the right stuffs

Sometimes, we kinda stumble into stuffs. Random stuffs. Stuffs that we would never think that could be leading to something disastrous. It just has to be the “right stuffs”, in the right time, at the right place. And I kinda experienced such “right stuffs” yesterday.

You see, I have been drinking on Saturday night with a bunch of buddies - and kinda got myself real inebriated. As always, I will usually get upset stomach the next day, you know, chemicals stirring shits inside my stomach and purging slimy viscous diarrhea all day long. Yesterday was no exception, my stomach started to yell out it’s signatory melancholic rhythm since early morning … and didn’t manage to sleep well.

Slapped with an extreme hangover, I woke up way past noon. Basically, I had lost about 30% of the fluid content inside my body and was as dehydrated as an egyptian mummy. I then frantically stumbled my way into the kitchen to pillage for something to drink - something sweet or sour, to revive my dead tastebuds from the excessive imbibitions the night before.

It was then, I suddenly smelled something nice. The aroma of something cooking. It didn’t took long for me to find out - that it was a pot of super spicy Asam Laksa soup that my mom was cooking. (Asam Laksa = sweet and sour soup, Thai style, with lots of onions and other spices. No added preservatives). Absolutely my favorite. Then, as if it’s not delightful for me enough, I’ve also discovered that my mom also prepared 2 other dishes - steamed minced meat and a stir fried assortment of vegetables. Oh my god. Nothing comes closer to describe the word “heavenly” than how I felt at that moment.

I immediately turned into a very hungry person and started to feast on the dishes. Kinda like a restock session for my lost minerals and dead cells the night before. I ate like wolf who had just been off it’s vegetarian diet. I downed a few bowls of the super spicy soup and hoovered a large portion of each dish without remorse. Goddamn, I felt so recharged and great after the meal.

Now, if you still haven’t realized the trouble I’m in, let me shed some lights here …

Asam laksa soup - main ingredients = tamarind and onions. Tamarind is known to have the characteristics like a natural laxative. Onions are known to build up gases inside your stomach.

Minced meat - main ingredient = meat. It creates more mass inside your stomach and practically, was the raw material for all types of shits.

Stir fried vegetables - main ingredient = broccoli. Broccoli’s are known to cause toxic gases to build up in your stomach.

Alright, with all those laxatives, gas bombs and mass of meats inside my stomach, coupled with stale whiskeys from the night before - it wasn’t long before my stomach started to have a life of it’s own. It started with a low frequency growl, then with more gurgling weird sounds. It was as if those chemicals were concocting themselves to prepare something explosive. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

Well, the growling went on for the whole afternoon, until when the time came for me to have the lunch leftovers for dinner. This includes my aunt’s bowl of nice wine-marinated pork, in addition to the deadly dinner that I had. And that was it. That was when the disaster starts. The dinner sets off a washing machine dry spin reaction inside my stomach and I had to practically crouch down to counter the storm. It felt like a few thousand PSI pressing against my stomach linings and pressure was building up. Fast.

I reached to the point of unspeakable agony and suddenly, I saw a bright light beaming down from the sky. The dark stormy cloud started to part, making way for the bright light. That was the moment, when I ripped out the motherfuckest of all stinking fart one can ever imagine. It goes something like “PFFFFFFFVOOORRRTTTT !!!”. The “pfff” at the front was like the sound of leaking air from a set of pressure tyres and the “vorrtt” was like some heavy furniture being dragged across an apartment floor - amplified ten folds.

The supernova flatulence emanated some really toxic gas into the atmosphere - a miasma of broccoli, onion, minced meat, evaporated alcohols, with some hint of ammonia and bile … it was an unimaginable blend of terror. The smell basically seeps into every corner of the house, weakening every living organism in close proximity. Increased heart rate and blood pressure, unexplainable paranoia, were among the symptoms shown.

My mom wasn’t around but Emily wasn’t that lucky. She inhaled some of the gases and gave out a loud yelp. I offered to fan the toxic gas off her but apparently, that doesn’t help. It was at a stage beyond what a normal fanning could do. I actually thought of abandoning the house but, I still have 15 years of loan to go … so, I kinda have to stay until the gas dispersed.

Damn, who would have thought that a simple outing with friends .. and a nice innocent dinner at home could have created evil of such magnitude ? Only with the right stuffs.