Archive for April, 2004

April 19, 2004

“Walking Tall” (2004)

Intended to watch “Super Sapiens” (aka Hellboy) on Saturday, but all shows were fully booked. So, I settled for The Rock movie — “Walking Tall”. Having known that it’s The Rock movie… it was understandable that the flick would contain a reasonable amount of ass kicking.

Well, it didn’t disappoint after all. The flick DID contain a lot of ass kicking. The Rock’s acting has improved somehow. I like his new hairstyle… and the way he ogled at girls. Gone were the days when he would tilt one side of his eyebrow to give that pervert look. Maybe he has finally discovered maturity after all.

Anyway, there were a few screw ups in this movie. The first of all, I would say, was that it lacked of gore in it. Having to see so much brute in an ex military dude biffing up triple x sized casino bouncers… what is violence without gore? I mean, they could have shown The Rock breaking arms and crushing balls (spurting testicals out on the pavement etc)… instead of those lame face punching stances.

The second noticeable screw up would be the female companion. Aww… gawd. The Rock hooked with a stripper. I mean, it would still be better if it were to be a good looking stripper. But the girl (don’t know her name) who was cast as The Rock’s bitch looked like a malnourished skanky drug addict that offers nothing more than bones full of pores (The Rock’s dog might like her). As if there wasn’t anyone else who was willing to take up that supporting role alongside The Rock. (that’s ridiculous, isn’t it?)

And then the length of the movie. Geez… it was barely reaching the 80 minutes mark. Have not even finished my popcorn… and the movie already ended. Felt like I was watching a heavily trimmed weekday matinee. You see… I was out on Saturday night for one fucking reason – that was to get away from home as late as possible. And this movie just spoiled that purpose. They could have added some family kidnap scenes in the movie… you know… or rape-his-girl part to get The Rock real pissed and more psyched up to kick more asses… just to add some substance to the plot, but noooo… it had to end that early. Fuck.

Anyway, having said all that, my verdict for this movie is – not quite the standard. Just get a pDVD.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off
April 16, 2004

great pretender

I hooted at my colleague Blackie today for making a very dumbass remark. He said that before he met both myself and BigSnake, he used to be someone who doesn’t swear as much as he is now. As clean as an unused sheet of paper. He alleged that it was us that made him the squalid critter he is today.

Well, here’s our response towards his statement :

michaelooi = go fuck yourself & die.
BigSnake = fuck you. you were already a very vulgar person before you met us.

If there is still anyone out there who believes that there are still individuals who don’t swear or think of anything profane in their life before, WAKE UP! There is no such person. Everyone swears, mentally if not verbally.

A friend of mine had proven this in an experiment before. What he did was to make a few prank calls to a pretty girl who has an impeccable reputation at school. He would call this girl up and the moment she answered the phone, he would hang up. He did this for a successively a few times a day… for a couple of weeks. Then, on the final call he made… instead of hanging up after she answered… he uttered something not very nice to her, something like – “you filthy bitch”. Her response? “Leh mah puki” — that’s Hokkien for “your mom’s cunt”. The outcome of the ‘experiment’ shocked my friend shitless, but he managed to prove a point – that everyone swears, even angels.


So, down it went into the drain – the girl’s reputation, for my friend spreaded the news fast like an airborne VD the result of his experiment.

Having said that, one must understand now that profanity is a way of life. A part of evolution of humanity – to dissipate one’s anger and fury into harmless word(s). That’s always better than to vent your anger by smashing things up around your office, or physically abuse your spouse… which the consequences can be dire.

So, don’t be ashamed to yell “FUCK” when you’re stressed… and feel incredibly better. You’re just being human and that’s nothing wrong. If you don’t get what I’m saying, fuck you then.

michaelooi  | characters  | Comments Off

so how?

Somebody asked me what is the best way to see the real face of his soon-to-be married bride of whom he has never seen her face without heavy make-up?

My colleague Blackie said to pay the bride-to-be in the middle of the night – when she is sleeping halfway. But I doubted that will work. Some girls are known to sleep with their make-up on. So how?

I actually came up with a better idea – force the target to the nearest car wash, and blast her face with those pressure water pumps. This will clear all her cosmetics out in matter of seconds… and then, take a good look at her real face. Then only decide, if you want to spend the rest of your life with this creature.

And if the answer is yes, god bless you.

Practical, ain it?

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
April 14, 2004

some advice

Some advice to movie actors/actresses

– in most hindustan movies, I noticed that the villain always uses a chainsaw as a weapon. Alright, a chainsaw might be one heck of a badass weapon — but think about it. The damn thing probably weighted a tonne. To lift it alone would burn enough calories to cook a whole sack of potatoes. Choose your weapons wisely. Use a gun… or a machete… or a butterfly flip blade. They are much lighter, faster and easier to conceal (someone translate this to the Indians so that they can understand)

– for the girls, when you hear something spooky or funny shit coming out from your dark backyard or storeroom, get the fuck out of the house and drive to the nearest police station. That’s the safest bet to keep yourself alive. Never EVER go out to investigate those noises… because the noise might be a decoy for you to expose yourself to a bunch of pervert zombies waiting to shove their half decomposed dick into your mouth. Use some common sense.

– If you got shot or something and was about to die… and you have some unsettled wish to utter before you die…. my advice to you is — keep on talking. It seems like everytime the person finishes his/her talking, he/she will croak immediately. Keep talking… whatever topic you can think of… at least until the paramedics arrive. Who knows… you might get to live again.

– some big mutated lizard stomping all over the city and destroying properties? Don’t use apaches or fighter jets to battle against the rampaging lizard. Just stuff plenty of cyanide into a few tonnes of fishes. Let the bugger eat those fishes. Wait. Clean up the carcass.

– when you have millions of killer cockroaches eating everything in it’s path and you have nowhere to hide… try to seek refuge in the nearest insecticide factory. Or at least hide at the nearest convenient store that stocks tonnes of those aerosol insecticide sprays. You’ll get to buy off a lot of time until some hero ends the movie — and you might still get to retain your life to star in another movie.

– if you’ve got half of the world’s population that would do anything to possess a ring that you have in your pocket, and you can’t destroy it… the best way to rid of it is to go to the nearest sea/ocean… and cast it into the depth of the ocean. If it won’t deter them from getting the ring, at least it would be fun to see so many people jumping into the sea/ocean for a massive “seek the ring marathon”.

– if you see a few girls with martial arts skills trying to infiltrate your mob boss’ base, just let them do it. Don’t attempt to stop them at all. They’re after your boss… not you. Not worth to risk your life – since your boss is gonna die or get caught anyway. Just let the girls in to finish their business. Who knows, they might award you a flash of their tits as a gratitude for your kindness… or better still, get a more important role to star in the next movie.

– when you discovered that your enemies have the ability to dodge bullets in slow motion… that means a gun won’t get the job done. You’ll need something else more powerful. Throw a grenade on where he’s standing and get the hell out of there (to a safe distance). Even if he can dodge the grenade shrapnel that flew in random directions, the explosion force would actually send him flying off from the ground. When he landed hard from the explosion, then only shoot him with your gun. Repeat process until bullet hits the target. Spit on carcass to look cool.

– when you’re about to engage in a hump scene with the lead actress… always switch on the lights. Or do it somewhere with reasonable amount of lighting. It’s very important to let the audience judge how you fared humping the lead actress. I mean, if you guys are doing it in the dark… who the fuck’s gonna know if you’re really good in that part of acting? If you wanted privacy, you would have done it in private, right? Just switch on the lights. Let us see some.

can’t think of more. Will add later.

michaelooi  | enlightenments  | Comments Off
April 13, 2004

frustration

The only local company that’s worse than Proton that I could think of is… TMNET. When I was in my dialup years, I end up trashing my own monitor out of frustration over its constant downtime problems…

And now that I have an ADSL… I kept getting disconnected from the net every so often. Surfing halfway, and all incoming data will freeze without activity — and I’ll have to reset my router-modem. What the fuck are those mongoloid retards in TMNET doing to curb problems like this over the years?? Absolutely nothing.

Fucking assholes ought to be hung and shot.

DAMN TMNET !

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off