Archive for April, 2004

April 13, 2004

unbelievable

Emily has been tutoring a 5 year old girl for 1.5 months. The girl is her colleague’s niece. Well… what about her? Nothing much. A cute and cheeky 5 year old who believes in fairy tales. Let’s call her Peekaboo for convenience’s sake.

This morning, Emily told me that Peekaboo flunked her ‘general papers’. I was like “Whatttt ?? A 5 year old flunked her ‘general papers’???” Emily nodded. I was thinking – what the fuck!? I don’t remember there was even such a thing as ‘general papers’, not even in my secondary years.

I refused to believe that… so, I asked to have a look at her test papers. Fair enough – it was indeed ‘general papers’. For a kids in their nursery years. In English. When I was 5, I didn’t even know how to hold a pen properly… and kids nowadays are doing their ‘general papers’ in their nursery. *shakes head in disbelief*

Alright, I went a step further to check what kind of questions those 5 year olds have to answer in their ‘general papers’. The first question was

Q: How many moons does planet Saturn have ? (options : 8, 12, 24).

Geez… can you believe that? Someone actually expected a 5 year old to know how many satellites are there orbiting a cold piece of rock a few million miles off from our planet. Even I myself don’t fucking know how many moons does planet Saturn have (like it’s suppose to be very important thing to know). But then, Peekaboo actually got the correct answer for this one. (shame on me)

There were approximately 20 over questions with a mix of both objective and subjective — all testing the little kid’s general knowledge. Peekaboo flunked because she answered a few of them wrong — a couple of funny ones that I can remember :

Q: What do you do after rescuing a drowning person?
Peekaboo answered : Apply medicated oil. (I laughed till I almost blacked out ..)

Q: Good manners are very important for good personal grooming. Name 3 other very important things.
Peekaboo answered : Table manners, Chair manners, [blank]. (close to near death experience from laughing)

Alright, I don’t know whether this is just me, but I think the education standard nowadays are wayyyy much higher than my time. I was dumbfucked by their education level.

I felt so intellectually challenged now. Leave me alone.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
April 12, 2004

wondering….

things that I have always been wondering why.

– a pretty girl’s best friend is always fat and ugly. Vice versa.
– girls do not like their boyfriend playing computer games or surfing the net.
– it’s always more exciting to crave for something than actually owning it.
– girls act stupid in front of their boys, but act smart in front of their friends.
– I’m always broke
– she’s always right
– my sister is so tragically abominable.
– female bank officers near retirement age are fond of hairsprays.
– dogs lap their own crotch and don’t feel icky about it
– some people like to dye their hair blond or other unnatural colors
– Chinaman and Japanese are so hard to understand when they speak English.
– Asian love cars with big trunks
– rapists do not get mandatory death sentence but drug traffickers do.
– smoking people bother to go for medical check-ups
– motorcyclists love to ride in the middle of the road
– kids are so annoying
– authorities grant driving licenses to so many assholes
– my neighbor is such a bitch
– my neighbor’s husband is such an asshole
– people read my blog knowing that it is offensive…

michaelooi  | thoughts  | Comments Off
April 11, 2004

saving a day

It was almost 8pm and I was crudely awakened from my much needed sleep. I rested early that day from the heavy drinking the day before. Still in my groggy state, I saw a blurred image of Emily before me.

“Dear, your aunt’s house is having a blackout and she wanted you to help her out…”

Coincidentally, I also recalled my mom told me the same morning that my aunt suspected her apartment is haunted. A female ghost has been infesting her place, she said. I wasn’t very sober at that moment, but I was alert enough to realize the bummer I was about to be in – my aunt’s haunted house is having a blackout, and she wants me to go fix it. Right… right…

It took Emily a few more minutes to persuade me, and I finally relented. Alright, I’m going over – I said. I won’t get my sleep if she keeps talking to me anyway, might as well do it, right? So I went over (her apartment is just 2 doors away from mine). It was pitch black when I reached there (no shit, that’s why it’s called a ‘blackout’). I immediately took charge and ordered everyone (my mom, Emily, my aunt and a neighbor) to help switching off appliances – and myself repeatedly yanking the tripped circuit breaker switch. A born leader that I am… everything seems to be leading to the right direction with my presence.

Anyway, the switch kept tripping for no apparent reason. I couldn’t seem to find the cause. Very spooky. Could it be some kind of evil spirit at work there? A fucking poltergeist – I thought. I wasn’t freaking out but, I was kind of annoyed already because I needed to get back to my sleep. Not wanting to waste anymore time, I decided to do the troubleshooting myself – maybe those housewives weren’t doing their job good enough. So I went scouring around the apartment in the dark by myself, armed with only a miniature torchlight.

I then headed towards the master bedroom (my cousin’s room). Her room was the center of the evil influence inside the apartment (that was what my aunt said). The portal to another dimension or something like that. So, I elevated the sense of caution when I entered my cousin’s room, lest there would be some fucking vampire pouncing down from the ceiling above. Emily and my aunt were following from behind. My mom was too freaked to even enter the house.

The moment I got inside the room, I could immediately smell the evil there. Stench of death. Bantal busuk, tilam kotor, moldy toilet, ughh… demonic indeed. I was thinking of burning the place down but, I didn’t have a lighter handy at that moment so, I scrapped the idea. Anyway, after a few careful scans in the dark, I managed to spot 2 switches that were still left in the ‘on’ position. That must be it – I thought. I flipped the first one off… which was suppose to be the toilet light. The second one was unreachable – it was the air conditioner power point located almost near to the ceiling. So, I asked my aunt to bring me a chair, stool or anything… so that I could reach the damn thing and switch it off.

She then went out from the room (supposedly to get a chair), but ended up chatting with my mom at the corridor. That kind of reinforced my belief that housewives can’t be fully relied on. *shakes head in disappointment*. I then asked Emily to look for a chair instead, and off she went. It didn’t take long for me to realize then, that I was the only one left in the room at that moment. This is not good – I thought. The weakest and most vulnerable moment for a person .. is when he’s alone deprived of sleep, without help. I was in some situation there – I could have bailed the fuck out of there, you know, but I didn’t.

It took Emily like, forever, before I decided to go get a chair myself. My wife, apparently, suddenly decided to be creative and went to look for a ladder – which was the reason why she took so long to get me a stool/chair. I gave her a short nag about why it is important to stay on a given objective and went on to grab a nearby stool – which I used to off the air con power point, and then scurried to flip on the main breaker switch. *SNAP* And there was light again.

My aunt then asked me what happened. I told her that the damn ghost shorted the switch… and she should get an electrician to fix it. I took my leave after that, leaving my aunt feeling awed and such…

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
April 9, 2004

animal lover II

When it comes to food, I can say that I’m both adventurous and finicky. Adventurous because I dare to try anything that I think is interesting, and finicky because I can be very particular about the things that I put into my mouth.

Today, I achieved another milestone in my life venturing for exotic food. Scorpions and grasshoppers. Yep, the cool looking crustacean with hard carapace, and the green colored insect. May sound icky to most people, but in some Asian countries, both scorpions and grasshoppers are considered delicacies.

Anyway, back to the topic. Had my lunch at a local Thai restaurant today that serves both of these odd food. I first tried the grasshopper. Deep fried style… kinda dark brown in color. Initially, felt really reluctant to put that damn thing into my mouth, because I really do not like the way its abdomen looked. But when my buddies all ate one each, I felt compelled to try at least one as well – lest those guys would fucking laugh at my ass for being such a sissy.

So, I was like, holding the insect and looking at it, having shitloads of second thoughts. Then, when the pressure mounted to the boiling point, I forced myself to eat the grasshopper’s leg first. Tasted like nothing – albeit a bit crunchy. Then I ate the other leg… until it finally became a limbless grasshopper. And then I summoned every ounce of my courage and popped the whole thing into my mouth… chewing and trying to visualize myself eating a prawn. Surprisingly, the damn grasshopper tasted quite good. Just like a mantis prawn. Then I took another. And another. And eventually, was enjoying a few mouthfuls of them!

Alright, this kinda give me some guts to try out the next challenge. Deepfried SCORPION (I don’t know why the Thais like to deep fry their food)! The size of the scorpion was approximately the size of a nokia 8250 mobile phone, quite big. If the bugger wasn’t dead, the size of this thing would have sent me bolting out of the restaurant running for my life. Seriously.

Because it was such a dangerous creature, I decided to eat it’s stinger first – to disarm the bastard. In case it suddenly got resurrected and becomes a zombie scorpion… at least it won’t be able to use its stinger. The stinger tasted nothing special other than being crunchy. I then bit the scorpion into half (because it was too big, choking hazard)… and attempt to capture its taste by chewing. It tasted like some rubber glove… crossed with the taste of a type of shampoo that I accidentally ingested when I was a kid. Didn’t like the taste at all. But the pair of pinchers tasted quite ok though.

So, what do I think of them? Well, the grasshopper was a surprise, but kinda disappointed with the scorpion. The grasshopper looked kinda bad outside, but tasted good inside. The scorpion was the complete opposite. I was expecting it to taste like a lobster or something, but it tasted really awful. Maybe that scorpion I ate was diseased or something. Too bad I only had one to eat, no chance to confirm that.

Here’s the update list of exotic creatures that I’ve eaten before :

dog, flying fox, squirrel, python, wild cat, turtle, lamb, goat, iguana, ostrich, pigeon, wild boar, pangolin, canary, frog, clear water eel, arowana, fox, crawfish, rabbit, black panther, scorpion, grasshopper

michaelooi  | food  | Comments Off
April 8, 2004

hard labor

Was chatting with my colleagues in the company cafeteria this morning when the girls suddenly touched on a topic about childbirth. One of my colleagues, AnnElle, was rhetorically describing her experience of going into labor. She described the pain like it was something so out of this world, that it would tilt the planet off its axis… and she was also trying very hard to make me and another male colleague to understand the magnitude of the pain.

But then, her effort was kind of futile, for it is impossible for us guys to really understand what she had to go through. That’s because males and females are of different type of biological entity. It would be impossible for us to imagine having a kid coming out of our vagina, that’s because we don’t have a vagina. (it’s like asking you to imagine having the 8th tentacle like an octopus)

In order not to offend AnnElle, I tried my very best to pretend that I understand by nodding every now and then… and showed some faked expressions to her that I am a person who appreciates what the ladies have to go through. But I went a bit too far,

AnnElle : “You know… the moment that baby was out… I tell you… it was the most relieving moment I ever had in my life”

Me : “Yeah, I can imagine that. I actually went through that before…”

It was a reflex speech that totally bypassed my brain. It was obviously a blunder. I had no choice but to go along with what I can concoct at that split second to save myself from embarrassment.

AnnElle : “Errrmm, you said you went through that before?”

Me : “Yeah yeah.. errr, I likened it like a very bad case of stomach ache. I was imagining the baby as a big piece of crap lodged in between your intestines… The shit would be so big that it would tear your bunghole a few inches larger… making you scream in pain. You will then attempt to squeeze the beast out inch by inch… accompanied by some yellowish liquid discharge with occasional toxic fart gases. And when you’re about to pass out from the immense laborious pain and fatigue, it finally comes out. And what a relief it would be… right?”

AnnElle was totally dumbfucked… and later reacted by giving me hard punch on my shoulder. Yeah, like that would make us understand the perils of going into labor… hah

michaelooi  | satirical shit  | Comments Off