Archive for May, 2004

May 31, 2004

yesterday

Yesterday, as I pulled Lorraine into the bridal house car park, cold sweat trickled down my forehead. I had just awakened from my deep afternoon sleep – and was dragged into making this trip to the slaughterhouse – still in the state of regaining my composure from the tired weekend. Still feeling a bit woozy, I slopped across the car park with Emily towards the door made of tempered glass. A feeling of unsureness hovered above me as I inched towards the foyer of the establishment.

Then a blond Chinese version of a skinny Rod Steward bloke opened the door for us.. chanting the butcher’s mantra under his tobacco reeked breath – “Welcome…welcome” – a tradition to bless the butcher of a safe slaughter job. The chant sent a chill down to my spine, as if Death itself was blowing his cold breath with a mouthful of Ice blended Mocha into me …

We were then settled in a table… a table that looked like a giant chopper board to prevent the money sucking cleaver from getting blunt. How slowly should I die under the blade that day? How would the succubus they hired that hailed the name BHA (Bridal House Attendants), suck our blood dry? It was a terror of unimaginable fuck lollipopsicle (I’m trying to make the sentence sound complex and hard to understand..)

It was then, out of my sheer terror, I took the courage to ask my first question :

Me : “… may I ask you … why are we here today?”

One of the succubus there then answered

BHA : “What? You don’t know why you’re here?”

Emily : [glowers at me...]

Me : “Err… not really. I was dragged here actually.”

BHA : “Aww… how could you forget… you’re here because we wanted to show you those Super VIP dresses… remember?”

Me : [stress veins start to pop up on my temple... as I repeatedly swallow my saliva and gunk alike]

Emily : “What? Memory loss aa?”

Then, both the species fired me from all direction with their gaze of blame and prosecution. I was PYT-ed (pei yan tiu). I was then dragged like a lifeless rag doll up to the first floor into the Super VIP room… where I was ravaged of my sanity and tormented of my soul.

I was then shown something beautiful, something that made me felt out of this world… Then, I was mind tricked into signing all pacts and agreements to rob me of all my possessions just to be able to own that piece of short-lived happiness, that was to be freeze into a small expensive gloss album on June 10th. It was as if I’ve been drugged out of my conscious mind. Oh goddamn it.

Now, the price tag of the piece of “frozen moment of youth” stands menacingly at 3 grands. I don’t know how deep am I gonna fall into this chasm full of blood sucking leech… but I know, it will be over soon. May the force be with me.

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May 29, 2004

“The Day After Tomorrow” (2004)

Someone dragged me to watch “The Day After Tomorrow” after my trip back from KL yesterday.

Maybe I was too freaking tired from the trip or something but, I actually found the movie SUCKED! If you haven’t already watched it, keep it that way! Avoid it at all cost! It does not worth even a pirated DVD… or even pirated camcorder recorded VCD.

The story’s about a scientist who had a theory about some global warming shit that won’t be happening for another 10,000 years or so. Apparently, he must be jinxed big time, because the shit happened right after he presented the theory to his colleagues and bosses.

And when everyone got panic and started to call him up… he decided to do the same thing as well – panic. Then the story got even more ridiculous, when he also conceived of a plan to save his son who happened to be in New York (who was after a girl he loves). The story then follows that scientist to walk from one end of a continent to the other in just a few days… to look for his son who was trapped in a fucking library (who wasn’t actually trapped at all). And after he had found his son, the fucking storm ended… and before you realized if it actually makes any sense, the movie ended…. just like that.

It couldn’t get any more preposterous than that, I tell you. It’s one of the worst movie I have ever seen. In this movie, no one on planet earth actually did anything (not that they could) about the hefty weather change… not even God I reckon. So, basically, those guys were just running around trying to look smart with a stupid plot.

Just… don’t watch it.

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May 27, 2004

how it felt like

I finally knew how wearing a thong (G-string as some call it…) feels like. An unintentional discovery.

You see, I was wearing this worn out underwear of mine yesterday – you know, the type which its latex band has lost its elasticity… and is loose at basically almost all the 3 sides. Particularly the part where it is suppose to hug my balls, perineum and my ass.

The thing was so loose, that it almost felt like wearing a boxer shorts, minus the length. I have to admit that wearing a worn out underwear feels more comfortable than wearing a new one. And that’s probably the reason why I’m still pretty much reluctant to discard that worn out underwear already.

Alright, back to the underwear – so I was wearing a fitting khaki to work yesterday and somehow, I didn’t realize that a fitting trouser does not go very well with a worn out underwear. And I found out soon enough as the day progressed.

By noon, when I was about to go out for my lunch, I somehow felt something wasn’t right with my butt. It felt… awkward. As if it was bare naked and I was feeling very uncomfortable. In a desperate bid to find out what was going on, I copped a feel of my own butt in hope to discover something… and then lo and behold! I could not find my underwear! My butt cheeks were basically smooth and uncovered, obscured with just only my khaki pants.

Unable to fathom what went wrong, I scurried to the toilet to ‘search’ for my underwear. A quick check by unzipping my pants to see if the sleeping giant would directly fall out like an *oliphaunt trunk. Much to my relief, it did not. It was safely tucked inside… which means, my underwear was still there. Somehow, the hind section of the underwear had wedged into my butt crack like a thong… and exposed the full moon in the middle of the day.

So, what actually happened? Explanation: the elastic strip was suppose to be strong enough to stretch the underwear’s coverage diagonally across my butt cheek…and forms the ‘V’ shape on it. When the thing lost its elasticity, that means, it’ll have no retention force at all around my butt… just like a piece of loin cloth. So, when I moved around a lot, the free play section will actually slip across the round surface of my ass (plus friction from the fitting khaki surface)… forcing it to wedge into the crevice — forming a virtual G-string/thong effect. That was how it happened.

Did I like it? Not a bit. It felt as if I was wearing a loin cloth with a holim in front — just like those savages deep inside the Amazonian jungle. Plus, I didn’t feel comfortable with something stuck inside my ass… you know… touching the orifice and all that. It will probably distort the sound of my fart and causes some paranoid reaction from the public that there’s something wrong with my ass — which is not true.

Don’t understand why the girls like to wear thongs so fucking much. They can actually choose to wear some see through lingerie if they wanted to look sexy… you know. After all, those garbs are gonna be off the body when the humping time comes. And I also reckon that it’ll be quite difficult to wash off the stains on ‘the string’ that comes in contact with the asshole for the whole hot and sweaty day …

*oliphaunt = the mutated megasize elephant featured in The Lord Of the Rings : ROTK. Note that it is much bigger… and has a longer trunk. Eheheh..

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May 26, 2004

last night

Emily & I did something remarkably important and meaningful last night. No… we did not have sex on my boss’ office desk and squirt slops of recycled semen on it.

We went to get our wedding photos taken. Well, not exactly a photo taking session yet but, yesterday was the day for us to choose what to wear for the wedding photo, which will probably occur next month.

History: Emily and I had registered as each other’s sex slave 2 years ago… And we did not intend to make our marriage a grand one… like organizing a reception and getting ourselves exhausted. We plan to have it our way and to hell with all the traditions. Just the oath and registration… and a budgeted wedding photo package – the latter which have been delayed until yesterday.

This was what happened yesterday,

1830 hours – appointment time due at 1900 hours. I am still on the phone with someone at work. Emily is getting nervous.

1845 hours – I finally head my way to bridal house after the phone call.

1900 hours – Emily’s mood turns bad when she found out that we will be late. She starts to curse at anything in our car’s way… cars, drivers, pedestrians, stray cats, dogs, etc.

1935 hours – Finally arrives at bridal house. Bridal house attendants (BHA) resembled a bunch of cash deprived werewolves waiting to mug someone… and innocent me walks into their lar… and had my destiny changed forever…

1945 – 2100 hours – The BHAs starts to dress Emily up with various selections of bridal gowns, dresses and other flowery paraphernalia’s that makes her look like an entirely different person. As for myself, I’m suppose to sit by the side and give shit ass opinions about all the dresses. – eg: “wahaggghhh !! You looked like a Fabuloso container on that dress! It’s going to spoil the film and blind the photographer!!”

2100 – 2130 hours – The BHAs decides to mug me more by bringing Emily to a VIP section that features designer ranged dresses/gowns (which translates to EXTRA FEE, if you want them…). Emily gleefully put on one that she likes and ends up choosing it. I instantly turn into a zombie – livid, blank, emotionless, and moan instead of talk.

2135 hours – The mugging ceremony adjourns… but only for a short while, as the BHAs arrange for another session again this coming Sunday and Emily signs up for it. Reason? MORE VIP dresses to come… *tears seep out from my eye pockets and shimmer like Japanese anime school girls

That night, I lost 2 over grands… and more to come. If it wasn’t the girls, the boys would probably have probably opted for a simple Polaroid photo on a club scene background for a wedding photo instead of getting blood sucked by those BHAs. *poignantly shakes head in disbelief*

But then, as I was thinking deeply, for 2 grands (and more to come)… it could be well worth the suffering and tears… to see one’s own life partner looking so effervescently beautiful and happy in her wedding dress… and have her most youthful smile frozen inside a glossy album… preserving the proof of our love for many years to come. It’s even harder to believe that 2 grands (and more to come) can actually buy all that.

(leave me alone, I am actually pacifying myself with ridiculous excuses)

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May 25, 2004

sohai bird

I was talking on the phone while doing about 50 kph on a street. Had just picked up Emily from work and was heading home. On the phone, was a mongoloid vendor who couldn’t get enough of me at work, and I was damn busy lambasting him for being such a consummate asshole.

Then out of a sudden, 2 birds (mynah species) appeared out of nowhere and flew across in front of my car. They looked like they were playing “achilok” or something… and was chasing each other happily. The first one got through pretty close but the second one was a bit unfortunate. Its head kind of collided with my car’s hood, and I could hear a faint “tuk!” sound. I was expecting it to crash from the concussion, but surprisingly, it didn’t.. and managed to fly away…

Both myself and Emily were dumbfounded (bear in mind I was still talking on the phone) and couldn’t believe the blunder that we’ve just saw. Then suddenly, Emily broke into a hysterical laugh… while myself suppressing hard not to laugh (because I was still on the phone with that idiot vendor).

I don’t fucking know what’s wrong with that bird but, I can make a few wild speculations :

1) sohai bird was having way too much fun with “achilok” to notice my oncoming car.
2) sohai bird was a beginner in flying
3) sohai bird was trying to kill itself

Well, whatever the reason is, there’s one thing that I’m sure of. Don’t use your mobile phone when you’re driving. It’s fucking dangerous. Might damage your car when you hit some innocent animals… which is a super bad thing to happen. I was lucky today that I’ve only hit a bird playing “achilok” crossing the road. It would have been catastrophic if those 2 happens to big dogs or perhaps cows…

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