Archive for June, 2004

June 7, 2004

to whom it may concern

*to whom it may concern..*
I fucking hate all those chain/junk mails that have teddy bears… roses… cute babies and shits. Most of them are often accompanied by some stupid poems… and those aesthetic quotes that would make a bustard cringe. I do not know why would anyone want to waste so much time photoshopping the copyrighted pictures… and insert those shitty poems in them. What is the point? What is the purpose?

Let me tell you this, no one fucking likes to read stupid love poems – that is. It’s damn frustrating to open up a mail only to see those retarded quotes and poems – nobody’s gonna get sentimental over it except faggots. You know what most guys want? We want to see video clips of assholes like you hitting a boner fucking a pig. That’s what we are interested to see.

Well, if you fucking want to spread love… go do it to your gay partner. Don’t fucking compile those craps in an email, and start warning everyone that they’re gonna get herpes or something if they don’t forward it to the next 8 person in their address book.

Hell, there’s even one of them who freaking remarked that FAMILY stands for ‘Father And Mother I Love Yamseng (it’s “You” actually)’. Fuck. What kind of stupid shit is that? That is so fucking lame. Family is actually defined as “parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not”. That fucking means, you cretins still belong to a family whether or not you love your parents. Should have known that in your nursery years… morons.

So, what do you need to do now? Other than eating a pile of horse shit and die, you can do this — DON’T EVER FORWARD *JUNK MAILS TO ANYONE.

*definition of junk mails = informal mails that contain anything non-work related or of least importance. This includes advertisements of penis/vagina enlargement creams… viagras… bio-degradable dildos… prosthetic cunts… etc.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
June 6, 2004

friday evening

Friday evening, I was clubbed at the head and dragged with my head full of blood to a shopping mall by Emily. With my blood still pouring out profusely, I was made to walk hundreds of miles worth of tormenting steps, while Emily was in a frenzy of clothes buying…

Ok, I made all that up, but it was about as close as how it felt like being dragged to a shopping madness by my wife. I’m not a religious person but I have always wanted to say this – God… I hate shopping. It’s tiring, it’s boring and it’s a fucking waste of time.

That Friday evening was one of the worst time I ever had in a shopping mall. Walked for 3 hours without food and water, I was basically at the brink of wanting to end my life by jumping off from the third floor in the mall… when I was distracted by a couple of good looking young girls on the ground floor (Emily was ransacking some clothes in one of the boutiques).

Apparently, they were at this ‘open air’ undergarments outlet… and were checking some of the lacy bras out. I observed them for a whole 5 minutes from the 3rd floor above, and it looked as if they couldn’t decide if they wanted to buy any of them. They had a few side discussions while holding those bras… and at certain point of time, it got somewhat technical – stretching those brassieres pointing their boobs etc. I was kind of amused.

Then, as one of them twisted and grabbed those bras to check for quality defects, another one went towards the ‘bats’ section. *refer pic below for illustrative reference*

That girl took a particular liking to a few bats, took them off the shelf and matched them to her piece of farm. She was like, doing this in the open… without giving a damn if anyone was looking. I was wondering what exactly she wanted to know by stretching those lacy underwears… if it really matches her beaver? I don’t know, but if it were to be me, I would normally grab a box of underwear… quickly get the hell to the nearest pay counter, pay as fast as I could… and get the fuck out of there. I watched the girl stretching and matching each underwear she likes… and I was cackling like a mad fuck on the 3rd floor balcony by myself.

I continued to laugh myself stupid while ogling at the 2 girls doing their meticulous picks… until I realized that I was being ‘watched’ myself. It was a middle aged housewife who stood exactly opposite of where I was on the same floor. She was giving me this disdainful look, and I noticed that she had been checking me out all these while. From the way she looked at me, she must thinking that I was some sort of sick pervert peeking on some chicks trying out undergarments at the ground floor… I don’t blame her for that, for if I were to be in her situation (eg. saw some housewife peeping a guy grabbing a box of underwear while giggling herself stupid), I would have thought of her the same way.

But I continued to ogle at those girls … totally ignoring the old bitch’s second opinion about me.

michaelooi  | ramblings  | Comments Off
June 3, 2004

“MichaelOoi’s Concept”

Our world is becoming smaller as our civilizations age. Why? Because we humans keep reproducing and the land area remained the same. The end result is inevitable – that the place we all live in… is going to be so teeming with people, and we’re gonna spend more a great more deal of time stuck in the traffic. Government officials are too stupid to be able to do anything about it… and it’s a problem that seemingly can’t be solved at all.

But they are all so wrong. There’s a way out of it. I conceived of an idea when I was taking a dump today. Not any simple idea… but one that’s going to change the world big time. One that’s going to make our world a better place to live. And I’m going to detail it out here in my blog, so that you know you heard it from me first in case anyone were to start to follow this breakthrough idea. Here’s how it will work. (let’s call this idea – “MichaelOoi’s Concept”.)

If you want to get a better grasp on what “MichaelOoi’s Concept” is all about, you’ll have to drive yourself out to the nearest expressway/highway in the wee hours of the morning. 3am should be perfect. Park your car/bike at the side of the expressway’s emergency lane. Take a good look around you. What do you see? Nothing…

No life, nothing. An under utilized road and with occasional drunk drivers passing by. Now, what does that tell you? In industrial term, it is called ‘idling’. That means, something is not put to a good use here. Roads are built for vehicles to commute… and when it is left idle like this, it’s not being put to a good use.

“But everyone’s sleeping at that hour!” – some would say. But that’s not the point. Why do we leave our roads blank for the period of 7 – 8 hours to sleep… and then everyone fucking jam/congest it in the next 16 – 17 hours? If this were to happen in a production line, that would meant — all of us will have to wait at least a few months just to buy a frigging television… and demands will overcome supply. Inflation will soar… and we won’t be able to afford even a 12 pack condom from 7-11. Why? Because basically there will be no 24 hours production shift in the entire world to supply whatever that we need in our life!

And if you get the gist of what I’m trying to say here — this is exactly what’s happening to our world today. It’s been part of our everyday life and we don’t even realize it (well, except the brilliant me, of course). Why banks and post offices only open at office hour when everyone’s working? How the hell are we able to go to the banks if we have to go to work ourselves? Take our time off from work to go to banks? That means lost of productivity… THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN WHAT WE ALL THINK OF!!

The problem with the world today – is that we lose too much time and resources living our life at the same shift pattern. Roads are deserted and left idle after midnight… and excessively congested during the day. Banks are operating during office hours… when people are too busy at work, and they finish work, the banks are closed. And lots more.

How to solve this? Staggered time plan. Just like the shift pattern in a factory. To maximize our limited 24 hours. Our time should be divided into 4 quadrants of 9 hours each. Each quadrant then overlaps one another by 3 hours – which makes up the 24 hours of the day. Then, to assign industrial sector (and all it’s direct support businesses) in one of the quadrant, then the commercial sector in the next quadrant. Then this is followed by government or private services (like post office, immigration office, lawyer firms, prostitute rings, etc) in the subsequent quarter — and the last quadrant to be assigned to agricultural sector. Each sector will operate within it’s respective quadrant time range (as the basic reference point)… get the picture?

This way, the population would be balanced out across the same piece of land, occupying every single minute of our planet with maximum efficiency. We don’t have to worry about the common ‘office hours’ problem. We can just go to banks or post office right after work, before we sleep. The society works in a chain… supporting each other moving the economy forward. No shit… that it will be a bliss for any country’s economy if this idea were to be practiced.

The advantages? here they are
– 75% decrease (approximate value) in traffic anywhere in the country.
– maximum efficiency of the working force (eg. banking after working hours, banks to operate at full capacity, etc)
– reduction of unemployment rate (government sector will require more workforce to support bigger range of ‘administrative hours’ in the country)
– reduction in vice activities (due to increase of efficiency in administrative sector as highlighted above)

and much more that probably I myself have yet to foresee.

Implementing this won’t be easy… as mankind has been following the sun all their life… and it will be very difficult to change the habit. But hey, if it’s easy, they won’t have to waste so much money building subways to cope with the overcrowding.

Shoot me questions if you want.

I have spoken.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
June 2, 2004

somebody tell me …

Sent my mobile phone for a complete medical checkup. Scanned it with the most advanced medical equipment to-date aka digital camera and here are the results ..

a – speckles of white substances blocking the visual organ. Appears to be some light particles deposited from electrostatic charge on the part. An early sign of glaucoma.

b – dark layer of inner epidermal alienating the visual appeal of button. Signs of wear/tear from a prolonged period of repeated abrasion of surface.

c – silver paint flaking off revealing an irregular patches/blotches of white plastics. The subject is clearly suffering some form of vitiligo (search: Michael Jackson) in it’s terminal state.

d – discoloration of sorts observed on the area at the top of the visual organ. Lack of B-complex that causes a rare malnourishment that causes rapid deterioration of the pigment.

Somebody tell me… that my mobile phone is still in it’s pink of health.

michaelooi  | nonsense  | Comments Off
June 1, 2004

can of worms

We humans have evolved a long way to become what we are today. And it all started with LOVE. You know, boy meets girl… gets a hard on and pork out of their daylights. Got themselves some kids, and the process repeats. They bred and started to populate the Earth. Then came the clothes and civilization. Then they lost all the animals hides, got some clothes on and it was before long, people started to work in office… shits like that. No, I’m not going to start preaching about evolution, but about the changes that we face today.

As you can see, LOVE is a very simple thing. It’s just a feeling… of ourselves for the opposite gender (some same gender, but I ain’t gonna touch on that). A feeling that will eventually translates into many things — like having sex .. get yourself some serious commitments… having sex … quarrel with mother in laws … having sex … having more relatives .. *have I mentioned having sex? Well, things get more complex thereon.

As our civilization advances, the feeling – LOVE – evolved with us as well. I do not know how it happened but, somewhere in the past, LOVE somewhat got associated with MONEY. LOVE = MONEY. Yes, this feeling comes with a price now. Kinda ironic isn’t it? Money is root of all evil… and it is also the major thing for LOVE.

No money, no love. Well, some of you might want to hoot me up for this but, hell, ask yourself — it’s an ugly fact. Now, let’s list out the things support this fact

1) Meet someone you love. What do you do? You buy her something to win her heart. Something like a bouquet of flowers. Which is usually very expensive. The more expensive the bouquet of flower is, the more impressed she will be. Hence, more money, more flowers, more love.

2) Well, assuming that you have a little bit of luck and managed to go steady with her. When you’re in a relationship, you’ll need to celebrate various occasions to renew it (else, your love will expire like a road tax). Namely, Valentine’s Day or the anniversary of the first time you swiped your card into her slot machine, which… requires some gift to make it more happening. Something like a bouquet of flowers. Which is very expensive. Money again.

3) Alright, then both of you decided to tie the knot. Then come the difficult period of getting married. Splurging on fucking expensive dresses/clothes you get to wear only once. Not forgetting the expensive wedding photo packages, and the much dreaded reception banquet. All these, are super expensive and for that, you’ll have to hope that you gain back your money’s worth from the wedding guests’ gift, which usually comprises of scraps and remnants of your original budget. No money, no marriage.

4) After spending a big chunk of your hard earned money on that stupid wedding to please hordes of people you don’t give a fuck about, you then have to get yourself a home (no doubt, expensive), so that you can set up a family and make yourself a permanent place for that. Now that you have love… and you thought that you’ll live a happy life with her forever. But you’re wrong, this is just the beginning.

5) Your feeling of love ramified. Your wife is pregnant and eventually, gives birth to your son. More love. The hospital fee will cost you your bonus… which can be used to buy a really cool digital camera. Then when the little guy cries for milk, you fork out more for the formula, and it becomes a worsening habit. No money, no kid.

6) Your kid then becomes a teenager. More money. For his brand new bike, his lunch money at McDonalds, some nice garbs to get the attention and some bowling, and the big one – college funds for his tertiary education. Why would you bother to pay for all that? That’s because he’s your son and you love him. You do it for the love. Money for love.

7) Retirement years. You just lost your steady income and have to depend on your savings and EPF to survive. Your kid is now an adult and is starting out on his own. He just got himself a really good executive level job and you’re proud of him. But then, he needs a car to bring him to work… and doesn’t have enough money to buy it himself yet (because he wouldn’t have a saving big enough, just started work maa …). A bike wouldn’t cut the mustard for an executive job so… you’ll have no choice but to help him buy a car. And there goes your savings. (that’s assuming that you only plan to have only ONE KID.)

So, think about it. Why do we have to pay so much for just a feeling? I don’t get it. Do you need to spend a lot for hating someone? No. How about feeling sad? Nope, just some tissues to wipe away the tears… can very well afford pay for it. But not love… for it is so freaking expensive.

But then… just like everyone else, I’ll still do it (for reasons unknown to myself)…

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