June 12, 2004

my wedding photo

June 10, the day I had my wedding photos taken at the bridal house…

9.20 am – arrives at bridal house. We’re 20 minutes late. Greeted by a blimp chick – who is our makeup artist… I forgot her name, but let’s just call her, Fifi. Quite a friendly girl she is.

9.25 am – Fifi starts to work on Emily’s face. She has a big black case with all her tools and brushes … and she dons an apron. I asked her if she’s preparing to clean some seriously clogged sewage pipe… she then laughs like snorting hog.

9.35 am – Emily tells me she forgot to bring her black panties to suit one of her black transparent night dress. I have to go back home to get it for her. I then tell Emily I won’t be back and bid her farewell. (I am just kidding, of course)

10.15 am – I return to the bridal house with the black panties. I couldn’t find Emily in the place. There is a chick sitting in front of our makeup counter though. Where could Emily be?

10.15 am – It turns out that the knockout chick sitting in front of our makeup counter IS EMILY. I vociferate at Fifi… “Is that my wife??” Fifi then tells me that she painted her face white with foundation and some other type of chemical, a pair of fake eyelashes and a few dozen cans of hairspray. Emily now resembles Kelly Hu from “The Scorpion King”. I then tell Fifi and the gang of blood sucking bridal house attendants — “Now… I am fully aware the harm that we men are exposed to… this is so fucking deceiving!!!”

10.30 am – Emily completed her makeup session. Fifi then asks me to sit in front of the makeup counter… which surprises me. “Me? I need to makeup as well?”. Fifi nods. Not wanting to upset Fifi, I reluctantly get myself to sit in front of the makeup counter. She then smears some transparent cream on my face and following conversation takes place…

Me : “What’s this ?”

Fifi : “Amp-puse”

Me : “Amp-puse? What does it do?”

Fifi : “Amp-puse makes the foundation stick better to your skin …”

Me : “What’s a foundation?”

Fifi : “The powder that makes your face fairer…”

Me : “Why do I need to make my face fairer?”

Fifi : “To look better in the pictures …”

Me : “Do I need to wear a skirt? Shave my armpit? Bra?”

10.35 am – Fifi takes out a sponge and starts to pad the so-called foundation onto my face. It feels weird. And the sponge stinks. Imagine the same sponge that has been used to pad countless of faces of soon-to-be housewives… a perfect sanctuary / breeding place of bacteria and parasites… It reeks like an unwashed sock that could literally kill a full grown leper skunk.

10.40 am – Fifi asks if I want to spray some dye onto my hair. I vehemently declined. I tell her that dyeing one’s hair is immoral and is an insult to a guy’s decency. I quote the adjective of being – Ah Beng. Right at the time, there is a guy next to me having his hair dyed (some shit brown color) and he isn’t very happy about what I said.

10.45 am – Finally get to meet the photographer – which is a young lass. Not very good looking but, she walks like a model. Then, there is this tomboy female assistant of hers who resembles David Finch in many ways. And Finch is the one that will be helping me to put on my tie and shits like that. I then discuss with the photographer about the kind of poses we wanted. I give her a few key words – “simple, natural and yet elegant”.

10.50 am – In the studio. The place is very stuffy and warm. I start to sweat like mad. Finch says she’ll help me to wipe the sweat. How I wish that she is hot with big tits.

Alright, for the entire day (until 7pm), both myself and Emily was made to act in front of the camera like a puppet. It wasn’t pleasant at all. The studio was really warm and stuffy… and poor Finch had to wipe my sweat as if I was a leaking roof.

Upon completion of the photography session, I brought Emily out for a great dinner to celebrate… and when we reached home, I had to immediately clean off the excessive mousse and hairspray from my head. Feeling really exhausted, I fell asleep after stumbling out from the bathroom… and never regained consciousness until the next morning.

That was my day at the bridal house.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | 

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