’t shut the fuck up…

Jason : “heheheh… and please man, when I tell you that, it’s probably good if you don’t turn to look at her. She might notice that we’re talking about her…”

Me : “look man, i think you should just shut up… ok???”

I was trying to hint at him that he is in great danger, but Jason wasn’t really a bright person, and it was not that surprising that he didn’t get it. (he looked a bit like Jack Black)

Jason : “Did you see her face? man, she even has some facial hair… [giggles] Could it be that she’s a transvestite? heheh a stinking transvestite… ”

There were smokes coming out from the lady’s nostril…

I knew the situation had escalated beyond help, so I just kept quiet after that. I gave up all effort to save my friend. In fact, I was preparing myself to play possum if Jason ever got assaulted by the Indian lady. Jason the dork kept laughing and ridiculing the Indian lady until our floor stops – to which… I instantly jumped out of the elevator without looking back.

Fortunately, the lady did not do anything to Jason. Not even a verbal confrontation. Jason was very, very, lucky bastard. He could have gotten himself killed easily just by that ‘stinking transvestite’ remark alone. When I told Jason later about the whole thing, his face immediately turned pale looking and he shook like a fucking chicken.

Lesson learned : thou shalt never insult anyone without first check if thou’s back is clear…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
August 19, 2004

i need to release

- I think my brain is malfunctioning. For the last 12 hours, it has been spewing anti-love sentiment to the rest of the cells in my body. I believe that my cells are defecting themselves into independent single celled microorganisms. These rebel cells would then riot against my body and scatter themselves free, disintegrating my overall existing mass into tiny individual particles. Then, I would cease of my existence and never get to enjoy sex in my life ever again…

– My ex-zombie boss made me hate everyone today. Including girls. Security guards. Dogs. Mynah birds that pooped on my car. I so goddam hate everyone today. My workplace suddenly looked like a behemoth Nazi concentration camp that was erected to torment mankind. And I am one of the miscreants that work in that unfortunate place. My work is to torture people and being tortured myself. It is one hellhole with everything in it.

– Those heelys. THey are damn annoying. It is so unnatural to have your feet tilted in an angle like that and glide to hit the wall. If evolution can happen overnight, I bet kids with those heelys will evolve to have a leg that shaped like a kangaroo’s. A kangaroo with a flat face and couldn’t jump. With a pair of ridiculous looking sneaker with wheels.

– If sports is all about getting physical, and Olympic is all about sports, then why the fuck do they have shits like ‘shooting’ in the Olympics? What does shooting has to do with sports? Exercising your fingers? Promoting the use of guns? I bet that wanking can burn even more calories than shooting… they should have made wanking an Olympics event instead. At least it doesn’t promote violence.

– I don’t understand why some people love to litter paper towels into the wash basin. There’s a big waste container nearby and they would not use it. Instead, they would throw their used papers and stuffs into the wash basin – clogging everything up, downing the entire restroom till they have nowhere to poop. And the process would repeat for years… Some people just do not deserve to breathe at all.

– If there’s indeed such thing as God, I hope that he would grant me this wish – that I would never ever meet another stupid boss again in my life. I now have a new dotted line boss – and he is the successor of Rob. He’s a sleazebag and as ugly as a big blob of amoeba. You practically can’t differentiate between his ass and his face. He ought to be paper shredded and fed to the dogs.

– What’s wrong with Alannis Morisette ? Her mouth’s too big. So big that I think it can fit 20 rhinoceros’ dick in it. Then she got these saggy boobs, wrinkled face and looks like a transvestite with a face-polio. She can’t sing for shit, can’t dance and even William Hung would spit at her. And yet she’s a superstar – what’s wrong with you people ?

michaelooi  | ramblings  | Comments Off
August 18, 2004

Revenge of the raging panther

Mojo steps into the train station slowly. His eyes are like a panther’s, beady with sharp vision, searching for the killer which he has been hunting for the past 2 years. This is suppose to be another tip from his friend, that he would find Baal here.

He walks for the next hour, but Baal is nowhere in sight. Could this be another mistake? Ahh, to hell with his friend – Mojo thought. In fact, he has gotten used with his friend’s phony tips, that he has basically learned how to live with disappointment. He then walks to a nearby abandoned railway platform, whips out his dick and start to drain his lizard – as what thousands have been doing at that local train station.

He is not even paying attention… when suddenly he slips his dick and accidentally slops his own piss all over his hands. “Mader Chod!” he cusses, while wiping his hands on his pants. At the same time, he suddenly catches a glimpse from the corner of his eyes – the shadow of someone familiar. Someone whom he has been searching for years… it is Baal!

Mojo quickly give chase, with his dick still dangling out whipping all over the place. He garnered himself so much attention with his unintentional flashing that it quickly alerted Baal about the danger he is in. Baal gives out a yelp and flees into the about-to-move train. With the very last ounce of his strength, Mojo manage to catch up with the moving train and dive-grab the nearest railing available. Still panting… Mojo begins to search coach after coach for his sworn enemy… with a vengeful mood.

When he arrives to the third coach, he suddenly hears a loud blood curdling scream of a woman’s – which appears to be a female pilgrim’s reaction when she sees his semi-dark dick protruding out of his unclosed barn door. He quickly zips his pants in embarrassment. That is when he notices someone sneaking past behind him, and he could sense, that it is Baal himself!

He quickly turns around and grabs Baal’s arm. Then he clenches his fist and gives Baal a hard punch on the face – DUSSSSSHHHHHH. The noise is so loud that it staggers some of the passengers and causes some of them jump out from the train… rolling away on the side of the rail track. Mojo pulls a second punch, but this time, Baal manage to duck in time and the punch strays onto a housewife’s face. Again, a loud sound reverberates across the crowded train carriage… DUSSSSSSHHHHH. The housewife blacks out. That was a punch that not even a cow can bear. A quick scuffle ensues and Baal manage to squirm himself free from Mojo’s grasp… and the villain climbs up to the roof of the train.

The real battle begins. A fight that is so dangerous, that even standing on top of the train alone… is already an insane stunt! Mojo climbs up and comes in face to face with Baal. That is when Baal let out a big cunning cackle

“Hah hah hah ha ha haa !! Mein teri maa ko teri bhen ki choot mein chodoonga aur tera baap laltern lekar aayega !”

Mojo replies ..

“Tere maa ko sau kutte chode – sau wa tera baap!”

A moment of silence after that. Both are locking at each other’s gaze and are building up their energy to settle the score. They remain like that for the whole 10 minutes, until Mojo feels the numb on his feet. That is about the time when Baal suddenly charges forward with his flying kick… and hit Mojo square on his chest. DUSSSSSSHHHH … the hit emits a sound so loud that it almost derails the train. Mojo was catapulted about 6 feet away from the spot he stood… feet still numb.

Baal, being a very evil person, wastes no time and pins the already fallen Mojo with his weight. He is like half sitting on Mojo and starts to punch him hard repeatedly on the head and face – BISSSH DUSSSSH BISSSSH DUSSSSH BOSSSSHHHH … it is a very sad scene. Mojo is bleeding very profusely on the head from the repeated pummeling. The situation seems dire for Mojo… when suddenly, a blurry image of an old lady emerges in his fading mind. It is his deceased mother… saying to him “Tere adha Nirodh mein rah gaya…”

The 5 words, like a boost of adrenaline, resuscitated his strength to fight again. With his new found strength, he blocks both of Baal’s swinging fists, and headbutts him right at his nose – DOOBBBBBB. Then a right hook on his face – DISSSHHHHHHH. Then a left hook – DUSSHHHHHHH. And finally he takes out his belt and swings at Baal’s face – SWISSHHHHHH. Baal becomes very weak from the several critical hit and pukes. Mojo then delivers the final death blow – the flying elbow – into Baal’s ribs and it goes DOORRRKKKK! Baal slips into a gap between the carriages of the moving train… and is crushed to death. CRACCKKK ! That’s Baal’s skull split open like a peanut shell.

Mojo kneels in victory and smiles triumphantly to himself. He has finally killed Baal and fulfills his promise to his dead mother, that he would never use a chainsaw to fight. Then suddenly, a girl with a knockout body climbs up onto the train roof and wipes the blood off Mojo’s forehead… and said “a/s/l pls …” Mojo finally finds a girl he likes and they start to sing and dance together… occasionally roll on the train top. And they live happily ever after.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off