Archive for April, 2004

April 22, 2004

staff meeting #2

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Kermit : “Boss, there was this girl from technical support department sent me an application mail with her resume for one of our vacant post. So, you want review her for the job?”

Boss : “Yes please. Forward her resume to me…”

Me : “Whoaa… hold on dude. Don’t do that yet.”

Kermit : “Why?”

Me : “Is the girl pretty? If not, just reject her application.”

Kermit : “…”

Me : “If the girl’s over 30, heavier than 55Kg or shorter than 5ft – you can dismiss her right away…”

Everyone else in the meeting : *clapping vigorously + standing ovation*

Boss & Kermit : *puke blood and blacks out*

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off

staff meeting #1

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Boss : “I think I’m gonna suggest to the big boss that we need to have some kind of mobile phone allowance for our job. Any comment, guys ?”

Me : “I think we need much more than that.”

Boss : “Like what? Can you please elaborate?”

Me : “I think we need higher increment, car allowances, bigger office desk, a new mobile phone, subsidized home loan, a new wife/girlfriend… bla bla bla”

Everyone else in the meeting : *clapping vigorously + standing ovation*

Boss : *puke blood and blacks out*

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April 21, 2004

big trouble in little living room

*long post, don’t bitch

I was watching some documentary on tv last night when I noticed something buzzed into the living room and landed 10 feet away… with a loud clacking sound as if some flying succubus landed with her knee-high boots on the hard terrazzo floor.

I took a careful look at that thing and no it wasn’t a succubus. It was an insect about the size of my ex-neighbor’s dog’s dick (without erection). Dark in color. At first, I thought it was a rhinoceros beetle (because of it’s sheer gigantic size). But no… it was not (how I wish it was…). It was a cockroach! So fucking big that it would choke a cow if it were to be accidentally ingested by that poor domestic farm animal.

The big guy hopped happily around my living room floor… like a rampaging monster that hopped out of nowhere into Tokyo city — foraying the peace of mankind. Irked by its presence, I transformed myself its much dreaded counterpart – a tight fitting latex silver suited superhero with a pair of glowing signal light eyes… and declared war against the mutant insect which hails the name La Cucuracha.

I grabbed whatever my hand could reach from around the area… which happened to be a big book of sort, and hurled it towards the infiltrator. Crashing a few office buildings long the way, the heavy book landed with a big thud on that evil monster. The superhero celebrated triumphantly, but it was a short lived moment for he saw the resilient monster crept out of the side of the book — which seems to be of no match against the strong exoskeleton of that armored stinking giant.

It then flashed me by spreading its evil looking wings, as if to warn me against any more untoward advances against it and then made a beeline towards the furniture. The mongoloid insect thought he would render himself invisible by hiding around a dining chair, but little did it know that the superhero he was up against wasn’t just any green headed guy next door… but a hero that had gotten so used to gutting roaches that he was actually given the name Cockroach Killer… oh yeah bebeh.

The Cockroach Killer then scurried into the kitchen to arm himself with a can of XL sized insecticide – which is his favorite enchanted weapon against roaches, often accompanied with a fly swatter. Alright, the hero then discharged a torrent of supercharged photon biochemical spray from that can of insecticide towards the direction of that monster roach. Realizing that he was hitting a boner, the monster then skedaddled into the toilet… probably hoping that the water could save the mess it was in.

But that roach was stupid. It did not realize that it was too short to reach for the shower. It even tried to climb up the ceramic wall with its seemingly sticky legs… but to no success. It wasn’t long before the toxin from the biochemical enchanted weapon kicks in… paralyzing it from the neck down. It then struggled and much to the shame of its ancestors that dated way back to the prehistoric times – it shitted dark green matters in terror, all over my bathroom floor… before succumbing to the might of the Cockroach Killer.

You thought this was the end, but no. The superhero then delivered the final death blow by using the fly swatter, and smacked the smithereens out of that roach. The high velocity smack actually created an impact so strong, that tremors can be felt as far as the Easter Islands… freaking out some Komodo dragons in the process. And that blow, was the maneuver that delivered the monster back to its maker… its yellow entrails serving as a grim reminder to other opportunists to think twice before messing with Cockroach Killer.

Although I felt victorious for upholding the good of mankind… I had to admit that it wasn’t really a glorious affair. The aftermath of the battle wasn’t really an experience that one would want to remember. I had to disinfect the whole fucking floor and clean up the dead bug’s shit. Then, had to airlift the big dead bug’s carcass with 4 apache helicopters into the nearest toilet bowl and flush. Damn exhausting work if you ask me.

I guess I’ll have to consider installing those Tesla Coils (like those in Command & Conquer) around the perimeter of my apartment… so that if there were to be any more monster bugs or trespassers attempting to infiltrate my place, they will get electrocuted out of my ‘worry zone’.

Damn roaches…

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off

“telus”

Went to JPJ to register my second wife today… where my first wife and I saw this big poster/sign/banner thingy on the wall of the office area — CEKAP, MESRA dan TELUS. Curiosity struck my first wife and she asked :

Emily : “Dear … what’s a telus?”

Me : “Telus… hmmm… it’s beyond my vocab level. Maybe somekind of egg.”

Emily and I : “ahahahhahhahaha #$%^&*@! snort !”

Me : “Or maybe they misspelled telur as telus… ?”

Emily : “Hmmm… cekap, mesra dan telur …. ”

Emily and I : “ahahahhahhahaha #$%^&*@! snort !”

Our retarded hyena laughs and cackles turned a few dozens of heads in the waiting area, which I reckoned must be thinking we’re real hyenas’ in a human suit.

But then, whatever TELUS means, the poster/sign/banner did not actually serve it’s purpose to remind its employees to be courteous and efficient. The officer I dealt with wasn’t even a wee bit of CEKAP, MESRA dan TELUR… His face was sourish like an ikan kembung… and attitude reeked like that of a leper rat.

The current level of the service? IKAN KEMBUNG, TIKUS KUDIS dan TELUR (I’m starting to like the word telur a lot… it describes those JPJ imbeciles very well).

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April 20, 2004

exotic names

I always have a hard time remembering names. Especially those Chinese names from China/Taiwan that sounded almost the same. I bet many who do not speak Mandarin or read Chinese have the same problem too. And it seemed that these people realize the problem we have, thus, begins the era of them adopting Christian names. Well, not exactly ‘Christian’ names but, more like, anything English.

And boy, some of their names are indeed exotic. When I hopped myself into the corporate world to work my ass off, I have came across thousands of stupor inducing ‘Christian’ names — those that would make me remember them for the rest of my life.

Here’s some of them that I’ve picked from my company corporate directory (real surname/last name obscured with “Tan” to protect the privacy of the individuals) :

Ailx, Tan — “ailx” sounded like a photostat machine’s name.

Better, Tan — the brother is “worse”.

Black, Tan — sounded so fucking racist man ..

Blinker, Tan — the guy with this name’s not gonna get any job for badminton tournament linesman.

Camel, Tan — camels eat their own shit. Nice name indeed.

Dragon, Tan — bruce lee wannabe.

Echo, Tan — I have no idea why he wanted to be called as “echo”. maybe he should consider “noise”.

Fanta, Tan — this lad must be some fanatic of the popular fruit flavored soft drink…

Fauna, Tan — would be the prime suspect for a local series of cold blooded homicide.

Lemon, Tan — why would anyone in their right mind would call themselves a “lemon”?

Nakey, Tan — this guy will definitely be banned from entering Kelantan or Terengganu.

Orange, Tan — a fruit. what next? “durian”? “cempedak”?

Pillar, Tan — his friends are a bunch of lizards.

Pokky, Tan — leh mah “pokky”

Rock, Tan — he watched too much wrestling shows.

Sisily, Tan — a cross between “sissy” and “silly”. not a good thing.

Space, Tan — full of asteroids and pimping aliens… yeah right ..

Strong, Tan — my first impression of this name is haughty and chauvinist.

Sunday, Tan — why not saturday? parties are more happening on saturdays…

Sunshine, Tan — excessive sunshine would cause skin cancer.

Zero, Tan — won’t be a very bright person, I reckon…

Haf a nise dae.

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