hard labor
Was chatting with my colleagues in my company’s shitty cafeteria this morning — when the girls suddenly talked about having kids. AnnElle shared her experience on her labor. She described about her pain … and was trying very hard to make me (& Blackie) to understand what she had been through.
She did it with such passion and a lot of rhetorical expression … that she actually sort of really made me imagine the pain of getting a toolbox sized kid out from her dick-compatible sized batcave. I tried hard to scramble my brain to imagine her descriptions … and even attempted to mentally simulate the pain. But hard as I try, I couldn’t do it — coz my genitalia is entirely different from a female’s. The gearbox and engine was completely of a different design. (special note: mine’s a twin turbo)
So, I tried my very best to create a facade of comprehension by constantly nodding pretentiously …and showed some emphatical expressions (to show that I am a person that appreciates what the ladies had to go through). It was then the following conversation took place:
“You know .. the moment that baby was out … i tell you .. it’s the most relieving moment I ever had in my life”
“Yeah .. I can imagine that. I actually went through that before.”
Alright … I over-reacted. I spoke too fast. How in the world would I be able to go through that ? It was obviously a blunder. I had to pull back on track. So, I went ahead to explain to her that I’m imagining that being in labor is just like a very bad case of stomach-ache (description was reproduced with some grandiose hyperboles, while retaining the key points. You get the idea). :
“It should be like a very bad case of stomach ache. The baby can be likened as a big piece of crap lodged in between your intestines … and was about to make it’s way out. The shit would be so big that it would tear your asshole’s diameter a few inches larger… making you scream in pain.
You will then throttle at full force to squeeze & ooze out the beast inch by inch .. accompanied by some unidentified viscous yellowish liquid discharge blended with occasional toxic fart gases. And when you’re about to pass out from the immense laborious pain and fatigue, you then realized that the big piece of shit is still going through some final phase of squirming it’s entire structure out…. and was hanging there .. about to take a dive into the small pool of water inside the porcelain bowl.
You then muster your last ounce of strength to contract your sphincter’s muscle to cut the piece of hanging shit … and finally dropped the nuclear device out from your body. The huge asteroid-like piece of shit would then plunge into the pool of water and create a splash so big … that it would drench your entire ass dripping wet.
It was only then, you get to sigh the breath of relieve … for it felt like heaven to have rid of that monster from your bowels.”
AnnElle responded with an agaped mouth …. and punched me on my shoulder. If she was not a girl, I would have retaliated by shoving the cafeteria’s chair into her mouth, after giving her an Ong Bak styled elbow uppercut. No shit.