Archive for July, 2004

July 14, 2004

bad sector in my brain

I was in a meeting with a couple of my suppliers today. They were here to have some performance related discussions with me pertaining their products. One of them, was a lady from China – and I was suppose to brief her about some of the key metrics.

The problem was, she was not proficient in English. That means, I had only 2 ways to communicate with her

1) sign language
2) speak lousy Mandarin

Since I didn’t know any sign language, I had no choice but to speak to her in my shitty Mandarin.

I set off by presenting a few charts and shit – using my Mandarin and some mix of languages. I wasn’t doing good when I found out that the lady actually spoke Cantonese – which was a relief for me, because I can speak Cantonese quite well.

So I conveniently switched the talking to Cantonese instead, and the presentation went on quite smoothly. In fact, I got too comfortable doing it in Cantonese that I had a slip of mouth. Here’s how it happened,

Vendor : “Lei hai kong …. koh ko keh sou mok?
(translation : “Are you referring to that number?”)

Me : “Mm hai… ngo hai kong ley ngoi yat ko…
(translation : “No… I am referring to the other one…”)

Vendor : “Oh… kam… tiko leh?
(translation : “Oh… like that… then what about this?”

Me : “Mm sai thai lor… kam siu…”
(translation : “You can ignore that… the number’s too small, it’s negligible…”)

Vendor : “Oh… kei siu aa?”
(translation : “Oh… how small?”)

Me : “Koh ko?”
(translation : “That one?”)

Vendor : “Hai…”
(translation : “Vagina” … kidding… she responded “Yes”)

Me : “Siew ko yee sap ke ceh… TIUUUUUU”
(translation : “It’s only less than twenty… FUCK…”)

Alright, if you did not notice what happened, I actually said “FUCK” in Cantonese at the end of my sentence. TIU = FUCK (in Cantonese). I usually add a ‘TIU’ at the end of each sentence in my daily colloquial conversation, to make the remark more sarcastic. Ask my friend Kancil Killer, who frequently joins me for lunch, and he’ll tell you how much this word ‘TIU’ comes up in our conversation.

But not this. It was not suppose to happen. This was suppose to be a formal meeting with my supplier, and needless to say, maintaining our professionalism is utmost important. This blunder… this… this… TIU, man… really slipped out of my mouth because of my bad habit. When I realized what I said, I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. I was suppressing myself real hard… until I had to excuse myself from the meeting room to laugh outside like a retard.

Damn… I wonder what has happened to me. I think I should cuss less nowadays to avert this from worsening. Fucking hell.. (oops)

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off
July 13, 2004

never mess with …

When I came back to work in the office from my travel, I was confronted by Kim (one of my office’s lady clerk), who happened to be at Jude’s place, the cubicle next to mine,

Kim : “Hey michael, welcome back! Bought anything for us?”

I didn’t.

Me : “Yes but, I lost all of them. Didn’t make it through the baggage service” [I lied]

Kim : “Oh you actually think I’m gonna believe that ? Please lah…”

Me : “Well, why ask if you already knew the answer? heheh… Eh, can you get me a stack of A4 paper? I need it urgently”

Jude suddenly jumped up from her seat and interrupted,

Jude : “No Kim. Don’t give him the papers. He’s evil.”

I didn’t what warrants for me to be labeled as such but, I took the opportunity to throw some insults,

Me : “Hey, funny hair! Mind your own business…”

Jude : “He did not buy us gifts, so you should ignore him…”

Me : “Eh, what happened to your hair? Why is it orange in color?”

One of my colleagues Ted overheard our conversation and joined in…

Ted : “Yeah… your head looks like a goldfish…”

Me : “Goldfish? Naww… more like a saiseng

Not sure what a ‘saiseng‘ is called in English but, it’s a type of catfish that eats excrement. You’ll know it when you see her.

Ted : “Hahahahhhh ! Yeah… now that you mentioned it… uncanny resemblance”

Kim : [speechless…. laughing very hard]

Jude : “You can call me names… but still… no paper for you…”

Me : “Saiseng crossbred with puffer fish….”

Ted : “Man … that’s scary … wooooooo”

Jude : [face starting to blush red…]

Me : “Smells like a fish, squeaks like a sewer rat.”

Jude : “Ok ok… stop… Kim, give him the papers… quick!”

It was another day of triumph of good versus evil….

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
July 12, 2004

social decadence

Some people just don’t deserve to breathe the air. Today I was in the hospital with Emily for some reasons… and saw a group of housewives (10 – 12 of them) in tudung (Muslim headscarf) at the dispensary. Guess what they did? They were scratching each other’s wrinkled boobs ………. …. alright, kidding.

It was actually much worse than that. They were sitting around facing each other… and were chatting loudly. God knows what they chatted about as nobody could really understand when the 3 of them were talking at the same time. The place was as noisy as a market full of mating toads. And it was in the hospital for fuck’s sake.

Fine. Let’s assume the housewives have special rights in our society to make a lot of noise wherever they want. But at that scene, there were at least 10 senior citizens and 3 pregnant ladies waiting… standing (Emily and I were standing too). Place was too congested and the screwed up hospital ain’t got enough chairs.

That swarm of housewives actually took up at least 20 seats, as some of them were about the size of 2 seats and some used the seat adjacent to their’s as the place to put their handbags. I mean, come on, they were already irrational enough for being so noisy. They should have given up their seats for the elderly and the needies… but instead, they took the liberty of organizing a daylight campfire party inside a hospital… unabashed by their despicable acts.

They got carried away in their chat until it came to their turn to collect their whatever medicine (insecticides for infesting bugs in their pubic region, I reckon…). The dispensary nurse had to press for the queue number repeatedly for 5 times, before she decided to shout out loud calling one of the housewives’ name — to collect her fucking insecticides medicine already.

I abhor these people that have no rationality nor conscience, who unfortunately share the same independence in our country. These people ought to be ripped off their rights to vote, to walk freely and to speak. They should all be isolated to an island full of sexually deprived lepers, naked. Housewives… *shakes head in disappointment*.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
July 11, 2004

the barney conspiracy

I bet a lot of you guys noticed that Barney the purple dinosaur have invaded our national radio recently. Apparently, there has been some kind of promotion of that prehistoric menace around. Kids are getting excited and cool people like me (and you) have been getting agitated with its presence.

Now, what is so wrong about that purple piece of saturated fat? If you haven’t realized the dangers we’re already in, then shame on you.

You see, we creatures exist with colors on this planet for some reasons. Dark skinned humans at hotter regions to protect from the harmful rays of the sun (Google up for ‘pigments’). Camouflage colors to hide from predators (wearing dark hood at night to prevent Ah Longs). Bright colors to attract potential mates (retro make ups by sluts in rave parties for one night stands). Best examples would be the animals. Watch Animal Planet to learn more about them.

The first thing that is so wrong about this controversial character… is that it has that type of purple that would make even Cyndi Lauper cringe in embarrassment. Goddamn. We all know that purple is a very ridiculous color to be assigned to a living creature (see Elton John), what more a prehistoric lizard that has a cool and intimidating reputation of eating everything in sight… Fine, let’s ignore the color.

Let’s talk about its physical features. Short limbs, extremely obese and big head. It doesn’t actually look like a dinosaur. Yes… it has the features of a dinosaur but definitely doesn’t look like a dinosaur. It should be called a purple buffoon or something. And with the name Disaster. Loser. or [insert your mother in law’s name]. Of all its features, the face is the most disturbing part. It has this flat and wide look that resembles an old orangutan. If you do not know what an orangutan is, well, it’s actually those office clerks that work in government tax office. Here’s a picture of comparison between Barney and an orangutan – damn … what an insult to the office clerks !

Then, also notice that Barney has a very nice set of perfectly bleached white human teeth (sparkling at times). What the fuck is going on here? From the way Barney looks, I think it’s of a T-Rex origin or some big lizard that eats other dinosaur (carnivorous). In that case, it should have a set of fearsome looking razor sharp teeth to tear the tough skin of other dinosaurs… and also to grind meat for better digestion. But by looking at Barney’s teeth – it was as if it maintained a bubble gum diet and probably just off its braces. Those set of teeth don’t look carnivorous to me. Not to mention the way it does those awkward dances (on national TV !) and sing those gaudy tunes that could kill a full grown retarded pig. Oh… this is getting more and more ridiculous.

Well, one may ask – what harm will Barney do to our kids with all that goofy features? Imagine yourself spending thousands of ringgit (or insert your own currency here) buying encyclopedias for your kids. You hope that your kids would learn, and have stronger general knowledge by reading them. And he learned a lot about cool prehistoric creatures like Tyrannosaurus, Squeezetitsaurus, Sexysaurus or whatever from the book. The real stuffs. Then, one day, your kid suddenly saw Barney doing one of his stupid absurd acts on national TV… and he then asks you what is that mother-of-all creatures thing on TV? Ok, you tell him that it’s a cartoon character on TV. Then, the spoiler came – it’s written there in the program that it’s a PURPLE DINOSAUR. Your kid gets obfuscated. Dad says it’s a cartoon character. TV says it’s a purple dinosaur. Books says nothing. Who should he trust ?

Soon, he’ll grow up to have mistrust at the society he’s living in. He will then start to isolate himself in his own world and mutilate animals for fun. He’ll grow up to be a very disturbed individual and get frequent mental breakdowns. At the crest of his sick grownup life… he’ll either becomes a clerk that works in a government tax office… or a psychotic dictator that who dreams of conquering the world. Look at what Barney did to Saddam.

Give your child a proper education. Buy them books. Teach them proper science. If they want to play or have some fun, bring them to the playground or have a good time at a nearby water park. Stay away from the purple lizard. Fuck Barney.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
July 9, 2004

eric the disturbed – whore lecture

Alright, heads up world. Most middle aged blokes condone and participate in whoring. Those who don’t are most likely having problems with their sexuality… or suffering ED. The rest are probably too broke to whore. According to Eric some experts, it’s part of men’s balanced diet and whores are probably the main backbone for the development of our society since the Renaissance era. Alright, I made up the last part.

Today, Eric preached us about the type of sex services that are currently available in the market. It’s based on his ‘experience at Penang’s Transfer Road’, he said. Well, bizarre as it may sound, we have to be optimistic at times – this information may be of great use to someone… sometime in the future… you’ll never know. That is why I felt inclined to share his preaching out in my this entry… in case anyone needed it. Here’s his entire lecture unedited (translated to English from an ancient sex language)

“Whorehouse in Penang is different from those in Thailand. It goes by canon here… while it goes by the number of nights over at Thailand. Much more expensive but, never lacked of the quality. The idea of canon is, once you ejaculated, it’s considered as a complete canon and the tart leaves the room. So, basically, if you’re able to sustain a longer erection before unloading your starch, you get a better worth of your money. In Thailand, you just pay and hump the whole night long.

In Penang, sometimes you may find those who offer services in package. 3 flavors or 5 flavors. The 3 flavors package encompasses normal fuck, a blowjob and a handjob. Costs a bit more than the canon standard. The 5 flavors package on the other hand, encompasses normal fuck, a blowjob, a handjob, anal sex and tit-fuck. Costs significantly more than the rest needless to say.

That’s how they work.”

I laughed so hard with BigSnake and Blackie that I almost barfed my lunch all over my bowl of cendol.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off