I always liked both superhero - Batman and Spiderman. If I get to choose who would I be, I’ll probably have a hard time deciding. But then, I know I’ll eventually go with Batman. Here are the reasons why… obviously…

Batman - rich and good looking. He got awesome looking girls going after him. Even if he’s off duty, his life is never dull - coz he’s a tycoon. And yeah, not to mention he also owns a magnificently engineered car, private jet, sexy helper (batgirl), sidekick (robin), faithful servant and a nice castle. He loves his job night and day, 100% satisfaction.

Spiderman - meager looking and young. Heck, he even have zit marks. He can stick to walls, which is a pretty cool feat. He won’t find it difficult to peep at his favorite model taking a shower. He can swing anywhere he wanted to, nice. But his off-duty life is a bit disappointing. Poor, almost jobless and has no sexy helper. Well yeah .. some girlfriend with a great pair of tits but .. he never get to screw her yet. Kinda depressing to be Spiderman.

Moreover, I think if both of them were to have a 1-to-1 fight, Batman would probably cream Spidey’s ass with no sweat.

Scenario - a fight scene in an alley:
Spiderman casts a web over Batman, trapping him. Batman took out a sonic cutter hidden inside his hi-tech gauntlet and cuts himself free. By that time, Spiderman already climbed up to the lamp post, ready to dive down for a kick at Batman’s nice dimpled chin.

Spiderman dives down but missed, as Batman managed to flip upwards with his built-in pogo stick inside his boots. Spiderman is in deep shit, as at that split second, Batman landed down with his knee, pounded Spiderman right in the middle of his masked skull. THOOOOORRRKKK !!

The red masked hero goes down and was writhing in pain. Batman lift him up and gives him a 360 degree pile-drive on the hard concrete floor. Now, Spiderman’s mask already became half ripped due to the poor quality material used (coz he’s damn poor). Batman then gives Spiderman another kick at the spine, catapulting him into an open street and got mowed by a car. Car badly wrecked but Spiderman is ok. He got himself up and swing towards Batman, with a projectile kick.

Sensing danger, Batman slips out a can of insecticide from his cape and sprayed all his might. It partly destroyed Spiderman’s red boots exposing some of his toes. The arachnid hero almost got himself choked to death from the insecticide poisoning … he eventually became confused and disoriented.

Taking advantage of the situation, Batman whipped out his mobile phone and called for his sidekicks for help. And now, we got Batman, Batgirl and Robin rounding Spiderman up. Together, they pummeled the shit out of Spiderman. By the time the heroic bat trio finished having their fun, Spiderman was already reduced to a very bruised dude with badly torn rubber costume, with his spidery dick dangling out on the filthy walkway.

Then, Batman squatted close to Spiderman and denigrated him with some hokkien profanities - “Leh mar ho beh kan…” (translation: Hope your mom got fucked by a horse..). While Batman was doing that, Robin took out a can of spray paint and wrote some graffiti on the nearest sidewalk - PETER PARKER IS SPIDERMAN.

After that, the three of them walked nonchalantly off the ghetto-ish alley … how cool.

Batman rulez.

I have always been fascinated with paranormal phenomenas. You know, the weird stuffs that science can’t explain. No, I’m not referring to events like your missing underwear after an event of steamy sex … or the missing remote control in your living room.

I’m referring to the REAL stuff…. like cows giving birth to government office clerks … alright, perhaps that’s not a very good example (coz it’s explicable). Maybe, like some unidentified balls of light floating across a graveyard… or how a group of scientist mysteriously croaked after discovering an ancient tomb … things like that. Stuffs that defies all scientific explanation and law of physics, that is.

Throughout my life, I’ve heard numerous stories from my friends and my families. Some real, some were totally bullshit. I’ve even encountered some myself, damn mysterious and kinda freaky as well. Here’s some of the stories. I’ll let you guys judge whether it’s worth believing …

—

There’s once, my friend Tony was driving back to Kedah from Penang in the middle of the night … and he was crossing the Penang Bridge. While he was doing that, he suddenly saw a very bright light hovering above his brand new Nissan Sentra. He said it was bluish in color, and was kinda big. Then suddenly, a beam of light flashed out from the UFO and teleported him into a spaceship.

He went unconscious after that. When he woke up, he found himself being raped by a few pretty girls with huge boobies while he was tied to a king sized waterbed. He tried to wriggle himself free but, the moment he tried to do so, one of the girls will felate him and he’ll lose all his energy. He also claimed that he saw planet Earth from the spaceship’s windows and also landed on moon or something. He can’t remember how he got back to our planet but, he remembered he felt great after he landed.

Of course I don’t believe him … coz he’s a bit drunk while he’s relating his experience.

—

This was encountered by myself a couple years ago.
One morning, I went to Blackie and asked him about his Tag Heuer watch, which was bought 1 year ahead of mine.
“Dude, have you changed your watch’s battery before ?”
“Never. It’s been 2 and a half years. Still going strong” - he replied.
“Well, mine too. 1 and a half years. Was wondering how long the batt could last”.

The next morning, both our watches’ battery went flat. Coincidence ?

—

My encounter.. again. Many years ago.
My mom, myself and a group of cousins were inside our family car one late night. Was outside my grandfather’s foundry, about to go into the place. Objective was to visit my uncle’s family - who happened to live there.

The light was turned on at the top floor of the old shophouse and we could see someone standing at the windows (from the shadow). I could still remember it was a shadow of an adult and a kid. Standing very still. Thinking that it could be my uncle, my mom honked - signaling him that we’ve arrived. The shadows remained still.

Mom honked again. The 2 shadows didn’t budge a bit. Thinking that they probably didn’t hear us, my mom honked for another time. Just at that time, the main door at the lower floor swung open and my uncle greeted us from the entrance. His 2 sons were with him and we could see his wife was far behind the main hall.

We were taken aback and decided to look at the set of windows again. No more shadows. It disappeared just like that. Thinking that probably my uncle was playing prank on her, my mom led the rest of us up to the room and inspected every inch of the space. Turned up nothing. And when the rest of us got out from the room, my mom left herself behind to make sure she didn’t left out any details.

Then suddenly, my mom skedaddled down the stairs and ran towards the entrance while shouting “chow aa !… fai tit .. .fai tit !” (translation : run ! faster ! faster !). Wasn’t sure what happened but ran together with her. Once all of us were outside, panting, she told us that someone actually spoke to her ear and there’s no one there !

Can’t explain what happened. Scared the shit out of my mom. Were that 2 shadows suppose to be some being from another world ? Or was it my uncle who could do some David Copperfuck magic ? I don’t know.

—

gonna share more stories some other day…

Today… when I was about to leave the office …
 
Jude : [peek]
 
Me : [packing my bag to go home]
 
Jude : [peek]
 
Me : [noticed something orange from above my cube wall]
 
Jude : [peek]
 
Me : [stood up and saw Jude. Orange object was her hair]
 
Jude : [pretends nothing happened, and stole another peek]
 
Me : [stares at Jude with a perturbed look]
 
Jude : [peek again] “Hyuk hyuk hyuk !”
 
Me : “What ?”
 
Jude : “Nothing. Hyuk hyuk hyuk !”
 
Me : “Nothing ? Just .. what are you laughing about ?”
 
Jude : “I told you, nothing. Hyuk hyuk hyuk !”
 
Me : “Why are you peeking at me ?”
 
Jude : “To feel happy mah .. hyuk hyuk hyuk !”
 
Me : [goosebumps popping all over my body] “Shit… I still need to take my dinner…”
 
I couldn’t figure out why she peeked at me. I checked my barn door, they were fully closed. I checked my pants, there was no hole on it. I check my face, there were no boogers dangling out from my nostrils nor there were any waxes around my eyes. Heck, I even check my boobies if they’re exposed, but nothing goes out from the ordinary here.
 
The answer = tai yee ma syndrome. No known cure.

There’s a room next to my lab was locked all the time from both side. It was just a bunch of pipings and air con doohickeys inside that room … that wasn’t of any importance to me. No, nobody supposed to use the door so, fuck it.

Today, we (me and the other engineers) heard some noise coming from inside. It started with a few clickings. Kinda build up a little bit tension at first, as it was usually quiet inside. We kinda put a lot of attention on what’s the fucking noise all about … and got ourselves prepared to flee the lab ..in case there’s any shrilling female voice cackling or calling our names .

Then suddenly … we heard “Kanneh ma cheee byeeee eh !!!”. Hahah … goddamn. Not a ghost. It was a bunch of ah bengs carrying out renovation work inside. Never get to see their face but then, I was pretty sure, they are a bunch of ah bengs. Why ? Here’s why…

1) Of every sentence they uttered, they will always include the word “mother”. Eg. Leh mar ler …. kau giak kheong kan…
2) They always talk while working. And it’s always the story about some adventure with ah lian inside a local swing-head disco.
3) Every 30 minutes or so, there will always be a quarrel. Once quarrel, the mother of all heaven profanities will reverberate across our lab.
4) Once a while, they will drum a lion dance tune while working.
5) There will always someone singing while working. Eg. Bobby McVee’s More Than I Can Say … how cheesy is that…

Alright, basically, our lab was littered with noise pollution today. I thought I was bad, but those bunch of ah bengs lives and feeds on profanities. Like I said, of every sentence that came out from their mouth, it will contain at least 30% of profanity. Makes me feel uncomfortable.

There’s one session where they even argued (in hokkien) about their underwear brand.

Beng #1 : “Lim peh eh teh kho si behsache eh aa …”
(translation : My underwear is of versace brand..)

Beng #2 : “Lu kheong kan lah ! … behsache mana ooh teh kho eh ?”
(translation : Get yourself fucked ! there’s no Versace brand underwear…)

Beng #1 : “Leh mar ler ! Ha mi lang kong ??”
(translation : Your mother ! Says who ??)

Beng #2 : “Lu mien hau seow lar … sio kong lim peh beh hiau si boh ?”
(translation : Don’t bluff … you think I don’t know ?)

Beng #1 : “Lancheow ! behsache an chua eh boh teh kho ??”
(translation : Dick ! Who says there’s no Versace branded underwear ??)

The argument went on for like 10 minutes or so. With them hooting each other in the most ludicrous obscene language one can ever imagine. Almost made me barf my spleen out.

Damn, these people ought to live in the same neighborhood with the real Osama Bin Laden. To make their noise in the cave networks of the freezing Afghanistan mountains. I am fucking sure that it wouldn’t take long for Osama to commit suicide for having too much brain damage out of their lion dance drumming and their kanineh language. And then there shall be world peace for eternity

I’m doing a trial run on the “new” me - a person with proper language without profanity. Test subject #2, auyong
 
me : Hellow Auyong.
 
auyong : yo, wasssup?

me : Fine. How was your day ?

auyong : hey, don’t pull that crap on me… doesn’t work… the only way to get a new you, would be to recycle yourself :p

me : Oh Auyong. I do not mean to be like this.

auyong : watever

me : So, have you taken your dinner, my dear friend Auyong ?

auyong : /ignore

me : fuck you

auyong : hahahhahahahahahahahha ROTFLMAO!

me : damn .. can’t speak nice.

auyong : hahaaahah

me : my friends treat me like a lowlife when i speaks nice …

auyong : kihkihkih

me : i wanna prove that speaking nice like that is not gonna cut any mustard …

auyong : lol…
 
Test result = FAILED.
man … what is wrong with this world ???