Archive for March, 2004

March 8, 2004

weird neighbors – spinster & her dog

Circa 1990 – 1999. My worst years of living around weird neighbors.

Right across my house’ front yard, lived a spinster in her late 30’s codenamed FatMary… and her lunatic dog, Barney.

Why was she weird? Well, she fucking talked to her psychotic dog, that’s why. I mean, not like “Sit !” or “Eat!” that kind of talk. She would talk to her dog elaborately like it was her lover or something. And when Barney fails to answer her back, she would yell at it – “Barney! why you no answer me ??” (yep, she loves to shout around her house in broken English to that garbage hound). I had been crudely awakened from countless of sleeps and naps with her yelling around like that – there was simply no peace at all living next to her.

Her dog Barney, was also a retarded lifeform like FatMary. It was a mongrel that was born without a brain and an amplified bark loudspeaker connected directly to a biological motion sensor. The product was Barney, a bark machine that would bark at anything that moves – cats, lizards, chickens, ants, FatMary… you name it. It would bark day and night without rest.

It was particularly frustrating for me especially when I came home late & supposed to be in a stealth mode (you know, I was still too young for discos and stuff)… only to wake the entire neighborhood when Barney fucking barked like there was no tomorrow when I touch the gate.

It was my teen-hood trauma – for not being able to grow up like any other normal teenagers. Each time I had my dose of fun at clubs/discos, my mom would always find out and gave me mind numbing lectures. Thanks to Barney the goddamn psychotic dog.

There was once, my father got so frustrated with Barney… that he actually hurled his then Motorola MicroTac (known to be an effective weapon against anything) to the dog. It hit Barney square on the head and had it hiding in the cage for days.

Well, the fucker dog was still around when I moved out from the neighborhood in 1999. I remember giving the dog a few pelts of slingshots before leaving the place — as a token of appreciation for the hundreds of sleepless nights it had given to me throughout the years.

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March 7, 2004

adventurous side effects

I did not have a good sleep last night after getting inebriated from an outing with friends. That was why I had this terrible hangover this morning. I could have slept through into the afternoon but I couldn’t as I was making myself obliged to watch that Formula 1 race on TV.

As I was watching the race with my half-sober mind, suddenly, a large object appeared out of nowhere blocking the TV. It was my mom.

“What happened to you? You look terrible”
“I looked the same mom.”

It is always a mistake to tell your mom that you’ve been drinking the previous night. I was exactly doing that same denial…

“You look sick. You need to go to the doctor”
“No I’m fine mom. You are blocking the TV”
“No, I seriously think you should go to the doctor.”

I actually puked too hard last night and had developed some tiny red spots around the rim of my eyes. Those spots were resulted from burst blood capillaries (or something like that, according to doc) when I strained too hard from the puking. I was trying in vain not to let my mom find out about my misadventure the night before.

“Look, mom, I’m fine. It’s nothing serious. Really”
“Look at the red spots around your eyes! I think you have measles!”
“No mom… I’m not having measles. It’s just that… spots… developed when I puked too hard last night..”
“You puked? Why did you puke?”
“Errr…. food poisoning I guess. Mom.. you are blocking the damn race”

And that was when Montoya attempted his stupid overtaking maneuver, which caused Jenson Button to mow a part of Melbourne circuit’s grassy lawn. My mom almost made me missed that.

“You know, you have to be careful… bla bla bla… grow up… bla bla”
“Mom! Can’t you do this later? I’m trying to watch some TV here.”
“bla bla bla”
“I’ll give you some money mom. Go buy yourself something and let me watch my TV… ok?”

I didn’t know why I said that. Probably still very blur from the hangover and deprivation of sleep. My mom let out a snigger and left me alone after that. I guess it didn’t take her very long to find out that her son still have some small amount of alcohol flowing inside his brain.

Right after the race, I told Emily that I “needed to solve some serious problem inside the toilet” — and puked again. I felt so lethargic after that… and crashed without regaining consciousness until 6pm today. That has got to be one of the worst hangover I’ve ever had in my life.

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March 6, 2004

things

Some of the things that I’ve pondered during the journey to Emily’s hometown on Friday night:

– Why do our government restrict the speed limit at 110kph when most of the modern automobiles can go faster than that?

– If speeding is dangerous, then why do we keep seeing faster and more powerful new cars being introduced to consumers today?

– If we aren’t suppose to speed at highways, does that mean we’re suppose to speed at smaller trunk roads?

– Saw someone screamed at his kid for being noisy today – for playing with a whistle. If that guy is peeved with the noise of a whistle, why buy it for his kid in the first place?

– The guy who screamed at his kid – wasn’t he being noisy by screaming so loud himself?

– Why do people have kids if they’re so easily annoyed with them?

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March 5, 2004

zombie inside

Goddamn. Lots of problems at work since yesterday. That explains why I haven’t got the time to do my own stiff lately (blogging, surfing, etc).

Well, one of my problems today was to work with a contractor called ‘Egg’. Now, if you have been following my blog, you would probably recognize this name, he was one of the fortunate people featured in my hate list before.

You see, this guy has a very serious problem with his breath. It stinks. Hell, it reeked so bad that I suspect that if I were to stand around him long enough, my white shirt would turn yellow. Alright, that might be over the top but, you get the point.

Each time Egg opens his mouth, I would be pressed to dive for cover. His breath had already destroyed a couple of my notebooks and partially damaged some of my expensive equipments. And I’ve already spent a lot of money fixing those stuff in my lab… all because of his stinking breath.

Alright… I made all that up, but the truth is still — he’s got a terminal case of halitosis. His appearance may look like a normal human… but when he opens his mouth, you’d think that he’s a decomposing corpse in disguise.

I do not know if he knows he has an awful breath. But having seen all the gag reflex around him… I reckon he should have some inkling that people are appalled whenever he’s in proximity. And yet, strangely, he did not seem to have done anything about it.

But then, considering the seriousness about his breath problem – I doubt that it can be solved by just chewing a pack of mint gum. I asked myself, what do people normally do to decomposing corpse? Yep, they cremate them. Burn them. Hence, for Egg’s case, I can assume that his breath can only be cured by burning whatever that’s rotting inside his mouth. Like maybe, have him swallow a can of petrol and light up. That way, it would not only stop the decomposition process but also eliminate the bacterias that causes the foul odor as well. And while he’s doing the therapy, he take the opportunity to impress his friends…

Man, if only he’s that considerate and smart…

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March 3, 2004

dirt road chase

I just came back from a collecting something from a friend’s home with Emily. That friend lives in a suburb and the road that leads to her house was unpaved and all dirt. It was a short visit though. I didn’t even get off from the car because

1) there were lots of mosquitoes there…
2) we just wanted to pass something to that friend, and that can be easily achieved by winding down the window…
3) there were approximately 3 dogs in her compound… and didn’t like me a lot.

The dogs were like, all frenzy when they saw me. I don’t know why. They were barking so mad as if I’ve just killed their bitch mother or something. But didn’t give a damn of course, I just went on with the business, settled it quick and got the hell out of there.

But as I was cruising my car along unpaved road out of the area, the dogs gave chase from behind – barking mad from behind. Like I’m suppose to be scared or something. That was when I had a wicked idea of fucking with the dogs. I stepped on my brake hard, stopping the car completely within a short distance. Due to their close proximity from the back of my bumper — I knew there simply wasn’t enough space/time for the dogs to avert in time. As expected, the canines did slide down the dirt road and was in a clear course to collide with my bumper. 2 of the dogs hit, but one of them was actually quick enough to avert my car, and dove into a nearby bush filled with wet mud instead, rolled a few times before landing a stop. All these happened in a little less than a few seconds, but my mind registered the whole incident like in slow motion, frame by frame.

My reaction? I laughed till I almost died. But I know, that friend wouldn’t be so amused washing the mud off the poor dog. Hahhah

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