July 28, 2004

spot an idiot

I was asked by my new boss, Pete, to attend a session of presentation by a ‘very important person’ today. I wasn’t in the mood of attending the presentation but, I didn’t have a choice as Pete told me that it was an order from the top and it was compulsory.

When I reached the auditorium for the presentation, it was already half full. The remaining vacant places were either at the front row, or amongst some of the shittiest people I didn’t like. Fuck, I thought. If my somber mood could be directly converted to sexual gratification, I would have ejaculated all over the goddamn room. I then found a nearby empty seat and started daydreaming.

Then, something came to me. I was suddenly struck with an idea to amuse myself throughout the boring session of the presentation. Instead of sitting around killing myself by idling my brain listening to bullshits, I decided to play a game called “Spot An Idiot”. The rules are very simple – Observe the happenings around the room, and identify who’s the idiot. So I started spotting…

idiot #1 : Pete.
That’s my new boss. He’s an idiot. He was the one who invited me to this stupid presentation. It was a total waste of time and attending the presentation wouldn’t have made any difference to anything on any planet. I could have used the time to do something more meaningful like surfing the net. He automatically qualifies to be an idiot for doing that.

idiot #2 : The ‘very important person’.
The guy who did the presentation. Hell, I didn’t even know his fucking name. He is suppose to be our VP or something. He looks like a typical fat American white cop with a thick mustache. He was that kind of nobody cop that always be the first to get shot (and die quickly) in an action film (you get the idea)… I think he’s an idiot because he’s wasting so many people’s time. Period.

idiot #3 : A director called Hamlae (try to find out what that means in Thai…)
When the fat cop VIP started his presentation, that sycophant Hamlae brought in 3 cans of Diet Coke with 3 glasses filled with ice cubes to the VP (VP came with another 2 American managers). Everyone could see that Hamlae was attempting to suck those VIPs dicks. I mean, come on, the session was only like 1 hour… not a 5 hours journey to hell or something. What a fucking cocksucker. He’s a clear winner of all idiots.

idiot #4 : a Malay lady clerk with head scarf
Her cellphone rang out loud during the VIP’s presentation. It was a cheapskate ring tone of a classic P.Ramlee song. She answered it and hung up. Then her phone rang again. The first time was acceptable, but the second time was not. She could have switched her phone to silent after the first time. She’s an idiot.

idiot #5 : the 1st American manager
This guy did his presentation entirely by looking at the screen, not the crowd. He was reading the slides to the crowd… and spoke so softly that I could barely make up the words he said. (Not that it mattered, as I was not paying any attention… but it was important to determine if he’s an idiot). Heck, if it was all about reading slides, he might as well let the crowd read it themselves. A fucking idiot he was.

idiot #6 : the 2nd American manager
When this guy presented his slides, he started it off by talking about his beard. The thing was, he had no beard. Well, he was actually talking about how he used to have a beard. And I thought that was a lame start for any presentation. I do not see how a beard could enhance an experience of listening to any corporate bullshit. If it was supposed to be funny, it was not. I-D-I-O-T.

idiot #7 : Dickhead.
If you remember Dickhead, he was one of the motherfuckers I listed in my hate list. Why was he an idiot? Well, he’s always an idiot… no doubt. But to be fair to the game, he wasn’t one until he raised his hand to ask the VIP a question. What question? I don’t know, because nobody in the room understood what he was trying to ask. The VIP, being an idiot himself, hadn’t got a clue as well. He kinda answered Dickhead by blindly quoting something totally incoherent. Dickhead nodded in approval (even when the answer’s not what he wanted to know). I guess he was trying to show everyone that he’s smart or something. What a fucking idiot.

idiot #8, #9, #10…
There were so many idiots I spotted in that room, that I kind of lost track of them as individuals. It was as if all of them couldn’t wait to tell me that they’re idiots and I should include them in my list. They’re like zombies creeping out of the muddy dirt. Fucking attention seeking idiots…

idiot #infinity : the VIP again
I couldn’t understand why this guy could become a VIP. The rotund idiot was not only stupid, but he was full of bullshit as well. Stone faced and probably had a 20 second delay to react to anything. He also had the penchant to use high level words like ‘deliverables, strategies, alignment, synergy, teamwork’. Fuck. None of his presentation made sense.
Eg. “My organization plans to work on reducing this & that through teamwork. With strategy.” Yes, but how? Everyone seems to fucking know what’s there to be done… but HOW? What were those high paying bastards doing except wasting time presenting spastic theories and motivational bullcraps? Fucking hell.

I decided to stop counting after that – because the VIP kept showing up in my radar screen and kept messing the score. I kinda lost track of everything and then I left. (It was too idiotic for me)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | 

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