Archive for July, 2004

July 22, 2004

bat vs spider

I always liked both of these superheroes – Batman and Spiderman. If I get to choose who would I be, I’ll probably have a hard time deciding. But then, I know I’ll eventually go with Batman. Here are the reasons why… obviously…

Batman – that guy’s rich and good looking. He always has awesome looking girls going after him. Even if he’s off duty, his life is never dull – because he’s just too loaded to be dull. And yeah, not to mention he also owns a magnificent motor car, a private jet, a sexy helper (batgirl), a sidekick (robin), a faithful servant and a nice castle. He loves his job night and day, 100% satisfaction.

Spiderman – is meager looking and young. Heck, he even have zit marks. He can stick to walls, which is a pretty cool feat. With that, I reckon he won’t find it difficult to peep at his favorite model taking a shower. He can swing anywhere he wanted to, nice. But his off-duty life is a bit of a sad affair. Poor, almost jobless and lack of life. Well yeah… a couple of girl friends but… they are never crazy about him enough to warrant an exciting life. Kinda depressing to be Spiderman.

Moreover, I think if both of them were to have a 1-to-1 fight, Batman would probably cream Spidey’s ass with no sweat.

Scenario – a fight scene in an alley:
Spiderman casts a web over Batman, trapping him. Batman whips out a sonic cutter hidden inside his hi-tech gauntlet and frees himself. By that time, Spiderman already climbed up to the lamp post, ready to dive down for a kick at Batman’s nice dimpled chin.

Spiderman dives down and misses, as Batman manages to flip upwards with his built-in pogo stick inside his boots. Spiderman is in deep shit, because at that split second, Batman lands down with his knee, pounds Spiderman right in the middle of his masked skull. THOOOOORRRKKK !!

The red masked hero goes down and is writhing in pain. Batman lifts him up and gives him a 360 degree pile-drive on the hard concrete floor. Spiderman’s mask is half ripped due to the poor quality material used (because he’s so damn poor). Batman then gives Spiderman another kick at the spine, catapulting him onto the open road and gets mowed by a car. Car is badly wrecked but Spiderman is unscathed. He then gets up and swing towards Batman, with a projectile kick.

Sensing danger, Batman slips out a can of insecticide from his cape and sprays it with all his might. It partly destroys Spiderman’s red boots exposing some of his toes. The arachnid hero is choking hard from the insecticide poisoning… and is high time disoriented.

Taking advantage of the situation, Batman whips out his mobile phone and calls for his sidekicks for help. And now, we have Batman, Batgirl and Robin rounding Spiderman up. Together, they pummeled the shit out of Spiderman. By the time the heroic bat trio finish having their fun, Spiderman is already reduced to a very bruised dude with badly torn rubber costume, with his spidery dick dangling out on the filthy walkway.

Then, Batman squat down close to Spiderman and denigrates him with some Hokkien profanities – “Leh mar ho beh kan…” (translation: Your mom gets fucked by a horse..). While Batman is doing that, Robin takes out a can of spray paint and draws some graffiti on the nearest sidewalk – PETER PARKER IS SPIDERMAN.

After that, the three of them walk nonchalantly off the ghetto-ish alley… how cool.

Batman rawks.

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
July 21, 2004

paranormal stories

I am always fascinated with paranormal stories. You know, the strange stuffs that science can’t explain. No, I’m not referring to events like missing underwear after an event of steamy sex… or the missing remote control in the living room. I’m referring to the REAL PARANORMAL stuff…. like some unidentified balls of light floating across a graveyard… or how a group of scientists mysteriously croaked after discovering an ancient tomb… things like that. Stuffs that defies all scientific explanation and law of physics, that is.

Throughout my life, I’ve heard numerous stories from my friends and families. Some real, some were totally bullshit. I have even encountered some myself, some are mysterious and some are just plain freakish. I’m about to share some here, and let you guys judge whether they’re worth believing…

story# 1
There was once, my friend Tony was driving back to Kedah from Penang in the middle of the night… and he was crossing the Penang Bridge. Halfway through the bridge, he suddenly saw a very bright light hovering above his brand new Nissan Sentra. He said it was bluish in color, and was kinda big. Then suddenly, a beam of light flashed out from the supposedly extra terrestrial aircraft and teleported him into it.

He went unconscious after that. When he woke up, he found himself being raped by a few pretty girls with huge boobies while he was tied to a king sized waterbed. He tried to wriggle himself free but, when he attempted to do so, one of the girls will suck his dick harder and he would be sapped of all energy to move. And then, he also claimed that he saw planet Earth from the spaceship window and also landed on the moon or something. He couldn’t remember how he got back to our planet but, he remembered he felt great after he landed.

Of course I didn’t believe him… because he was a bit drunk when he was relating this fictional experience of his.

story# 2
This was encountered by myself a couple years ago.
One morning, I went to Blackie and asked him about his Tag Heuer watch, which was bought 1 year before I got mine.

Me : “Dude, have you changed your watch battery before?”

Blackie : “Never. It’s been 2 and a half years. Still going strong”

Me : “Well, mine too. 1 and a half years. Was wondering how long the battery could last”.

The next morning, both our watches’ battery went flat. Coincidence?

story# 3
My encounter… again. Many years ago.
My mom, myself and a group of cousins were inside our family car late one night. We were outside my grandfather’s foundry, and were about to go into the place. We were there to visit my uncle’s family – who happened to live there.

The light was switched on at the top floor of the old shop house and we could see someone standing at the windows (from the shadow). I remember there were 2 shadows – one adult and another shorter one that looked like a kid. Both shadows were very still. My mom thought those 2 were my cousins, and so she honked – you know, just to alert them that we’re outside the building. The shadows didn’t budge an inch. Mom honked again. Again, no movement. Just when she wanted to honk another time, the main door at the ground floor swung open and my uncle greeted us from the entrance. His 2 sons were with him and we could see his wife was far behind in the main hall.

We were taken aback and decided to look at the set of windows again. The shadows disappeared. Thinking that my uncle was probably playing prank on her, my mom led the rest of the group up to the room and inspected every inch of the space. Turned up nothing. And when the rest of us got out from the room, my mom stayed behind to make sure she didn’t left out any details.

Then suddenly, my mom skedaddled down the stairs and ran towards the entrance while shouting “chow aa! fai tit! fai tit!” (translation : run! faster! faster!). I was not sure what happened back then but ran together with her. When all of us were outside, panting, she told us that someone actually whispered to her ear in that room!

Couldn’t explain what happened. Scared the shit out of my mom. Were those 2 shadows some being from another world? Or were they some effect conjured by my uncle? No idea.

gonna share more stories some other day…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
July 20, 2004

Jude – T.Y.M

Today… when I was about to leave the office …

Jude : [peeks over the cubicle partition]

Me : [packing my bag to go home]

Jude : [peeks over the cubicle partition]

Me : [noticed something orange over the partition]

Jude : [peeks over the cubicle partition]

Me : [stands up and see Jude. Orange object was her hair]

Jude : [pretends nothing happened, and steals another peek]

Me : [staring at Jude with perturbed look]

Jude : [peeks again] “Hyuk hyuk hyuk !”

Me : “What is it that you want goddamnit??”

Jude : “Nothing. Hyuk hyuk hyuk !”

Me : “Nothing?? Then why are you laughing??”

Jude : “I told you, nothing. Hyuk hyuk hyuk !”

Me : “Why did you peek at me?”

Jude : “I like to peek mah… hyuk hyuk hyuk !”

Me : [goosebumps popping all over my body] “Shit… I still need to take my dinner…”

I couldn’t figure out why she peeked at me. I checked my barn door, it was fully closed. I checked my pants, there was no hole on it. I checked my face, there were no boogers dangling out from my nostrils. Heck, I even check my man boobs if they’re exposed, but nothing was wrong about me physically.

That was why I concluded that she must be having her PMS a.k.a tai yee ma syndrome. No known cure.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off
July 19, 2004

something behind the door

There is a room next to my lab which is locked all the time. Inside are just a bunch of piping and air con doohickeys… that aren’t of any importance to me, and nobody’s suppose to use that door anyway.

Today, we (me and the other engineers) heard some noises coming from inside. It started with a few clickings. Kind of built up a little tension at first, as it was usually quiet inside. That was when we started to give some attention to that room, you know, just to get prepared to flee the lab in case there was any shrilling female voice cackling or calling our names.

Then suddenly… we heard somebody shouted inside – “Kanneh ma cheee byeeee eh !!!“. Hahah… goddamn. It wasn’t a ghost. It was a bunch of Ah Bengs carrying out renovation work inside. Never got to see their faces but, I was pretty sure, they are a bunch of Ah Bengs. Why? Here are the reasons why…

1) Of every sentence they utter, there would always be the word “mother”. Eg. Leh mar ler… kau giak kheong kan…
2) They would always talk when working. And it is always the story about some adventure with an Ah Lian inside a local swing-head disco.
3) Every 30 minutes or so, there would be a quarrel. And when they quarrel, there would be mother of all heaven profanities.
4) Once a while, someone will drum a lion dance tune when working.
5) There would always be someone singing at work. Eg. Bobby McVee’s More Than I Can Say…

Alright, basically, our lab was littered with noise pollution today. I thought I was bad, but those bunch of Ah Bengs live and feed on profanities. Like I said, of every sentence that came out from their mouth, there would be at least 30% profanity. Made me felt uncomfortable, but thoroughly entertained.

There was once, they even argued (in Hokkien) about their underwear brand.

Beng #1 : “Lim peh eh teh kho si behsache eh aa …”
(translation : My underwear is a ‘Versace’ brand..)

Beng #2 : “Lu kheong kan lah !… behsache mana ooh teh kho eh!”
(translation : Fuck dude! ‘Versace’ never produced underwear before!)

Beng #1 : “Leh mar ler ! Ha mi lang kong ??”
(translation : Your mother! Says who ??)

Beng #2 : “Lu mien hau seow lar … sio kong lim peh beh hiau si boh ?”
(translation : Don’t bluff … you think I didn’t know?)

Beng #1 : “Lancheow ! behsache an chua eh boh teh kho ??”
(translation : Dick ! Who said there is no Versace branded underwear??)

The argument went on for like 10 minutes or so. With them hooting each other in the most obscene language one can ever imagine. Almost made me barf my spleen out.

Damn, these people ought to live in the same neighborhood with the real Osama Bin Laden. To make their noise in the cave networks of the freezing Afghanistan mountains. I am fucking sure that it wouldn’t take long for Osama to commit suicide for having too much brain damage out of their lion dance drumming and their kanineh language. And then there shall be world peace for eternity…

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off
July 18, 2004

new me #2

I’m doing a trial run on the “new” me – a person who speaks zero profanity. Test subject #2, auyong

Me : Hellow Auyong.

auyong : yo, wasssup?

Me : Fine. How was your day ?

auyong : hey, don’t pull that crap on me… doesn’t work… the only way to get a new you, would be to recycle yourself :p

Me : Oh Auyong. I do not mean to be like this.

auyong : watever

Me : So, have you taken your dinner, my dear friend Auyong ?

auyong : /ignore

Me : fuck you

auyong : hahahhahahahahahahahha ROTFLMAO!

Me : damn .. can’t speak nice.

auyong : hahaaahah

Me : my friends treat me like a lowlife when i speak nice …

auyong : kihkihkih

Test result = FAILED.
man… what is wrong with this world ???

michaelooi  | e-chats  | Comments Off