Archive for May, 2004

May 24, 2004

housewives, ah bengs and automobiles

I was driving mom’s car (with mom and Emily) on Saturday night, heading to my grandmother’s wake after our dinner, when I met this slow moving Proton Iswara in front of me.

It was moving at a very slow pace, about negative 5 miles per hour… and it was before long I started to cuss the driver like mad. From the silhouette of her cauliflower-like hairstyle, I was positive that the driver was a housewife… and she was ferrying her obnoxious kids (could be seen climbing and jumping inside the cabin like monkeys) to the laundry or something like that.

Because the road’s narrow, we had to follow her until this T-junction, until she stopped dead right there, waiting to cross the busy road. Then, for some weird reason, she started to move (slowly) into the big busy road. I don’t know what the fuck was wrong with that housewife but, I reckon she must have thought that the hordes of fast moving vehicles along the highway would stop for her to cross… but of course, that was a big mistake.

If you have completed your high school education, you probably would have guessed the outcome. A Satria from the highway could not stop in time, and locked its wheel screeching and sliding towards the delusional housewife. Then… BANG… right in front of our car. It was goddamn fabulous.

Car parts and debris were flying everywhere. And I could see some white smokes billowing out from the housewife’s piece of junk. I think she must have busted her radiator or ovary or something… That damn housewife even tried to flee but she could merely make the distance of about 5 – 6 feet… before her car came to a dead halt.

My mom jumped up and down like a school kid and went “OMG!! OMG!! That was so awesome!!”. And the scene got even more exciting when the Satria dude (a bit of an Ah Beng type) came out from his car and stomped towards housewife. It was all mayhem when the duo met – both were shouting at each other as if they’ve discovered the ability of shouting.

Simply unbelievable. From what I’ve seen that night, I managed to come up with a few conclusions:

1) housewives are fucking stupid and dangerous behind the wheel.
2) when they’re not behind the wheel, they can be very violent (note – the housewife in that accident, and my mom’s remarks)
3) when it comes to verbal abuse, Ah Bengs and housewives are the l33t.

So, if you see a housewife around, just get the fuck out of there. Avoid them at all cost.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
May 20, 2004

reunited

The death of my paternal grandfather a year ago had caused great pain and sorrow to my grandmother. For the first time in her life, she was left all alone by herself. Then… as if it was not bad enough, her favorite son (my father…) passed away 5 months later… and she went into deep depression ever since. So deep… that she could not even remember what she had eaten on the same day. Her memory was limited to only remembering the people she loves… (I am grateful that I was one of them)

She had insomnia everyday… isolated herself, refused to talk to anyone, almost to the brink of losing her mind. It was suffering that words can’t describe…

Yesterday, she decided to leave us for good. She ended her suffering after going into a deep sleep… to reunite with both my father and my grandfather in afterlife.

michaelooi  | personal  | Comments Off
May 18, 2004

wrong info

My mom came to me today with a serious look on her face.

Mom : “I came across an article in TheStar today saying that there would be a disaster coming on 27th of May…”

Me : “What disaster? ”

Mom : “I don’t know. But I think you better stay at home… just to be safe…”

Me : “Is that suppose to be some kind of prophecy thing?”

Mom : “No… I don’t think it’s a prophecy… more like a warning… ”

Me : [after thinking for a while] “Mom… I think you hit a boner. That was for ‘The Day After Tomorrow’…”

Mom : “The day after tomorrow? WTF?”

Me : “It’s a freaking movie. Some polar cap melts and flood the whole world… the show’s opening on 27th. They’re just trying to be creative with the ads.”

Mom : “Oh… I didn’t know that… shit… this is so embarrassing, I’ve been going around telling everyone to look out…”

Me : “Hahah, yeah. Your colleagues are nothing short of a dumbass as well… they should have figured that out…”

Looking forward to watch “The Day After Tomorrow” …

michaelooi  | dialogs  | Comments Off
May 17, 2004

it’s an unsafe road out there

Main causes of accidents in Malaysian traffic (in no particular order) :

Nosiness. Like gawking at accidents that has nothing to do with them. Would then plow into the vehicle in front due to lack of attention. Common offenders? Cars with blue LED lights on its windshield sprinklers… and a big loud exhaust pipe.

Perversion. Like ogling at scantily dressed female (or male) entities while driving. Would then plow into the vehicle in front due to lack of attention. Common offenders? Cars with blue LED lights on its windshield sprinklers… and a big loud exhaust pipe.

Stupidity. Like tailgating very close behind another vehicle. Would then plow into the vehicle in front due to lack of buffer distance to brake in case of emergency. Common offenders? Cars with blue LED lights on its windshield sprinklers… and a big loud exhaust pipe.

Speed. Like doing 80kph on a congested pasar malam alley. Would then plow into anything in front due to lack of reflex. Common offenders? Cars with blue LED lights on its windshield sprinklers… and a big loud exhaust pipe.

Carelessness. Like making a turn without looking at their rear view mirror (if there’s one) or switch on the turn indicator light (if there’s one). Would then be plowed by anything behind them. Common offenders ? Cars with blue LED lights on its windshield sprinklers… and a big loud exhaust pipe.

Conclusion? Eliminate all cars (along with it’s owners) with blue LED lights on its windshield sprinklers… and big loud exhaust pipes (owners code-named ‘pigdogs’). Our Malaysian roads will definitely be safer without this kind of people around.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off

haircut

I only have my haircut once every 4 – 5 months. Each time I have it, I will have it short, so that I don’t have to visit the hairdresser that often. It saves me time and money (having a haircut nowadays costs a bomb).

This time, my hair lasted 6 months. Broke the mother of all records. The last time I looked into the mirror, I realized that it had grown into a massive piece of hairball… which looked like a cross between a tin soldier’s dick-like hat (or whatever you call it) and a lion’s mane. That was when I decided that I seriously needed a fucking haircut.

But then, whenever I had my hair cut, I always get 2 kinds of comments from around.

1) “Oh… did you cut your hair?”

So, my hair look shorter now. Why would anyone bother to ask if I had a haircut? Of course I must have had a haircut. My hair don’t just grow shorter, right?

Fair enough, a friend asked exactly this after I had my haircut:

Friend : [checks out my hair] “Oh… did you cut your hair?”

Me : “Oh no… my hair mysteriously became short like this when I woke up this morning …”

Friend : “…”

2) “Damn you look like a freakin’ kid when your hairs are short”

Some said I have an immature face… and some said, I look innocent. I don’t know how right are they but definitely, those are very insensitive remarks. I’m already 27 years old… and calling a 27 year old a ‘freakin’ kid’ isn’t a flattering thing to do. They can call me cute if they want, but not a ‘freakin’ kid’ please.

I bet those who thinks that I look like a ‘freakin’ kid’ would change their mind when they see my dick menacing around eating innocent cats… and we’ll see who is the ‘freakin’ kid’ then… fucking morons.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off