July 26, 2004

the right stuffs

Sometimes, we kinda stumble into stuffs. Random stuffs. Stuffs that we would never think that could be leading to something disastrous. It just has to be the “right stuffs”, on the right time, at the right place. And I kinda experienced such “right stuffs” yesterday.

You see, I have been drinking on Saturday night with a bunch of my buddies – and kinda got myself real inebriated. As always, I will usually get an upset stomach the next day, you know, chemicals stirring shits inside my stomach and purging slimy viscous diarrhea all day long. Yesterday was no exception, my stomach started its upset ritual since early morning… and I had been sleeping well.

Coupled with an extreme hangover, I woke up way past noon in such a sorry state. Basically, I had lost about 30% of the fluid content inside my body and was as dehydrated as an Egyptian mummy. I then frantically stumbled my way into the kitchen to pillage for something to drink – something sweet or sour, to revive my dead taste buds from the excessive drinking the night before.

That was when I smelled something nice in the kitchen. The aroma of something cooking. It didn’t took long for me to find out – that it was a pot of super spicy Asam Laksa soup that my mom was cooking. (Asam Laksa = sweet and sour soup, Thai style, with lots of shallots and other spices. No added preservatives). My absolute favorite. Then, as if it was not delightful for me enough, I also discovered 2 other favorite dishes in cooking – steamed minced meat and a stir fried assortment of vegetables. Oh my god. Nothing came closer to describe the word ‘heavenly’ than how I felt at that moment.

Without a second thought, I helped myself on the dishes. You can imagine that it was like a scene of a bunch of hyenas just took over a impala kill. I ‘restocked’ my lost minerals by ladle-fulls and the bliss was indescribable. I felt so recharged and great after the gluttony episode inside the kitchen.

Now, if you still have not realized the trouble I’m in, let me shed some lights here…

The main ingredients for Asam Laksa = tamarind and shallots. Tamarind is known to have the characteristics of a natural laxative. Shallots as well. They cause gases.

And then there’s the minced meat. Meat gives you the mass inside your stomach, and that’s basically the raw material for shits.

The stir fried vegetables dish sounds innocent, but it is not. The active ingredient – broccoli. Broccoli’s are known to cause gases in your stomach.

Alright, with all those laxatives, gas bombs and mass of meats inside my stomach, coupled with stale whiskeys from the night before – it wasn’t long before my stomach started to have a life of its own. It started with a low frequency growl, then with more gurgling weird sounds. It was as if those chemicals were counter reacting to each other, and something explosive was about to happen. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

The growling went on for the whole afternoon, until when the time came for me to have the lunch leftovers for dinner. This includes a bowl of nice wine-marinated pork, which was brought over by an aunt, in addition to the deadly food I already had. And that was final straw. The dinner set off a washing machine dry spin reaction inside my stomach and I had to crouch down to bear with it. Felt like a few thousand PSI pressing against my stomach linings and pressure was building up. Fast.

I reached to the point of unspeakable agony and suddenly, I saw a bright light beaming down from the sky. The dark stormy cloud started to part, making way for the bright light. That was the moment, when I ripped out the motherfuckest of all stinking fart one can ever imagine. It goes something like “PFFFVOOORRRTT!!!”. The “pfff” at the front was like the sound of leaking air from a set of pressured tires and the “vorrtt” was like some heavy furniture being dragged across an apartment floor – amplified ten folds.

The supernova flatulence emanated some really toxic gas into the atmosphere – a mixture of broccoli, shallots, minced meat, evaporated alcohols, with some hint of ammonia and bile… it was an unimaginable blend of terror. The smell basically seeps into every corner of the house, weakening every living organism in close proximity. Increased heart rate and blood pressure, unexplainable paranoia, were among the symptoms shown.

My mom wasn’t around but Emily wasn’t that lucky. She inhaled some of the gases and gave out a loud yelp. I offered to fan the toxic gas off her but that didn’t help much. It was at a stage beyond what a normal fanning could do. I actually thought of abandoning the house but, it was a fucking silly idea. If I can’t stay home, where else could I go? No. I stayed back and bear with problem.

Damn, who would have thought that a simple outing with friends .. and a nice innocent dinner at home could have created evil of such magnitude? Only with the right stuffs.

michaelooi  | experiences  | 

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