Archive for April, 2004

April 30, 2004

dumb acts : pear

Circa 1998, I was with Emily and her female friends in KL for the New Year celebration. One of our group companion was Pear — a decent girl who is one of Emily’s best friend and had actually never visited KL in her life before.

A little bit about this Pear : she’s an eccentric fuck. Hobby is to sit near a desk by herself and scribble garbage characters with a pen on a paper… while staring into blank space chanting something that nobody in this world could understand (yes, she does that all the time). Everyone tried to assure me that she isn’t actually psychotic but I’m not really convinced. She’s a goddamn freak in my humble opinion.

Alright, during our trip to KL, the girls insisted to try out KL’s LRT, so I played nice and brought them to the Amcorp mall LRT station. It’s 3 bucks (back then) for a ride to Central market. I forgot actually how we bought the ticket but, I remember there was a machine for us to slot in 3 one-ringgit coins into the coin-slot to purchase the trip ticket.

Now, Pear… she was caught with a dilemma. She realized that she only had 3 one-ringgit NOTES… no coins. Well, it would have been easy for anyone, because we’d go to the nearby counter and exchange for some coins. But not for Pear. Apparently, she had this bright idea of FOLDING the 3 one-ringgit paper notes and attempted to stuff them into the coin slot. I saw the whole thing unfolding before me and almost had a heart attack laughing. She of course froze immediately when she heard me laughing like a madman…

“AHAHAHHH !! YOU STUPID FUCK !!! AHAHAHAHHHH” I jeered at her while snorting out my nostril lining… almost to the brink of throwing up.

Emily and her friends hooted me at first for ridiculing her cold heartedly like thi … but it wasn’t long before they started to burst out laughing together with me. I wonder what would have happened if she actually DID MANAGE to stuff in those notes into the coin slot.

Now… somebody tell me she (Pear) isn’t actually stupid.

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US pizza

This morning, when I was queuing up in my company’s cafeteria, Doug came up to me and asked

Doug : “Mike… you have US visa?”

Me : “Huh?”

Doug : “US visa… you have one?”

Me : “US pizza? You have the coupon? No thanks man… I prefer Pizza Hut anytime.”

Doug : “Noooooo… US v-i-s-a goddamn it…”

Me : “Ohhh ok… no… mine was expired”

I think my hearing’s deteriorating. First… ‘orang utan’ … now ‘US Pizza’… sheesh.

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April 29, 2004

orang utan

We were casually discussing about allergies to seafood during our departmental lunch at a restaurant, when our manager threw out a question …

Manager : “Anybody allergic to rambutan?”

Me : “What the fuck?? Allergic to orang utan??? I didn’t know that they’re actually edible…”

Manager : “RAM-BU-TAN”

Me : “Ooh… ok. For a moment there, I thought you were really asking about orang utans… because there are definitely a lot of them in our company… ”

Colleagues : *Laugh like a hyena being sodomized by a jackass…*

It was a sarcastic joke of course. We all knew those orang utans that I was referring to, were the managers. But that lady manager didn’t get it.

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somebody… pls…

You know, when I was with my old car, I used to be carefree, bold and dangerous. Heck, I didn’t even give a hoot about a dog crossing the road. So what if I run over a dog? Not that I’m going have to give it a proper burial or organize a funeral for that four legged son of a bitch. I didn’t respect potholes nor bumps. And I could basically go anywhere with my car… dirt roads, slum car parks, ghetto markets, moon, mars, jupiter… anywhere…

But now that I have gotten myself a new car, I started to get paranoid. I begin to slow down to almost a halt when I see potholes or uneven road. I started to get phobia on driving my car to any places with high concentration of traffic. I started to worry about the tire pressure… the gas… the noise… everything. I started to have nightmares — that somebody might scratch my car… some bird might take a dump on my car’s brand new layer of metallic paint… some other vehicle gang banging my second wife Lorraine …

I started to lose my appetite to whack food… lost my interest in girls and sex… and before long, I will even lose my fucking mind, probably isolate myself in a dark corner whimpering… Arrgggh

Somebody… please… tell me this is suppose to be normal.

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April 27, 2004

near death experience

*This happened a few years ago in a pub.

It was Christmas Eve and I was with the BODs (Board Of Directors – my camaraderie of best buddies) inside a pub that we frequented every week. We’ve been there so often that we’ve developed quite a close relationship with the pub operators – including those super sexy bunch of waitresses and bar dancers that have cleavages deeper than the Grand Canyon. *I miss those days..*

That night, was also Emily’s first night out celebrating Christmas Eve in a pub with me. She had never been to a Christmas Eve party prior that night. That night, I was trying my best to behave myself as much as possible to maintain a good impression (Emily was just my girlfriend back then). So I would just sit there beside her playing nice, and that was my plan for the night.

Then came this waitress who hailed the name Alice. We’re kind of ok with each other, and she knew I was a regular. She doesn’t belong to the attractive type but more or less like that of an underage-schoolgirl category. Seeing that I was playing nice in front of my girl, she decided to play some pranks on me.

Each time she passes where I was sitting, she would sprinkle some of those glitter-dust on my head/face… and then bolt off. I couldn’t do anything to retaliate because I had to be with Emily. The most I could do was to show her some crude sign language behind Emily’s back. But that only encouraged her to do more.

I continued to get ‘sprinkled’ with glitter dust through the night, and by the time the countdown was over, I was feeling sort of blitzed from alcohol intoxication and I had a face full of those sparkling glitters – thanks to Alice. By that time, I had already lost all my senses from the alcohol and was already starting to lookout for Alice… and actually caught her when she tried to pull the stunt again. Oh man, what fun it was – for an intoxicated guy to grab hold of a prankster chick. Alice tried to wriggle herself free, but her effort was futile. I yanked her over to where I was, and grabbed hold of her head with both my hands. *Note: Emily was still standing in front of me facing the opposite side, so she didn’t see the whole thing…

As I do not have those glitter dust to sprinkle on her (if I had some, I would have poured them all into her tits), I did the next best thing – I used those on my face. What I did was, I pressed my face against her’s… and smeared the glitters onto her face in circular motion. I pressed so hard… that some of my saliva actually transferred along with the glitters onto her face. The BODs saw what I did… and was flabbergasted with their mouths wide agape… on what I had just done behind my soon-to-be wife. Emily became suspicious of something wrong when she saw my friends with those ‘theres-a-monster-behind-you’ look… and turned around to see what the fuck was going on.

In that split second when Emily’s head started to turn a couple of degrees towards my direction, I reacted by flicking Alice off my hands and face… catapulting her onto a bar stool nearby. I did it just fast enough for Emily to see Alice flying away in halfway while I retracted my hands. By the time Emily was looking at me, I gave her a blank innocent ‘what?’ (albeit panicky) look… while Alice was cackling like Popeye’s Sea Hag on the stool nearby. I was so fucking freaked out and there was a 2 seconds buffer of silence. I thought Emily saw the whole thing and would fire up her flamethrower to roast me alive… but instead of that, she gave me a smile and wiped off the nervous sweat that almost trickled down my forehead.

A very close shave indeed … I almost lost my life on that Christmas Eve.

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