Archive for May, 2004

May 15, 2004

“Troy” (2004)

Watched “Troy” last night. Ain’t really a Brad Pitt fan so… my review will be kind of biased for this movie.

1) My favorite male character in this movie would be Hector. Why Hector? Because I think he’s the only one with balls. Died defending his country with great honor… what more could one asks for? As for the rest, they died fighting for chicks. And that pretty much includes Archilles (Brad Pitt).

2) My favorite female character in this movie would be no other than Archilles’ mom… that old hag who gives shit ass opinion to his son while collecting sea shells. [Long pause…] Alright, I was just kidding… My favorite female character would of course be Helen. That Helen is sooooooo damn hot! The blue eyes… the cleavage… the smooth skin… Oh my god. If anyone has a link of Diane Kruger posing nekkid… kindly buzz me an email. The kindness would be greatly appreciated.

3) The battles scenes are cheesy. Not enough blood. The war in Troy looked more like a school gang fight when compared to The Lord Of The Rings. The producers could have focused the flick more on the battle scenes than the drama of heroes courting chicks. And the movie script also sucked.

4) The wooden horse sucked as well. And the thing doesn’t even look like it was made of wood. It looked more like it was made of discarded tires or something like that. The Trojans would have had second thought on hauling the ugly thing into their fortified city. And even more ridiculous was, they even bothered to haul it with logs. I mean… come on… we all know that the wooden horse of Sparta comes with its own wheels!

5) I was falsely made to believe that the Trojans are the one who had the signature “mohawk brush” on top of their helmets… (referring to a picture on a popular brand of soap powder). When I saw the Spartans wearing the “mohawk brush” helmet… it kinda made me confuse of who is who. But this has nothing to do with the movie… it was my own mistake.

6) The character Archilles — I seriously think they could have gotten a better person to take that role. Brad Pitt is too fucking short to be Archilles. Maybe they should get The Rock to do it. Nothing will go wrong if they hire The Rock… he’ll rip asses apart without mercy… and all the chicks in the movie would fall for him. There will be no war, because everyone loves The Rock.

7) The best part of the movie had to be the part where Hector slit Archilles’ retarded cousin’s throat. The poor guy was choking for breath… and I think that part looked very authentic and awesome.

Overall, the whole flick was practically goofy and preposterous. A great epic that got butchered by delinquents and untalented farts.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
May 14, 2004

qualifications of a modern angel

Qualities in a girl that turn me on (besides having a pretty face)

1) Long hairs. Not armpit or pubic hairs… but the hairs on the head. Girls with long hairs always give good impressions. I don’t know why. Maybe it creates an illusion that the subject is more feminine, as opposed to a short haired skank that could open a bottle cap with her clit.

2) Cleanly shaved armpit (added bonus if it’s fair). Girls with bushy armpit scare me a fucking lot. I somehow have an impression that a person with bushy armpit smells. Like the Banglas and their ilks. I wouldn’t want to bed someone that smells.

3) Sweaty girls. I have this fetish for sweaty athletic chicks, with their unkempt hair and all. Oh my god. I strongly think that a chick’s womanly scent is at its optimal point when she works out and sweats. With no artificial perfume, cologne or deodorant… as original as fresh orange peels. But then, if the sweaty subject happens to have bushy armpits… the effect would then be the totally opposite…

4) Tall girls with long legs. Let’s just say, I have some experiences with individuals of such physique before… that reinforces my belief that tall girls with long legs are all great in bed. And it appears that I have been right. See those high heels in the 70’s? Those are some of the inventions to make girls look artificially taller and have longer legs… so that we guys would be deceived to believe that they are all great in bed.

5) Girls with a firm and round ass. Firm and round asses make me hallucinate. It’s almost like a strong alcoholic drink… you know. Makes you imagine stuff. Fun stuff. I can’t help but wonder, how could a simple part of a body (one that handles the human waste, at that) have such a significant effect on men. *shakes head in disbelief*

6) Tight fitting white T-shirts (doesn’t matter if it’s revealing or not). This is quite common, so I don’t really even need to explain why this deserves such a special mention. I’m sure you guys know what I’m talking about here. *wink wink*. Does not applicable to those with virtually flat chest.

7) Pantylines with flowery lace. Saw that once on a very firm-looking and round ass in my company… and has since decided that it’s the next best thing other than the ass itself. Lacy underwear rocks!

8) Broad shoulders. Just like those Australian Olympic swimmers… or something like Anna Kournikouva (I hope I spelled her right). It’ll be such a turn off if a girl has a narrow shoulder, or simply too emaciated to have anything broad. I fucking hate to imagine myself humping a skeleton… Alright, I have to admit something here… yes… we guys sometimes fantasize about humping our visual targets…. Don’t ask/bitch.

9) Un-shaved eyebrows. I prefer lushy eyebrows over those thinly sketched artificial eyebrows. Anytime. I don’t know why girls love to pluck their fucking eyebrows just so that they look so much closer to ridiculousness. Just leave your eyebrows alone… for fuck’s sake. A lot of guys think lushy eyebrows are sexy. Don’t believe me? Shave your fucking eyebrow and die.

10) Clean and long finger nails. I once heard a girl’s fingernails (and teeth) define her standards. Clean and long fingernail means, she’s someone hygienic and grooms herself well. Short and dirty fingernails means she’s probably a drag who fixes her own bike and smokes more cigarette a day more than an average bloke does in a week.

I think that’s about it. I know, I’m not easy to please… but at least I’m honest, not like some pretentious cocksucker who has to resort to lies and deception just to get into someone’s pants.

Anyway, if any of you fulfills all the traits above and would like to apply for the position of a part/full time mistress or sex slave… kindly drop me an email with your photo and phone number. Your application will be thoroughly reviewed and considered. Thanks.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
May 13, 2004

traumatic experience

This incident happened when I was 15

It was a hot afternoon. Me and a friend named Kenneth were waiting for our school bus to go home… perching on a metal railing under an overhead pedestrian bridge. We were happily chatting with each other when somewhat tall school girl stood in front of us.

She was staring at me without saying a word for what must be like, 10 seconds or so… and then she asked me “What are you guys doing here?”

Surprised, I responded:

“Excuse me girl… do I know you?”

And then she repeated her question,

“I am asking you again… what are you guys doing here?”

The second question sounded a bit rude… as if she was looking for an underwear thief and we were the prime suspects. I was starting to get freaked out at that time, because I thought she might be some homeless kooky girl on street looking someone to bash.

“Well… we are chatting, if it is not that obvious to you…”

“Chatting? You call that chatting?”

I smelled sarcasm in her remarks. Kenneth was giving out an agitated look as a sign of disapproval of her weird way of asking so much questions. I had to verbally mock her back :

“Bitch, what exactly do you want?”

“You guys weren’t chatting.”

“Oh yeah? So, what are we doing then, smartass?”

“You guys are peeping our underwear…”

Our location was actually a good spot to scope for upskirts, as it was right under a pedestrian bridge. But we weren’t peeping of course. We’re being falsely accused.

“Hey bitch… watch what you’re talking..”

“You PERVERTS! SHAME ON YOU!!”

She attracted a lot of attention from the rest of the students nearby, and started to yell profanities at us. By that time, we noticed that she there was already a bunch of cronies standing nearby, giggling at our predicament. Apparently, they were playing some kind of ‘dare’ game… and we’re being their victims. So we’re like, unfortunate enough to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. After the stunt, the girl then fled up onto that overhead bridge laughing like a retard while pointing at us.

We were just shocked shitless there, and didn’t respond for a while until Kenneth broke loose… and shouted back at the girls “You whores!! I hope you got raped by a school bus and run over by a stinking dick!”

[something creative like that].

I followed suit by screaming at the top of my lungs in hokkien “Le mah ho beh kan !!” [your mom got fucked by a horse].

But it was already too late… the damage had been done. All the students in vicinity were looking at both of us as if we’re some sick perverts peeping at innocent school girls under that overhead bridge. Their gazes were so fucking uneasy that we had to immediately bail the fuck out of the place and waited for our school bus somewhere else.

Needless to say, we never hung out near that railing under that stupid bridge ever again.

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off
May 12, 2004

special mail

Part of my job function is to manage supplier quality in my company’s manufacturing plant. Today, 2 of my supplier top management personnel paid me a scheduled visit with a ‘relationship renewal’ agenda. No… they weren’t here to give me a round of hot steamy sex. They were here (all the way from Taiwan) to give me a good lunch… and also to ensure their business are all in good hands (that I am not an asshole, etc).

As both of them are from the top management (an MD and a manager), I was suppose to get my boss to handle them. But coincidentally, Pete is in Ireland for some business trip and the director was busy jacking off at other functions. So I had to be their host for the day.

So, off we went for a great lunch and came back into business by 2 pm. Then I presented some of our high-tech-engineering-classified-report to impress the shit out of them. Well… they were duly impressed needless to say… until I switched to my email program to look for some of the important files.

Now, as most of you probably have encountered, we always have those kind of shameless friends who would send you some non-work related stuffs. Especially those lewd pictures of half/full naked promiscuous tarts doing some wank inducing pose to distract you off your work. That’s exactly what happened today. When I switched my screen to my email inbox to look for that important file, something outstanding caught my eyes (which I believe, caught those Taiwanese’ eyes too). A forwarded informal email sent by one of my friends. Here’s the picture of it (i obscured the other mails for confidentiality’s sake…):

If you couldn’t see it properly, it’s an unread email (bolded) with the title “How to poison your mother in law”. I did not know whether to laugh or cry at that particular moment. Usually, I would archive my informal mails for later reading but apparently, I left out that one today… and somehow got into this situation.

I immediately switch the screen to another — hoping that those Taiwanese did not see that embarrassing email. It seems that they did not… but I swear that I caught one of the snickered when the inbox screen was loaded…

Lesson learnt : Never ever open your email in the presence of a guest

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off

let out

Today, I saw Moos (our evil HR director who resembled Jabba the Hutt) came out from a toilet. What about the toilet? That toilet has a ‘handicap’ sign on it. So, what does that mean? Moos is actually a handicapped person? If she is, then she must have a malfunctioning brain, that’s why she used that toilet which was reserved for ‘very special people’.

She came out with a blank look… with her right hand inside her blouse (under her bra strap). Was probably trying to remember whether she plucked her armpit hair that week or not… and was confirming it by giving her stinking patch of armpit a stroke… Fucking disgusting lame ass bitch fuck.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off