Archive for July, 2004

July 29, 2004

tiu nia seng

You see, I live in an apartment. That means, car park is always a problem for me. Well, not really a problem but, sort of like a constraint — limitation of 1 car park space per apartment unit. I guess this is an issue faced by majority of apartment dwellers, as most home has more than 1 car nowadays.

So, what happens when there’s only 1 car park space for so many vehicles? One will have to park somewhere else. By the curb. By the roadside. Behind the dumpster. Everywhere. Basically, if there’s a gap big enough to fit a car, it will be used as a place to park a car.

Being the primary ATM machine of the family, I have the privilege to park at the designated parking space, while my mom’s Kancil is usually shoved in any available gaps around the apartment compound. And there’s this unwritten general rule that all the residents here abide – that one should never park at a designated parking space… unless if the apartment unit belongs to a lawyer or a government clerk. Kidding. Unless it was with permission of the owner, of course.

Common sense, if it’s a designated parking space, it means the parking space belongs to someone else. Someone who paid to own the space. The owner has the right to leave it vacant or park his car in it whenever he/she wants.

Being a very rational person, I always respect this rule every time I pay a visit to anyone who lives in an apartment. I always park at the visitor car park or somewhere that does not invade other’s property rights. And I believe for any educated being, this is as rational as it gets. It’s all about being civilized and shit.

But to my surprise, some ignorant people don’t think that way. They think it’s a right thing to do by parking at someone’s designated parking space. Just like those idiots who parked at mine recently. I was fuming mad, not because I had no place to park…. but because I didn’t like the idea of me paying for a space, only to have someone else to park in it. Tiu nia seng !

Those owners always give the same reason – that someone else parked in their space and they have nowhere else to park. Hello!?? Use your brain please… if someone parks at your space, you don’t park at mine. You go search for the owner, and do whatever you want with him/her. Why is that logic so hard to understand?? If I were to think like them, then… should I park at someone else’s place in turn? Then the person who lost his place will in turn do the same thing? And eventually, the chain reaction will trigger a massive blooper of parking at the wrong place. This is fucking ridiculous!

And that kinda proves that a lot human beings actually lacked of common sense. They are bestowed with a functional brain… but never really utilize it. Damn I am so disappointed with the society nowadays. Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
July 28, 2004

spot an idiot

I was asked by my new boss, Pete, to attend a session of presentation by a ‘very important person’ today. I wasn’t in the mood of attending the presentation but, I didn’t have a choice as Pete told me that it was an order from the top and it was compulsory.

When I reached the auditorium for the presentation, it was already half full. The remaining vacant places were either at the front row, or amongst some of the shittiest people I didn’t like. Fuck, I thought. If my somber mood could be directly converted to sexual gratification, I would have ejaculated all over the goddamn room. I then found a nearby empty seat and started daydreaming.

Then, something came to me. I was suddenly struck with an idea to amuse myself throughout the boring session of the presentation. Instead of sitting around killing myself by idling my brain listening to bullshits, I decided to play a game called “Spot An Idiot”. The rules are very simple – Observe the happenings around the room, and identify who’s the idiot. So I started spotting…

idiot #1 : Pete.
That’s my new boss. He’s an idiot. He was the one who invited me to this stupid presentation. It was a total waste of time and attending the presentation wouldn’t have made any difference to anything on any planet. I could have used the time to do something more meaningful like surfing the net. He automatically qualifies to be an idiot for doing that.

idiot #2 : The ‘very important person’.
The guy who did the presentation. Hell, I didn’t even know his fucking name. He is suppose to be our VP or something. He looks like a typical fat American white cop with a thick mustache. He was that kind of nobody cop that always be the first to get shot (and die quickly) in an action film (you get the idea)… I think he’s an idiot because he’s wasting so many people’s time. Period.

idiot #3 : A director called Hamlae (try to find out what that means in Thai…)
When the fat cop VIP started his presentation, that sycophant Hamlae brought in 3 cans of Diet Coke with 3 glasses filled with ice cubes to the VP (VP came with another 2 American managers). Everyone could see that Hamlae was attempting to suck those VIPs dicks. I mean, come on, the session was only like 1 hour… not a 5 hours journey to hell or something. What a fucking cocksucker. He’s a clear winner of all idiots.

idiot #4 : a Malay lady clerk with head scarf
Her cellphone rang out loud during the VIP’s presentation. It was a cheapskate ring tone of a classic P.Ramlee song. She answered it and hung up. Then her phone rang again. The first time was acceptable, but the second time was not. She could have switched her phone to silent after the first time. She’s an idiot.

idiot #5 : the 1st American manager
This guy did his presentation entirely by looking at the screen, not the crowd. He was reading the slides to the crowd… and spoke so softly that I could barely make up the words he said. (Not that it mattered, as I was not paying any attention… but it was important to determine if he’s an idiot). Heck, if it was all about reading slides, he might as well let the crowd read it themselves. A fucking idiot he was.

idiot #6 : the 2nd American manager
When this guy presented his slides, he started it off by talking about his beard. The thing was, he had no beard. Well, he was actually talking about how he used to have a beard. And I thought that was a lame start for any presentation. I do not see how a beard could enhance an experience of listening to any corporate bullshit. If it was supposed to be funny, it was not. I-D-I-O-T.

idiot #7 : Dickhead.
If you remember Dickhead, he was one of the motherfuckers I listed in my hate list. Why was he an idiot? Well, he’s always an idiot… no doubt. But to be fair to the game, he wasn’t one until he raised his hand to ask the VIP a question. What question? I don’t know, because nobody in the room understood what he was trying to ask. The VIP, being an idiot himself, hadn’t got a clue as well. He kinda answered Dickhead by blindly quoting something totally incoherent. Dickhead nodded in approval (even when the answer’s not what he wanted to know). I guess he was trying to show everyone that he’s smart or something. What a fucking idiot.

idiot #8, #9, #10…
There were so many idiots I spotted in that room, that I kind of lost track of them as individuals. It was as if all of them couldn’t wait to tell me that they’re idiots and I should include them in my list. They’re like zombies creeping out of the muddy dirt. Fucking attention seeking idiots…

idiot #infinity : the VIP again
I couldn’t understand why this guy could become a VIP. The rotund idiot was not only stupid, but he was full of bullshit as well. Stone faced and probably had a 20 second delay to react to anything. He also had the penchant to use high level words like ‘deliverables, strategies, alignment, synergy, teamwork’. Fuck. None of his presentation made sense.
Eg. “My organization plans to work on reducing this & that through teamwork. With strategy.” Yes, but how? Everyone seems to fucking know what’s there to be done… but HOW? What were those high paying bastards doing except wasting time presenting spastic theories and motivational bullcraps? Fucking hell.

I decided to stop counting after that – because the VIP kept showing up in my radar screen and kept messing the score. I kinda lost track of everything and then I left. (It was too idiotic for me)

michaelooi  | imaginations  | Comments Off
July 26, 2004

the right stuffs

Sometimes, we kinda stumble into stuffs. Random stuffs. Stuffs that we would never think that could be leading to something disastrous. It just has to be the “right stuffs”, on the right time, at the right place. And I kinda experienced such “right stuffs” yesterday.

You see, I have been drinking on Saturday night with a bunch of my buddies – and kinda got myself real inebriated. As always, I will usually get an upset stomach the next day, you know, chemicals stirring shits inside my stomach and purging slimy viscous diarrhea all day long. Yesterday was no exception, my stomach started its upset ritual since early morning… and I had been sleeping well.

Coupled with an extreme hangover, I woke up way past noon in such a sorry state. Basically, I had lost about 30% of the fluid content inside my body and was as dehydrated as an Egyptian mummy. I then frantically stumbled my way into the kitchen to pillage for something to drink – something sweet or sour, to revive my dead taste buds from the excessive drinking the night before.

That was when I smelled something nice in the kitchen. The aroma of something cooking. It didn’t took long for me to find out – that it was a pot of super spicy Asam Laksa soup that my mom was cooking. (Asam Laksa = sweet and sour soup, Thai style, with lots of shallots and other spices. No added preservatives). My absolute favorite. Then, as if it was not delightful for me enough, I also discovered 2 other favorite dishes in cooking – steamed minced meat and a stir fried assortment of vegetables. Oh my god. Nothing came closer to describe the word ‘heavenly’ than how I felt at that moment.

Without a second thought, I helped myself on the dishes. You can imagine that it was like a scene of a bunch of hyenas just took over a impala kill. I ‘restocked’ my lost minerals by ladle-fulls and the bliss was indescribable. I felt so recharged and great after the gluttony episode inside the kitchen.

Now, if you still have not realized the trouble I’m in, let me shed some lights here…

The main ingredients for Asam Laksa = tamarind and shallots. Tamarind is known to have the characteristics of a natural laxative. Shallots as well. They cause gases.

And then there’s the minced meat. Meat gives you the mass inside your stomach, and that’s basically the raw material for shits.

The stir fried vegetables dish sounds innocent, but it is not. The active ingredient – broccoli. Broccoli’s are known to cause gases in your stomach.

Alright, with all those laxatives, gas bombs and mass of meats inside my stomach, coupled with stale whiskeys from the night before – it wasn’t long before my stomach started to have a life of its own. It started with a low frequency growl, then with more gurgling weird sounds. It was as if those chemicals were counter reacting to each other, and something explosive was about to happen. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

The growling went on for the whole afternoon, until when the time came for me to have the lunch leftovers for dinner. This includes a bowl of nice wine-marinated pork, which was brought over by an aunt, in addition to the deadly food I already had. And that was final straw. The dinner set off a washing machine dry spin reaction inside my stomach and I had to crouch down to bear with it. Felt like a few thousand PSI pressing against my stomach linings and pressure was building up. Fast.

I reached to the point of unspeakable agony and suddenly, I saw a bright light beaming down from the sky. The dark stormy cloud started to part, making way for the bright light. That was the moment, when I ripped out the motherfuckest of all stinking fart one can ever imagine. It goes something like “PFFFVOOORRRTT!!!”. The “pfff” at the front was like the sound of leaking air from a set of pressured tires and the “vorrtt” was like some heavy furniture being dragged across an apartment floor – amplified ten folds.

The supernova flatulence emanated some really toxic gas into the atmosphere – a mixture of broccoli, shallots, minced meat, evaporated alcohols, with some hint of ammonia and bile… it was an unimaginable blend of terror. The smell basically seeps into every corner of the house, weakening every living organism in close proximity. Increased heart rate and blood pressure, unexplainable paranoia, were among the symptoms shown.

My mom wasn’t around but Emily wasn’t that lucky. She inhaled some of the gases and gave out a loud yelp. I offered to fan the toxic gas off her but that didn’t help much. It was at a stage beyond what a normal fanning could do. I actually thought of abandoning the house but, it was a fucking silly idea. If I can’t stay home, where else could I go? No. I stayed back and bear with problem.

Damn, who would have thought that a simple outing with friends .. and a nice innocent dinner at home could have created evil of such magnitude? Only with the right stuffs.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
July 25, 2004

last name

I once get to know that some people’s last name actually originated from their ancestry profession…. like :

Richard Carpenter (a carpenter)
John Hunter (a hunter)
Dan Farmer (a farmer)
George Bush (a whore)

During the ancient times, you can tell what a person does for a living by just looking at their last name. Kinda awesome, isn’t it ?

As you probably have also noticed, all of them were professions that existed for thousands of years. And that kinda makes me wonder, what if we were to do the same for the current modern professions … you know .. making our last name to reflect what we do ? Here’s some example of what it would sound like :

John Gynaecologist
John Politician
John Gigolo
Judy Stripper
Judy Prostitute
Judy Housewife

Not a very good idea, isn’t it ? Especially hard to lie to your parents in law if you’re into vice occupations … like pimping or selling condoms…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
July 24, 2004

“I, Robot” (2004)

I didn’t blog yesterday because I wasn’t at home. My office had blocked the use of blogger so, I kinda have to blog from home now.

So, where did I go last night? I went to watch “I,Robot”. Not bad… a few comments though (warning- I don’t give a shit about letting out spoilers… such as Will Smith is a 1/4 robot…, so, fucking read at your own discretion..):

– the computer animated graphics weren’t really good. The robots ran like wimps and didn’t really look scary enough. I think they have to spend more time rendering, instead of rushing for datelines. Maybe lack of funds…

– The new NS-5 robot looks shitty. Why the human eyes and face ? It just doesn’t make sense. If we ever wanted our robots to look like human, well, we could have hired Filipino maids or Bangladeshi’s. Much cheaper. (side note: the NS-5 robot also uncannily resembled our Penang’s chief minister’s face)

– I noticed that the NS-5 domestic helper robots could climb walls, somersault, kick asses, basically – able to perform any stunts that mimics Jet Li or Jackie Chan – too much for a domestic helper, don’t you think?

– The evil artificial intelligent boss (VIKI) created NS-5 robot with remarkable agility with a sinister plan to take over the world. If that thing’s so intelligent, why didn’t it make the robots bulletproof as well? That doesn’t sound very intelligent to me…

– In the movie, there was this solution of microscopic robots that was used to destroy robotic system or something, forgot what it’s called. The boss actually kept this solution in the same building with her (yes, the boss’ a female artificial intelligent character). Knowing that this could be dangerous… wouldn’t it make more sense if the thing were to destroy the solutions to eliminate any possibility of it being gotten into the wrong hands? Why keep it and have it conveniently reachable by a hero who has shitloads of plans to thwart of your plans to take over the world?

But then, storyline was not at all bad. There were some twists to it. At least it was not just any cheesy plot to destroy the world and some dude prevented it with his heroic one-man-army attitude. If I were to be asked to give a rating to this flick, I would have given it a 6 out of 10 marks – just because I liked that Audi car…

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off