*This incident happened a few years ago in a pub.

It was Christmas Eve and I was with the BODs (Board Of Directors - my camaraderie of best buddies) inside a pub that we frequented every week. We’ve been there so often that we’ve developed quite a close relationship with the pub operators — including those super sexy bunch of waitresses and bar dancers that has cleavages deeper than the Grand Canyon. *I missed those days..*

That night, was also Emily’s first night out celebrating Christmas Eve in a pub with me. She has never been to a Christmas Eve party in a pub before, while for me, it’s my 30 milionth time. That night, I was trying my best to behave myself as much as possible for a good impression (Emily was just my girlfriend back then). I just sat beside her playing nice.

Then came this waitress who hailed the name Alice. One of my closest waitress-buddy in that pub. She doesn’t belong to the attractive type but more or less belonged to the hamster-cute-schoolgirl category. Seeing that I was playing nice in front of my girl, she decided to prank on me.

Each time she passes by our table, she would sprinkle some of those glitter-dust my head/face .. and then flee. I can’t do anything to retaliate her mischievous deeds as I was suppose to ‘behave’ in front of Emily. The most I can do was to show her some international sign language behind Emily’s back. But that only triggered more sniggers from the sorority of waitresses near the bar counter.

It continued through the night, and by the time the countdown was over, I was feeling sort of blitzed from alcohol intoxication .. and my face full of those sparkling glitters - thanks to Alice who kept sprinkling and rubbing them on my face. Alright, as one would have known, alcohol intoxication always does 2 things to a bloke — significant boost of morale/guts, and a marauding over-confidence of oneself. During this period, the IQ level will usually plummet to it’s minimum level. U get the idea. That’s what exactly happened to me.

Not long after that gush of inebriation hit me, Alice pulled the stunt again. This time, I caught her arm out of my fast reflex. Alice tried to wriggle herself free, but to no success. Then, I yanked her over to where I was, and grabbed her head with both my hands. *Note: Emily was still standing in front of me facing the opposite side, so, she didn’t see what I had done..

As I do not have those glitter-dust to pour on her, I did the next best thing — I pressed my face against her’s ..and smeared the glitters to her face in circular motion. I pressed so hard… that some of my saliva actually transferred along with the glitters onto her face — dubbed by myself as the “extra ingredient”. The BODs saw what I did .. and was flabbergasted with their mouths wide agape ….on what I’ve just done behind my soon-to-be wife. Emily became suspicious of something wrong when she saw my friends with those “theres-a-monster-behind-you” look… and turned around to see what the fuck’s going on.

In that split second, as Emily’s head started to tilt a wee bit for a full turnaround …. I reacted by flicking Alice off my hands and face … catapulting her onto a bar stool nearby. I did it just fast enough for Emily to see Alice flying away in mid-air while I retracted my hands. By the time Emily gazed on me, I gave her a blank innocent “what?” look … while Alice was cackling like Popeye’s Sea Hag on the stool nearby. I was petrified and there was a 2 seconds buffer of silence. I thought she would fire up her flamethrower to roast me alive… but instead of that, she gave me a smile and wiped off the nervous sweat that almost trickled down my forehead.

A very close shave indeed … I almost lost my life on that Christmas Eve.

Lesson learnt : Always buy your own glitter on Christmas Eve.

Had KFC for dinner today. There’s a very noisy 1 yr old kid sitting behind Emily. “Ayam ! ayam !” the kid would shout. Occasionally, he would shout “Burger ! burger !” .. but he shouted “ayam” more. Emily was enjoying her cholesterol laden chicken when I spoke out to her :

Me : “Dear … I think the kid’s calling for you…”

Emily : “What kid ?”

Me : “The little guy behind you..”

Emily : [turns over to look behind her]

1yr old kid : “Ayam ! ayam !”

Me : “Aaaaahhhhhhahahakssss !!!!!” [chunks of chicken skin purged out from my mouth]

Emily : [turns back to me and opened her mouth] BLAAAASSSSSSTTTTT !!!!!

It’s her build-in flame thrower inside her mouth. I had to quickly put out the flame that was engulfing my clothes … which I discovered later that it had burnt a big hole on my chest area — indecently exposing my tit to the kid who shouted “ayam” so passionately.

I finally watched “Kill Bill” last night. I know it’s already a history now … but, just wanted to blog about it in case anyone gets even more jurassic than myself.

Well, one word describes it all — bloody. The violence .. gore … the blood. Oh my god. I love this movie. The main cost of making this movie ? Fake blood. Lots of them. It’s the main ingredient. Starring : Fake blood, Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, etc.

Like lots of other action movies did nowadays, this movie emphasizes on martial art actions. What’s an action movie all about without martial arts ? Craps. Gone were the John Wayne era. In this movie, they hired Yuen Wo Ping — one of the famous martial arts director from HK — to arrange for the stunts & fight scenes. Hence, it looked very ‘kungfu-ish’. With flippings and all that.

Samurais don’t fight like this … they usually rides on horses and wield their swords with 2 hands… and would kill themselves over small matters. Like failing to configure their broadband connection. But, not in this movie. Uma waved her sword like loose limbed skanky bitch … mutilating Japanese mobsters that come in her way …. and she single handedly killed approximately half the population of the Yakuzas … not quite logical but awesome. It makes “The Last Samurai” look like a cooking show.

All distinctions aside, there are a couple of mistakes I’ve noticed though. The first one would be when she woke up from her 4 years coma. She recuperated her shrunken muscle for 13 hours (or was it 18 ? whatever) inside that Pussy Wagon. If she really took that long staying inside that wagon, 2 things would have happened.

1) she would suffocate. 13 hours inside an enclosed vehicle = suffocation. Period.
2) arrest by the authority. She just killed 2 blokes inside a public hospital ward… do u think nobody would notice that ? Please.

But no, instead of all that, she’s well and alive. Heck, she could even drive a 4 wheeler without any physiotherapy. We know that is impossible.

Another mistake is … in the movie — Uma was seen carrying a samurai sword inside the airplane. Now, we all know about the security level in airports … those fucker won’t even let you handcarry a nailclipper into the plane … what more a 3 feet+ samurai sword ? It just doesn’t make any sense. What were you thinking, Quentin ? ? ?

But then, these are all small matters that can be overlooked. The main plot of the movie was revenge .. not about messing with law enforcement officer or airport security. Only terrorists does that. Overall, it’s the fight scene that took the cake … which I enjoyed very much. Can’t wait for the second episode.

* a story happened last night. a very long entry… bitch if you want ..*

It suddenly rained heavily last night during our dinner. Sort of like a storm. Emily and I skeltered away with our big umbrella through the jet blast of rain towards a burger stall under a sheltered corridor. I wanted to buy us some burgers to fuel up for our late night “Kill Bill” DVD plan.

Once I folded up the umbrella, I noticed that there were a couple of dogs crouching themselves at a corner … shivering from the freezing winds of the storm (it’s never freezing in malaysia .. i used the word because it sounded good in that sentence). It was then, out of my warm human conscience, I uttered the following to Emily :

Me : “Poor dogs. They must be feeling like shit right now.”

Emily : “Pity that old man.”

Me : “Errr.. dear, I think it’s a female dog. I didn’t see any testicles hanging out from it’s behind .. and she got big tits”

Emily : “Nooo.. you tool. I’m referring to that old man standing there with a walking stick !”

I then saw that diminutive old man Emily was referring to… probably in his 70’s … with spiralling thick spectacles….standing right beside the edge of the water curtain, waiting for the rain to stop so that he could go home. He got nothing except a big pouch and a walking stick. No umbrella. The walking stick he was holding indicated that he probably has some difficulty to walk … and the pouch probably contained a few million bucks …. or some 4D tua-pek-kong dictionary.

Me : “Oh …ok… that old man. Yeah … poor old man.”

Emily : “He must be feeling very miserable right now.”

Tears were rolling down my face. No, not because I felt sad about anything, but because I gave a very big yawn. I contemplated at the situation ..while scratching my tummy and decided to do what’s best.

Me : “Alright dear. U make sure my burger comes with cheese… ok ? I’m gonna bring that old man home.”

Emily nodded in approval. I didn’t know why I did that. I never liked old people and usually, I avoid them for good. But then, I made an exception at that moment, and approached the old guy to offer him a dry walk home under my big ass umbrella.

Me : “Hello uncle. I can see you’re stranded here. Where do you live ? U want me to walk you back home ? ”

Old Guy : “That would be great. I lived there [pointed at a block of apartment opposite the place] … You live there as well ? ”

Me : “No uncle … I’m doing this because I’m a very nice guy. *wink wink*” [I sounded like a kidnapper sweet talking to a child]

Old Guy : “Oh…” [a hint of freak in his eyes]

Me : “I’m just kidding, uncle. I am waiting for my burger to be ready, so…I’m kinda free .. ”

Old Guy : “That’s very nice of you.”

And so I walked that old man over to the opposite building, where we’ll have to navigate along it’s corridor, then to cross a road before reaching his apartment block. The rain’s getting heavier by the seconds, and it was practically sweeping down diagonally instead of vertically. I had to slant my umbrella in such angle so that the old man doesn’t get wet. But in the process, my ass got sprayed by those stray raindrops that my umbrella failed to shield — rendering it wet like a soaked sponge. Such magnitude of sacrifice.

Upon reaching the dry corridor, me and old man walked pass a video arcade center … and there were 2 teenagers with a “spank me” and “gangsterous” face standing right outside the tacky place. Old man suddenly lifted his walking stick up to the eye level of the 2 teenagers …. and he shouted at them “Hoi !!!”. At first, I thought that old man went nuts and wanted to look for trouble with those vile youngsters. I almost got myself ready to bail … errmm … to protect that old man … until I realized that they actually knew each other. Teenagers greeted him back “Whatttss uppppp apek ?” .. and they continued to chat.

I was definitely dumbfucked. I’m supposed to walk him back, remember ? And he was doing his chatting right there … with the half-drenched me standing like an idiot with an umbrella waiting for him. Then, for what it must be like a minute or so, I gently interrupted their chat

“Uncle … you still want to go home ? My umbrella’s waiting .. ”

“Oh… yes .. I almost forgot. Let’s go… let’s go..”

We resumed walking … slowly …as he was kinda slow with his walking problems and all that. Then, it happened again. This time, it’s the newspaper vendor on the corridor. Old guy lifted up his walking stick, greeted each other… then chatted. I was definitely pissed at that time. Felt like wanting to break his stick. He was about to really get into it … until I reminded that old guy about our journey home by pointing at his apartment block using my wet umbrella. He resumed walking.

When we’re halfway through the open space under the pouring rain, I asked the old man “Uncle, where’s the entrance to your apartment block ?”.

He suddenly stopped walking and looked at me in a confused state. “I think it’s there … but it’s nearer here … but they won’t let us pass…. “.

I was like - wtf ?? My back was basically all wet, because we paused under the heavy rain for too long … coz my ass was outside the umbrella’s “dry border”. And he’s still standing there wouldn’t budge.

“Nehmind uncle. We’ll take the long route. Just keep walking. Don’t stop. I’ve got a big ass umbrella here .. you’re covered.” But, I’m not. Geez. And after walking for about 5 minutes, I finally got the sloth speed old guy back at his apartment block’s lobby. It was a journey full of obstacles and felt like a thousand years. Well, at least he thanked me and that’s all it takes to make it worthwhile to help him out.

I returned to Emily at the burger stall … and left the place together after that. Back home, I discovered that the burgerman did not put cheese into my bun. FUCK.

In my office, we have this “pantry fund” — where everyone would contribute 10 bucks monthly to buy some necessity for our department office users. Necessities like biscuits, 3in1 beverages and junk food. The necessities will then shared in a common cubicle — whenever one’s hungry or dying of dehydration — there’s a sactuary place for you to grab some biscuit and a cup of hot chocolate. It’s a good thing.

But then, there are some assholes from other department that would sneak up and steal our biscuits.. So frequent that there weren’t enough of them to even feed the comittee members. That’s when I decided to stop paying money to the fund - coz it’s freaking unfair to us taxpayers. Moreover, I only hoovered average 3 - 4 pcs of biscuits in a week — and they don’t worth 10 bucks from my pocket. And I stopped my payment to the fund for approximately 4 months … without trace. Until today.

Today, I hijacked some biscuits from that cube and was spotted by Kim & Fake (the 2 young girls from my department designated to safeguard those biscuits). I bailed the place immediately hoping that I could avert any bloody confrontation. But I was wrong. They caught on with me.

Not long after I have wolfed down those biscuits, Kim & Fake came tramping into my cube. They advertently blocked the entrance to my cube so that I won’t be able to escape.

Kim : “Michael… pay up please.”

Fake : “40 bucks ..mind you. And you dare to take the biscuits”

Me : “I’m not gonna pay up. I only took 4 freaking biscuits for god’s sake.”

Fake : “Pay up or we’ll beat you up”

Me : “Look, there’s no need to resort to violence, kay ? I’m paying only 10 bucks… that’s it” [whips out 10 bucks]

Kim : [snatches the 10 bucks] “You’ll still need to pay the balance… or else, you’ll know the consequences”

Me : “Hey .. if you want money, collect from those scoundrels that stole our biscuits, kay ?”

Fake : “That’s not our problem. You just need to pay up .. ”

And the 2 mafia-like girls ambled away counting their money while biting a cuban cigar at the corner of their mouths. I was mugged 10 bucks for eating 3 pieces of biscuits. What would have happened if I hijacked the whole container of biscuits ? I would have probably been brutally raped… mutilated and canniballized by these 2 hellbitches …. no shit.

It’s a dangerous place out there I tell you.