the barney conspiracy

I bet a lot of you guys noticed that Barney the purple dinosaur have invaded our national radio. There has been somekind of promotion of that prehistoric menace around. Kids have been getting excited and cool people like me (and you) have been getting agitated about it’s presence.

Now, what’s so wrong about that purple piece of saturated fat ? If you haven’t realize the dangers we’re already in, then shame on you.

You see, we creatures exist with colors on this planet for some reasons. Dark skinned humans at hotter regions to protect from the harmful rays of sun (google up for pigments). Camouflage colors to hide from predators (wearing dark hood at night to prevent ah longs). Bright colors to attract potential mates (retro make ups by sluts in rave parties for one night stands). Best examples would be the animals. Watch Animal Planet to learn about that.

The first thing that’s so wrong about this controversial character … is that it has that type of purple that would even make Cyndi Lauper cringe in embarrassment. Goddamn. We all know that purple is a very ridiculous color to be assigned to a living creature (see Elton John), what more a prehistoric lizard that has a cool and intimidating reputation of eating everything in sight (like me when I’m on cybersex mood)… Fine, let’s ignore the color.

Let’s talk about it’s physical features. Short limbs, extremely obese and big head. It doesn’t actually look like a dinosaur. Yes ..it has features of a dinosaur but definitely doesn’t look like a dinosaur. It should be called a purple buffoon or something. And with the name Disaster. Loser. or [insert your mother in law's name]. Of all it’s features, the face is the most disturbing part. It has this flat and wide look that resembled an old orangutan. If you don’t know what an orangutan is, well, it’s actually those office clerks that works in government tax office. Here’s a picture comparison of both Barney and orangutan - damn … what an insult to the office clerks !

Then, also notice that Barney has a very nice set of perfectly bleached white human teeth (sparkling at times). What the fuck is going on here ? From the way Barney looks, I think it’s of a T-Rex origin or some big lizard that eats other dinosaur (carnivorous). In that case, it should have a set of fearsome looking razor sharp teeth to tear the tough skin of other dinosaurs … and also to grind meat for better digestion. But by looking at Barney’s teeth - it was as if it maintained a bubble gum diet and probably just off it’s braces. Those set of teeth doesn’t look carnivorous to me. Not to mention the way it does those awkward dances (on national TV !) and sing those gaudy tunes that could kill a full grown retarded pig. Oh … this is getting more and more ridiculous.

Well, one may ask - what harm will Barney do to our kids with all that goofy features ? Imagine yourself spending thousands of ringgit (or insert your own currency here) buying encyclopedias for your kids. You hope you kids to have a stronger general knowledge by reading them. And he learned a lot about cool prehistoric creatures like Tyrannosaurus, Squeezetitsaurus, Sexysaurus or whatever. The real stuffs. Then, one day, your kid suddenly saw Barney doing one of his stupid absurd act on national TV … and he asks you what is that mother-of-all creatures is that thing on TV ? Ok, you’ll tell him it’s a cartoon character on TV. Then, the spoiler came - it’s written in the program that it’s a PURPLE DINOSAUR. Your kid gets obfuscated. Dad says it’s a cartoon character. TV says it’s a purple dinosaur. Books says nothing. Who should he trust ?

Soon, he’ll grow up to have mistrust at the society he’s living in. He will then start to isolate himself in the world of his own and mutilates animals for fun. He’ll grow up to be a very disturbed man and start to suffer mental breakdowns. At the crest of his sick grownup life … he’ll either became a clerk that works in government tax office … or a psychotic dictator that dreamt of conquering the world. Look at what Barney did to Saddam.

Give your child proper education. Buy them books. Teach them proper science. If they want to play or have some fun, bring them to the playground or have a fun vacation at a nearby water park. Stay away from the purple lizard. Fuck Barney.