You see, I live in an apartment. That means, car park is always a problem for me. Well, not really a problem but, sort of like a constraint — limitation of 1 car park space per apartment unit. I guess this is every apartment dweller’s problem, as most home has more than 1 car nowadays. One for the bread winner, one for the housewife and one for the kid(s).

So, what happen when there’s only 1 car park space for so many vehicles ? One will have to park somewhere else. By the alley. By the roadside. Behind the dumpster. Anywhere. Basically, if there’s a gap big enough to fit a car, it will be used as a place to park their car.

Being the primary ATM machine of the family, I had the privilege to park at the designated parking space, while my mom’s Kancil was shoved in the gaps around the apartment compound. There’s a general rule that all the residents here abide - that one should never park at a designated parking space …. except if the apartment unit belongs to a lawyer or a government clerk. Kidding.

Common sense, if it’s a designated parking space, that means it belonged to someone. That ’someone’ actually paid to own the space. The owner has the right to leave it blank or park his car whenever he wants. Nobody… even mother in laws … has the right to park at a designated parking space without the consent of the owner.

Being a very rational person, I always respect this rule everytime I pay a visit to anyone who lives in an apartment. I always park at the visitor car park or somewhere that doesn’t invade other’s property rights. And I believe for any educated being, this is as rational as not to punch your mother in law in public (at least do it when she’s alone and was sleeping). It’s all about being civilized.

But to my surprise, some ignorant people doesn’t think so. They think it’s a right thing to do by parking at someone’s designated parking space. Just like those idiots who parked at mine recently. I was fuming mad, not because I have no place to park…. but because I am paying for someone else to park. Tiu nia seng !

Those owners always gave the same reason - that someone else have parked their space and they have nowhere else to park. Hello !?? Use your brain please .. if someone park at your space, you don’t park at mine. You go search for the owner, and do whatever you want with him/her. Why is that logic so hard to understand ?? If I were to think like them, then… should I park at someone else’s place in turn ? Then the person who lost his place will do the same thing ? And eventually, the chain reaction will trigger a massive blooper of parking at the wrong place. This is fucking ridiculous !

And that kinda proves that a lot human beings actually lacked of common sense. They are bestowed with a powerful human brain .. but never really utilizes it. Damn I am so disappointed with the society nowadays. Leave me alone.

P/S: Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t have an issue with my mother in law. In fact, I’ve never seen her before. That’s because she passed away before I get to meet her. She’s actually a very respectable and altruistic person. I’ll explain why but…that’s a story for another day. I am quoting MIL’s as an example because majority of them are flagitious and despicable.

I was asked to attend a session of presentation by a ‘very important person’ today. My boss Pete did it. Knowing that it would be boring, I wasn’t in the mood of attending but, I don’t have a choice as Pete indirectly stressed that “attendance is compulsory”. So, I kinda reluctantly brought myself into the auditorium like room.

It all looked dull as I walked past a mass crowd of engineers who had already taken half of the available seats. If my somber mood could be directly converted to sexual gratification, I would have ejaculated all over the goddamn room. I took a nearby empty seat and started daydreaming.

Then, something came to me. I suddenly have an insight on how to have fun and amuse myself throughout the vapid session of presentation. I decided to play a game called “Spot An Idiot”. The rules ? Observe the happenings around the room, and identify who’s the idiot. It got me excited and I sat upright tight - got myself ready to play the game.

idiot #1 : Pete.
Pete was the one who invited me to this stupid presentation. It’s a waste of time. I could have used the time to do something more meaningful like surfing the net. He automatically became an idiot for doing that. Hahah… that was fun.

idiot #2 : The ‘very important person’.
He looks like a typical white fat American cop with those thick moustache. Was that kind of nobody cop that always be the first to get shot (and die quickly) in any crime battle. Coz he’s too fat and easy to hit. He became an idiot for looking like one. Period. Damn, I’m having too much fun already.

idiot #3 : A director called Hamlae (try to find out what that means in Thai…)
Once the VIP’s presentation started, Hamlae brought in 3 tins of Diet Coke with 3 glasses of ice to the VP (VP came with another 2 American managers). That was clearly a fawning act. I mean, come on, the session was only like 1 hour … not that he’s embarking a 5 hours journey to hell or something. Sheesh… That sycophant worm ought to be shoved with a whale’s dick into his ass. He’s a clear winner of all idiots.

idiot #4 : a Malay lady clerk with head scarf
Her cellphone rings out loud during the VIP’s presentation. Cheapskate ringtone of classic P.Ramlee song. She answered it and hung up. Phone rings again. The first time was acceptable, but the second time was not. She could have switched her phone to silent after the first time. Idiot.

idiot #5 : the 1st American manager
It was his turn to present. That guy did his presentation entirely by looking at the screen, not the crowd. He was reading the slides …and spoke so softly that I can barely make up the words he said. (Not that it matters, as I’m not paying attention… but it’s important to determine if he’s an idiot). Heck, if it was all about reading slides, might as well let the crowd read it themselves. We have a confirmed idiot here. Oo yeah … so many idiots.

idiot #6 : the 2nd American manager
When this guy presented his slides, he started it off by talking about his beard. He has no beard. Well, he’s actually talking about how he used to have a beard. And I think that was lame. Nobody talks about beard during a formal presentation. And it was not funny. I think he’s fucking stupid. I-D-I-O-T.

idiot #7 : Dickhead.
If you remember Dickhead, he was one of the motherfuckers I’ve listed in my hate list. Why is he an idiot ? Well, he’s always an idiot .. no doubt. But to be fair to the game, he wasn’t one … until he raised his hand to ask the VIP a question. What question ? I don’t know, coz nobody in the room understood what he’s trying to ask. The VIP, being an idiot himself, kinda answered him blindly and his answer was totally out of context. Dickhead nodded in approval (even when the answer’s not what he wanted to know). He’s trying to show everyone he “boleh”. Fuck him. He’s an idiot.

idiot #8, #9, #10…
Fuck. So many of them. Engineers. It was as if they can’t wait to tell me that they’re an idiot. It’s like zombies creeping out of the muddy dirt. A few engineers stood up to ask stupid questions … like “What is your strategy … bla bla … what is your plan … bla bla … what do you think… bla bla…” Fucking flatterers. Why won’t they ask the VIP through email if they wanted to know so much ? Why has it got to be during the presentation ? To seek attention - that’s why. Idiots everywhere.

idiot #infinity : the VIP again
I don’t understand why he can become a VIP. The rotund idiot was not only stupid, but he’s full of bullshit as well. Stone faced and probably had a 20 second delay to react to anything. He likes to use high level words… like “deliverables, strategy, align, synergize, teamwork”. Fuck. None of his presentation makes sense.
Eg. “My organization plans to work on reducing this & that through teamwork. With strategy.” Yes, but how ? Everyone kinda fucking knows what’s the goal … but HOW ? What are you high paying bastards doing except wasting time presenting something that was so spastic ? A lot of talks going on, and I have heard the same thing for so many years. None of them actually put to work.

I decided to stop counting after that - because the VIP kept showing up in my radar screen and kept messing the score. I kinda lost count and stopped.

Sometimes, we kinda stumble into stuffs. Random stuffs. Stuffs that we would never think that could be leading to something disastrous. It just has to be the “right stuffs”, in the right time, at the right place. And I kinda experienced such “right stuffs” yesterday.

You see, I have been drinking on Saturday night with a bunch of buddies - and kinda got myself real inebriated. As always, I will usually get upset stomach the next day, you know, chemicals stirring shits inside my stomach and purging slimy viscous diarrhea all day long. Yesterday was no exception, my stomach started to yell out it’s signatory melancholic rhythm since early morning … and didn’t manage to sleep well.

Slapped with an extreme hangover, I woke up way past noon. Basically, I had lost about 30% of the fluid content inside my body and was as dehydrated as an egyptian mummy. I then frantically stumbled my way into the kitchen to pillage for something to drink - something sweet or sour, to revive my dead tastebuds from the excessive imbibitions the night before.

It was then, I suddenly smelled something nice. The aroma of something cooking. It didn’t took long for me to find out - that it was a pot of super spicy Asam Laksa soup that my mom was cooking. (Asam Laksa = sweet and sour soup, Thai style, with lots of onions and other spices. No added preservatives). Absolutely my favorite. Then, as if it’s not delightful for me enough, I’ve also discovered that my mom also prepared 2 other dishes - steamed minced meat and a stir fried assortment of vegetables. Oh my god. Nothing comes closer to describe the word “heavenly” than how I felt at that moment.

I immediately turned into a very hungry person and started to feast on the dishes. Kinda like a restock session for my lost minerals and dead cells the night before. I ate like wolf who had just been off it’s vegetarian diet. I downed a few bowls of the super spicy soup and hoovered a large portion of each dish without remorse. Goddamn, I felt so recharged and great after the meal.

Now, if you still haven’t realized the trouble I’m in, let me shed some lights here …

Asam laksa soup - main ingredients = tamarind and onions. Tamarind is known to have the characteristics like a natural laxative. Onions are known to build up gases inside your stomach.

Minced meat - main ingredient = meat. It creates more mass inside your stomach and practically, was the raw material for all types of shits.

Stir fried vegetables - main ingredient = broccoli. Broccoli’s are known to cause toxic gases to build up in your stomach.

Alright, with all those laxatives, gas bombs and mass of meats inside my stomach, coupled with stale whiskeys from the night before - it wasn’t long before my stomach started to have a life of it’s own. It started with a low frequency growl, then with more gurgling weird sounds. It was as if those chemicals were concocting themselves to prepare something explosive. It wasn’t a very pleasant experience.

Well, the growling went on for the whole afternoon, until when the time came for me to have the lunch leftovers for dinner. This includes my aunt’s bowl of nice wine-marinated pork, in addition to the deadly dinner that I had. And that was it. That was when the disaster starts. The dinner sets off a washing machine dry spin reaction inside my stomach and I had to practically crouch down to counter the storm. It felt like a few thousand PSI pressing against my stomach linings and pressure was building up. Fast.

I reached to the point of unspeakable agony and suddenly, I saw a bright light beaming down from the sky. The dark stormy cloud started to part, making way for the bright light. That was the moment, when I ripped out the motherfuckest of all stinking fart one can ever imagine. It goes something like “PFFFFFFFVOOORRRTTTT !!!”. The “pfff” at the front was like the sound of leaking air from a set of pressure tyres and the “vorrtt” was like some heavy furniture being dragged across an apartment floor - amplified ten folds.

The supernova flatulence emanated some really toxic gas into the atmosphere - a miasma of broccoli, onion, minced meat, evaporated alcohols, with some hint of ammonia and bile … it was an unimaginable blend of terror. The smell basically seeps into every corner of the house, weakening every living organism in close proximity. Increased heart rate and blood pressure, unexplainable paranoia, were among the symptoms shown.

My mom wasn’t around but Emily wasn’t that lucky. She inhaled some of the gases and gave out a loud yelp. I offered to fan the toxic gas off her but apparently, that doesn’t help. It was at a stage beyond what a normal fanning could do. I actually thought of abandoning the house but, I still have 15 years of loan to go … so, I kinda have to stay until the gas dispersed.

Damn, who would have thought that a simple outing with friends .. and a nice innocent dinner at home could have created evil of such magnitude ? Only with the right stuffs.

I once get to know that some people’s last name actually originated from their ancestry profession…. like :

Richard Carpenter (a carpenter)
John Hunter (a hunter)
Dan Farmer (a farmer)
George Bush (a whore)
etc

During the ancient times, you can tell what a person does for a living by just looking at their last name. Kinda awesome, isn’t it ?

As you probably have also noticed, all of them were professions that existed for thousands of years. And that kinda makes me wonder, what if we were to do the same for the current modern professions … you know .. making our last name to reflect what we do ? Here’s some example of what it would sound like :

John Gynaecologist
John Politician
John Gigolo
Judy Stripper
Judy Prostitute
Judy Housewife

Not a very good idea, isn’t it ? Especially hard to lie to your parents in law if you’re into vice occupations … like pimping or selling condoms…

I didn’t blog yesterday because I wasn’t at home. My office had blocked the use of blogger so, I’m kinda have to blog from home now.

So, where did I go last night ? I went to watch “I,Robot”. Not bad… a few comments though (warning- I don’t give a shit about letting out spoilers … such as Will Smith is a 1/4 robot…, so, fucking read at your own discretion..):

- the computer animated graphics aren’t really good. The robots ran like wimps and doesn’t really look scary. I think they got to spend more time rendering, instead of rushing for datelines. Maybe lack of funds…

- the new NS-5 robot looks shitty. Why the human eyes and face ? It just doesn’t make sense. If we ever wanted our robots to look like human, well, we could have hired Filipino maids or Bangladeshi’s. Much cheaper. (side note: the NS-5 robot also uncannily resembled our Penang’s chief minister’s face)

- also noticed NS-5 robots could climb walls, summersault, kick asses, basically - able to perform any stunts that mimicks Jet Li or Jackie Chan - and it’s suppose to be a domestic helper. Kinda hard to swallow, isn’t it ?

- alright, let’s assume the intelligent software boss (VIKI) purposely created NS-5 model to have good agility and martial arts capable. But fuck, not bulletproof. Wouldn’t it be more practical to just assemble them in Kevlar materials to make them more formidable ? And that thing’s suppose to be intelligent …

- the movie also mentioned of a solution of microscopic robots that used to destroy robotic system or something, forgot what it’s called. The boss actually kept this solution in the same building with her (yes, the boss’ a female artificial intelligent character). Knowing that this could be dangerous … wouldn’t it be wise to just instruct one of her robotic drones to just scrap that few bottles of solution ? Cast into an ocean, feed it to a dog or something … it’s still illogical to keep something that was meant to destroy your own existence in close proximity.

Alright, the storyline’s not bad. Some twist to it. Not just any cheesy plot to destroy the world and some dude prevented it with his heroic one-man-army attitude.

If there’s any rating from me, this one deserves a 3 out of 5 - just because I liked the Audi car…