near death experience
*This incident happened a few years ago in a pub.
It was Christmas Eve and I was with the BODs (Board Of Directors - my camaraderie of best buddies) inside a pub that we frequented every week. We’ve been there so often that we’ve developed quite a close relationship with the pub operators — including those super sexy bunch of waitresses and bar dancers that has cleavages deeper than the Grand Canyon. *I missed those days..*
That night, was also Emily’s first night out celebrating Christmas Eve in a pub with me. She has never been to a Christmas Eve party in a pub before, while for me, it’s my 30 milionth time. That night, I was trying my best to behave myself as much as possible for a good impression (Emily was just my girlfriend back then). I just sat beside her playing nice.
Then came this waitress who hailed the name Alice. One of my closest waitress-buddy in that pub. She doesn’t belong to the attractive type but more or less belonged to the hamster-cute-schoolgirl category. Seeing that I was playing nice in front of my girl, she decided to prank on me.
Each time she passes by our table, she would sprinkle some of those glitter-dust my head/face .. and then flee. I can’t do anything to retaliate her mischievous deeds as I was suppose to ‘behave’ in front of Emily. The most I can do was to show her some international sign language behind Emily’s back. But that only triggered more sniggers from the sorority of waitresses near the bar counter.
It continued through the night, and by the time the countdown was over, I was feeling sort of blitzed from alcohol intoxication .. and my face full of those sparkling glitters - thanks to Alice who kept sprinkling and rubbing them on my face. Alright, as one would have known, alcohol intoxication always does 2 things to a bloke — significant boost of morale/guts, and a marauding over-confidence of oneself. During this period, the IQ level will usually plummet to it’s minimum level. U get the idea. That’s what exactly happened to me.
Not long after that gush of inebriation hit me, Alice pulled the stunt again. This time, I caught her arm out of my fast reflex. Alice tried to wriggle herself free, but to no success. Then, I yanked her over to where I was, and grabbed her head with both my hands. *Note: Emily was still standing in front of me facing the opposite side, so, she didn’t see what I had done..
As I do not have those glitter-dust to pour on her, I did the next best thing — I pressed my face against her’s ..and smeared the glitters to her face in circular motion. I pressed so hard… that some of my saliva actually transferred along with the glitters onto her face — dubbed by myself as the “extra ingredient”. The BODs saw what I did .. and was flabbergasted with their mouths wide agape ….on what I’ve just done behind my soon-to-be wife. Emily became suspicious of something wrong when she saw my friends with those “theres-a-monster-behind-you” look… and turned around to see what the fuck’s going on.
In that split second, as Emily’s head started to tilt a wee bit for a full turnaround …. I reacted by flicking Alice off my hands and face … catapulting her onto a bar stool nearby. I did it just fast enough for Emily to see Alice flying away in mid-air while I retracted my hands. By the time Emily gazed on me, I gave her a blank innocent “what?” look … while Alice was cackling like Popeye’s Sea Hag on the stool nearby. I was petrified and there was a 2 seconds buffer of silence. I thought she would fire up her flamethrower to roast me alive… but instead of that, she gave me a smile and wiped off the nervous sweat that almost trickled down my forehead.
A very close shave indeed … I almost lost my life on that Christmas Eve.
Lesson learnt : Always buy your own glitter on Christmas Eve.