Some advice to movie actors/actresses
- in most hindustan movies, I noticed that the villain always uses a chainsaw as a weapon. Alright, a chainsaw might be one heck of a badass weapon — but think about it. The damn thing probably weighted a tonne. To lift it alone would burn enough calories to cook a whole sack of potatoes. Choose your weapons wisely. Use a gun… or a machete… or a butterfly flip blade. They are much lighter, faster and easier to conceal (someone translate this to the Indians so that they can understand)
- for the girls, when you hear something spooky or funny shit coming out from your dark backyard or storeroom, get the fuck out of the house and drive to the nearest police station. That’s the safest bet to keep yourself alive. Never EVER go out to investigate those noises… because the noise might be a decoy for you to expose yourself to a bunch of pervert zombies waiting to shove their half decomposed dick into your mouth. Use some common sense.
- If you got shot or something and was about to die… and you have some unsettled wish to utter before you die…. my advice to you is — keep on talking. It seems like everytime the person finishes his/her talking, he/she will croak immediately. Keep talking… whatever topic you can think of… at least until the paramedics arrive. Who knows… you might get to live again.
- some big mutated lizard stomping all over the city and destroying properties? Don’t use apaches or fighter jets to battle against the rampaging lizard. Just stuff plenty of cyanide into a few tonnes of fishes. Let the bugger eat those fishes. Wait. Clean up the carcass.
- when you have millions of killer cockroaches eating everything in it’s path and you have nowhere to hide… try to seek refuge in the nearest insecticide factory. Or at least hide at the nearest convenient store that stocks tonnes of those aerosol insecticide sprays. You’ll get to buy off a lot of time until some hero ends the movie — and you might still get to retain your life to star in another movie.
- if you’ve got half of the world’s population that would do anything to possess a ring that you have in your pocket, and you can’t destroy it… the best way to rid of it is to go to the nearest sea/ocean… and cast it into the depth of the ocean. If it won’t deter them from getting the ring, at least it would be fun to see so many people jumping into the sea/ocean for a massive “seek the ring marathon”.
- if you see a few girls with martial arts skills trying to infiltrate your mob boss’ base, just let them do it. Don’t attempt to stop them at all. They’re after your boss… not you. Not worth to risk your life – since your boss is gonna die or get caught anyway. Just let the girls in to finish their business. Who knows, they might award you a flash of their tits as a gratitude for your kindness… or better still, get a more important role to star in the next movie.
- when you discovered that your enemies have the ability to dodge bullets in slow motion… that means a gun won’t get the job done. You’ll need something else more powerful. Throw a grenade on where he’s standing and get the hell out of there (to a safe distance). Even if he can dodge the grenade shrapnel that flew in random directions, the explosion force would actually send him flying off from the ground. When he landed hard from the explosion, then only shoot him with your gun. Repeat process until bullet hits the target. Spit on carcass to look cool.
- when you’re about to engage in a hump scene with the lead actress… always switch on the lights. Or do it somewhere with reasonable amount of lighting. It’s very important to let the audience judge how you fared humping the lead actress. I mean, if you guys are doing it in the dark… who the fuck’s gonna know if you’re really good in that part of acting? If you wanted privacy, you would have done it in private, right? Just switch on the lights. Let us see some.
can’t think of more. Will add later.