Emily doesn’t like mangosteen at all. She was giving me this perturbed look when I was wolfing down one mangosteen after another, (mangosteen = manggis)
 
Me : “Wow … these mangosteens are swweeeeet !”
 
Emily : “Go away ! you are making me sick !”
 
Me : “Come think of it .. it’s flesh actually looked like cat’s testicles …”
 
Emily : “Awwhh .. man .. you are so gross ! eeeeeeewwh”
 
Me : “Muahahahha … meow meow…”
 
Mangosteens are good.

Yesterday, my friend Henry was late for the 9.30 pm movie and I kinda arrived earlier. So, he asked me to buy his dinner at McDonald’s. It was already 9.10pm that time and there’s a long queue at the counter - approximately 5 - 6 person.

Emily, being a very sweet girl she was, volunteered to queue up for me and I went out to the nearby court to check out some Digi contest in the mall. Without realizing it, 10 minutes passed and there’s still no sign of Emily coming out from Mac’s.

So, I went to check out what happened. Emily was still in the queue, just 1 person behind a middle eastern man. Let’s call him Osama. The queue has gone abnormally long … about 9 - 10 person now.

Apparently, Osama had stood there for more than 3 - 4 minutes already, still unable to decide what he wanted to buy. There’s a little girl (which I presume was his daughter) by his side, standing with him. Then finally, he ordered something, a few sets of burger and told the guy at the counter “That’s all”.

After the Mac staff completed his order and punched the register, he told Osama the amount to pay. But then, he did not pay …yet. He squatted down to ask his daughter something, and ordered another single burger. Fine. Mac staff went and get him another burger … then again, politely asked him to pay.

Osama took out his wallet, and when he was about to pay, he told the Mac counter guy that he wanted them all to be wrapped as take-aways. The whole queue of customers sighed in frustration. It has taken an unbelievable 5 minutes just to serve that fussy middle eastern man. Everyone was pissed and I am going to be late for my movie.

I walked up to Emily’s side (which was behind Osama) and stood there. The Mac counter guy complied to his request, wrapped up his food in a plastic bag and again … politely asked him to pay. Just as the Mac guy asked him that question, Osama took out his cellphone and made a call. He was fucking holding up the entire line to speak on his cellphone ! He gestured to the Mac counter guy to wait as he was talking to someone on his phone.

He went to the length of talking for about 20 - 30 seconds, and then, with an irated look, he gestured to the Mac guy again, he wanted more serviettes. Mac guy gave him more serviettes. Then he hung up and whips out a big note. Mac guy got him some change and uttered the standard “come again”. But he’s not leaving yet. He asked the Mac guy about some burger and ordered another set.

At that particular moment, I went nuts and shouted at him loud “Can you speed the fuck up ?? you’re holding back the entire line!!”. He pretended that he didn’t hear me and stood there as if nothing happened. Then, he paid for the extra set of burger and asked for more packets of chilli sauce.

Well, one must have thought that he’s all done for being an asshole, but hell no. He actually MADE ANOTHER ORDER AGAIN. He’s asking for 2 more regular french fries this time ! For god’s sake, this Osama motherfucker held back the entire line for almost 10 minutes, spoke on his cellphone when ordering, and ordered his food in 3 different receipts … and yet, he’s giving that Mac counter guy a pissed look as if he’s not served good enough.

I gave him another shout “MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND !!! ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING ??”. Again, he pretended not to hear me. He paid and took his fries quickly and left the place. Just as he was leaving, I went up to his side and said “Eat shit and die, motherfucker..” … he looked at me with a slightly annoyed look (but scared) and left in haste. I swore, if his daughter wasn’t with him, I would have creamed him on the spot.

I really loathed and abhor this kind of people. Stood in the line doing nothing but only take his own sweet time deciding when it comes to his turn. Not only that, he did it with a stinking attitude. I do not know if that was a common practice back in their country but, hey, let’s be civilized here. There are many more people who wanted to order their food, not him alone.

Damn Osama. I hoped he got raped by a camel one day.

You know, we people tend to associate human looks with scent. It’s like an inherent characteristics in us, you know. Here are a couple of examples:

When I see a pretty young hot chick, and I’ll imagine how nice she must be smelling like. And automatically, if she walks by, I would take a deep whiff of her womanly scent. Ahhh… Sometimes when I’m deprived of sleep and have a weak mind, the scent could even trigger some sort of erotic day dream. And no, of course not to the extend of visiting the toilet to fap, but sort of giving me the elevation to a higher level … you get the idea.

See a Bangla ? and I’ll have a totally different mindset on how to react. Somehow, this could be due to bad experiences I’ve had previously. It seems like they have a genetically hardcoded odoriferous body, that was beyond any known remedy or cure. They have the same type of fetid stench of a cockroach .. that it’s so hard for me to differentiate between both of them. See Bangla ? Mind automatically pulls an image of a cockroach. See cockroach ? Mind automatically pulls an image of a bangla. It’s time to hold your breath or dive for cover.

So, the 2 example above basically explains the point I’m trying to make here. That our human brain actually tends to judge how a person smells like, through visual contact - before it allows the nose to whiff the actual smell, referenced through past experiences.

But yesterday, I had an extraordinary experience of such phenomenon. I saw 2 nice looking young chicks walking towards my direction, and myself was walking opposite their’s. It was a narrow 3 ft corridor so, we kinda have to brush through each other in a very close proximity. From the way they looked, I kinda expected some flowery scents or maybe a common ketiak deodorant/anti-perspirant.

Confidently, I staged out my nostrils to whiff some aromatherapy for myself, sucking the essence of youth out of the 2 chicks as they walk by. According to some experts (don’t ask me which expert), doing so can actually prevent my company shares from dropping so… I have to be selfish. WHIFFFFFF .. smell goes into my nasal chute and my brain started to process their scents. An image pops up - Rubber glove.

WTF ? Analyze again - rubber glove. No kidding, one of the ladies actually smelled like a pair of rubber glove. You know, the type that a dentist would put on his hands to carry out hard labour on your dental problems. Or it could be the type of glove that doctors use to shove up someone’s asses. *shivers*

Why rubber glove ? I have no idea. It freaks me out. Maybe both the girls had just came out from the toilet doing some sick anal sex thing to each other … with a … pair of hands on rubber glove. Ughh…

I’m doing a trial run on the “new” me - a person with proper language without profanity. Test subject #1, graceshu.

Me: grace

Graceshu: hi

Me: how are you today ?

Graceshu: kinda tired. but am aoky how r u?

Me: I am fine.

Graceshu: okay. hows emily?

Me: Emily is fine as well. Thank you.

Graceshu: whats up?

Me: I can see the ceiling.

Graceshu: okay.

Me: Have you taken your dinner, Grace ?

Graceshu: who is this?

Me: My name is Michael Ooi. I thought you know me.

Graceshu: you’re scary i dont want to talk to you. goodbye.

Me: hahah … fuck …

Graceshu:
Me: it’s weird to talk nicely … isn’t it ?

Graceshu: dont scare kids away pls.

Me: hahah … me lah … tiiuuu

Graceshu: abit out of character lah

Graceshu: yes tiu.

Me: damn … actually … why do they teach us that kinda stuff in school eh ? we’re not gonna sound ok if we learn everything they taught in school ….

Graceshu: it works for some people. but i’m not used to it on you. thats why it scared me cos it’s rather out of character.

Me: ok .. sorry ler … ehehehhe … damn that was funny …

Test result = FAILED.

*update by owner : since there’s a lot of cavemen out there who’s not very good at comprehending simple English and likes to read my blog at the same time, for the passion of my own writing, I’ve decided to bold out certain phrase to aid them. Thank me and be thankful. And read the disclaimer (bottom of this page) before commenting.
 
I was driving home from dinner last night (with Emily) and was caught in a traffic jam. It’s at the Bayan Baru area, where the roads are narrow and full of impatient factory workers. Was listening to a CD and relaxing, when suddenly, a small motorcycle (kapcai) appeared on my left. It was a young Malay guy motherfucker. Apparently, he was trying to squirm through the narrow space between my car and an old 70’s Prelude next to mine. Slightly touched my mirror … without guilt.

Before I could even wind down my window and yell at him, he was already gone. Speeding so fast in between the gaps of the jam as if his gay lover is about to give birth to a big piece of tumor. Fine. I just uttered a few words of profanities and move over it. Back to my relaxed mood.

Then, after about 5 secs, a very horrifying sight unfolded before my eyes through my rear view mirror. A swarm of kapcais began to fill up the gaps of cars behind mine, just like the scene of beetles filling up the dungeon floor in The Mummy Returns (translate as Kepulangan Ibu). I went like “Oh shit” before Emily, and began to move my car a little bit to the left to ensure they could not get through the gap again.

Everything went fine as the drones of stupid kapcais was forced through the gap behind the Prelude, until an old Indian bloke came and stopped at the left rear side of my car. He was contemplating whether he could make it through the small gap. Pundamanek (it’s an indian profanity). As he was doing that, he suddenly lost his balance and his kapcai’s right handle knocked against my car’s body, reverberating a loud THUNKKKKKKKKKKKKKK across my entire cabin.

I went nuts. Realizing that he’s in grave danger, that low-life son of a bitch fled through behind the Prelude. By the time I was about to get down from my car with a big steering lock in my hand (to kill him), he’s already gone, just like the previous Malay motherfucker. All I can do is to honk all the way down till he disappeared in sight. Missed his number plate as well (as it was blocked by the tonnes of cars around the area). Nothing can describe the pain I felt at that particular moment. Especially didn’t get to at least settle off with the offender. Felt as if I’ve been ravaged … Oh fuck.

I scoured the entire area to look for the guy after that, but to no success. My car had a small dent at that spot, and it was as devastating as getting wrecked into a wall for me.

I have always disliked kapcais all my life - as I felt they are a nuisance to the traffic. They are too small, light and fucking dangerous. Not to mention cheap (which was affordable by social garbages and vagabonds alike). Now that the incident had happened, I am now at the crest of my boiling point antagonizing these disastrous 2 wheelers on the road.

I swear to myself, if I get a chance to lay my hands to kill someone on a kapcai doing stunts on the road, I will definitely do it. Twice. Goddamn motherfuckers you kapcai riders. I hope you’ll get cancers all over your dick and never get to enjoy sex in your short pathetic life… for 10 generations. Including your dog.