Archive for March, 2004

March 13, 2004

let out session

Haven’t anyone already knew that there will be an election going on in our country? Then why are they still hanging those stupid posters all over the place? Are those politicians stupid or something? Can’t they just hang 1 or 2 posters… or just enough to tell the people that who they should vote for? Like 1 poster in every area, instead of 500 posters in the same square inch?

Some of the banners and posters were even hung right beside some road intersections, which makes it real difficult to look out for oncoming vehicles and elevates the risks of having an accident. I wonder what was on their mind, that the people might miss the election just because they did not see enough posters around? And does that the election campaign is actually more important than the safety of all road users?

And today, they even closed down some roads in Penang – so that those mongoloid politicians could campaign by parading right in the middle of the road… to deliver their fake promises, speeches and lies. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Can’t they do it in the middle of a football field… rent a big hall… or perhaps do it in the under utilized balai rakyat in their respective district? Why do they have to do it right in the middle of the fucking public road? Why do they have to make our life so difficult??

I really don’t understand how could we let so many idiots to be involved in politics. They can’t even do their campaigning rationally, let alone to be a leader for the people. I wonder how many trees had to be chopped down during an election campaign to print those stupid banners and leaflets. Someone ought to publish the cost for all these.

michaelooi  | rantings  | Comments Off
March 11, 2004

experience at a gymnasium

*long entry, don’t bitch*

My knee still ails whenever I tried to sprint. The physiotherapy helped a lot, but not to the extend of 100%. According to the physiotherapist, I’ll need to grow some muscles back to support my knee … to be able to fully recuperate. And to grow back the support muscles, I’ll have to exercise my leg – focusing on the knee area. But, that was fucking ironic – how do I exercise when my knee is in pain? And when I don’t exercise, the muscles won’t build and my knee will remain as painful as ever. It’s like a chicken/egg situation. I have to find a way to exercise my knee.

That was why I joined the gym. I’ve never joined a gym before in my life. I never really fancied to be a beefcake. Beefcakes give me bad impressions that they are intellectually slow. But I have no choice this time – I need to improve my medical condition… else, I will never get to play soccer again.

My first day at the gym was pretty ok. There was an instructor there to guide me – you know – how to use those beefcake doohickeys. Some of them looked so ridiculously complex that I actually thought that they’re the same thing they used to scour for lifeforms at Mars. It was alright. I did what I had to do and I felt good about it.

The second session was more interesting. I began to notice that there were several knockout pretty girls who frequented there as well. Maybe the gym isn’t such a bad place after all – I thought. I went on with my running, cycling and other exercises that focuses on my pair of legs. But after I’ve worked for about an hour or so, in came a bunch of guys with big biceps (aka beefcakes), beckoning for attentions with their big size and all. They looked at me as if I was some green guy from another galaxy, and then each of them changed into their body revealing attire.

A typical group of arrogant & snobbish beefcakes. I fucking hated them. So what if they have a body the size of a fully grown gorilla? That would only mean that their dick would be shorter than average to compensate for the muscles they’ve built. (which probably would be of no use at all)

I ignored them and went on with my business… until one of them came over to the section that I was in to pull some weight. It was just right in front of me. That was when I noticed something not very right about that beefcake. The guy had a set of big arms… big chest… and 8 packs. Obviously, with one look, he seemed to be quite well proportioned… but after some careful observation, I noticed that his pair of legs were very tiny! Like a bird’s legs ! And when I took a look around the room, I noticed that all the beefcakes have motherfucking tiny legs!

You see, the most important part of a man’s body (other than the dick and brain), would be his pair of legs. It must be muscular and hairy. A pair of good legs can determine your level of virility. But those bunch of beefcakes, despite having such a well built body, they somehow did not bother to work on their legs, and as a result of that, it kind of accentuated the sorry state of their legs – scrawny, fair and full of green veins. From far, these beefcakes look like pieces of soap impaled on a pair of toothpicks.

Seeing that those guys like to show off their body so much, I did the same thing back to them with my legs (FYI, my legs are approximately 60% more muscular and hairier than theirs, pffff.) – I pulled my bermuda shorts higher (errm, trust me, this isn’t as gay as you may have thought), and flaunted my ass kicker assets… at the same time, broadcasted this telepathic message – “Fear the wrath of my crotch stomper, you sissies with puny legs”.

And those ‘cakes dared not to lift any weight within the 10 feet radius around me after that. (ok, I made that up, it was actually 8 feet).

Never felt better.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
March 10, 2004

another encounter in ICQ

At exactly 8.01pm today, I received a message from an unknown user in ICQ:

nicholas : “hihi”

heavenly (that’s my nick in ICQ): “hi back… who’s this ?”

nicholas : “asl plz”

*asl is the abbreviation for Age/Sex/Location.

heavenly : “fuck off… asl your bucket head… this is the 21st century… wake up!!!”

nicholas : “fuck u”

heavenly : “well… eat shit and die… camel shithole spelunker…”

nicholas : “ni ma de wang ba dan”

heavenly : “is that the best your can do? you’re retarded… i knew it. The big INFO button is on the panel… and you asked me asl… why don’t you ask your father if he’s a guy ?”

nicholas : “sorry lo. u f or m? me f”

heavenly : “and why in the world you call yourself nicholas if you’re a female ? why not call yourself John or Jack instead ? So am i a male or female ? GO CHECK MY STATS !!”

nicholas : “r u is f or m,i don”t care”

heavenly : “if you don’t care… why ask ? u read english ?”

nicholas : “nolah,my english is not good”

heavenly : “because ur english is not good… im suppose to tell you my gender ? u know how to click the “stats” button in ICQ ?”

nicholas : “can’t u tall in chinese”

heavenly : “im tall in chinese ? then ? short in english ?”

nicholas : “becouse my english is not goog only”

heavenly : “you… want to know… if i’m a guy or a girl… right? click… the “i” button… on top right of the message box in ICQ… you’ll even know my name there. does that make sense to you?”

nicholas : “u know chinese word ?”

heavenly : “no … i don’t read/write/eat chinese characters. What’s your point ? you want to mail me a chinese letter ? geez”

nicholas : “yes”

heavenly : “no pls. Mail it to someone else…”

nicholas : “u have h/p num”

heavenly : “i have … but im not going to give you …”

nicholas : “go to die”

heavenly : “go fuck yourself… you cock sucking succubus…”

I lllllllove prodding idiots in cyberspace.

michaelooi  | e-chats  | Comments Off

would I?

Yesterday, when I was driving home from work, I noticed the car in front of mine had a flat tire. And when I checked my speedometer, I realized that we’re moving at about 70 kph! A car with a flat tire moving that fast? I went like “WTF?? Couldn’t that driver feel a thing?”. I followed the car for a good 3 – 4 minutes, with no signs of it stopping.

The person inside was obviously unaware that the car had a puncture. I reckoned that the car must have a bloody good suspension system or the driver is too fucked up to realize anything at all (on drugs perhaps?). The car’s metal wheel was basically rolling on top of the loose flapping rubber, and was already making a parallel-line mark on the road.

So, being a nice guy that I am(as always), I overtook this car in front of mine and tried to alert the driver that the car had a puncture. Who knows? I might save a life or two? Cool. But before I do that, I decided to check out the driver first from across our car windows… – the driver was a Chinese bloke in his early 20’s with a spiky hairstyle, dyed to the color of old coconut shell. A typical pirated VCD seller yokel kind of look. I could see that he was bobbing his head while driving – an indication that he was listening to some very loud music. *that was likely the reason why he didn’t know he has got a flat tire.*

Alright, let’s stop this for a moment here.
Do you think people like me, in this situation, should interrupt this Ah Beng who is listening to his super loud music, that his car has a flat tire? Please comment yes or no. And state your reason why.

Also, you may try to guess… whether or not I did the good Samaritan bit.

Many thanks.

michaelooi  | what I saw  | Comments Off
March 9, 2004

an encounter under the office desk

This incident occurred a couple of years ago when I was working late inside the office. It was all quiet late that night when I suddenly heard a blood curdling yelp from a few cubes away. Needless to say, the loud cry almost jolted the daylights out of me.

I stood up to check what was going on (along with a couple of other colleagues nearby). It was my department head (the big boss – the director). He was hopping inside his cubicle as if he was being possessed by a hyperactive demon or something… all the while pointing under his desk – screaming like there’s no tomorrow. “Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh!! Aaaaaahhh!! Aaaaaaaaahh!!” (to those dirty minded readers – this is not to be mistaken with a porno moan.)

I asked him “What the fuck !?” (alright, I just asked him “What’s wrong?”)
“I saw a big rat under my desk! It was trying to climb up my leg!!!” he was telling me in his out-of-breath tone while gesturing the approximate size of that giant rat with his hands. It was about the size of ex-my neighbor’s psychotic dog’s lipstick lookalike dick.

Big fucking deal – I thought. Why would a rat climb up his leg? The rat wanted to suck his cream? Never heard of rats fellating a human before. My best bet was, the rat’s probably scouring for food and because the boss remained static for too long, the stinking rodent might have mistaken his leg as somekind of tree trunk growing out from the office floor. (which is still less ridiculous than the fellatio theory).

I was suppressing myself hard from laughing at that moment and responded – “Alright, let me kick his ass for you. Make sure I get my promotion.” But when I was there, the rat was already gone.. most probably fled in fear of the boss’ sudden hysteria. That guy was panting real hard with a livid look on him… even after we assured him that the stinking rodent had already left his cube.

Within the next 24 hours, the news about the boss’ monster rat encounter was widespread across our department like a wildfire– and much to the amusement to many, every single one of my colleagues now started to snigger at the boss whenever he’s in vicinity – thanks to yours truly.

It’s just not right for a guy to be so terrified of rats or mouse. They just aren’t worthy to be scared of. They’re just small mammals no bigger than our dick.

…Well, unless he has a really small dick…

michaelooi  | flashbacks  | Comments Off