I was in a meeting with a couple of my supplier today. They were here to discuss about some metrics performance (of their product) and also about some of the project I’m working on. One of them, was a lady from China — and I was suppose to brief her about the metrics.

As expected, she’s not proficient in English. That means, I have only 2 ways to communicate with her

1) sign language
2) speak lousy Mandarin

Since I don’t know sign language, I’ve got no choice but to speak to her in my Mandarin. Alright, I set off by presenting a few charts and shits like that - using Mandarin and some mix of languages. I wasn’t doing good until I got reminded that she actually speaks Cantonese - which is part of my daily language.

Alright, that means, no communication barrier now. I started to converse with her in Cantonese - very comfortably … until it was way “too comfortable”. Here’s the excerpt of what happened. (ignore the technical part as they’re not really important):

Vendor : “Lei hai kong …. koh ko [metrics] keh sou mok ?”
(translation : “are you referring to the [metrics] number ?”)

Me : “Mm hai…. ngo hai kong leng ngoi yat ko…”
(translation : “no… I’m referring to the other one …”)

Vendor : “Oh … kam … tiko [metrics] leh ?”
(translation : “oh … then…. what about this [metrics] ?”

Me : “Mm sai thai lor … kam siu….”
(translation : “no need to discuss about it … the number’s too small..”)

Vendor : “Oh … kei kou aa ?”
(translation : “oh … how high ?”)

Me : “Koh ko [metrics] ?”
(translation : “That [metrics] ?”)

Vendor : “Hai…”
(translation : “vagina” …. kidding …. it’s actually “Yes”)

Me : “siew ko yee sap ke ceh … TIUUUUUU”
(translation : “It’s only less than twenty … FUCK”)

Alright, if you still haven’t get what happened, I actually said “FUCK” in cantonese at the end of my sentence. TIU = FUCK (in cantonese). I usually say this at the end of each sentences that was meant to ridicule or mock my subject. Ask Kancil Killer that joined me for lunch today, and he’ll tell you how much this word TIU came up in our conversation. But that was for informal practice only.

Goddamn. I wasn’t actually planning to say that. This was suppose to be a formal meeting with my supplier, and needless to say, I’ll have to act noble. Man…. when I realized what I’ve said, I couldn’t help to laugh about the boner. I was suppressing myself real hard … until I’ll have to excuse myself from the meeting room in pretense of going back to my cube to collect something.

Damn … what had happened to me ? What next ? Omg … Profanities had corrupted my soul and spirit. I’ve got to find a way to purify back my personality. Perhaps consuming more cendol will help …….

When I came back to work in the office from my travel, i was confronted by Kim (one of my office’s lady clerk), who happened to be in Jude’s place.

Kim : “Hey michael, welcome back ! Bought anything for us ?”

Me : “Yes but, I lost all of them. Didn’t make it through the baggage service” [I lied]

Kim : “Oh you actually think I’m gonna believe that ? Please lah…”

Me : “Well, why ask if you already knew the answer ? heheh.. Eh, can you get me a stack of A4 paper ? Need it urgently”

Need those A4 papers to paste my receipts to file claims for my expenses. It’s super urgent needless to say.

Then out of the sudden, Jude jumps up from her seat and said

Jude : “No Kim. Don’t give him the papers. He’s evil”

Me : “Hey, funny hair ! Mind you own business ..”

Jude : “He did not buy us gifts, so, let’s ignore him…”

Me : “Eh, what happened to your hair ? Why orange colour ?”

One of my colleague Ted overheard our conversation and he got excited.

Ted : “Yeah … your head looked like a goldfish…”

Me : “Goldfish ? Naww.. more like saiseng”

Not sure what saiseng is called in English but, it’s a type of catfish that eats excrement. You’ll know it when you see her.

Ted : “Hahahahhhh ! Yeah .. now that you mentioned it …uncanny resemblance ”

Kim : [speechless.... laughing very hard]

Jude : “You can call me names … but still…no paper for you …”

Me : “Saiseng crossbred with puffer fish….”

Ted : “Man … that’s scary … wooooooo”

Jude : [face turns red...]

Me : “Smells like a fish, squeaks like a sewer rat.”

Jude : “Ok ok … stop… Kim, give him the papers.. quick !”

It’s another day of triumph of good versus evil….

Some people just don’t deserve to breath the air. Today I was in the hospital with Emily for some reason … and saw a group of housewives (10 - 12 of them) in tudung at the dispensary. Guess what they did ? They were scratching each other’s wrinkled boobs ………. …. kidding.

It’s actually much worst than that. They were sitting around facing each other … and were chatting loudly. God knows what they chatted about as nobody could really understand when 3 of them were talking at the same time. The place was as noisy as a market full of mating toads. And it’s suppose to be hospital for fuck’s sake.

Fine. Let’s assume housewives have special rights in our society to make a lot of noise wherever they want. But at that scene, there were at least 10 senior citizens and 3 pregnant ladies waiting … standing (Emily and I were standing too). Place was too congested and the screwed up hospital ain’t got enough chairs.

That swarm of housewives actually took up at least 20 seats, as some of them was about the size of 2 seats and some used the seat adjacent to hers as the place to put their handbags. I mean, come on, they’re already irrational for being noisy. They should have given up their seats for the elders and the needies … but instead, they took the liberty of organizing a daylight campfire party inside a hospital .. unabashed by their despicable acts.

They got carried away in their chat until it came to their turn to collect their whatever medicine (insecticides for infesting bugs in their pubic hair perhaps…). The dispensary nurse practically had to press for the queue number repeatedly 5 times, before she decided to shout out loud calling one of the housewives’ name — to collect her medicine insecticides.

I abhor these people that has no rationality nor conscience that shares the same independence in our country. These people ought to be ripped off the freedom to vote, to walk freely and to speak. They should all be isolated to an island full of sexually deprived lepers, naked. Housewives … *shakes head in disappointment*.

I bet a lot of you guys noticed that Barney the purple dinosaur have invaded our national radio. There has been somekind of promotion of that prehistoric menace around. Kids have been getting excited and cool people like me (and you) have been getting agitated about it’s presence.

Now, what’s so wrong about that purple piece of saturated fat ? If you haven’t realize the dangers we’re already in, then shame on you.

You see, we creatures exist with colors on this planet for some reasons. Dark skinned humans at hotter regions to protect from the harmful rays of sun (google up for pigments). Camouflage colors to hide from predators (wearing dark hood at night to prevent ah longs). Bright colors to attract potential mates (retro make ups by sluts in rave parties for one night stands). Best examples would be the animals. Watch Animal Planet to learn about that.

The first thing that’s so wrong about this controversial character … is that it has that type of purple that would even make Cyndi Lauper cringe in embarrassment. Goddamn. We all know that purple is a very ridiculous color to be assigned to a living creature (see Elton John), what more a prehistoric lizard that has a cool and intimidating reputation of eating everything in sight (like me when I’m on cybersex mood)… Fine, let’s ignore the color.

Let’s talk about it’s physical features. Short limbs, extremely obese and big head. It doesn’t actually look like a dinosaur. Yes ..it has features of a dinosaur but definitely doesn’t look like a dinosaur. It should be called a purple buffoon or something. And with the name Disaster. Loser. or [insert your mother in law's name]. Of all it’s features, the face is the most disturbing part. It has this flat and wide look that resembled an old orangutan. If you don’t know what an orangutan is, well, it’s actually those office clerks that works in government tax office. Here’s a picture comparison of both Barney and orangutan - damn … what an insult to the office clerks !

Then, also notice that Barney has a very nice set of perfectly bleached white human teeth (sparkling at times). What the fuck is going on here ? From the way Barney looks, I think it’s of a T-Rex origin or some big lizard that eats other dinosaur (carnivorous). In that case, it should have a set of fearsome looking razor sharp teeth to tear the tough skin of other dinosaurs … and also to grind meat for better digestion. But by looking at Barney’s teeth - it was as if it maintained a bubble gum diet and probably just off it’s braces. Those set of teeth doesn’t look carnivorous to me. Not to mention the way it does those awkward dances (on national TV !) and sing those gaudy tunes that could kill a full grown retarded pig. Oh … this is getting more and more ridiculous.

Well, one may ask - what harm will Barney do to our kids with all that goofy features ? Imagine yourself spending thousands of ringgit (or insert your own currency here) buying encyclopedias for your kids. You hope you kids to have a stronger general knowledge by reading them. And he learned a lot about cool prehistoric creatures like Tyrannosaurus, Squeezetitsaurus, Sexysaurus or whatever. The real stuffs. Then, one day, your kid suddenly saw Barney doing one of his stupid absurd act on national TV … and he asks you what is that mother-of-all creatures is that thing on TV ? Ok, you’ll tell him it’s a cartoon character on TV. Then, the spoiler came - it’s written in the program that it’s a PURPLE DINOSAUR. Your kid gets obfuscated. Dad says it’s a cartoon character. TV says it’s a purple dinosaur. Books says nothing. Who should he trust ?

Soon, he’ll grow up to have mistrust at the society he’s living in. He will then start to isolate himself in the world of his own and mutilates animals for fun. He’ll grow up to be a very disturbed man and start to suffer mental breakdowns. At the crest of his sick grownup life … he’ll either became a clerk that works in government tax office … or a psychotic dictator that dreamt of conquering the world. Look at what Barney did to Saddam.

Give your child proper education. Buy them books. Teach them proper science. If they want to play or have some fun, bring them to the playground or have a fun vacation at a nearby water park. Stay away from the purple lizard. Fuck Barney.

Alright, heads up … world. Most middle aged blokes condone and participate in whoring. Those who doesn’t are most likely having problems with their sexuality… or suffering ED. The rest are probably too broke to whore. According to Eric some experts, it’s part of men’s balanced diet and whores are probably the main backbone for the development of our modern world since the Renaissance era. Alright, I made up the last part.

Today, Eric preached us about the type of sex services that’s available in the market. It’s based on his “experience in Penang’s Transfer Road” he said. Well, bizarre as it may sound, we have to be optimistic at times - this may be of great use to someone .. somehow in future .. who knows. Hence, I felt inclined to share his preaching out in my blog … in case anyone needed it. Here’s his entire lecture unedited (translated to English from an ancient sex language)

“Whorehouse in Penang is different from those in Thailand. It goes by canon here … while it goes by night over at Thailand. Much more expensive but, never lacked of the quality. The idea of canon is, once you ejaculated, it’s considered as a complete canon and the tart leaves the room. So, basically, if you’re able to sustain a longer erection before unloading your starch, you get a better worth from your money. In Thailand, you just pay and hump the whole night long.

In Penang, sometimes you may find those who offers services in package. 3 flavors or 5 flavors. 3 flavors encompasses normal fuck, blowjob and handjob. Costs a bit more than the canon standard. 5 flavors encompasses normal fuck, blowjob, handjob, anal sex and tit-fuck. Costs significantly more than the rest needless to say.

That’s how they works.”

I laughed so hard with BigSnake and Blackie that I almost barfed my lunch all over my bowl of cendol.