*long post, don’t bitch
I was watching some documentary about extreme sports on Discovery last night. Out of a sudden, I heard something buzzed into my living room … and landed 10 feet away… with a loud clacking sound as if some flying succubus landed with her knee-high boots on my hard cold terrazzo floor.
I took a squint to look at that thing … no it wasn’t a succubus. It’s an insect about the size of my ex-neighbour’s dog’s dick (without erection). Dark in colour. At first, I thought it was a rhinoceros beetle (because of it’s sheer gigantic size). But no … it’s a cockroach ! So fucking big that it would actually choke a cow if it were to be accidentally ingested by that poor domestic farm animal with a monotone vocal chord.
Alright, the big guy hopped happily around my living room floor … just like a rampageous monster that hopped out of nowhere into Tokyo city — foraying the peace of mankind. Irked by it’s audacity to spoil my fun watching tv, I transformed myself into a tight fitting silver rubber suit superhero with a pair of glowing signal lights as my eyes …. and declared war against the mutant insect which hails the name La Cucuracha.
I grabbed whatever my hand could reach from my couch …which happened to be a big book of organizer, and hurled towards the infiltrator. Crashing a few office buildings on it’s way, the heavy book landed with a big thud on that evil insect. Almost a celebration for me until I saw the monster crept our from the side of the book — which was no match against the strong exoskeleton of that armored stinking giant.
It threatened me by flipping out it’s evil looking wings, and then hid itself under the dining chair’s leg. The mongoloid insect thought he would render himself invisible by hiding around the chair’s leg — but little does he know that the superhero he was facing isn’t just any bloke that was as green as an asparagus … but a hero that’s so experienced in killing roaches that he was actually given the name Cockroach Killer (alright, I made that name up. U can call me Michaelooi).
I then scurried into the kitchen to arm myself with a can of XL sized insecticide - which have been my favourite enchanted weapon against roaches - and a fly smacker. I then discharged a torrent of supercharged photon biochemical whateverfuck spray from that can of insecticide towards the direction of that monster roach. Realizing that he was hitting a boner pretty hard, he then skedaddled into the toilet … hoping that could use my body shampoo to clean off the mess he’s in.
But he made a stupid mistake (like that transvestite boy singer Gareth Gates). He was too short. He could not reach the body shampoo which was stooled way beyond his height. He even tried to climb the ceramic wall with it’s sticky legs … but to no success. It wasn’t long before the toxin from the biochemical enchanted weapon kicks in .. and made him partially paralyzed. He struggled and was shitting dark green matters (which i reckon was his poo…that sissy…) all over my toilet floor … before laying there almost motionless submitting to the might of Cockroach Killer.
Right, then came my final death blow move. I took the fly smacker and smacked the smithereens out of that cockroach. The high velocity smack actually created an impact so strong, that tremors can be felt as far as the Easter Islands … freaking out some Komodo lizards dragons in the process. The smack ended the life of the monster insect immediately without prior notice … with it’s yellow entrails and gut splattered on my toilet floor.
Although I felt victorious for defeating the evil force … but it was short-lived. The aftermath of the battle wasn’t really a nice experience. I had to disinfect the whole fucking floor and clean up the dead bug’s shit. Then, had to airlift the big dead bug’s carcass with 4 apache helicopters (coz it’s too heavy and all that..) into the nearest toilet bowl and flush. Damn exhausting work.
I guess I’ll have to consider installing those Tesla Coils (like those in Command & Conquers) around the perimeter of my apartment… so that if there’s any more monster bugs or trespassers attempting to infiltrate my place, they will get electrocuted out of my ‘worry zone’.
Damn roaches … (if any of you roaches out there reading this…. eat shit and die).
