Archive for April, 2004

April 26, 2004

ayam

Was at KFC for dinner today. There was a very boisterous 1 year old kid sitting behind Emily.

“Ayam! ayam!” the kid would shout. [‘Ayam‘ means chicken in Malay]

Occasionally, he would shout “Burger! burger!” but he shouted “ayam” more. Emily was enjoying her cholesterol laden chicken when I told her this :

Me : “Dear… I think the kid’s calling for you…”

Emily : “What kid?”

Me : “The little guy behind you…”

Emily : [turns to look behind her]

1 year old kid : “Ayam! ayam!”

Me : “Aaaaahhhhhhahahakssss !!!!!” [chunks of chicken skin flew out of my mouth]

Emily : [turns back to me and opened her mouth] BLAAAASSSSSSTTTTT !!!!!

It was her build-in flame thrower inside her mouth.

michaelooi  | 2-of-us  | Comments Off
April 25, 2004

“Kill Bill” (2003)

I finally watched “Kill Bill” last night. I know it’s already a history now… but, just wanted to blog about it in case anyone gets even more jurassic than myself.

Well, one word describes it all – bloody. The violence… gore… the blood. Oh my god. I love this movie. The main cost of making this movie? Fake blood. Lots of them. It’s the main ingredient. Starring : Fake blood, Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, etc.

Like a lot of other action movies do nowadays, this movie emphasizes on martial art actions. What’s an action movie without martial arts? Crap. Gone were the John Wayne era. In this movie, they hired Yuen Wo Ping — one of the famous martial arts director from HK – to choreograph for the stunts & fight scenes. That’s why, this flick looked very ‘kungfu-ish’. With flippings and all that.

Samurais don’t fight like this… they usually ride on horses and wield their swords with 2 hands… and would kill themselves over small matters. But, not in this movie. Uma waved her swords like loose limbed skanky bitch… mutilating any Japanese mobster that gets in the way…. and she single handedly killed approximately half the population of the Yakuzas… not quite logical but quite awesome. It makes “The Last Samurai” looked like a cooking show.

All distinctions aside, there were a couple of mistakes I’ve noticed though. The first one would be when she woke up from her 4 years coma. She recuperated her shrunken muscle in 13 hours (or was it 18? whatever) inside that Pussy Wagon. If she really took that long staying inside that wagon, 2 things would have happened.

1) she would suffocate. 13 hours inside an enclosed vehicle = suffocation. Period.
2) arrested by the authority. She killed 2 blokes inside a public hospital ward… do you think nobody would notice that? Please.

But no, instead of all that, she’s well and alive. Heck, she could even drive a 4 wheeler without any physiotherapy. That is simply not possible.

Another mistake is… in the movie — Uma was seen carrying a samurai sword inside the airplane. Now, we all know about the security level in airports… those fuckers won’t even let you bring a nail clipper into the plane… what more a 3 feet+ samurai sword? It just doesn’t make any sense. What were you thinking, Quentin??

But then, these are all small matters that can be overlooked. The main plot of the movie was revenge… not about messing with law enforcement officers or airport securities. Only terrorists do that. Overall, it was the fight scenes that took the cake… which I enjoyed very much. Can’t wait for the second episode.

michaelooi  | movie reviews  | Comments Off

walk me home

It was a stormy night and was raining heavily when Emily and I finished our dinner in a restaurant last night. We were like, waiting at a nearby burger stall to wait for the rain to slow down. That was when I noticed a couple of stray dogs lying at a corner nearby… shivering from the cold of the storm. And I remarked this to Emily out of conscience,

Me : “Poor dogs. They must be feeling like shit right now.”

But instead of empathizing my view, Emily had her attention on something else there…

Emily : “Pity that old man.”

She was referring to an old man standing nearby, whom I did not notice…

Me : “Errr… dear, I think it’s a female dog. I didn’t see any testicles hanging out from it’s behind… and it has tits hanging under it…”

Emily : “Nooo.. you tool. I was referring to that old man standing there with a walking stick!”

That was only then I saw that diminutive old man Emily was referring to… probably in his 70’s… with spiraling thick spectacles… standing at edge of the water curtain, waiting for the rain to stop so that he could go home. He had nothing with him except a big pouch and a walking stick. No umbrella. The walking stick he was holding indicated that he probably had some walking difficulty… and the pouch probably contained a few million bucks from the sales of some designer drugs… or some unsold lottery tickets.

Me : “Oh ok… that old man. Yeah… poor old man too.”

Emily : “He must be feeling very miserable right now.”

Tears were rolling down my face. No, not because I was emo or anything, but because I just had a very big yawn. I contemplated the situation while scratching my tummy and finally decided to do what’s best for the old man.

Me : “Alright dear. I’m gonna bring that old man home. You stay here and make sure my burger comes with cheese… ok?”

Emily nodded in approval. I don’t know why I did that. I never like old people and I usually avoid them whenever I could. But then, something came to me that night and I did some good for a stranger – I offered to walk an old man home under my umbrella…

Me : “Hello uncle. I can see you’re stranded here. Where do you live? Do you want me to walk you home?”

Old man : “That would be great. I live right across there [points at a block of apartment opposite the place]… You happen to live there as well?”

Me : “No uncle… I’m doing this because I’m nice. *wink wink*” [I’m not very good at this… I sounded like a kidnapper, I have to admit]

Old man : “Oh…” [a hint of fear in his eyes]

Me : “I’m just kidding, uncle. I am waiting for my burger and I have some free time to kill…”

Old man : “That’s very nice of you.”

And so that old man got into my umbrella and we walked. The rain was getting heavier by the seconds, and it was practically falling down diagonally instead of vertically. I had to slant my umbrella in such an angle so that the old man doesn’t get wet. But then I got my ass wet instead, I was soaking wet like a sponge.

Anyway, we got on a dry corridor on the way to the apartment, and walked a dry distance before going out to the open. Halfway along the corridor, we walked past a video arcade center, and there were 2 teenage punks in front of it. The old man then walked towards the 2 punks and lifted his walking stick to point at them and hollered “Hoi!!!”. I thought the old man went out of his mind and was going to smack the crap out of the 2 kids, and was about to grab the old man out of there… but instead, saw them playfully greeted old man back like one of their own – “Whatttss uppppp apek!”… and they started to chat.

I was dumbfucked of course. I was suppose to walk him home, remember? And there he was, chatting with some punks… while I was standing there half drenched like an idiot with an umbrella waiting for him. He did that for over a minute, and then I had to gently interrupted their chat

Me : “Uncle… do you still want to go home? My umbrella’s waiting…”

Old man : “Oh… yes… I almost forgot. Let’s go… let’s go…”

And we resumed walking… slowly… as he was slow with his walking problems and all that. Then, it happened again. This time, it was the newspaper vendor on the curb. Again, the old man lifted up his walking stick, greeted that fella… and then chatted. I was beginning to feel uneasy at that time. Felt like breaking his stupid walking stick. Again I had to remind that old man about our journey home by pointing at his apartment block using my wet umbrella. He resumed walking.

When we’re about halfway through the open space under the pouring rain, I asked the old man

Me : “Uncle, where is the entrance to your apartment block?”

He suddenly stopped walking and looked at me in a confused state. He looked like he had limited resources in him that he could only use it to either walk or think. He was thinking.

Old man : “I think it’s there… but it’s nearer here… but they won’t let us pass…”

I was like – wtf ?? My back was basically all wet, because we stopped under the heavy rain for too long…

Me : “Never mind, uncle. We’ll take the long route. Just keep walking, don’t stop.”

And after we walked for about 5 minutes, I finally got the sloth speed old man back at his apartment block foyer. No shit, it was a journey full of obstacles and felt like a thousand years. But at least he thanked me for the kindness and that’s all it takes to make it worthwhile to help him out.

I returned to Emily at the burger stall after that and left the place. Back home, I discovered that the burger man did not put cheese into my bun. FUCK.

michaelooi  | experiences  | Comments Off
April 23, 2004

mugged

There is this ‘pantry fund’ in the office where everyone would contribute 10 bucks monthly to pool some money to buy some necessities for our department office users. Stuff biscuits, 3-in-1 beverages and junk food, you know. The necessities will then be place in a communal spot, where everyone can grab some.

But then lately, there have been some assholes who did not contribute money stealing our biscuits. And it became so frequent that we’re starting to have a shortage of supply. That was when I decided to stop contributing to the fund unless somebody fucking do something about the theft. Besides, I only consume like, average 3 – 4 pcs of biscuits a week — and that definitely doesn’t worth 10 bucks. So I stopped my funding, and it has been 4 months since I paid… until today, I was struck with a pang hunger and stole some biscuits myself… and was unfortunate enough to be spotted by the 2 ladies guarding the holy cache of pooled rations – Kim and Fake.

I bailed the place immediately after realizing that they spotted me, in hope that I could avert any bloody confrontation. But I was wrong. Not long after I have wolfed down those biscuits, Kim & Fake came tramping into my cube. Fake had the exit of my cube blocked and Kim was the one who did the confrontation,

Kim : “Michael… pay up please.”

Direct and straight to the point. Fake then added further,

Fake : “40 bucks… mind you.”

Me : “I’m not gonna pay up. I only took 4 freaking biscuits for god’s sake.”

Fake : “Pay up or we’ll beat you up”

Me : “Look, there’s no need to resort to violence, ok? I’m going to pay only 10 bucks… and that’s it” [whips out 10 bucks]

Kim : [snatches the 10 bucks] “You’ll still need to pay the balance… or else, you’ll know the consequences”

Me : “Hey… if you want money, why don’t you collect from those scoundrels who stole our biscuits?”

Fake : “That’s not our problem. You just need to pay up…”

And the 2 girls ambled away counting their money with an attitude. I was mugged 10 bucks for eating 4 pieces of biscuits in the broad daylight. I wonder would have happened if I hijacked the whole container of biscuits instead? I would probably be brutally raped… mutilated and cannibalized by these 2 bitches from hell… no shit.

My office is a dangerous place I tell you.

michaelooi  | happenings  | Comments Off
April 22, 2004

staff meeting #3

My boss called for a meeting today to discuss about workplace experience and satisfaction.

Me : “Boss, I think we should not let those imbecile vendors to roam in our office cubes so freely…”

Boss : “Why is that?”

Me : “Because I suspect they ate our biscuits without asking. And sometimes, they wank on our chair…”

Boss : “I don’t believe you”

Me : “Oh yeah? Go fuck yourself then”

Boss : “Watch your language man… or I’ll turn gay”

Me : “May your dick get plenty of warts and callouses”

Boss : *turns gay and started to fellate anything he could find in the meeting room… furniture, whiteboard markers, etc ….*

Me & everyone else in the meeting : *escape unharmed*

Alright, I made this one up.

michaelooi  | work shit  | Comments Off