Throughout my life, I’ve seen countless of dumb acts … some by my friends, some by strangers .. and some I even did it myself. But these dumb acts, are especially fun to poke at … and always a good way to impress girls at parties or your first date. U know .. re-tell the stories to make them laugh .. to have a good impression about u .. then to succumb to your lies and deception … then … passionate kiss……sex ….. Ok, I’m drifting off topic again.

Now this incident happened at the end of year 1998. I was with Emily and her female friends in KL for the New Year celebration. One of our group companion was Pear — a decent girl who is one of Emily’s friend and never visited KL in her life before.

What about her ? Well, she’s an eccentric girl. Hobby is to sit near a desk by herself and scribble garbage characters with a pen on a paper… while staring into blank space chanting something that nobody in this world would understand (she does that all the time). Everyone tried to assure me that she isn’t psychotic but I’m not really convinced. She’s a goddamn freak in my humble opinion.

Alright, during our trip to KL, the girls insisted to try out KL’s LRT, so I played nice and brought them to the Amcorp mall LRT station. It’s 3 bucks (back then) for a ride to Central market. I forgot actually how we bought the ticket but, I remembered that there’s a machine for us to slot in 3 pcs of one-ringgit coin into the coin-slot.

Now, Pear… she only have 3 one-ringgit notes … instead of coins. The next thing she should do was to go to the nearby counter .. to exchange for coins .. then to proceed with our business. But noooooo … Instead of doing all that .. Pear folded up the 3 one-ringgit paper notes … and attempted to stuff them into the coin slot. I saw the whole thing … and was stoned watching the doofus act in front of my eyes.

It took approximately 500miliseconds for my eyeballs to send the signal “laugh all your might” into my brain … before I started to york out tears and phlegm from laughing too hard. She stopped her act immediately when she figured out that I was laughing at her. Then, my abs started to cramp and I have to cringe myself up to continue laughing. What was she thinking ??

“AHAHAHHH !! YOU STUPID FUCK !!! AHAHAHAHHHH” I jeered at her while snorting out my nostril lining … almost spewing my dinner.

Emily and her friends hooted me at first for ridiculing her cold like this … but it wasn’t long before they started to burst out laughing together with me. I wondered what would have happened if she was alone…

Now… somebody tell me she (Pear) isn’t actually stupid.

This morning, when I was queing up to pay for the shitty food in my company’s cafeteria, Doug came up to me and said

Doug : “Mike … you got US visa ?”

Me : “Huh ?”

Doug : “US visa…. you got it ?”

Me : “US pizza ? You have the coupon ? No thanks man … i prefer Pizza Hut anytime.”

Doug : “Noooooo … US v-i-s-a goddamn it…”

Me : “Ohhh .. ok … no … die already.”

Somebody ….please …. tell me my hearing’s ok. First …. “orang utan” … now .. “US Pizza” pulak …. uggghh

Today during departmental lunch at a seafood restaurant … we were chatting about allergy to seafood. Suddenly, our manager threw out a question …

Manager : “Anybody allergic to rambutan ?”

Me : “wtf ?? allergic to orang utan ??? i didn’t know that they’re actually edible….”

Manager : “RAM-BU-TAN”

Me : “ooh … ok. For a moment, I thought u were really asking about orang utans … coz there are a lot of them in our company… ”

Colleagues : Laughed like hyena being sodomized by a jackass..

We all knew those orang utans that I meant was the managers himself/herself. It’s a remark with a veiled sarcasm that those retarded managers will never comprehend.

You know, when I was with my old car, I used to be carefree, bold and dangerous. Heck, I don’t even give a hoot about a dog crossing the road. So what if I run over a dog ? Not that I’m gonna have to bury or organize a funeral for that four legged son of a bitch. I don’t respect potholes nor bumps. And I can basically go anywhere with my car ..dirt roads, slum car parks, ghetto markets, moon, mars, jupiter .. anywhere….

What about me with my new car now ? I started to get paranoid. I begin to slow down to almost a halt when I see potholes or uneven road. I started to get phobia on driving my car to any places with high concentration of traffic. I started to worry about tyre pressure … the gas … the noise .. everything. I begin to have nightmares — that somebody might scratch my car … some bird might took a dump on my car’s brand new layer of metallic paint … some other vehicle gang banging my second wife Lorraine …

I’m starting to lose my appetite to whack food … lose my interest in girls and sex … and before long, i will lose my social life to isolate myself in a dark corner succumbing to my own mental fear… Arrgggh

Somebody… please… tell me this is suppose to be normal.

I finally met my second wife yesterday, Lorraine. She is such a beauty. Emily liked her very much too. The reason I did not blog yesterday was because I was fiddling with her too much … until I lost track of time.

Now that she has officially moved to live with us, I’m sure my days ahead will be much happier. The 3 of us gonna have a lot of fun together.

Can’t wait to fondle her after work.